Dads and Fathers
I felt it was important for me to really write something here more in depth about my Dad Billy and his death.
Billy was born to two alcoholic parents. His mother left him when he was a baby and his father decided that at 13, he did not wan tot take care of him anymore and dropped him off at an orphanage. The only photo I have on my Paternal grandfather is standing next to my dad outside of the orphanage. The deal was though is that he would not let anyone adopt him, so my dad went from abusive home to abusive home until he was 18. He told me later that at that point he went right into the army and was shipped out to Vietnam where he was a helicopter door gunner. When he got back he got married and had my half brother Ruben, then he got divorced and met my mother. My mother married my Billy pretty young and they had me pretty soon after they got married.
My dad did not know how to be a dad, he had no examples in life growing up and in the end my mother left him and got together with my father walter. My dad kept in contact weigh me on and off till I was about 8 till my parents got married and my mother asked Billy if Walter could adopt me. Billy said yes and removed himself from my life.
I hated him for this, I thought I had done something, that I did not deserve to be loved by anyone. it effected all of my romantic relationships.
Fast forward to 30, my mother was in a store an drag into someone there who has the same last name. Turns out he was related to Billy and had his number and gave it to my mom. She then gave it to me and i in turn called my dad.
It was both scary and amazing. His voice sounded so familiar and he was so happy to have me call him. Turns out he was living in California still and told me he was going to come up to see me.
We had a perfect day when he got here. It was great, we spent time we went to my moms and she got to see him and we kept in touch for the next year. But as time moved on I found it hard to talk to him. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia after he was with my mother. He was on a lot of meds and his memory was not great. it was hard to hear the same stories over and over and I found that I would not retune his calls when he would call me sometimes. He ended up moving to Eastern Washington and after about a few months I tried to call him one day and his number had been shut off.
I tried to contact him through FB and email and he never responded. For 3 years I posted on his wall ever fathers day and birthday. I never herd from him.
2 days ago my mother called me to tell me that Billy had died on September 2ed of cancer is some half way house hospice in eastern Washington. No family could be found, so they had to go through old records and found his marriage license to my mother.
I wish I had been there. I wish he had felt that he deserved love enough to keep in contact or even to call me when the end came. there is no reason he should have died alone. i loved my Dad, in all his broken sweet ways. Life never gave him brake and I know he is not in pain anymore.My mother said I am the best of him and I hope he knew in the end that I loved him vary much.
Billy was born to two alcoholic parents. His mother left him when he was a baby and his father decided that at 13, he did not wan tot take care of him anymore and dropped him off at an orphanage. The only photo I have on my Paternal grandfather is standing next to my dad outside of the orphanage. The deal was though is that he would not let anyone adopt him, so my dad went from abusive home to abusive home until he was 18. He told me later that at that point he went right into the army and was shipped out to Vietnam where he was a helicopter door gunner. When he got back he got married and had my half brother Ruben, then he got divorced and met my mother. My mother married my Billy pretty young and they had me pretty soon after they got married.
My dad did not know how to be a dad, he had no examples in life growing up and in the end my mother left him and got together with my father walter. My dad kept in contact weigh me on and off till I was about 8 till my parents got married and my mother asked Billy if Walter could adopt me. Billy said yes and removed himself from my life.
I hated him for this, I thought I had done something, that I did not deserve to be loved by anyone. it effected all of my romantic relationships.
Fast forward to 30, my mother was in a store an drag into someone there who has the same last name. Turns out he was related to Billy and had his number and gave it to my mom. She then gave it to me and i in turn called my dad.
It was both scary and amazing. His voice sounded so familiar and he was so happy to have me call him. Turns out he was living in California still and told me he was going to come up to see me.
We had a perfect day when he got here. It was great, we spent time we went to my moms and she got to see him and we kept in touch for the next year. But as time moved on I found it hard to talk to him. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia after he was with my mother. He was on a lot of meds and his memory was not great. it was hard to hear the same stories over and over and I found that I would not retune his calls when he would call me sometimes. He ended up moving to Eastern Washington and after about a few months I tried to call him one day and his number had been shut off.
I tried to contact him through FB and email and he never responded. For 3 years I posted on his wall ever fathers day and birthday. I never herd from him.
2 days ago my mother called me to tell me that Billy had died on September 2ed of cancer is some half way house hospice in eastern Washington. No family could be found, so they had to go through old records and found his marriage license to my mother.
I wish I had been there. I wish he had felt that he deserved love enough to keep in contact or even to call me when the end came. there is no reason he should have died alone. i loved my Dad, in all his broken sweet ways. Life never gave him brake and I know he is not in pain anymore.My mother said I am the best of him and I hope he knew in the end that I loved him vary much.