Flood Part 1
This is basically for me to deluge these thoughts that have been running around in my head
and being honed and shaped over the past month or so, i don't particularly care if anyone
reads it, or not, but i need to get this out, and have a permanant record of this time in
my life. This is my fucking catalyst.
Im so fucking sick of thinking about this breakup and shit, i don't try to get it out of
my head, it just doesn't dissipate. Over and over things go around in my mind, until
i just yell 'fuck!' and just ask myself, again 'what the fuck happened?'
The shit i have learnt and the man i have become through this has been amazing.
I've never been humbled by anything more in my life, indeed, this is so much
shit i could never have been told, but i had to learn through experience.
I know what its like to cry myself to sleep, and force blood into my head because
im so upset. I know what its like to not eat because your so upset over something,
albeit for a week. I've realised that emotions aren't always (and sometimes rarely)
in my control. I've learnt how to eat my words. I've learnt how you can be so sure
of something in my mind, and for it to be completely wrong. I've learnt that neither
i, nor anyone else can 'have it all together'. I've learnt that my a,b,c,d mentality
(this will happen, then this, then this)i so fallible, it made me a fool. I'VE LEARNT
THAT EVERY BLACK AND WHITE I HAD BLEEDS INTO GREY. I've learnt to accept the fact that
everyone is completely individual, yet inherently human, at the same time. Nothing ever
works out like you planned, but that was just the thing, it was an awesome relationship
on its own, it didnt need a 'plan' to be attached to it ('My heart waits for its chance
to dance upon the ashes of my burnt up little plans' (The Classic Crime: 'Who Needs Air').
Me and my 'conclusions' can burn in hell, i endeavour to never be that man anymore.
The thing that hurts a lot about all that i've learnt, the things i've changed, was that
i was accused of changing for someone (her), which is such a fault on her part, i
no longer know who the man was from 2 months ago. I never 'changed for her' i was
'changed by her'('I Thought that i could change you, but you've changed me' Emery:
"The Ponytail Parades"). Seemingly, the best thing that ever happened to me had
become the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ironically, that has now
transpired into the best thing that has ever happened to me, she has had the most amazing
influence on the man that i am today, and the man i am still becoming. Never have i been
impacted more by another human being.
But, on the same token, that person was the one that hurt me the most. I am a communicator,
and i tried everything i could to a)stop this from happening in the first place, and
B)win her back and talk it out. The number of times i invited us during the relationship
to talk about if there were issues, and for her to say no, was unbelievable. While we
were together, we didn't fight, i should have taken that as a sign. I should have seen
this coming, but hey, i was in love. But now to hear that there were 'a lot of unresolved
issues that i didn't bring up' just kills me. I am the kind of guy who like to have a
clean slate all the time, i try not to let issues run on too long, as they sit under
the surface, and fester away like cancer. I also see that kind of behaviour synonymous
of a bad relationship. The problem is that these 'other issues' that apparently 'are too
complex so that we could never work them out' (which i believe to be the biggest load of
BS ever) have never actually been identified, or defined. It makes me feel like its just
an excuse, but thats just my perspective. I'm not saying
that that is the case. The issues that were brought up, i have dealt with on my own,
in
my own behaviours to the best of my ability. I mean, if our 'i love yous' were sincere,
shouldn't love surpass emotion, and come out on top? isn't true love supposed to conquer
all? The realisation that i have now made is that she didn't love me at all. It stings so
harsh of betrayal in my heart, and will effect my trust to people for the rest of my life,
in some sense. I know i'll be able to trust someone again to say those words, and hear
them returned and believe them again. But why would she say it if she didn't mean it?
She confessed to 'not being herself' in the end of the relationship, so the question i
pose is 'WHO THE FUCK DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH?' Its interesting to note that
she said she was unhappy for the last 2 months of the relationship- why did she not bring up the issues she was concerned with? That coupled with the problems i was bringing to the table, as well
as issues with her family, inevitably could have brought an end to this. I so sincerely
believe that she never loved me, never loved the real me, and i never saw who she really
was. I've seen some of her true colours now though, refusing me forgiveness which hurts a lot, but also
synonymous with someone who truly wasn't in love. This is good though, for me, as it
releases me from this hell that has been in my mind: 'I've blown my first true love'.
Seems it never was.
However, this has not stopped my belief, ultimately, in love. The only thing left for me to
do is take everything i've learnt, and apply it to the lover i can and will be. I still want to be
gentle, graceful, forgiving, loving, understanding, passionate amongst a lot of attributes to a
special woman, who ultimately i will love. I wonder how many more times she will give someone, seemingly
'one chance' then end it for her to realise that that isn't what a relationship is about? I feel as
though thats all i got, one strike and i was out. I poured my heart and soul into this, i 'fell in love and held nothing back' (Copeland), but i fear that my enthusiasm crushed the fragile love that was.
