Big decisions to make
Geez...so to recap from my last post, I had said something about making a big long post about Nathanael, and how I've been dealing with it. Which I still intend to finish, but school and other priorities has taken over.
Here's what I can talk about in not much time, that requires more immediate attention:
First off, I've decided I'm not taking school in the January semester. School makes me want to stab out my eyes right now. I can't keep up, I'm failing my classes, and every time I try to do homework, I either sleep, lose time on teh internets, or get upset. Studying is such a horrible experience; it always has been but I've reached a point where I can't take it anymore. So I've decided to start Co-Op instead. Which is fine. I was going to hold out until the September semester next year, but I can't make it that long. I need to work. I have not had a full-time job since 2006. I've been at this school shit since then, and I'm sick and tired of having every semester where I'm either failing a class or repeating a class. This needs to end now.
Second, so my Co-Op adviser told me I have too much on my plate, given my circumstances, and that I really have two options to carry out the rest of the year:
I am more likely going to choose the first option, because I really really don't want to drop my classes. I feel that if I give myself all the time off, I'll be more sad and more upset that I couldn't finish the semester. Plus, though I'd have more free time on my hands, I'd have a LOT of free time on my hands, which I think is just going to make me more depressed. The good side to this option is that I'd have all the time in the world to look for a good Co-Op job, but would I actually do it? No. I'd probably sleep all day and accomplish nothing, which tends to be my resting state, even if I'm not processing trauma. I want to finish my second year. I want to know that whenever I return back to school, I only have 4 semesters left.
The other major reason not to drop the semester is that my loans would fuck me up. My loan award amount was $5,440 (+1,000 Canada Low-Income Grant - which I would have to pay back), and so they divide the number of weeks in a semester (16?) by that amount and then when you go to apply for a loan in the future, they deduct that amount off the new loan. So let's just say it was $2,000 that was "remaining" in my current loan based on where I am in the semester, then they would deduct $2,000 off the next loan which I apply for x semesters from now. That would fucking suck!! I could apply for an appeal, so that I wouldn't be penalized, but that's a whole process that I feel very very not inclined to do. And then I'd have to retake all my courses that I'm enrolled in now!
But I am sad about the first option too. I really really love my volunteer jobs. In fact, they are one of the small sources of happiness I have left. I've already warned them that I may be leaving and they are all understanding about it, but it still makes me sad. Nothing made me happier than going to the YMCA every week, and nothing made me happier than helping a guy in a wheelchair walk once a week. I want to return to these jobs whenever I decide to go back to school full time, but I don't know when that will be. The time that I'm freeing up to pull my failing ass out of the water though is going to be spent looking for work for January. So I'm not really reducing my load that much...
I am still keeping my job at the Fitness Centre until the end of the semester, because it's the only paying job I have. If for some reason I don't find a Co-Op job, I'll register for classes as a back-up which I'm very much hoping not to use.
It's my intention to get an 8-month Co-Op job from January til the end of August, but I don't know if I will want to re-enroll in classes for September 2010, or if I'll want to do another 8-month work term, this time in New Zealand (where I've been dreaming of going for years now!). If I had the $$ to fuck off to NZ now, I would. If I had the $$ to go anywhere closer (like somewhere on the west coast), I would. I have to do 4 4-month Co-Op work terms, and they don't usually like it if you do them in a row, they try to get you back into classes, then do another one or two terms. At this point, I really don't give a shit how long it takes me to graduate, I need to have the energy to take care of myself, which I really haven't been doing.
It would help if doing my homework didn't make me so sad. Why does it make me sad? A combination of things: I hate that I feel I have to work so hard just to pass my classes, I hate being socially isolated, I hate starting from the beginning because I've lost my way so much, but it's mostly the being socially isolated part. Last September, I was experiencing the same problem and one of my friends suggested doing homework at someone else's place. That way, they can do whatever they're doing, and I'm still in the company of a friend. And they can also delegate my study breaks better, so that after working for an hour, I get a 10 minute chat break. Rather than my current method of taking an intended 10 minute internet break, which turns into a one hour internet break! Or, I never even START the homework!!
I'm just running out of energy and running out of care. It's funny, how during the summer I wished for something to happen, some huge life-changing event to occur, because I felt like my personal evolution was slowing down, and I hate that feeling. Wow and then it happened exactly as I wished. Seeing the counsellor at school helped a little bit, but the last session left me feeling vulnerable and no further ahead than I was before I started seeing her, period. I may seek out someone else.
Right now, I just have to choose. #1 or #2. Technically I have all the way until December 2nd to withdraw under extenuating circumstances, but I really don't want to wait that long. I told my volunteer jobs I'd tell them at the end of the week whether it was my intention to remain in my classes or not.
