Fanfic: Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing - Alicia/Kalinda
Title: Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing
Author: schwarmerei1
Rating: M
Fandom: The Good Wife
Characters: Alicia Florrick, Kalinda Sharma
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Warnings: Sex between women, swearing, excessive alcohol, Naomi Wolf's thoughts
Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect, CBS, Scott Free, and the Kings own them
Spoilers: Through episode 4:10 “Battle of the Proxies”
Author’s Note: This was based on a prompt (long, long ago) from variousflumps about what a tragedy it was that Alicia and Kalinda never sat around and discussed Alicia’s present from her mother, and additionally from sweetjamielee that booze should be involved and that Kalinda’s vagina could fix 80% (or more) of Alicia Florrick’s problems. Bizarrely Emily Nussbaum deserves a mention too, since it was her many hilarious tweets of reviews of the book that inspired me to read so many of them and led to my conception of Kalinda’s rant. Most of Kalinda’s objections are blatantly stolen from Germaine Greer’s excoriating review of same. Thanks go to hotladykisses for providing an extensive back-and-forth on this one, and also to Kiki for answering questions of canon anytime, anywhere.
Finally Naomi Wolf’s “Vagina: A New Biography” does something useful!
“Make yourself at home. I’ll get us that red, but do you mind if I get more comfortable?” Once she was in her door, Alicia found she couldn’t wait to be free of her work clothes.
“Sure.” Kalinda had no objection to hanging out on the sofa with an Alicia in out-of-work mode. In fact she was trying hard not to overdo her smiles at just being invited into Alicia’s apartment without work being the pretext.
Moreover, she could be here now. Nick was gone, she didn’t have to worry about him stalking her. She knew she had lost perspective about him while he was in Chicago, in her apartment, in her bed... But even then, she had realised that spending an evening alone with Alicia in her apartment might have been a dangerous provocation compared to a quick drink in a bar.
Kalinda wondered if Alicia inviting her home was meant as some sort of reward for finally acting. She half-suspected it was.
Alicia gestured Kalinda right towards the living room and turned left into her bedroom. She kicked off her heels immediately. The two weeks since Thanksgiving had exhausted her. Work was busy enough, but the interactions with her mother and where she had left things with Peter had pushed her past her usual coping point. Then on top of that, Nick had made his play and threatened her.
When Kalinda had tentatively suggested Friday night drinks an hour ago, Alicia had answered “Yes!” with relief, and then amended, “How about my place? Share a bottle of wine. The kids will have already gone over to Highland Park.” Frankly, she wanted to get thoroughly drunk, slouch in a comfortable chair, and not worry about how to get home.
The brief surprise on Kalinda’s face had morphed into a smile, “Sounds good.”
In her bedroom Alicia swapped her suit for jeans and pulled a wrap cardigan over the shell she was wearing. She was still studiously avoiding looking at her bathroom door or thinking about what she’d done with Peter there. If her mother hadn’t been staying in the guest room, it would have been a much better choice of location, causing fewer mental reminders. But then if it weren’t for her mother, she wouldn’t have done it in the first place.
She didn’t regret it. It had been exactly what she’d wanted in that moment and Peter had given it to her with enthusiasm. He remembered her body, and her body remembered his touch in turn. It would be so easy to fall back, and take the physical relief that Peter could offer. But she was shamefully grateful that the apartment full of people made the talk they so patently ought to have afterwards impossible.
And they still hadn’t talked in the week since. Alicia hadn’t told Owen about it, she hadn’t told anyone. It would be a relief to talk to Kalinda, but that topic was obviously out-of-bounds.
Kalinda -- there at least was a reprieve from the anxiety that had been simmering away. Alicia had been worried about how inexplicably comfortable Kalinda seemed to be despite the presence of her allegedly “dangerous” husband, because Alicia was almost certain that she had allowed Nick back into her life. And just the thought repulsed her, even though it was none of her business. Knowing that Kalinda would not judge her if they were to talk about Peter made her even more uncomfortable. It wasn’t just that she had found Nick vile -- she knew many would condemn her for ever letting Peter touch her again. But the idea of Nick touching Kalinda made her feel…something. And why was she even thinking about it in the first place?
“Just be a minute more,” she called out as she passed the living room doorway on the way to the kitchen. She pulled out a bottle and uncorked it. Alicia had worked her way through her entire liquor cupboard in the week since Thanksgiving, even giving into drinking some sickly liqueur that had been a gift. Fortunately for them both, she’d restocked with a case of her favourite merlot the day before.
She hesitated after setting up a tray with the bottle and two glasses. It seemed inhospitable bordering on rude to just take out the wine, but they never bothered with food when they went to bars, so Alicia skipped finding something to eat.
When she entered the living room, at least Kalinda didn’t look bored. She was seated in the middle of the sofa, leather jacket neatly folded to her left, her head was bowed and she was leafing through something.
“Sorry about the delay, it’s been a hell of a couple of weeks.” Alicia sat beside Kalinda and poured two glasses, handed one to Kalinda, then saw what Kalinda was reading. “Oh God, that’s not mine!”
“Good to know.” Kalinda kept skimming. “It is in your apartment though.” She looked up to take her glass. “I hope it’s not Grace’s, isn’t she still Christian?”
And even though Kalinda’s tone was obviously joking, Alicia still felt the need to defend herself.
“My mother left it.” Alicia took her first swallow of alcohol with relief.
“You should burn it.” Kalinda closed the cover. “Even the title is offensive.”
Alicia halted the progress of her glass towards her lips. “It is? What, thinking she can write a biography of it?”
“No, vagina -- look it up.” Kalinda took a sip. “That’s nice.” Wine was something else she was coming to appreciate thanks to Alicia.
Alicia slid her hand into her pocket for her phone. Zach was always telling her to actually use some of the other things it could do. She tapped away.
“Oh wow, ‘scabbard.’ Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Yep.”
“As in place to put a sword?”
Kalinda nodded. “As in possession of the owner of said sword.”
“Ick?” suggested Alicia.
“No kidding. Naomi should call it a cunt and be done.”
Alicia choked and spluttered and eventually resumed breathing. She’d never heard Kalinda swear before, but apparently when she did -- she went large.
“Sorry. You have that in common with Naomi -- just hearing the word caused writer’s block for six months.”
“I’ll live,” Alicia claimed, although her eyes were still watering slightly and she kept clearing her throat. She tried to soothe the irritation with another mouthful. “I do have some sick leave saved up if I’m not better by Monday.”
Kalinda laughed before resuming. Seeing Alicia pink with embarrassment over the subject harked back to better times between them. Back when she could say outrageous things and watch Alicia enjoy being shaken out of her propriety. She couldn’t resist pursuing the subject further. “This thing’s bizarre. It’s all about transcendental vaginal orgasms, medical quackery and telling everyone else they’re coming the wrong way.”
“Really?” Alicia managed between swallows.
“I know the woman had two caesareans, but you’d think her bits might mean more to her than just sex.”
Alicia just blinked. The notion that Kalinda had any thoughts on childbirth was startling.
“I’d imagine you felt differently about your vagina after pushing out Zach and Grace.”
Alicia managed to not choke this time and just swallow like a grown-up.
