Annoying myself
I wonder if eventually I could actually annoy myself into action? I have no one to blame for this but myself, but I'm so incredibly annoyed right now.
First of all, I haven't been sleeping enough all week. I stay up stupidly late usually doing nothing (though I've managed to do a view productive things this week too) and then I sleep later than I want and end up going to work later than I want which means I stay at work later than I want and end up with less time at home after work than I want and then I stay up too late all over again hoping I'll get something productive done, which, as I mentioned before, sometimes I actually do.
Last night I was really tired and thought about going to bed at 10:00pm, but, of course, I ended up staying up until nearly 4:00am. And it wasn't one of those "actually doing productive things" nights either. I watched crap tv that I didn't even care about. I do so long for the time when I would go weeks and even months without even turning on the tv at all.
Ok. So I'm going to this dinner party at Alan's tonight. He and his wife won (at a silent auction) dinner for six cooked at their house by a professional chef and I was one of the people they invited which made me feel totally special, of course. My point is, I've known about it for months and he told me at least a week or so ago that they were going to turn up the heat and wear shorts or whatever to match the Caribbean-style food/drink menu they'd picked out.
Unrelatedly, I bought a bunch of new underwear a few months ago which enabled me to go many, many weeks without having to do laundry and, naturally, I've done just that. I knew on Thursday that I would absolutely HAVE to do laundry today in order to have prepared what I wanted to wear tonight. But because, as previously mentioned, I stayed up stupidly late last night, I ended up sleeping until well after noon today and, even after I got up, wasted a few more hours (reading LOST theories, no less) until I had exactly enough time to do a load of laundry and take a shower and all that before I needed to leave for Alan's.
It took a few minutes to sort though the mountain of dirty laundry that had accumulated on my bedroom floor and the whole time I was thinking "I'm going to be so annoyed with myself for waiting until the last minute to do this if someone else is using both machines downstairs right now." Sure enough, as I was passing through the lobby of the building I ran into a fellow tenant who, upon seeing the basket of laundry I was carrying, informed me that she'd just put in two loads of laundry. I thought it was very considerate of her to tell me, but, just as predicted, I wanted to kick myself really hard because: Having to wait at least half an hour to start my laundry means I no longer have enough time to do laundry.
Whose fault is that? 100% MINE.
So now, because of my chronic procrastination, I'm scrambling at the last minute to find something comfortable (and clean) to wear and I still have other things to do and I'm getting all stressed out and angry and it's ALL my fault because everything, besides taking a shower, could have been done days (if not longer) ago. It sounds trivial if you just think of this one instance, but it's so sadly and accurately representative of my entire life up until now that it makes me want to shake myself and ask "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY DON'T YOU EVER LEARN??? WHY DON'T YOU EVER CHANGE???"
I think I'm readily approaching the point where I need to do a major personal overhaul or suffer some kind of dire consequence. It can't be healthy for me to set up these frustratingly stressful situations for myself over and over again.
First of all, I haven't been sleeping enough all week. I stay up stupidly late usually doing nothing (though I've managed to do a view productive things this week too) and then I sleep later than I want and end up going to work later than I want which means I stay at work later than I want and end up with less time at home after work than I want and then I stay up too late all over again hoping I'll get something productive done, which, as I mentioned before, sometimes I actually do.
Last night I was really tired and thought about going to bed at 10:00pm, but, of course, I ended up staying up until nearly 4:00am. And it wasn't one of those "actually doing productive things" nights either. I watched crap tv that I didn't even care about. I do so long for the time when I would go weeks and even months without even turning on the tv at all.
Ok. So I'm going to this dinner party at Alan's tonight. He and his wife won (at a silent auction) dinner for six cooked at their house by a professional chef and I was one of the people they invited which made me feel totally special, of course. My point is, I've known about it for months and he told me at least a week or so ago that they were going to turn up the heat and wear shorts or whatever to match the Caribbean-style food/drink menu they'd picked out.
Unrelatedly, I bought a bunch of new underwear a few months ago which enabled me to go many, many weeks without having to do laundry and, naturally, I've done just that. I knew on Thursday that I would absolutely HAVE to do laundry today in order to have prepared what I wanted to wear tonight. But because, as previously mentioned, I stayed up stupidly late last night, I ended up sleeping until well after noon today and, even after I got up, wasted a few more hours (reading LOST theories, no less) until I had exactly enough time to do a load of laundry and take a shower and all that before I needed to leave for Alan's.
It took a few minutes to sort though the mountain of dirty laundry that had accumulated on my bedroom floor and the whole time I was thinking "I'm going to be so annoyed with myself for waiting until the last minute to do this if someone else is using both machines downstairs right now." Sure enough, as I was passing through the lobby of the building I ran into a fellow tenant who, upon seeing the basket of laundry I was carrying, informed me that she'd just put in two loads of laundry. I thought it was very considerate of her to tell me, but, just as predicted, I wanted to kick myself really hard because: Having to wait at least half an hour to start my laundry means I no longer have enough time to do laundry.
Whose fault is that? 100% MINE.
So now, because of my chronic procrastination, I'm scrambling at the last minute to find something comfortable (and clean) to wear and I still have other things to do and I'm getting all stressed out and angry and it's ALL my fault because everything, besides taking a shower, could have been done days (if not longer) ago. It sounds trivial if you just think of this one instance, but it's so sadly and accurately representative of my entire life up until now that it makes me want to shake myself and ask "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY DON'T YOU EVER LEARN??? WHY DON'T YOU EVER CHANGE???"
I think I'm readily approaching the point where I need to do a major personal overhaul or suffer some kind of dire consequence. It can't be healthy for me to set up these frustratingly stressful situations for myself over and over again.