Here's what I can talk about in not much time, that requires more immediate attention:
First off, I've decided I'm not taking school in the January semester. School makes me want to stab out my eyes right now. I can't keep up, I'm failing my classes, and every time I try to do homework, I either sleep, lose time on teh internets, or get upset. Studying is such a horrible experience; it always has been but I've reached a point where I can't take it anymore. So I've decided to start Co-Op instead. Which is fine. I was going to hold out until the September semester next year, but I can't make it that long. I need to work. I have not had a full-time job since 2006. I've been at this school shit since then, and I'm sick and tired of having every semester where I'm either failing a class or repeating a class. This needs to end now.
Second, so my Co-Op adviser told me I have too much on my plate, given my circumstances, and that I really have two options to carry out the rest of the year:
- Back out of all my volunteer jobs and spend more time getting my shit together so that I don't fail my classes.
- Drop the semester under extenuating circumstances.
I am more likely going to choose the first option, because I really really don't want to drop my classes. I feel that if I give myself all the time off, I'll be more sad and more upset that I couldn't finish the semester. Plus, though I'd have more free time on my hands, I'd have a LOT of free time on my hands, which I think is just going to make me more depressed. The good side to this option is that I'd have all the time in the world to look for a good Co-Op job, but would I actually do it? No. I'd probably sleep all day and accomplish nothing, which tends to be my resting state, even if I'm not processing trauma. I want to finish my second year. I want to know that whenever I return back to school, I only have 4 semesters left.
The other major reason not to drop the semester is that my loans would fuck me up. My loan award amount was $5,440 (+1,000 Canada Low-Income Grant - which I would have to pay back), and so they divide the number of weeks in a semester (16?) by that amount and then when you go to apply for a loan in the future, they deduct that amount off the new loan. So let's just say it was $2,000 that was "remaining" in my current loan based on where I am in the semester, then they would deduct $2,000 off the next loan which I apply for x semesters from now. That would fucking suck!! I could apply for an appeal, so that I wouldn't be penalized, but that's a whole process that I feel very very not inclined to do. And then I'd have to retake all my courses that I'm enrolled in now!
But I am sad about the first option too. I really really love my volunteer jobs. In fact, they are one of the small sources of happiness I have left. I've already warned them that I may be leaving and they are all understanding about it, but it still makes me sad. Nothing made me happier than going to the YMCA every week, and nothing made me happier than helping a guy in a wheelchair walk once a week. I want to return to these jobs whenever I decide to go back to school full time, but I don't know when that will be. The time that I'm freeing up to pull my failing ass out of the water though is going to be spent looking for work for January. So I'm not really reducing my load that much...
I am still keeping my job at the Fitness Centre until the end of the semester, because it's the only paying job I have. If for some reason I don't find a Co-Op job, I'll register for classes as a back-up which I'm very much hoping not to use.
It's my intention to get an 8-month Co-Op job from January til the end of August, but I don't know if I will want to re-enroll in classes for September 2010, or if I'll want to do another 8-month work term, this time in New Zealand (where I've been dreaming of going for years now!). If I had the $$ to fuck off to NZ now, I would. If I had the $$ to go anywhere closer (like somewhere on the west coast), I would. I have to do 4 4-month Co-Op work terms, and they don't usually like it if you do them in a row, they try to get you back into classes, then do another one or two terms. At this point, I really don't give a shit how long it takes me to graduate, I need to have the energy to take care of myself, which I really haven't been doing.
It would help if doing my homework didn't make me so sad. Why does it make me sad? A combination of things: I hate that I feel I have to work so hard just to pass my classes, I hate being socially isolated, I hate starting from the beginning because I've lost my way so much, but it's mostly the being socially isolated part. Last September, I was experiencing the same problem and one of my friends suggested doing homework at someone else's place. That way, they can do whatever they're doing, and I'm still in the company of a friend. And they can also delegate my study breaks better, so that after working for an hour, I get a 10 minute chat break. Rather than my current method of taking an intended 10 minute internet break, which turns into a one hour internet break! Or, I never even START the homework!!
I'm just running out of energy and running out of care. It's funny, how during the summer I wished for something to happen, some huge life-changing event to occur, because I felt like my personal evolution was slowing down, and I hate that feeling. Wow and then it happened exactly as I wished. Seeing the counsellor at school helped a little bit, but the last session left me feeling vulnerable and no further ahead than I was before I started seeing her, period. I may seek out someone else.
Right now, I just have to choose. #1 or #2. Technically I have all the way until December 2nd to withdraw under extenuating circumstances, but I really don't want to wait that long. I told my volunteer jobs I'd tell them at the end of the week whether it was my intention to remain in my classes or not.