“How do you know I didn’t have caesareans too?” She was proud of herself for the steadiness of her voice.
Kalinda just raised an eyebrow and reached for her glass for the second time.
“Kalinda! How the fuck do you know that?” Apparently swearing was contagious.
Kalinda was smirking now. “Just a guess.”
“Based on what!?” Kalinda wouldn’t have somehow accessed her medical records, would she? No doubt she knew how to, but...
“It was less common when you had yours.” Kalinda gestured towards Alicia with her glass. “And I know you. You would have wanted to do it yourself. I bet you even tried to do it without pain relief.”
Alicia wasn’t sure what to be more astonished at: how close to what did happen Kalinda’s assumption was; that Kalinda could guess her motives more than a decade before they met; or most likely, that Kalinda had ever imagined how Alicia gave birth.
“I will neither confirm nor deny,” Alicia declared, still disconcerted.
“You just did.” The bratty smirk was back in place as she set down her glass and reopened the book. “What offends me is not just how straight, but how strident she is about how other women should come.
“I’ll try not to take your remark personally.”
Kalinda looked up to give her a little grin. “She’s very sure her vaginal orgasms are superior to silly clitoral ones. Given how few women have them -- kind of judgemental.”
Alicia must have gotten tipsy faster than expected (was this her first or second glass?) because she didn’t change the subject, “Agreed.”
Kalinda kept needling. “And even if a woman has one, it’s not like you can penetrate the vagina without moving the clit too. It’s all part of the same bunch of nerves.”
Alicia was about to ask a question before she remembered herself and drained her glass instead. She reached for the bottle again.
Kalinda kept skimming the pages. “I can’t see why she gives such primacy to penile/vaginal sex. It’s not how I’ve had most of my best orgasms.”
Alicia thought about that other time with Peter in the bathroom, no kidding, and just nodded.
“Wow, she’s even anti-masturbation. Get this: sex with a ‘virile’ man is better than a ‘vibrator and a pint of Häagen-Dazs’.” Kalinda shook her head. “If she’s eating ice-cream at the same time as using her vibrator, no wonder it isn’t working out.”
“Also messy,” suggested Alicia.
“The wrong kind of sticky,” offered Kalinda slyly. She probably ought to stop, but Alicia was still gamely in the conversation.
Was she really discussing secretions with Kalinda Sharma? Alicia topped up her glass again.
Kalinda kept looking at the pages. “Seems like a huge revelation that her pelvic nerve is connected to her brain. I guess the name ‘Central Nervous System’ was too vague.”
“Maybe she’s never dropped anything on her foot and felt it hurt.”
Kalinda was still grinning, “Or, she’s just that stupid.” She drained most of the rest of her glass. “Explains a lot.”
“It would also explain why my mother is so into her.”
“Too bad I didn’t get to meet your mother.” Kalinda looked knowingly amused.
Alicia couldn’t even imagine how appalling that might have been. “No it wasn’t!” She was unusually vehement.
“Hang on, this is the best review I read...” Kalinda fished for her BlackBerry in her jacket and commenced pressing the buttons rapidly. “Ariel Levy for the ‘New Yorker’.”
Alicia noticed that Kalinda had to type in a password to get behind an online paywall. Then chided herself for being surprised about Kalinda’s reading habits.
Kalinda started reciting:
“Over time, if a woman's "vagina is targeted verbally, her heart rate, blood pressure, circulation, and many other systems will suffer chronically," Wolf writes. Thus, if you "bully a woman by insulting her vagina," you are committing an act of physical violence. Wolf claims that vaginal slander -- referring to the vagina by its "awful" feline moniker, for instance -- "apparently affects the very tissue of the vagina." She bases this conclusion on a study of female rats whose vaginal tissue showed signs of change after periods of stress. The experiment did not, however, entail researchers yelling "Rat pussy!" at the animals; stress was manufactured physically. Wolf's interpretation of the science is, as usual, rather free.”
By the end, Alicia was laughing freely and Kalinda joined in with her little snorting giggle that Alicia hadn’t heard for years. This had been a good idea, this was what they’d both been missing.
Alicia was just getting herself back under control when Kalinda hissed “Rat pussy!” at her viciously and set her off again.
By the time Alicia managed to settle down, Kalinda was smiling at her, obviously pleased with herself.
“Thank you. I needed that.”
“You’re welcome.”
They touched glasses and drank. Alicia realised she needed another refill.
“There’s more stupid -- like how vaginal orgasms unleash creativity. I’m pretty sure Jane Austen wasn’t fucking that sister she shared the bed with. And what about the Brontës, or Emily Dickinson, or a bunch of other virgins?”
Alicia honestly couldn’t remember ever hearing Kalinda so talkative. She took another sip in wonderment and hoped her face was not too flushed.
“Here she quotes a Sappho poem as being about having an orgasm, when it’s actually about loving someone distantly.”
“You sit around reading Lesbian love poetry?”
“Would you believe I was a...”
“No!”
“If you’re going to call me a liar, I’ll need more wine to endure it.” Kalinda held her glass up.
“Sure.” Alicia reached for the bottle, which was empty. Had she really consumed the entire thing except for the one glass that Kalinda had drunk? “I’ll get more.”
She slipped away to the kitchen for another bottle. She shook her head as she manipulated the corkscrew. Apparently Naomi Wolf’s vagina had the power to push the usually elliptical Kalinda into a rant. Although -- Alicia tipped her head as she picked up the bottle and returned to the living room -- if anything was going to do it, someone else telling Kalinda what to do with her own vagina was probably it.
Alicia sat down, filled Kalinda’s glass and handed it to her. Then she topped-up her own and turned to sit sideways, feet drawn up under her, facing Kalinda. The other woman seemed to have run out of ammunition. The book was resting on the padded bench in front of the sofa, she was sipping her wine and looking serenely in the direction of the fireplace.
“Is it really so different?” Alicia couldn’t believe her own nerve: obviously there was some disinhibition involved, but she was fully aware of what she was doing.
Kalinda turned to look at her, surprised at the probable meaning of Alicia’s question. “Is what different?”
Alicia didn’t take up the offer to retract. “Sex with women.”
“After what I just said, I can’t speak for women.”
Alicia rolled her eyes and rephrased -- apparently court was in session. “Is it different for you?” She slid her bare feet forward, lightly touching her toes to Kalinda’s thigh. She told herself it was more comfortable than having her knees drawn up.
Straight women had played this game many times with Kalinda, the touches that pretended to be innocent, the curious inquiries, then either the courage to find out or a retreat back to known territory. She never would have expected to play it with Alicia Florrick, which meant tonight was no game.
Kalinda was unprepared. With anyone else, she would have jumped in and seen where things led. Normally it didn’t matter. Everything about Alicia mattered. She realised she hadn’t answered, she had turned her head to look back at the fireplace -- away from Alicia. Kalinda made her decision.
She turned her eyes back to Alicia’s. “Yeah -- it’s different.” Kalinda tried to ascertain what was in Alicia’s face. She watched Alicia inhale, tried not to look at the movement of her chest. “Okay if I put my feet up?” If Alicia wanted to test the waters, Kalinda would provide somewhere for her to dip her toes.
“Sure.”
