(no subject)
ok here's the deal. life sucks. i should be married. i'm getting amazingly frustrated with the whole situation...and it's got nothing to do with my parents being ridiculous. the problem is that i'm in love. that's it. i'm in love. and it's tearing us apart. at this point in our relationship, there is spiritual, emotional and mental intimacy...which means that physical intimacy is not happening. as Christians, we are waiting until marriage to have sex. word of advice here- if you are planning on that, don't be engaged for longer than 6 months...it'll kill you inside to do it. every time i look at nathan, i get this pain...and it's not really a heart pain...a very large part of it is physical...because i want to give myself to nathan in every way. i want to be his. and i can't. i cannot show him the love that resides in my heart for him because we don't have some stupid piece of paper that says we are married. nathan and i almost got married in front of a judge while we were visiting joe pfeifer in rhinelander...didn't have all the paperwork so we couldn't. but then we would be married and living together and be poor together and happy. i don't even care if i don't have a wedding ceremony with all my friends there etc. i don't. i just want to be united before God and be married. if there honestly was money to afford an apartment right now, it would be done. because all this ceremony stuff is bullshit. no one needs an $800 stupid wedding dress. no one needs the relatives that they talk to once every 6 years at the wedding. no one. and i just don't care. i don't. none of it is important in God's eyes. He just wants to see His children married and together. i'm very very frustrated right now and it's really hard for me to be excited about getting married when it's 4 months away and i have to live in hell until then...AND attend a stupid ceremony in front of so many people who don't really care or get it at all. wedding ceremonies are stupid. i am stupid. i'm the reason nathan has to live through all of this. it's my fault that we are in such pain everyday. i don't deserve a man as wonderful as he is. i can't take care of him the way that he needs me to. this next 4 months is going to tear us apart.
karen
karen