let's get lost
"... I don't know where I'll go now
And I don't really care who follows me there
But ill burn every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost
To find some beautiful place to get lost ... "
So much like I've done lately I sat down to write with so many things swirling around in my head, but now here I am as blank as the screen in front of me. I suppose it doesn't really help much that it's been one of those days where I simply don't want to be in my own skin. Like I'm tired and worn but not in an "I need to get some sleep" kind of way. All I know is that I'm tired of falling apart all the time, taking 2 steps forward just to fall back 20.
I could go on about completely random things ~ some of the usual blah blah that conversations typically devolve into when I'm feeling like this ...
"The new Quasi record is really good ... definitely another step away from everything leading up to 'Sword of God' but still one of my new favorites .."
"You should see Thumbsuker if you haven't yet ... they even used Elliott's version of 'Trouble' on the soundtrack, though a great film otherwise either way .."
Random stuff.
I never feel comfortable writing or really even talking to people when I'm in fragile-mode. Partly just because I've never been a 'woe-is-me' kind of person and I hate the idea of anyone percieving me in that kind of way. Not that I usually care what anyone thinks of me either way .. I am who I am and you'll either like who that is or you won't. I know I used to put too much effort into trying to be invisible for those same reasons, but then I think of how my mother is - how she would refuse to let me leave the house wearing combat boots, how she would literally act like she didnt' know who I was if I came into where she worked back when I had blue hair and a hoop in my nose. Being raised in that sort of 'omg what will the neighbors think!' kind of atmosphere can and will leave it's marks weather you realise it or not. Some people adopt that as their own concept of how you present yourself to the world, still others make a conscious choice to rebel against it. I chose that being invisible works best, or at least it had for a long time.
So yea.
The last time I wrote here I was OK, it was raining and I was happy. Then I woke up the next day and discovered that as I stepped out of bed it wasn't onto the wood floor of my bedroom, but rather onto the cold metallic surface of my rocket again. In fact I'm writing this from a seemingly stable orbit, looking down on my house and seeing that at least it's started to rain again. Who knows, perhaps things will be OK afterall.
In the meantime ...
And I don't really care who follows me there
But ill burn every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost
To find some beautiful place to get lost ... "
So much like I've done lately I sat down to write with so many things swirling around in my head, but now here I am as blank as the screen in front of me. I suppose it doesn't really help much that it's been one of those days where I simply don't want to be in my own skin. Like I'm tired and worn but not in an "I need to get some sleep" kind of way. All I know is that I'm tired of falling apart all the time, taking 2 steps forward just to fall back 20.
I could go on about completely random things ~ some of the usual blah blah that conversations typically devolve into when I'm feeling like this ...
"The new Quasi record is really good ... definitely another step away from everything leading up to 'Sword of God' but still one of my new favorites .."
"You should see Thumbsuker if you haven't yet ... they even used Elliott's version of 'Trouble' on the soundtrack, though a great film otherwise either way .."
Random stuff.
I never feel comfortable writing or really even talking to people when I'm in fragile-mode. Partly just because I've never been a 'woe-is-me' kind of person and I hate the idea of anyone percieving me in that kind of way. Not that I usually care what anyone thinks of me either way .. I am who I am and you'll either like who that is or you won't. I know I used to put too much effort into trying to be invisible for those same reasons, but then I think of how my mother is - how she would refuse to let me leave the house wearing combat boots, how she would literally act like she didnt' know who I was if I came into where she worked back when I had blue hair and a hoop in my nose. Being raised in that sort of 'omg what will the neighbors think!' kind of atmosphere can and will leave it's marks weather you realise it or not. Some people adopt that as their own concept of how you present yourself to the world, still others make a conscious choice to rebel against it. I chose that being invisible works best, or at least it had for a long time.
So yea.
The last time I wrote here I was OK, it was raining and I was happy. Then I woke up the next day and discovered that as I stepped out of bed it wasn't onto the wood floor of my bedroom, but rather onto the cold metallic surface of my rocket again. In fact I'm writing this from a seemingly stable orbit, looking down on my house and seeing that at least it's started to rain again. Who knows, perhaps things will be OK afterall.
In the meantime ...