Kalinda leaned forward to grasp the zipper of one boot and slid it down, then the other, and wrenched them off with a practised grasp of the heel. She could feel Alicia’s eyes upon her. She sat up again, took the throw pillow from behind her and offered it to Alicia who looked uncomfortable propped against the armrest. She managed to swap it for Alicia’s wineglass, putting it at the farthest corner of the tray. Then she lifted her calves to rest on the bench before the sofa and leant back against the sofa cushions.
Alicia looked at her wineglass, at Kalinda now reclining uncharacteristically supine. She accepted the terms. She let herself sink into the pillow at her back and slid her feet more firmly against Kalinda’s thigh, toes wedging underneath.
“Are you going to expand on this difference?” The air between them felt heavy. Neither of them had looked away.
“It’s slower, takes longer. You can’t do it in an hour over lunch -- not properly.”
It was a deliberate dig. Alicia quirked her lips and made an amused sound in her throat.
Kalinda dropped her hand to rest on Alicia’s ankle and felt her react. The tension was palpable.
They’d touched before: a hand on the back steering the other person, catching the inside of an elbow, Kalinda tugging on Alicia’s wrist, Alicia grasping Kalinda’s hand and leading her. But this was deliberate, even more so as Kalinda’s palm pushed an inch higher under the cuff of Alicia’s jeans and her thumb began to stroke over the bones of her ankle. Alicia’s awareness had narrowed to Kalinda’s hand on her leg and eyes on her face. Alicia’s gaze was steady and told Kalinda to continue.
“I think it comes down to it not being so goal-oriented.” Alicia’s eyebrows asked for more information. “Straight sex is so defined by intercourse, but everything two women do together would be considered foreplay. When sex between women isn’t even considered real sex, there’s no script to stick to.”
“That’s not a very flattering view of straight sex.”
“Yeah. Neither is the fact that most men come in a few minutes, before their partners, and then need to take a break.”
“Why have sex with men at all then?”
Kalinda laughed dryly. “It’s easy.”
Alicia huffed out her amusement in turn.
“And sometimes I want to be fucked. Plus the fact that both partners get off.” Kalinda tilted her head. “Not that two women can’t do that, but I like just focusing on a woman; knowing exactly how she’s responding; what she needs to happen next.”
Alicia was having increasing difficulty keeping the conversation abstract, images of Kalinda doing things to her entering her head. On the other hand, Alicia had been the one to start it tonight. And wasn’t that why she’d started it?
“So how long are we talking? To do things ‘properly’, as you put it.”
Kalinda kept moving her hand gently back and forth. She could just feel the start of soft regrowth on Alicia’s shin, meaning that Alicia waxed or epilated instead of shaving. And like absolutely everything about Alicia, it mattered that she knew this now.
“That depends on the two women -- it can be hours. If I know she can come again, there’s no need to stop and wait, I just keep going... Or sometimes, having an orgasm isn’t the point and no one pretends it is. To me it’s more honest.”
“What? Women don’t fake it with each other?”
“Sure, but there’s not a lot of point to doing it.”
“You sound like a propagandist.”
Kalinda smiled and raised her eyebrows. “Trust me, sex with women can be lousy. And then it’s really awkward.”
“Really?”
“You can’t just let the guy get off, and be on your way in ten minutes. You have to talk about it.” Kalinda added jokingly: “If you don’t enjoy a detailed discussion afterwards: steer clear of women.”
Alicia laughed. She strongly suspected Donna was being referenced there, yet the advice was unexpectedly relevant for herself. She was also finding this surprisingly easy. The wine was helping certainly, but maybe just because it was Kalinda? The real Kalinda, the version Alicia had come to realise only she got to see and even then, mostly in her peripheral vision. Alicia had watched Kalinda deploy endless variations on seduction, both sexual and emotional, during their work together. Kalinda wasn’t doing any of that tonight. Just Kalinda’s touch, her words and the steadiness of her gaze had Alicia aroused.
Alicia knew she was about to ask what would be her penultimate question? “What do you think we’d be like together?”
Kalinda knew this was the tipping point: Alicia was actually considering it. This talk wasn’t just something to joke about every now and again. “I suspect you’re much more...” Kalinda wanted to say dominant, but that was too blatant, “...powerful sexually than people assume.” She paused. “I think we’d be fantastic.”
And it was true: alongside their developing relationship and Kalinda’s growing investment, Alicia had been steadily coming into her own power. Every time Kalinda saw Alicia exercise it, her response was involuntary and compelling. Kalinda knew there was potential for her to relate to Alicia in a way she would never be able to with another person.
Kalinda’s words were surprising to Alicia. She’d imagined Kalinda guiding her, being the one in control and things staying that way. Now she wondered if that was force of habit from the way she’d consciously set her life on a different path to her mother: played a role that was traditional and nurturing. Thinking about it, from almost their beginning, Kalinda had let her be in charge. Even when urging her to act in her own self-interest at work, Kalinda had positioned it so that Alicia had to make the moves herself. And the few times Kalinda had tried to steer their relationship she’d realised her mistake and returned the reins to Alicia.
It was startling: the sudden revelation that she and Kalinda were now playing opposite roles to how they started out. That Kalinda’s leather-clad persona was actually for public consumption, and not the person she was at all, or at least not the person she was with Alicia.
Alicia had realised nearly a year ago that she held all the power in their relationship, but she’d never drilled down to think just what that could mean. And she’d never allowed herself to feel the responsibility or the allure of it like she was now.
“I want you to kiss me Kalinda.” It was going to be a request, but she realised a demand was more appropriate.
There was no way for Kalinda to refuse. Not when Alicia voiced it directly, and not when she looked like that: green eyes holding Kalinda’s dark ones steadily, her wrap fallen open and the shape of her breasts visible as she lay back on the couch.
“Sit up?”
Kalinda helped Alicia steer her feet down to the floor and then lean against the couch back. Alicia wasn’t sure exactly what she expected to happen, but it wasn’t Kalinda hiking her skirt up and swinging a leg over Alicia’s thighs to straddle her. Well, she hadn’t specified how she wanted to be kissed, and this was certainly more comfortable than twisting to the side to find Kalinda’s mouth.
Kalinda swallowed and knew her hands were shaking even before she saw the evidence of it as she touched Alicia’s face. She traced the lines of Alicia’s beauty: her eyebrows, her cheekbones, her lips. Alicia’s eyes closed before one hand gently took hold of Alicia’s jaw and the other slid into her hair. Then Kalinda met Alicia’s mouth with her own.
Soft, so soft...and gentle and sensual -- all the stereotypes Alicia had been expecting to come with kissing a woman. But this was Kalinda, so it didn’t stay that way. Alicia had expected Kalinda to draw back, to give her a look, so? But she didn’t stop. Instead she kept going. Kalinda’s lips caressed hers over and over...and then the merest touches of her tongue. It was all so tender, demanding nothing from her but pulling arousal from deep inside her despite that.
