sleep until the walls come crumbling down.

[schwann]

Figures I haven't updated for months, and the only thing I want to write about is... Well...

Comments

[schwann]

I'm just too afraid that they won't really want to have anything to do with me in real life or something, I don't know. It's me just getting myself down again. (And I'm not there just yet... Give it a month, and I will be!)

I just have a horrible problem with taking it to heart, I think. These days, I see myself as so, ergh, old, and being unable to make friends or really connect with people makes me feel like such a failure. All I have to talk about is fandom or complaining about my life or things that happened in the past (not necessarily in a bad light) and... I want to be interesting. This feeling of being boring and obnoxious needs to just go away. I know I can make friends because I'm generally a nice person, I'm just not really sure how.

This is going to sound SO LAME... But. I really wish we weren't arriving a few days late to go to an anime convention that's taking place in Houston. For me... It's like I cease being really anxious and feel really at home around some of the people, because they won't be put off by me being a geeky girl. Every time I've gone to one I end up feeling so confidant about myself and like I can really get out of my shell and talk. I actually do end up making friends, which surprises me every time. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

I don't. NC is like, A DRY STATE. Okay, well, it's really not, but I don't talk to anyone that lives here. Kind of sad! >: I miss being in Florida, because I knew people there and had a chance to get out once in a million years if I needed to.

A volunteer program sounds interesting, that's for sure. I might have to look into that, especially when we get into Houston. /orz so nervous

[criminalize]

goes without saying, but: please don't! there is no reason why someone wouldn't want anything to do with you. and yanno, a weird thing is, sometimes you don't click with people online but you do with them offline, so don't ever think of yourself as unworthy because of a failed encounter. (honestly, a lot of my RL friends and i are that way; we're BFFs offline, but online, we have absolutely nothing to say to each other and it's just a strain to try and talk. not quite sure how that works, but there you go. it can be the same vice versa sometimes too.)

oi, aren't we about the same age? XD and i don't think i'm old, so you're not old either. talking about fandom and life isn't boring or obnoxious, dude. honestly, i can't think of anything more interesting than hearing about a person's life; what they've done, places they've been, things they've experienced, etc. you can't ever think of yourself as boring; things that you may think are boring are actually really interesting to other people. (easy example from my own life here: i currently work PT editing articles for magazines. everyone immediately goes "OOOH, SO COOL~!" at that, but really, all i do is beta read one or two papers and then surf 4chan for like 7 hours. there's nothing interesting or glamorous about the job at all; in fact, the articles i edit are articles about water and mining pumps. boring. ass. shit. but for some reason people find it cool.) from what you're saying i think honestly the main thing keeping you back is your own doubt. you have to take a more active role; BE A SEME, or something. ask people out, and when you guys split to go back home, if you had fun then ask them out again, and again, and again, and don't ever let doubts about how it went or how they perceive you hold you back.

it sounds a little like you feel like being geeky is a bad thing outside of anime conventions. it isn't! if you can feel confident about yourself in cons (which i don't think i'd be confident in tbh, since it's like AAAAAA TALKING TO COSTUMED TRANGERS) then there's no reason why you can't be confident outside of cons too. don't forget, there are a lot of people out there who're just as geeky as you are. :P why are you arriving late, though? can't you drive there earlier?

i'm glad you're moving out of NC, then! ahaha, i'd really recommend volunteer programs, if only because they're so fulfilling if you find one that matches what you like, or if you find one with a good group of people. plus, you also feel a little bit of pride and an ego boost that you're doing something that's worthwhile. :D