I have so much more to journal, but im exhausted. Tomorrow.
and being honed and shaped over the past month or so, i don't particularly care if anyone
reads it, or not, but i need to get this out, and have a permanant record of this time in
my life. This is my fucking catalyst.
Im so fucking sick of thinking about this breakup and shit, i don't try to get it out of
my head, it just doesn't dissipate. Over and over things go around in my mind, until
i just yell 'fuck!' and just ask myself, again 'what the fuck happened?'
The shit i have learnt and the man i have become through this has been amazing.
I've never been humbled by anything more in my life, indeed, this is so much
shit i could never have been told, but i had to learn through experience.
I know what its like to cry myself to sleep, and force blood into my head because
im so upset. I know what its like to not eat because your so upset over something,
albeit for a week. I've realised that emotions aren't always (and sometimes rarely)
in my control. I've learnt how to eat my words. I've learnt how you can be so sure
of something in my mind, and for it to be completely wrong. I've learnt that neither
i, nor anyone else can 'have it all together'. I've learnt that my a,b,c,d mentality
(this will happen, then this, then this)i so fallible, it made me a fool. I'VE LEARNT
THAT EVERY BLACK AND WHITE I HAD BLEEDS INTO GREY. I've learnt to accept the fact that
everyone is completely individual, yet inherently human, at the same time. Nothing ever
works out like you planned, but that was just the thing, it was an awesome relationship
on its own, it didnt need a 'plan' to be attached to it ('My heart waits for its chance
to dance upon the ashes of my burnt up little plans' (The Classic Crime: 'Who Needs Air').
Me and my 'conclusions' can burn in hell, i endeavour to never be that man anymore.
The thing that hurts a lot about all that i've learnt, the things i've changed, was that
i was accused of changing for someone (her), which is such a fault on her part, i
no longer know who the man was from 2 months ago. I never 'changed for her' i was
'changed by her'('I Thought that i could change you, but you've changed me' Emery:
"The Ponytail Parades"). Seemingly, the best thing that ever happened to me had
become the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ironically, that has now
transpired into the best thing that has ever happened to me, she has had the most amazing
influence on the man that i am today, and the man i am still becoming. Never have i been
impacted more by another human being.
But, on the same token, that person was the one that hurt me the most. I am a communicator,
and i tried everything i could to a)stop this from happening in the first place, and
B)win her back and talk it out. The number of times i invited us during the relationship
to talk about if there were issues, and for her to say no, was unbelievable. While we
were together, we didn't fight, i should have taken that as a sign. I should have seen
this coming, but hey, i was in love. But now to hear that there were 'a lot of unresolved
issues that i didn't bring up' just kills me. I am the kind of guy who like to have a
clean slate all the time, i try not to let issues run on too long, as they sit under
the surface, and fester away like cancer. I also see that kind of behaviour synonymous
of a bad relationship. The problem is that these 'other issues' that apparently 'are too
complex so that we could never work them out' (which i believe to be the biggest load of
BS ever) have never actually been identified, or defined. It makes me feel like its just
an excuse, but thats just my perspective. I'm not saying
that that is the case. The issues that were brought up, i have dealt with on my own,
in
my own behaviours to the best of my ability. I mean, if our 'i love yous' were sincere,
shouldn't love surpass emotion, and come out on top? isn't true love supposed to conquer
all? The realisation that i have now made is that she didn't love me at all. It stings so
harsh of betrayal in my heart, and will effect my trust to people for the rest of my life,
in some sense. I know i'll be able to trust someone again to say those words, and hear
them returned and believe them again. But why would she say it if she didn't mean it?
She confessed to 'not being herself' in the end of the relationship, so the question i
pose is 'WHO THE FUCK DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH?' Its interesting to note that
she said she was unhappy for the last 2 months of the relationship- why did she not bring up the issues she was concerned with? That coupled with the problems i was bringing to the table, as well
as issues with her family, inevitably could have brought an end to this. I so sincerely
believe that she never loved me, never loved the real me, and i never saw who she really
was. I've seen some of her true colours now though, refusing me forgiveness which hurts a lot, but also
synonymous with someone who truly wasn't in love. This is good though, for me, as it
releases me from this hell that has been in my mind: 'I've blown my first true love'.
Seems it never was.
However, this has not stopped my belief, ultimately, in love. The only thing left for me to
do is take everything i've learnt, and apply it to the lover i can and will be. I still want to be
gentle, graceful, forgiving, loving, understanding, passionate amongst a lot of attributes to a
special woman, who ultimately i will love. I wonder how many more times she will give someone, seemingly
'one chance' then end it for her to realise that that isn't what a relationship is about? I feel as
though thats all i got, one strike and i was out. I poured my heart and soul into this, i 'fell in love and held nothing back' (Copeland), but i fear that my enthusiasm crushed the fragile love that was.
I have so much more to journal, but im exhausted. Tomorrow.