Alicia responded without thinking. Her lips parted and she felt Kalinda respond in turn: both hands now twisting in Alicia’s hair and a soft noise that could have been a moan or a whimper issuing from her throat. Alicia realised her hands had found their way to Kalinda’s shoulders and were clinging to her. Now they travelled down Kalinda’s back, feeling her heat through silk cloth; the lines of her bra; and the solid band of leather accentuating her slender waist. Kalinda’s mouth continued to accept what Alicia offered and delved deeper inside. She felt the first touch of Kalinda’s tongue against her own, and knew then that Kalinda was right: they could do this for hours. She wanted to do this for hours. Deeper and deeper, now she knew the taste of Kalinda’s mouth underneath the red wine they’d shared. And Alicia wanted more -- suddenly she wanted everything.
Her hands dropped lower, sliding first to Kalinda’s hips, then her ass and then she pulled -- forcefully.
Kalinda reared back, breaking their kiss. “Fuck, Alicia!” Her shock at Alicia’s actions and the sensation of their bodies suddenly pressed together more than she could process at once.
Then Alicia felt Kalinda’s hands bend her head back and Kalinda’s mouth was on her neck, running along her jaw towards her ear, then down the pale column of her throat.
Kalinda wanted to suck, to bite, to leave a mark and make some sort of claim but held herself in. She sampled the bitter patch where Alicia dabbed her perfume and then saltier skin lower down under the chain of the necklace Alicia was wearing. She dipped lower still and tasted the hollow where collarbones met sternum. She wanted her, wanted her so badly. Years of telling herself that she didn’t/couldn’t/shouldn’t were battered away by the floodwaters of desire that were raging through her body. Her hands left Alicia’s hair to push the wrap off her shoulders and then pull away the fabric and bra strap. Each new inch of skin Kalinda’s mouth gained access to, just made her want the next more. But what the hell was she doing? Trying to arouse Alicia past the point of good sense and into bed? What would happen an hour later, let alone tomorrow morning? Risking everything they’d rebuilt for a single night of memories and answered questions wasn’t worth it.
Kalinda dragged her mouth away from Alicia’s beautiful skin and tried to draw herself up and away again, but this time Alicia’s hands were in her hair. This time the other woman took control. Alicia dipped her face and found out that, yes, the line of Kalinda’s jaw was as sharp as it looked. And yes, deep within Kalinda’s hair were the pins that held it in place day in and day out.
If it had been absolutely anyone else, Kalinda would have batted their hands away -- distracted her partner with some move on her part. But since it was Alicia, she acquiesced. She could feel Alicia’s fingers working the first one out of her hair, struggling to figure out the placement and angle.
“Take your hair down.” Alicia dropped her hands to Kalinda’s waist and watched the other woman comply. She could tell by Kalinda’s expression and hesitant fingers that this wasn’t something she did customarily -- that this was deeply intimate.
She wasn’t aware of the fact that her fingers took each hairpin from Kalinda’s as they were removed until she had a small collection of trophies folded into her palm and an entirely different Kalinda sitting before her.
It ought to have been impossible, but Kalinda was even more beautiful, more sensual, with her hair loose and messy. She also seemed more naked (and more vulnerable) than if she’d taken her clothes off.
On some level Alicia gave herself permission to like that...
She slid one hand under a couch pillow and left Kalinda’s hairpins there. Then Alicia’s hands ran up the back of Kalinda’s skull, her fingers intertwining with the long dark strands before forming two fists and bringing Kalinda’s mouth back to hers.
Kalinda’s blood was roaring -- out-of-control didn’t come close to describing the feeling of Alicia, Alicia, claiming her mouth. She felt powerless -- deliciously so.
Alicia kept kissing her, neither of them holding back. Then Alicia’s hands began to roam, while Kalinda’s could only clutch Alicia’s shoulders for support.
Safe territory, such as running down and up Kalinda’s back, rapidly became less so as Alicia’s hands made another trip down; brushing over the curve of Kalinda’s breasts. A brief pause to encircle her waist ended as they slid to her hips and then went lower still. First they found the hem of her skirt, and then Alicia’s hands began to push up, feeling the friction of Kalinda’s stockings give way to the smoothness of skin at the top of her thighs. Alicia’s thumbs stroked the margin of bareness on each leg between stocking and panty-line and felt Kalinda’s breaths accelerate against her mouth.
Kalinda finally managed to wrench her mouth away. “Maybe this is a mistake.” It sounded weak and about an hour too late to her own ears.
“Maybe it will be what fixes everything.” Alicia tightened her hands, gripping Kalinda’s thighs. Her eyes were hooded and her voice was sure. “Take me to bed, Kalinda.”
Kalinda wasn’t sure how she managed to slide off and actually walk, leading Alicia to her bedroom, but they were standing next to Alicia’s bed, Alicia’s larger hands in her smaller ones.
Kalinda stopped, didn’t push Alicia down. Instead she wrapped her arms around Alicia, resting her face against Alicia’s collarbones. She wanted Alicia to know that this was anything but a by-the-numbers seduction to her, that actually it was everything, but didn’t know how to say the words. Alicia could feel the trembling of Kalinda’s body against hers as she returned the embrace, dropping her lips to the top of Kalinda’s head, which was an inch or so lower than she was accustomed to with both of them barefoot.
Kalinda drew back. “Alicia, this isn’t just... You aren’t...” She couldn’t get it out.
Alicia stroked fingers across Kalinda’s face. “I know.”
Kalinda’s fingers were still shaking but not hesitant when she dropped her hands to the hem of Alicia’s top in order to raise it over her head. Her only other action before gently laying Alicia down was to unbutton and discard her own blouse and pull down the covers. For what they were about to do, Kalinda had no intention of rushing.
+++++++
Hours later, Alicia travelled up Kalinda’s body to rest her head on Kalinda’s breast, reclining in the cradle of her parted legs. Alicia heard Kalinda’s heart slowing gradually in concert with the rise and fall of her breathing. Kalinda’s hands, which had been unceasing in their caresses, entwined themselves in Alicia’s hair before finally stilling.
Kalinda’s body surrendered to sleep as completely as she had surrendered all of herself to Alicia’s mouth moments earlier.
Every nerve in Alicia hummed with the memory of Kalinda’s hands, her slender fingers, her soft mouth, her precise tongue, and the insistent warmth of her curved flesh. That Alicia could still want more after being so repeatedly and entirely satisfied told her how right this was for her -- for them. There was relief from the anger and grief she’d held onto since that day when she had seen the news ticker in the dry-cleaners, four years ago. The grief that had been renewed after Andrew Wylie spoke the name Leela to her retreating back. And there was also joy -- something she hadn’t felt more than fleetingly for years before that if she were honest with herself.
In the space of a few hours, Alicia’s life had become much more complicated and simultaneously simpler, because everything had changed. Alicia knew from the way Kalinda had wept with emotion as naked as their bodies after the first time she came, that everything had changed for her too -- albeit for different reasons. Alicia kissed the tears from Kalinda’s face and told her “I forgive you,” as her hand withdrew from Kalinda’s body. And she meant it.
Few other words had been exchanged between them since they had entered Alicia’s bedroom except for each other’s names, Kalinda’s whispered praise for Alicia’s beauty and courage, and Alicia’s pleas for something she knew Kalinda would give her but begged for despite that knowledge. There was a lot they needed to talk about, a talk Alicia wanted to have, but that could wait for daylight and tomorrow. So Alicia closed her eyes and joined Kalinda again, this time in unconsciousness.
