(no subject)
SOOOOO, happy christmas and such.
I'm really quite drunk after a bottle and wine, and a half a bottle of rum. but it's the only way i could deal with my mother. Her MS is progressing at an alarming rate and she is this
*holds fingers an inch apart*
close to being wheel chair bound. to be honest, the only reason i'm here today is because we can't leave her on her own. i've tried to get her to play games but she says she's too tired, i tried engaging her in conversation but she argues with every little thing i say and will not stop criticising me. she shouts and swears all the time and seems to be angry at me.
i went out for a two hour walk to get way. got to Worthing House and my feet where covered with mud. When I got home I started on the wine, which made things easier. About five isn I heated use up left overs (drunk cooking is not my best0. Mums losing the movement in her fingers so it's a bit of a mess and not much gets in, but she seemed happy enough. I need to get custom cutlery made for her, like knuckle dusters with knifes/forks attached so it does't matter if her fingers don't work (must find a welder.)
I feel like such a cunt for this, but i really wish i wasn't here. Next year will be better, I'll be at Emma new house with little Layne. My nephew is SO cute, he sat on my lap for an hour and played with my iPhone yesterday.
ha, emma asked me when i'm going to have a baby. yeah, cause thats gonna happen, ignoring the sexuality and the infertility, i'm in not kind of state to have a child. (though to be honest i have been looking at babies and thinking 'awww' recently, luckily my female organs have shut down for good, or there may be little sylvia's running around, liking batteries and slippers.)
Anyway, still won't happen. I am the forever single. I've almost excepted it. Secret sort term 'flings' aren't relationships. I've given up. And at risk of sounding like an emo from 8 years ago, my hearts not up to moving on, even after all this time. I am ruined.
Newcastle is nice. windy, but not as cold as i thought it would be. work is ok, slow then fast then slow and i tried to hang my self a while ago but other wise good and interesting. might need to go to a doctor next year, the panic attacks are getting out of hand and the sadness physically hurts.
on the up side, i don't hate my body anymore, which is a new experience. and not just 'i'm trying very hard not to hate my self' like, real, looking in the mirror and not wanting to scream like. I feel like i'm getting my body back, it's not in the grip of illness or 'recovery' (which is a different word for uncontrolled weight gain). Now i'm just me.
I now look back at old pictures of myself and i see someone different. It's odd, like for my entire teenage years, i was seeing something different in the mirror and i'm only now seeing my real face. It's nice to know i'm not a hideous freak, but sadly the damage it done.
I'm building a healthier relationship with food as well. I stopped eating my feelings (and started drinking them).
So all in all i'm between healthy recovery and dead.
Merry Christmas.
I'm really quite drunk after a bottle and wine, and a half a bottle of rum. but it's the only way i could deal with my mother. Her MS is progressing at an alarming rate and she is this
*holds fingers an inch apart*
close to being wheel chair bound. to be honest, the only reason i'm here today is because we can't leave her on her own. i've tried to get her to play games but she says she's too tired, i tried engaging her in conversation but she argues with every little thing i say and will not stop criticising me. she shouts and swears all the time and seems to be angry at me.
i went out for a two hour walk to get way. got to Worthing House and my feet where covered with mud. When I got home I started on the wine, which made things easier. About five isn I heated use up left overs (drunk cooking is not my best0. Mums losing the movement in her fingers so it's a bit of a mess and not much gets in, but she seemed happy enough. I need to get custom cutlery made for her, like knuckle dusters with knifes/forks attached so it does't matter if her fingers don't work (must find a welder.)
I feel like such a cunt for this, but i really wish i wasn't here. Next year will be better, I'll be at Emma new house with little Layne. My nephew is SO cute, he sat on my lap for an hour and played with my iPhone yesterday.
ha, emma asked me when i'm going to have a baby. yeah, cause thats gonna happen, ignoring the sexuality and the infertility, i'm in not kind of state to have a child. (though to be honest i have been looking at babies and thinking 'awww' recently, luckily my female organs have shut down for good, or there may be little sylvia's running around, liking batteries and slippers.)
Anyway, still won't happen. I am the forever single. I've almost excepted it. Secret sort term 'flings' aren't relationships. I've given up. And at risk of sounding like an emo from 8 years ago, my hearts not up to moving on, even after all this time. I am ruined.
Newcastle is nice. windy, but not as cold as i thought it would be. work is ok, slow then fast then slow and i tried to hang my self a while ago but other wise good and interesting. might need to go to a doctor next year, the panic attacks are getting out of hand and the sadness physically hurts.
on the up side, i don't hate my body anymore, which is a new experience. and not just 'i'm trying very hard not to hate my self' like, real, looking in the mirror and not wanting to scream like. I feel like i'm getting my body back, it's not in the grip of illness or 'recovery' (which is a different word for uncontrolled weight gain). Now i'm just me.
I now look back at old pictures of myself and i see someone different. It's odd, like for my entire teenage years, i was seeing something different in the mirror and i'm only now seeing my real face. It's nice to know i'm not a hideous freak, but sadly the damage it done.
I'm building a healthier relationship with food as well. I stopped eating my feelings (and started drinking them).
So all in all i'm between healthy recovery and dead.
Merry Christmas.