more ...
... pointless introspective ramblings ( aka the joys of being wide awake with an over-active mind at 5am )
~ Had a long chat with B earlier, more talk about the whole 10 year thing. I guess I've just been asking myself a lot more often lately what the hell I'm doing here, or more importantly why on earth haven't I left yet ? A part of me keeps getting that overwhelming urge to just pick up and move, like NOW. I think the only thing that holds me back from doing it is that, unlike the usual urges to move that I have, for once I'm at a loss as to where I really see myself going. Not like there was ever much planning involved in prior moves, but each and every one of them 'felt' right, so I just did it. If something is keeping me here it can let go now, really. If something is keeping me from seeing where I should be going, then you can take your fingers out of my eyes now.
~ When I moved here 10 flippin years ago, I swear the moment I got out of my car I nearly got right back in it and turned around. I only stayed because Danielle was supposed to come soon after and tbh I was worried enough about her to want to be certain we would be close no matter what. A few months later after she died I think I stayed here for maybe 2 weeks and then left. If we're supposed to grow wiser as we grow older, then why I moved back here after how long knowing full well that I hated it just goes to show I failed my wisdom test.
~ Chicago was pure love / hate the 5 years I was there. The first apt. was just odd, living with M ( whom I dated for 2 years in college before she cheated on me ) and her younger sister KT. I could tell KT had a thing for me, and I nearly let things happen but I just couldn't because I thought it would be wrong with M there and our history together. Besides, when Danielle died M was the ONLY friend who was there for me, took a week off work and stayed with me for the funeral etc. You don't piss all over true friends in their own home, ex or not. Either way M and I were constantly out in clubs ~ her looking for new boys to play with and me telling her she should stop going to the same clubs with the same boy ( me ) 6 nites a week if she didn't want people to think she wasn't already with someone. Fun times though .. nothing beats going to clubs in antique pj's and slippers, or letting your roomies talk you into going out in a rubber skirt and fishnets. Then I quit my job at the Dirtiest Record Store Ever ( aka Second Hand Tunes' vinyl shop on Bway ) to tour with the Frames for a year ~ generally fun other than the fact we kept getting booked with a lot of bands I never really was into. Shows you how other people percieve your music though when booking agents in seperate parts of the country bill you with the same people. I think in a 6 month period we played with Less Than Jake, Mr. T Experience and the Queers I don't know 'how' many times. Quit music for a year or two, opened the infamous Wet Blanket Studio, which was the art gallery B, G and I ran / hosted monthly full-on parties at. We also had a band for a while , the Village Idiots though never got all that far because G joined his cruddy Tortious rip-off band with the incredibly stinky Kayle. No <3 for that boy at all ~ one of the biggest two-faced back-stabbers I've ever met and he didn't even have the decency to bathe more than once a month.
~ Portland was mostly <3, though in retrospect I should have moved a year earlier than I had when I originally intened rather than holding on to a less than worth it relationship with L, who was a reporter for one of the many Chicago papers. At this point I have no idea why I'm having this little trip down memory lane at 5:30 am so I think I'm gonna stop now. I guess I've just been trying to figure out why on earth I'm still in NC, why I still love Puddletown more than any place on earth yet have intense reservations about moving back there. Sure, the 3,000 mile drive is a bit daunting, but I know I can either A) just buy a plane ticket and be done with it , screw possessions or B) Wait until fall and just schedule shows so that I make my way west and then just stop when I reach Pdx. Maybe I'm just trying to remind myself why I 'do' love it there so much, remind myself that even though I keep waking up with that horrid feeling of "OMG what if I'm stuck living here for the rest of my life" in a cold sweat. Blah.
Sorry for the rambles to any of you who check their 'friends' page ... I know there's not been much exciting here for a while now, but who knows ... perhaps soon I'll find myself inspired to explore more of my sexuality or whatever in the wonderous realm o' LJ for your viewing / reading enjoyment.
p.s. what's up with LJ deciding my monitor is 30 feet wide when I'm typing journal entries ? Really, you don't have to triple the horizontal typing space every time OK ? Thanks.