Author: schwarmerei1
Rating: M
Fandom: The Good Wife
Characters: Alicia Florrick, Kalinda Sharma
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Warnings: Sex between women, swearing, excessive alcohol, Naomi Wolf's thoughts
Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect, CBS, Scott Free, and the Kings own them
Spoilers: Through episode 4:10 “Battle of the Proxies”
Author’s Note: This was based on a prompt (long, long ago) from variousflumps about what a tragedy it was that Alicia and Kalinda never sat around and discussed Alicia’s present from her mother, and additionally from sweetjamielee that booze should be involved and that Kalinda’s vagina could fix 80% (or more) of Alicia Florrick’s problems. Bizarrely Emily Nussbaum deserves a mention too, since it was her many hilarious tweets of reviews of the book that inspired me to read so many of them and led to my conception of Kalinda’s rant. Most of Kalinda’s objections are blatantly stolen from Germaine Greer’s excoriating review of same. Thanks go to hotladykisses for providing an extensive back-and-forth on this one, and also to Kiki for answering questions of canon anytime, anywhere.
Finally Naomi Wolf’s “Vagina: A New Biography” does something useful!
“Make yourself at home. I’ll get us that red, but do you mind if I get more comfortable?” Once she was in her door, Alicia found she couldn’t wait to be free of her work clothes.
“Sure.” Kalinda had no objection to hanging out on the sofa with an Alicia in out-of-work mode. In fact she was trying hard not to overdo her smiles at just being invited into Alicia’s apartment without work being the pretext.
Moreover, she could be here now. Nick was gone, she didn’t have to worry about him stalking her. She knew she had lost perspective about him while he was in Chicago, in her apartment, in her bed... But even then, she had realised that spending an evening alone with Alicia in her apartment might have been a dangerous provocation compared to a quick drink in a bar.
Kalinda wondered if Alicia inviting her home was meant as some sort of reward for finally acting. She half-suspected it was.
Alicia gestured Kalinda right towards the living room and turned left into her bedroom. She kicked off her heels immediately. The two weeks since Thanksgiving had exhausted her. Work was busy enough, but the interactions with her mother and where she had left things with Peter had pushed her past her usual coping point. Then on top of that, Nick had made his play and threatened her.
When Kalinda had tentatively suggested Friday night drinks an hour ago, Alicia had answered “Yes!” with relief, and then amended, “How about my place? Share a bottle of wine. The kids will have already gone over to Highland Park.” Frankly, she wanted to get thoroughly drunk, slouch in a comfortable chair, and not worry about how to get home.
The brief surprise on Kalinda’s face had morphed into a smile, “Sounds good.”
In her bedroom Alicia swapped her suit for jeans and pulled a wrap cardigan over the shell she was wearing. She was still studiously avoiding looking at her bathroom door or thinking about what she’d done with Peter there. If her mother hadn’t been staying in the guest room, it would have been a much better choice of location, causing fewer mental reminders. But then if it weren’t for her mother, she wouldn’t have done it in the first place.
She didn’t regret it. It had been exactly what she’d wanted in that moment and Peter had given it to her with enthusiasm. He remembered her body, and her body remembered his touch in turn. It would be so easy to fall back, and take the physical relief that Peter could offer. But she was shamefully grateful that the apartment full of people made the talk they so patently ought to have afterwards impossible.
And they still hadn’t talked in the week since. Alicia hadn’t told Owen about it, she hadn’t told anyone. It would be a relief to talk to Kalinda, but that topic was obviously out-of-bounds.
Kalinda -- there at least was a reprieve from the anxiety that had been simmering away. Alicia had been worried about how inexplicably comfortable Kalinda seemed to be despite the presence of her allegedly “dangerous” husband, because Alicia was almost certain that she had allowed Nick back into her life. And just the thought repulsed her, even though it was none of her business. Knowing that Kalinda would not judge her if they were to talk about Peter made her even more uncomfortable. It wasn’t just that she had found Nick vile -- she knew many would condemn her for ever letting Peter touch her again. But the idea of Nick touching Kalinda made her feel…something. And why was she even thinking about it in the first place?
“Just be a minute more,” she called out as she passed the living room doorway on the way to the kitchen. She pulled out a bottle and uncorked it. Alicia had worked her way through her entire liquor cupboard in the week since Thanksgiving, even giving into drinking some sickly liqueur that had been a gift. Fortunately for them both, she’d restocked with a case of her favourite merlot the day before.
She hesitated after setting up a tray with the bottle and two glasses. It seemed inhospitable bordering on rude to just take out the wine, but they never bothered with food when they went to bars, so Alicia skipped finding something to eat.
When she entered the living room, at least Kalinda didn’t look bored. She was seated in the middle of the sofa, leather jacket neatly folded to her left, her head was bowed and she was leafing through something.
“Sorry about the delay, it’s been a hell of a couple of weeks.” Alicia sat beside Kalinda and poured two glasses, handed one to Kalinda, then saw what Kalinda was reading. “Oh God, that’s not mine!”
“Good to know.” Kalinda kept skimming. “It is in your apartment though.” She looked up to take her glass. “I hope it’s not Grace’s, isn’t she still Christian?”
And even though Kalinda’s tone was obviously joking, Alicia still felt the need to defend herself.
“My mother left it.” Alicia took her first swallow of alcohol with relief.
“You should burn it.” Kalinda closed the cover. “Even the title is offensive.”
Alicia halted the progress of her glass towards her lips. “It is? What, thinking she can write a biography of it?”
“No, vagina -- look it up.” Kalinda took a sip. “That’s nice.” Wine was something else she was coming to appreciate thanks to Alicia.
Alicia slid her hand into her pocket for her phone. Zach was always telling her to actually use some of the other things it could do. She tapped away.
“Oh wow, ‘scabbard.’ Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Yep.”
“As in place to put a sword?”
Kalinda nodded. “As in possession of the owner of said sword.”
“Ick?” suggested Alicia.
“No kidding. Naomi should call it a cunt and be done.”
Alicia choked and spluttered and eventually resumed breathing. She’d never heard Kalinda swear before, but apparently when she did -- she went large.
“Sorry. You have that in common with Naomi -- just hearing the word caused writer’s block for six months.”
“I’ll live,” Alicia claimed, although her eyes were still watering slightly and she kept clearing her throat. She tried to soothe the irritation with another mouthful. “I do have some sick leave saved up if I’m not better by Monday.”
Kalinda laughed before resuming. Seeing Alicia pink with embarrassment over the subject harked back to better times between them. Back when she could say outrageous things and watch Alicia enjoy being shaken out of her propriety. She couldn’t resist pursuing the subject further. “This thing’s bizarre. It’s all about transcendental vaginal orgasms, medical quackery and telling everyone else they’re coming the wrong way.”
“Really?” Alicia managed between swallows.
“I know the woman had two caesareans, but you’d think her bits might mean more to her than just sex.”
Alicia just blinked. The notion that Kalinda had any thoughts on childbirth was startling.
“I’d imagine you felt differently about your vagina after pushing out Zach and Grace.”
Alicia managed to not choke this time and just swallow like a grown-up.
“How do you know I didn’t have caesareans too?” She was proud of herself for the steadiness of her voice.
