(no subject)
This has been on my mind lately.
J was my best friend from the middle of year 10 until the end of first year uni, so for about 3 1/2 years. After that, we caught up very infrequently until late last year when we stopped altogether.
We'd talk about everything. We could catch up just to catch up, not need things to talk about or things to do together, we'd be perfectly happy just sitting in a park talking all day. We used to love each other's company. We were brother and sister basically, and would say so often. We helped each other through our problems (mainly me helping her though, I'd have to say) and told each other absolutely everything. She was my first real best friend.
After first year uni, she very rarely made time for me to catch up. I still wanted to see her of course so I kept trying, but got frustrated very quickly and got angry then gave up. Months later I tried again and we met a few times after that, maybe once or twice per year, but at her 20th birthday I finally realised that there just wasn't any point, I was trying and she wasn't, so I figure that if we meet again, it will be on HER initiative, not mine, because I simply couldn't be bothered. About half a year after that I give another try (with some vitriol to boot aimed at her), I'm not entirely sure why, and we meet up once more for coffee and it is really nice, in fact it's just like the old times.
But after that, well, it's just like before. She'll do the SMS/e-mail/MSN thing of "Oh my god we haven't caught up for AAAAGES, remind me so we can make a time to meet!" kinda thing over and over and nothing would ever come of it. Eventually I decide, once more, that if we meet again, it will be on her initiative and not mine.
Here is the part that makes me feel weird:
Last year, around september, I get an SMS from her saying that she needs another judge for a tournament of minds thing she's helping to run and would I be able to do it. I instantly erase her phone number from my phone and when I get home I block her from MSN. She never makes time for me, yet now that *she* needs help, she feels no qualms about asking me to help out with my time. I get a happy birthday SMS a few days later on my birthday (I still recognised the number).
And about a month after that, an chain-mail SMS from an unrecognised number that was probably her (by this time I'd forgotten her number and couldn't recognise it anymore) and I simply replied "oh god, not a chain-mail SMS"
And I haven't heard from her since, nor has she heard from me.
I should have been honest with her and told her that I didn't want to stay friends.... I mean, how do you do that? But I should have tried to be honest nonetheless. But as I see it, she treated me no better in all the time she was doing nothing to be friendly and I was trying to be nice, and that thing about asking me to help her when she had barely made any time for me in the last 4 years ticked me right off.
But I still feel guilty. And I miss her as she was when we really were friends.
J was my best friend from the middle of year 10 until the end of first year uni, so for about 3 1/2 years. After that, we caught up very infrequently until late last year when we stopped altogether.
We'd talk about everything. We could catch up just to catch up, not need things to talk about or things to do together, we'd be perfectly happy just sitting in a park talking all day. We used to love each other's company. We were brother and sister basically, and would say so often. We helped each other through our problems (mainly me helping her though, I'd have to say) and told each other absolutely everything. She was my first real best friend.
After first year uni, she very rarely made time for me to catch up. I still wanted to see her of course so I kept trying, but got frustrated very quickly and got angry then gave up. Months later I tried again and we met a few times after that, maybe once or twice per year, but at her 20th birthday I finally realised that there just wasn't any point, I was trying and she wasn't, so I figure that if we meet again, it will be on HER initiative, not mine, because I simply couldn't be bothered. About half a year after that I give another try (with some vitriol to boot aimed at her), I'm not entirely sure why, and we meet up once more for coffee and it is really nice, in fact it's just like the old times.
But after that, well, it's just like before. She'll do the SMS/e-mail/MSN thing of "Oh my god we haven't caught up for AAAAGES, remind me so we can make a time to meet!" kinda thing over and over and nothing would ever come of it. Eventually I decide, once more, that if we meet again, it will be on her initiative and not mine.
Here is the part that makes me feel weird:
Last year, around september, I get an SMS from her saying that she needs another judge for a tournament of minds thing she's helping to run and would I be able to do it. I instantly erase her phone number from my phone and when I get home I block her from MSN. She never makes time for me, yet now that *she* needs help, she feels no qualms about asking me to help out with my time. I get a happy birthday SMS a few days later on my birthday (I still recognised the number).
And about a month after that, an chain-mail SMS from an unrecognised number that was probably her (by this time I'd forgotten her number and couldn't recognise it anymore) and I simply replied "oh god, not a chain-mail SMS"
And I haven't heard from her since, nor has she heard from me.
I should have been honest with her and told her that I didn't want to stay friends.... I mean, how do you do that? But I should have tried to be honest nonetheless. But as I see it, she treated me no better in all the time she was doing nothing to be friendly and I was trying to be nice, and that thing about asking me to help her when she had barely made any time for me in the last 4 years ticked me right off.
But I still feel guilty. And I miss her as she was when we really were friends.