(no subject)
I decided to start blogging again, hopefully this will help keep me organized and on the right track. I feel so lost some times, and it becomes so exhausting.
I feel a lot lately that I am stuck in some kind of standstill and that life has for the most part become routine. I pretty much sleep right up until I have to work, slack off as much as I can while I am there and then come home, well not my home, my parents home where I then fill the rest of the night watching videos or hanging out alone at the park. I know very exciting?
I never seem to know what to do; I seem to see all the options and feel like if I make a choice it’s going to be the wrong one, so why make a choice at all? I am always stuck in the middle too worried about either outcome to just pick one and go with it.
Transition
I have always thought “transition” was a thing way off in the distance. I was content on how things were going. I had the help of my girlfriend, a box full of hormones and things were moving in the right direction, but then everything started to change, and I realized that neither of us really knew what we were doing. So we pretty much halted the hormones. I had also started feeling a lot of the symptoms that come with Diabetes, but have always had a healthy fear of doctors so I just brushed everything off until February 14th when I decided to appease the growing concerns of my girlfriend and family. We went to the urgent care, hoping we’d be out in time to still go out to dinner, but that was not the case, my blood sugar was over what the meter could read and we were told that I needed to be booked into the hospital immediately. Three days later I got sent home, with the requirements to find a primary care physician and an Endocrinologist (a hormone doctor). So here I was presented with a chance to get my “transition” on a stable and healthier path. I decided this time I would be up front with everyone and give this some serious commitment. So I had some friends recommend some trans-friendly doctors; and made some appointments. So now I have been on hormones for year, and been prescribed four of those months, which is actually really exciting to think about.
I still have a lot of worries about it though. I always wanted to have a family and eventually have kids which means I need to either eventually stop taking hormones or freeze sperm, because after so long on hormones some people become sterile. I also worry about raising kids as a trans-parent. Transition is a very long process and a very selfish one. So if I decided that I want to be a parent, id have to decided whether or not I have finally reached a spot in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. I mean I am sure I am worrying about nothing and that when that time came there would be ways to get through it. I just hate how selfish lately I have become, and I keep thinking that this really isn’t me (the selfish part) but yea the whole transition process has sort of become the main focus of this era in my life. I mean I have been developing my true self for like 10 years now and I am now just getting things on track. I still need to plan some laser hair removal treatment; I have no idea what my measurements which makes it hard to get clothes that fit. I am still a huge mess, and I feel like a lot of my anxiety about it all is pushing people away, especially the purist trans-women who think that the way I handle my transition is super horrible, which ironically I seem most accepted by every day society more than I do with the transgendered community.
Roller Derby
I have had such a passion for skating ever since I used to skate for which at the time was trans-friendly. Things finally ran their course, and for a bunch of reasons I was asked to leave. This was actually fine by me because the league seemed to be having a hard time getting its self organized. I was however left with like this void that only skating could fill. Since roller derby is pretty much an all “girl” type of sport, I was left very much limited on where I could go as a trans-girl.
My luck kind of changed when I had talked to my best friend (who’s also transgendered) about it, her mom happens to skate for Tucson Roller Derby, which I look up to a lot. So she talked to the women that run the league and I was allowed to skate as a “visitor”, so now I drive about an hour and a half down and skate with their new girls. I mean it is ridiculous to do that, but I love the league and how organized it is, and I have friends there, who are totally accepting of me. The only part that sucks is that I am going to be labeled as a visitor until I can attend more regularly.
Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
I am now a Postulant (Yvonne Gelist) for the Grand Canyon Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is a nonprofit organization of drag-nuns, who go out into the GLBT community and help raise money for various underdog charities. I have always wanted to be involved with raising money and helping various communities especially the transgendered community, I just never knew that I would be called to do it this way. I am excited to see how my path with them progress. My big Sisters (Felicity N Debaucheri, and Mischief Merrymaker) are wonderful and they have me helped me so much more than Sister stuff.
I feel a lot lately that I am stuck in some kind of standstill and that life has for the most part become routine. I pretty much sleep right up until I have to work, slack off as much as I can while I am there and then come home, well not my home, my parents home where I then fill the rest of the night watching videos or hanging out alone at the park. I know very exciting?
I never seem to know what to do; I seem to see all the options and feel like if I make a choice it’s going to be the wrong one, so why make a choice at all? I am always stuck in the middle too worried about either outcome to just pick one and go with it.
Transition
I have always thought “transition” was a thing way off in the distance. I was content on how things were going. I had the help of my girlfriend, a box full of hormones and things were moving in the right direction, but then everything started to change, and I realized that neither of us really knew what we were doing. So we pretty much halted the hormones. I had also started feeling a lot of the symptoms that come with Diabetes, but have always had a healthy fear of doctors so I just brushed everything off until February 14th when I decided to appease the growing concerns of my girlfriend and family. We went to the urgent care, hoping we’d be out in time to still go out to dinner, but that was not the case, my blood sugar was over what the meter could read and we were told that I needed to be booked into the hospital immediately. Three days later I got sent home, with the requirements to find a primary care physician and an Endocrinologist (a hormone doctor). So here I was presented with a chance to get my “transition” on a stable and healthier path. I decided this time I would be up front with everyone and give this some serious commitment. So I had some friends recommend some trans-friendly doctors; and made some appointments. So now I have been on hormones for year, and been prescribed four of those months, which is actually really exciting to think about.
I still have a lot of worries about it though. I always wanted to have a family and eventually have kids which means I need to either eventually stop taking hormones or freeze sperm, because after so long on hormones some people become sterile. I also worry about raising kids as a trans-parent. Transition is a very long process and a very selfish one. So if I decided that I want to be a parent, id have to decided whether or not I have finally reached a spot in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. I mean I am sure I am worrying about nothing and that when that time came there would be ways to get through it. I just hate how selfish lately I have become, and I keep thinking that this really isn’t me (the selfish part) but yea the whole transition process has sort of become the main focus of this era in my life. I mean I have been developing my true self for like 10 years now and I am now just getting things on track. I still need to plan some laser hair removal treatment; I have no idea what my measurements which makes it hard to get clothes that fit. I am still a huge mess, and I feel like a lot of my anxiety about it all is pushing people away, especially the purist trans-women who think that the way I handle my transition is super horrible, which ironically I seem most accepted by every day society more than I do with the transgendered community.
Roller Derby
I have had such a passion for skating ever since I used to skate for which at the time was trans-friendly. Things finally ran their course, and for a bunch of reasons I was asked to leave. This was actually fine by me because the league seemed to be having a hard time getting its self organized. I was however left with like this void that only skating could fill. Since roller derby is pretty much an all “girl” type of sport, I was left very much limited on where I could go as a trans-girl.
My luck kind of changed when I had talked to my best friend (who’s also transgendered) about it, her mom happens to skate for Tucson Roller Derby, which I look up to a lot. So she talked to the women that run the league and I was allowed to skate as a “visitor”, so now I drive about an hour and a half down and skate with their new girls. I mean it is ridiculous to do that, but I love the league and how organized it is, and I have friends there, who are totally accepting of me. The only part that sucks is that I am going to be labeled as a visitor until I can attend more regularly.
Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
I am now a Postulant (Yvonne Gelist) for the Grand Canyon Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is a nonprofit organization of drag-nuns, who go out into the GLBT community and help raise money for various underdog charities. I have always wanted to be involved with raising money and helping various communities especially the transgendered community, I just never knew that I would be called to do it this way. I am excited to see how my path with them progress. My big Sisters (Felicity N Debaucheri, and Mischief Merrymaker) are wonderful and they have me helped me so much more than Sister stuff.