Kalinda just raised an eyebrow and reached for her glass for the second time.
“Kalinda! How the fuck do you know that?” Apparently swearing was contagious.
Kalinda was smirking now. “Just a guess.”
“Based on what!?” Kalinda wouldn’t have somehow accessed her medical records, would she? No doubt she knew how to, but...
“It was less common when you had yours.” Kalinda gestured towards Alicia with her glass. “And I know you. You would have wanted to do it yourself. I bet you even tried to do it without pain relief.”
Alicia wasn’t sure what to be more astonished at: how close to what did happen Kalinda’s assumption was; that Kalinda could guess her motives more than a decade before they met; or most likely, that Kalinda had ever imagined how Alicia gave birth.
“I will neither confirm nor deny,” Alicia declared, still disconcerted.
“You just did.” The bratty smirk was back in place as she set down her glass and reopened the book. “What offends me is not just how straight, but how strident she is about how other women should come.
“I’ll try not to take your remark personally.”
Kalinda looked up to give her a little grin. “She’s very sure her vaginal orgasms are superior to silly clitoral ones. Given how few women have them -- kind of judgemental.”
Alicia must have gotten tipsy faster than expected (was this her first or second glass?) because she didn’t change the subject, “Agreed.”
Kalinda kept needling. “And even if a woman has one, it’s not like you can penetrate the vagina without moving the clit too. It’s all part of the same bunch of nerves.”
Alicia was about to ask a question before she remembered herself and drained her glass instead. She reached for the bottle again.
Kalinda kept skimming the pages. “I can’t see why she gives such primacy to penile/vaginal sex. It’s not how I’ve had most of my best orgasms.”
Alicia thought about that other time with Peter in the bathroom, no kidding, and just nodded.
“Wow, she’s even anti-masturbation. Get this: sex with a ‘virile’ man is better than a ‘vibrator and a pint of Häagen-Dazs’.” Kalinda shook her head. “If she’s eating ice-cream at the same time as using her vibrator, no wonder it isn’t working out.”
“Also messy,” suggested Alicia.
“The wrong kind of sticky,” offered Kalinda slyly. She probably ought to stop, but Alicia was still gamely in the conversation.
Was she really discussing secretions with Kalinda Sharma? Alicia topped up her glass again.
Kalinda kept looking at the pages. “Seems like a huge revelation that her pelvic nerve is connected to her brain. I guess the name ‘Central Nervous System’ was too vague.”
“Maybe she’s never dropped anything on her foot and felt it hurt.”
Kalinda was still grinning, “Or, she’s just that stupid.” She drained most of the rest of her glass. “Explains a lot.”
“It would also explain why my mother is so into her.”
“Too bad I didn’t get to meet your mother.” Kalinda looked knowingly amused.
Alicia couldn’t even imagine how appalling that might have been. “No it wasn’t!” She was unusually vehement.
“Hang on, this is the best review I read...” Kalinda fished for her BlackBerry in her jacket and commenced pressing the buttons rapidly. “Ariel Levy for the ‘New Yorker’.”
Alicia noticed that Kalinda had to type in a password to get behind an online paywall. Then chided herself for being surprised about Kalinda’s reading habits.
Kalinda started reciting:
“Over time, if a woman's "vagina is targeted verbally, her heart rate, blood pressure, circulation, and many other systems will suffer chronically," Wolf writes. Thus, if you "bully a woman by insulting her vagina," you are committing an act of physical violence. Wolf claims that vaginal slander -- referring to the vagina by its "awful" feline moniker, for instance -- "apparently affects the very tissue of the vagina." She bases this conclusion on a study of female rats whose vaginal tissue showed signs of change after periods of stress. The experiment did not, however, entail researchers yelling "Rat pussy!" at the animals; stress was manufactured physically. Wolf's interpretation of the science is, as usual, rather free.”
By the end, Alicia was laughing freely and Kalinda joined in with her little snorting giggle that Alicia hadn’t heard for years. This had been a good idea, this was what they’d both been missing.
Alicia was just getting herself back under control when Kalinda hissed “Rat pussy!” at her viciously and set her off again.
By the time Alicia managed to settle down, Kalinda was smiling at her, obviously pleased with herself.
“Thank you. I needed that.”
“You’re welcome.”
They touched glasses and drank. Alicia realised she needed another refill.
“There’s more stupid -- like how vaginal orgasms unleash creativity. I’m pretty sure Jane Austen wasn’t fucking that sister she shared the bed with. And what about the Brontës, or Emily Dickinson, or a bunch of other virgins?”
Alicia honestly couldn’t remember ever hearing Kalinda so talkative. She took another sip in wonderment and hoped her face was not too flushed.
“Here she quotes a Sappho poem as being about having an orgasm, when it’s actually about loving someone distantly.”
“You sit around reading Lesbian love poetry?”
“Would you believe I was a...”
“No!”
“If you’re going to call me a liar, I’ll need more wine to endure it.” Kalinda held her glass up.
“Sure.” Alicia reached for the bottle, which was empty. Had she really consumed the entire thing except for the one glass that Kalinda had drunk? “I’ll get more.”
She slipped away to the kitchen for another bottle. She shook her head as she manipulated the corkscrew. Apparently Naomi Wolf’s vagina had the power to push the usually elliptical Kalinda into a rant. Although -- Alicia tipped her head as she picked up the bottle and returned to the living room -- if anything was going to do it, someone else telling Kalinda what to do with her own vagina was probably it.
Alicia sat down, filled Kalinda’s glass and handed it to her. Then she topped-up her own and turned to sit sideways, feet drawn up under her, facing Kalinda. The other woman seemed to have run out of ammunition. The book was resting on the padded bench in front of the sofa, she was sipping her wine and looking serenely in the direction of the fireplace.
“Is it really so different?” Alicia couldn’t believe her own nerve: obviously there was some disinhibition involved, but she was fully aware of what she was doing.
Kalinda turned to look at her, surprised at the probable meaning of Alicia’s question. “Is what different?”
Alicia didn’t take up the offer to retract. “Sex with women.”
“After what I just said, I can’t speak for women.”
Alicia rolled her eyes and rephrased -- apparently court was in session. “Is it different for you?” She slid her bare feet forward, lightly touching her toes to Kalinda’s thigh. She told herself it was more comfortable than having her knees drawn up.
Straight women had played this game many times with Kalinda, the touches that pretended to be innocent, the curious inquiries, then either the courage to find out or a retreat back to known territory. She never would have expected to play it with Alicia Florrick, which meant tonight was no game.
Kalinda was unprepared. With anyone else, she would have jumped in and seen where things led. Normally it didn’t matter. Everything about Alicia mattered. She realised she hadn’t answered, she had turned her head to look back at the fireplace -- away from Alicia. Kalinda made her decision.
She turned her eyes back to Alicia’s. “Yeah -- it’s different.” Kalinda tried to ascertain what was in Alicia’s face. She watched Alicia inhale, tried not to look at the movement of her chest. “Okay if I put my feet up?” If Alicia wanted to test the waters, Kalinda would provide somewhere for her to dip her toes.
“Sure.”
