Today is weird, free time?
I never take a day off...
EVER!
I came back from a rather dull conference (Scientists talking about their old work while trying to wring more money out of poor charities...) and a patient 'meet the scientist' event which as always was emotionally draining, loaded on guilt like it had come from a dump truck and as always leaves me paralysed to do anything since I don't have the answer to 'when will you find a cure?'.
Long and short, today I am uncharacteristically: working from home.
This is not my style,
also as a scientist working from home doesn't really...work.
I need to be in the lab, I feel weird on a weekday being out of it.
But I also feel it is good for me.
I know I work long hours, and not even the most productively...just long, to be there, to keep chipping away. I never feel like I've achieved anything.
I think today is good for me, I don't often do things for myself.
I can't say it helped when bf left the house this morning heckling me for 'slacking'....urgh. I take it all too much to heart.
I have always liked to write. Though I think science writing has squashed a lot of the lightness and beauty out of my prose.
I used to write about my loves and losses of the heart and naturally about my crushing loneliness and how no one ever understood me (I'm only human after all). At the moment I just want to write to 'see myself and set the darkness echoing' terrible thing plagiarism :)
The problem that is most at the surface of the murky waters of my mind is my fear of never being good enough, never truly being loved and being found out as a fake.
In work it is their duty to never let you feel good enough so that you keep trying.
If you never feel loved perhaps your eyes aren't truly open, or you wilfully misunderstand to keep yourself separate. I'm constantly figuring out whether bf truly loves me, sometimes I think he loves me more than I him, other times that he is incapable of love and my worst I'm convinced that he hates me, is cheating on me, or in love with him ex. So far so cliché right?
What the truth should be, and I am intent on making it so, is that what ever I get from him or others is just a pleasant addition to my life, I will be all things to myself and enrich my personal world so that my thoughts are not always so consumed by the real or imagined shortcomings of myself or those around me.
EVER!
I came back from a rather dull conference (Scientists talking about their old work while trying to wring more money out of poor charities...) and a patient 'meet the scientist' event which as always was emotionally draining, loaded on guilt like it had come from a dump truck and as always leaves me paralysed to do anything since I don't have the answer to 'when will you find a cure?'.
Long and short, today I am uncharacteristically: working from home.
This is not my style,
also as a scientist working from home doesn't really...work.
I need to be in the lab, I feel weird on a weekday being out of it.
But I also feel it is good for me.
I know I work long hours, and not even the most productively...just long, to be there, to keep chipping away. I never feel like I've achieved anything.
I think today is good for me, I don't often do things for myself.
I can't say it helped when bf left the house this morning heckling me for 'slacking'....urgh. I take it all too much to heart.
I have always liked to write. Though I think science writing has squashed a lot of the lightness and beauty out of my prose.
I used to write about my loves and losses of the heart and naturally about my crushing loneliness and how no one ever understood me (I'm only human after all). At the moment I just want to write to 'see myself and set the darkness echoing' terrible thing plagiarism :)
The problem that is most at the surface of the murky waters of my mind is my fear of never being good enough, never truly being loved and being found out as a fake.
In work it is their duty to never let you feel good enough so that you keep trying.
If you never feel loved perhaps your eyes aren't truly open, or you wilfully misunderstand to keep yourself separate. I'm constantly figuring out whether bf truly loves me, sometimes I think he loves me more than I him, other times that he is incapable of love and my worst I'm convinced that he hates me, is cheating on me, or in love with him ex. So far so cliché right?
What the truth should be, and I am intent on making it so, is that what ever I get from him or others is just a pleasant addition to my life, I will be all things to myself and enrich my personal world so that my thoughts are not always so consumed by the real or imagined shortcomings of myself or those around me.