Simple Problem, Simple Solution.
My guest today is an old co-worker from Domiho's. He was always a cool guy to hang around even though trouble always seemed to find him. I recently saw him on Facebook and learned that he had since deployed to Iraq where this post was written.
Please welcome Drew Wallburg!
Hey everyone. Today while I should have been paying dear attention I had a bit of a revelation... I can fix the prison system!!! It is easier than A, B, Life Sentence! I am less concerned with the nonviolent offenders, but I have a solution for them as well. Lets climb the ladder.
Nonviolent repeat offenders: Many people fuck up. God knows I have. What I havent done is get busted. Especially not repeatedly. Several years ago there was a kid tagging cars in Singapore. He got busted. Do you know what the Singapore officials did? They whipped that ass! The officials threw the little bastard in jail overnight and the next day began 10 lashes from a cane. The kid passed out afte 4. Did they finish? About as much as you did the first time your parents caught you spanking your pecker... not at all. They threw the kid BACK in jail and the next morning finished off. Public disgrace mixed with physical retribution is effective. How effective? Very goddamnit.
Drug offenders: First off, marijuana should not be illegal. It is a natural substance that does not make you violent and you cannot overdose from it. Legalize, control, and tax pot and an extreme portion of the cells will be clear. The origins of drug bans is a long topic for another rant on another day. Save the rest of the cells for those who sell hard, life destroying drugs, i.e. blow, crack, meth, heroin, etc. Some people you just cant change. Unless you are talking about location. You can change that. To a goddamn jail cell.
Violent offenders (murderers, rapists, child molestors): I have 1 word... Gladiator. We as humans love violence. So why not feed that carnal need? Build a stadium and once a year hold an "American Gladiators" competetion. Last man standing. Throw in hand to hand weapons (no powdered or stringed projectiles) and let them go at it. Give them cool helmets and names and list their offense before every bout. The child molestors wouldnt stand a chance. They would be fucked, which is what landed them in jail in the first place. The rapists would be, and I say this at great risk of people not finishing the paragraph due to terrible pun placement, raped. The hardcore thugs would be the biggest crowd drawing attraction since the tabloids produced pics of Britney's hoo-hoo.
Sell tickets. Sell beer. Take odds. Hell, if someone snuffs a bookie you might get lucky and get rid of a bum AND have a new contender for next season's games if he kills him. It could be a family event. "Dad, can we get season tickets to see assholes in prison fight to the bitter and painful death while simultaneously getting their just rewards?" "Sure son. Just let daddy finish his beer and tend to mommy's black eye." See... society loves violence.
What does the winner recieve? A one way ticket to a small deserted island with a week worth of water, a sleeping bag, and a survival knife. He wanted his freedom? Well he earned it. Ironically by doing what got him on death row in the first place. Every season drop the winner off on the same island. "But Drew... Blah Blah Blah Australia." Shut up. The population will control itself.
There you have it. A synopsis of how to clear the prison system, feed mankind's carnal desire, AND make some good old government revenue to pay the 3 trillion dollar debt we have. Jackpot.