Kalinda leaned forward to grasp the zipper of one boot and slid it down, then the other, and wrenched them off with a practised grasp of the heel. She could feel Alicia’s eyes upon her. She sat up again, took the throw pillow from behind her and offered it to Alicia who looked uncomfortable propped against the armrest. She managed to swap it for Alicia’s wineglass, putting it at the farthest corner of the tray. Then she lifted her calves to rest on the bench before the sofa and leant back against the sofa cushions.
Alicia looked at her wineglass, at Kalinda now reclining uncharacteristically supine. She accepted the terms. She let herself sink into the pillow at her back and slid her feet more firmly against Kalinda’s thigh, toes wedging underneath.
“Are you going to expand on this difference?” The air between them felt heavy. Neither of them had looked away.
“It’s slower, takes longer. You can’t do it in an hour over lunch -- not properly.”
It was a deliberate dig. Alicia quirked her lips and made an amused sound in her throat.
Kalinda dropped her hand to rest on Alicia’s ankle and felt her react. The tension was palpable.
They’d touched before: a hand on the back steering the other person, catching the inside of an elbow, Kalinda tugging on Alicia’s wrist, Alicia grasping Kalinda’s hand and leading her. But this was deliberate, even more so as Kalinda’s palm pushed an inch higher under the cuff of Alicia’s jeans and her thumb began to stroke over the bones of her ankle. Alicia’s awareness had narrowed to Kalinda’s hand on her leg and eyes on her face. Alicia’s gaze was steady and told Kalinda to continue.
“I think it comes down to it not being so goal-oriented.” Alicia’s eyebrows asked for more information. “Straight sex is so defined by intercourse, but everything two women do together would be considered foreplay. When sex between women isn’t even considered real sex, there’s no script to stick to.”
“That’s not a very flattering view of straight sex.”
“Yeah. Neither is the fact that most men come in a few minutes, before their partners, and then need to take a break.”
“Why have sex with men at all then?”
Kalinda laughed dryly. “It’s easy.”
Alicia huffed out her amusement in turn.
“And sometimes I want to be fucked. Plus the fact that both partners get off.” Kalinda tilted her head. “Not that two women can’t do that, but I like just focusing on a woman; knowing exactly how she’s responding; what she needs to happen next.”
Alicia was having increasing difficulty keeping the conversation abstract, images of Kalinda doing things to her entering her head. On the other hand, Alicia had been the one to start it tonight. And wasn’t that why she’d started it?
“So how long are we talking? To do things ‘properly’, as you put it.”
Kalinda kept moving her hand gently back and forth. She could just feel the start of soft regrowth on Alicia’s shin, meaning that Alicia waxed or epilated instead of shaving. And like absolutely everything about Alicia, it mattered that she knew this now.
“That depends on the two women -- it can be hours. If I know she can come again, there’s no need to stop and wait, I just keep going... Or sometimes, having an orgasm isn’t the point and no one pretends it is. To me it’s more honest.”
“What? Women don’t fake it with each other?”
“Sure, but there’s not a lot of point to doing it.”
“You sound like a propagandist.”
Kalinda smiled and raised her eyebrows. “Trust me, sex with women can be lousy. And then it’s really awkward.”
“Really?”
“You can’t just let the guy get off, and be on your way in ten minutes. You have to talk about it.” Kalinda added jokingly: “If you don’t enjoy a detailed discussion afterwards: steer clear of women.”
Alicia laughed. She strongly suspected Donna was being referenced there, yet the advice was unexpectedly relevant for herself. She was also finding this surprisingly easy. The wine was helping certainly, but maybe just because it was Kalinda? The real Kalinda, the version Alicia had come to realise only she got to see and even then, mostly in her peripheral vision. Alicia had watched Kalinda deploy endless variations on seduction, both sexual and emotional, during their work together. Kalinda wasn’t doing any of that tonight. Just Kalinda’s touch, her words and the steadiness of her gaze had Alicia aroused.
Alicia knew she was about to ask what would be her penultimate question? “What do you think we’d be like together?”
Kalinda knew this was the tipping point: Alicia was actually considering it. This talk wasn’t just something to joke about every now and again. “I suspect you’re much more...” Kalinda wanted to say dominant, but that was too blatant, “...powerful sexually than people assume.” She paused. “I think we’d be fantastic.”
And it was true: alongside their developing relationship and Kalinda’s growing investment, Alicia had been steadily coming into her own power. Every time Kalinda saw Alicia exercise it, her response was involuntary and compelling. Kalinda knew there was potential for her to relate to Alicia in a way she would never be able to with another person.
Kalinda’s words were surprising to Alicia. She’d imagined Kalinda guiding her, being the one in control and things staying that way. Now she wondered if that was force of habit from the way she’d consciously set her life on a different path to her mother: played a role that was traditional and nurturing. Thinking about it, from almost their beginning, Kalinda had let her be in charge. Even when urging her to act in her own self-interest at work, Kalinda had positioned it so that Alicia had to make the moves herself. And the few times Kalinda had tried to steer their relationship she’d realised her mistake and returned the reins to Alicia.
It was startling: the sudden revelation that she and Kalinda were now playing opposite roles to how they started out. That Kalinda’s leather-clad persona was actually for public consumption, and not the person she was at all, or at least not the person she was with Alicia.
Alicia had realised nearly a year ago that she held all the power in their relationship, but she’d never drilled down to think just what that could mean. And she’d never allowed herself to feel the responsibility or the allure of it like she was now.
“I want you to kiss me Kalinda.” It was going to be a request, but she realised a demand was more appropriate.
There was no way for Kalinda to refuse. Not when Alicia voiced it directly, and not when she looked like that: green eyes holding Kalinda’s dark ones steadily, her wrap fallen open and the shape of her breasts visible as she lay back on the couch.
“Sit up?”
Kalinda helped Alicia steer her feet down to the floor and then lean against the couch back. Alicia wasn’t sure exactly what she expected to happen, but it wasn’t Kalinda hiking her skirt up and swinging a leg over Alicia’s thighs to straddle her. Well, she hadn’t specified how she wanted to be kissed, and this was certainly more comfortable than twisting to the side to find Kalinda’s mouth.
Kalinda swallowed and knew her hands were shaking even before she saw the evidence of it as she touched Alicia’s face. She traced the lines of Alicia’s beauty: her eyebrows, her cheekbones, her lips. Alicia’s eyes closed before one hand gently took hold of Alicia’s jaw and the other slid into her hair. Then Kalinda met Alicia’s mouth with her own.
Soft, so soft...and gentle and sensual -- all the stereotypes Alicia had been expecting to come with kissing a woman. But this was Kalinda, so it didn’t stay that way. Alicia had expected Kalinda to draw back, to give her a look, so? But she didn’t stop. Instead she kept going. Kalinda’s lips caressed hers over and over...and then the merest touches of her tongue. It was all so tender, demanding nothing from her but pulling arousal from deep inside her despite that.
