(no subject)
okay, so i haven't posted anything for a long time. and i thought i should say hello.
i had a really bizarre experience today [bizarre, mainly because it really caught me off-guard]. so i worked earlier in the day and went home to practice the piano before my lesson. i left home @ around 6 to pick up a check from my mom to give to the teach, and traffic was AWFUL. it got me frustrated very easily, and so when i arrived to where my mom was working at 6:30 (when my lesson was supposed to start), i realized that i'd forgotten to bring her checkbook. which was dumb. all the way to my lesson i was complaining about how stupid and pointless it was having a lesson tonight since i wasn't really ready for it. i drive back to where my mom is, and have to run an errand for her. i return by 8:30, and i'm absolutely starving. and completely frustrated. my sister and i go to PCC for dinner. we parked, and as i was walking in, a woman was walking too close behind me and for a moment i almost thought i was going to slap her on the face. now i'm not exactly a violent person, so this was a little unsettling. am i that passive aggressive? what got me was the swiftness with which my mind made a decision and then (just barely? i'm not sure, and that's what bothers me so much) cancelled it. i don't know. i'm not getting enough sleep.
completely different topic: sometimes i think my life is a distraction from itself - that with everything i do, i'm trying to build over what i already have. i still love music and writing, but both of these endeavors seem a bit ... empty. how do i describe to somebody why it is that i'm only interested in writing classical music? i don't have an answer to that. why are you studying music? do you perform? that's the best question to get my thinking with. what good is it if i write music all day, and can never bring it to an audience on my own? is that genuine art, just hoping that putting something on paper is enough? (and by genuine art, i'm not questioning whether it's art or not, but if it's worth creating in the first place.) i don't know if i have a purpose to my music. what am i doing with it? i can come up with answers to these questions, but they're not so convincing. on the other hand, every day i feel this burden to create something, to share a thought (an unimportant bit of melody/harmony, an image, a feeling, anything) - and if i don't write something down, it bothers me. builds up slowly. the same when i do get around to writing things down (the stress, the anxiety of it being imperfect).
another idea: am i too sincere? too naïve (and not in some uses of the word - closer to ... optimistic ... )? sometimes i think i'm so infantile, just beginning to open my eyes. and i see the success of people just older than me, and it frightens me like nothing else.
anyway.
i had a really bizarre experience today [bizarre, mainly because it really caught me off-guard]. so i worked earlier in the day and went home to practice the piano before my lesson. i left home @ around 6 to pick up a check from my mom to give to the teach, and traffic was AWFUL. it got me frustrated very easily, and so when i arrived to where my mom was working at 6:30 (when my lesson was supposed to start), i realized that i'd forgotten to bring her checkbook. which was dumb. all the way to my lesson i was complaining about how stupid and pointless it was having a lesson tonight since i wasn't really ready for it. i drive back to where my mom is, and have to run an errand for her. i return by 8:30, and i'm absolutely starving. and completely frustrated. my sister and i go to PCC for dinner. we parked, and as i was walking in, a woman was walking too close behind me and for a moment i almost thought i was going to slap her on the face. now i'm not exactly a violent person, so this was a little unsettling. am i that passive aggressive? what got me was the swiftness with which my mind made a decision and then (just barely? i'm not sure, and that's what bothers me so much) cancelled it. i don't know. i'm not getting enough sleep.
completely different topic: sometimes i think my life is a distraction from itself - that with everything i do, i'm trying to build over what i already have. i still love music and writing, but both of these endeavors seem a bit ... empty. how do i describe to somebody why it is that i'm only interested in writing classical music? i don't have an answer to that. why are you studying music? do you perform? that's the best question to get my thinking with. what good is it if i write music all day, and can never bring it to an audience on my own? is that genuine art, just hoping that putting something on paper is enough? (and by genuine art, i'm not questioning whether it's art or not, but if it's worth creating in the first place.) i don't know if i have a purpose to my music. what am i doing with it? i can come up with answers to these questions, but they're not so convincing. on the other hand, every day i feel this burden to create something, to share a thought (an unimportant bit of melody/harmony, an image, a feeling, anything) - and if i don't write something down, it bothers me. builds up slowly. the same when i do get around to writing things down (the stress, the anxiety of it being imperfect).
another idea: am i too sincere? too naïve (and not in some uses of the word - closer to ... optimistic ... )? sometimes i think i'm so infantile, just beginning to open my eyes. and i see the success of people just older than me, and it frightens me like nothing else.
anyway.