Alicia responded without thinking. Her lips parted and she felt Kalinda respond in turn: both hands now twisting in Alicia’s hair and a soft noise that could have been a moan or a whimper issuing from her throat. Alicia realised her hands had found their way to Kalinda’s shoulders and were clinging to her. Now they travelled down Kalinda’s back, feeling her heat through silk cloth; the lines of her bra; and the solid band of leather accentuating her slender waist. Kalinda’s mouth continued to accept what Alicia offered and delved deeper inside. She felt the first touch of Kalinda’s tongue against her own, and knew then that Kalinda was right: they could do this for hours. She wanted to do this for hours. Deeper and deeper, now she knew the taste of Kalinda’s mouth underneath the red wine they’d shared. And Alicia wanted more -- suddenly she wanted everything.
Her hands dropped lower, sliding first to Kalinda’s hips, then her ass and then she pulled -- forcefully.
Kalinda reared back, breaking their kiss. “Fuck, Alicia!” Her shock at Alicia’s actions and the sensation of their bodies suddenly pressed together more than she could process at once.
Then Alicia felt Kalinda’s hands bend her head back and Kalinda’s mouth was on her neck, running along her jaw towards her ear, then down the pale column of her throat.
Kalinda wanted to suck, to bite, to leave a mark and make some sort of claim but held herself in. She sampled the bitter patch where Alicia dabbed her perfume and then saltier skin lower down under the chain of the necklace Alicia was wearing. She dipped lower still and tasted the hollow where collarbones met sternum. She wanted her, wanted her so badly. Years of telling herself that she didn’t/couldn’t/shouldn’t were battered away by the floodwaters of desire that were raging through her body. Her hands left Alicia’s hair to push the wrap off her shoulders and then pull away the fabric and bra strap. Each new inch of skin Kalinda’s mouth gained access to, just made her want the next more. But what the hell was she doing? Trying to arouse Alicia past the point of good sense and into bed? What would happen an hour later, let alone tomorrow morning? Risking everything they’d rebuilt for a single night of memories and answered questions wasn’t worth it.
Kalinda dragged her mouth away from Alicia’s beautiful skin and tried to draw herself up and away again, but this time Alicia’s hands were in her hair. This time the other woman took control. Alicia dipped her face and found out that, yes, the line of Kalinda’s jaw was as sharp as it looked. And yes, deep within Kalinda’s hair were the pins that held it in place day in and day out.
If it had been absolutely anyone else, Kalinda would have batted their hands away -- distracted her partner with some move on her part. But since it was Alicia, she acquiesced. She could feel Alicia’s fingers working the first one out of her hair, struggling to figure out the placement and angle.
“Take your hair down.” Alicia dropped her hands to Kalinda’s waist and watched the other woman comply. She could tell by Kalinda’s expression and hesitant fingers that this wasn’t something she did customarily -- that this was deeply intimate.
She wasn’t aware of the fact that her fingers took each hairpin from Kalinda’s as they were removed until she had a small collection of trophies folded into her palm and an entirely different Kalinda sitting before her.
It ought to have been impossible, but Kalinda was even more beautiful, more sensual, with her hair loose and messy. She also seemed more naked (and more vulnerable) than if she’d taken her clothes off.
On some level Alicia gave herself permission to like that...
She slid one hand under a couch pillow and left Kalinda’s hairpins there. Then Alicia’s hands ran up the back of Kalinda’s skull, her fingers intertwining with the long dark strands before forming two fists and bringing Kalinda’s mouth back to hers.
Kalinda’s blood was roaring -- out-of-control didn’t come close to describing the feeling of Alicia, Alicia, claiming her mouth. She felt powerless -- deliciously so.
Alicia kept kissing her, neither of them holding back. Then Alicia’s hands began to roam, while Kalinda’s could only clutch Alicia’s shoulders for support.
Safe territory, such as running down and up Kalinda’s back, rapidly became less so as Alicia’s hands made another trip down; brushing over the curve of Kalinda’s breasts. A brief pause to encircle her waist ended as they slid to her hips and then went lower still. First they found the hem of her skirt, and then Alicia’s hands began to push up, feeling the friction of Kalinda’s stockings give way to the smoothness of skin at the top of her thighs. Alicia’s thumbs stroked the margin of bareness on each leg between stocking and panty-line and felt Kalinda’s breaths accelerate against her mouth.
Kalinda finally managed to wrench her mouth away. “Maybe this is a mistake.” It sounded weak and about an hour too late to her own ears.
“Maybe it will be what fixes everything.” Alicia tightened her hands, gripping Kalinda’s thighs. Her eyes were hooded and her voice was sure. “Take me to bed, Kalinda.”
Kalinda wasn’t sure how she managed to slide off and actually walk, leading Alicia to her bedroom, but they were standing next to Alicia’s bed, Alicia’s larger hands in her smaller ones.
Kalinda stopped, didn’t push Alicia down. Instead she wrapped her arms around Alicia, resting her face against Alicia’s collarbones. She wanted Alicia to know that this was anything but a by-the-numbers seduction to her, that actually it was everything, but didn’t know how to say the words. Alicia could feel the trembling of Kalinda’s body against hers as she returned the embrace, dropping her lips to the top of Kalinda’s head, which was an inch or so lower than she was accustomed to with both of them barefoot.
Kalinda drew back. “Alicia, this isn’t just... You aren’t...” She couldn’t get it out.
Alicia stroked fingers across Kalinda’s face. “I know.”
Kalinda’s fingers were still shaking but not hesitant when she dropped her hands to the hem of Alicia’s top in order to raise it over her head. Her only other action before gently laying Alicia down was to unbutton and discard her own blouse and pull down the covers. For what they were about to do, Kalinda had no intention of rushing.
+++++++
Hours later, Alicia travelled up Kalinda’s body to rest her head on Kalinda’s breast, reclining in the cradle of her parted legs. Alicia heard Kalinda’s heart slowing gradually in concert with the rise and fall of her breathing. Kalinda’s hands, which had been unceasing in their caresses, entwined themselves in Alicia’s hair before finally stilling.
Kalinda’s body surrendered to sleep as completely as she had surrendered all of herself to Alicia’s mouth moments earlier.
Every nerve in Alicia hummed with the memory of Kalinda’s hands, her slender fingers, her soft mouth, her precise tongue, and the insistent warmth of her curved flesh. That Alicia could still want more after being so repeatedly and entirely satisfied told her how right this was for her -- for them. There was relief from the anger and grief she’d held onto since that day when she had seen the news ticker in the dry-cleaners, four years ago. The grief that had been renewed after Andrew Wylie spoke the name Leela to her retreating back. And there was also joy -- something she hadn’t felt more than fleetingly for years before that if she were honest with herself.
In the space of a few hours, Alicia’s life had become much more complicated and simultaneously simpler, because everything had changed. Alicia knew from the way Kalinda had wept with emotion as naked as their bodies after the first time she came, that everything had changed for her too -- albeit for different reasons. Alicia kissed the tears from Kalinda’s face and told her “I forgive you,” as her hand withdrew from Kalinda’s body. And she meant it.
Few other words had been exchanged between them since they had entered Alicia’s bedroom except for each other’s names, Kalinda’s whispered praise for Alicia’s beauty and courage, and Alicia’s pleas for something she knew Kalinda would give her but begged for despite that knowledge. There was a lot they needed to talk about, a talk Alicia wanted to have, but that could wait for daylight and tomorrow. So Alicia closed her eyes and joined Kalinda again, this time in unconsciousness.