~
~ Had a long chat with B earlier, more talk about the whole 10 year thing. I guess I've just been asking myself a lot more often lately what the hell I'm doing here, or more importantly why on earth haven't I left yet ? A part of me keeps getting that overwhelming urge to just pick up and move, like NOW. I think the only thing that holds me back from doing it is that, unlike the usual urges to move that I have, for once I'm at a loss as to where I really see myself going. Not like there was ever much planning involved in prior moves, but each and every one of them 'felt' right, so I just did it. If something is keeping me here it can let go now, really. If something is keeping me from seeing where I should be going, then you can take your fingers out of my eyes now.
~ When I moved here 10 flippin years ago, I swear the moment I got out of my car I nearly got right back in it and turned around. I only stayed because Danielle was supposed to come soon after and tbh I was worried enough about her to want to be certain we would be close no matter what. A few months later after she died I think I stayed here for maybe 2 weeks and then left. If we're supposed to grow wiser as we grow older, then why I moved back here after how long knowing full well that I hated it just goes to show I failed my wisdom test.
~ Chicago was pure love / hate the 5 years I was there. The first apt. was just odd, living with M ( whom I dated for 2 years in college before she cheated on me ) and her younger sister KT. I could tell KT had a thing for me, and I nearly let things happen but I just couldn't because I thought it would be wrong with M there and our history together. Besides, when Danielle died M was the ONLY friend who was there for me, took a week off work and stayed with me for the funeral etc. You don't piss all over true friends in their own home, ex or not. Either way M and I were constantly out in clubs ~ her looking for new boys to play with and me telling her she should stop going to the same clubs with the same boy ( me ) 6 nites a week if she didn't want people to think she wasn't already with someone. Fun times though .. nothing beats going to clubs in antique pj's and slippers, or letting your roomies talk you into going out in a rubber skirt and fishnets. Then I quit my job at the Dirtiest Record Store Ever ( aka Second Hand Tunes' vinyl shop on Bway ) to tour with the Frames for a year ~ generally fun other than the fact we kept getting booked with a lot of bands I never really was into. Shows you how other people percieve your music though when booking agents in seperate parts of the country bill you with the same people. I think in a 6 month period we played with Less Than Jake, Mr. T Experience and the Queers I don't know 'how' many times. Quit music for a year or two, opened the infamous Wet Blanket Studio, which was the art gallery B, G and I ran / hosted monthly full-on parties at. We also had a band for a while , the Village Idiots though never got all that far because G joined his cruddy Tortious rip-off band with the incredibly stinky Kayle. No <3 for that boy at all ~ one of the biggest two-faced back-stabbers I've ever met and he didn't even have the decency to bathe more than once a month.
~ Portland was mostly <3, though in retrospect I should have moved a year earlier than I had when I originally intened rather than holding on to a less than worth it relationship with L, who was a reporter for one of the many Chicago papers. At this point I have no idea why I'm having this little trip down memory lane at 5:30 am so I think I'm gonna stop now. I guess I've just been trying to figure out why on earth I'm still in NC, why I still love Puddletown more than any place on earth yet have intense reservations about moving back there. Sure, the 3,000 mile drive is a bit daunting, but I know I can either A) just buy a plane ticket and be done with it , screw possessions or B) Wait until fall and just schedule shows so that I make my way west and then just stop when I reach Pdx. Maybe I'm just trying to remind myself why I 'do' love it there so much, remind myself that even though I keep waking up with that horrid feeling of "OMG what if I'm stuck living here for the rest of my life" in a cold sweat. Blah.
Sorry for the rambles to any of you who check their 'friends' page ... I know there's not been much exciting here for a while now, but who knows ... perhaps soon I'll find myself inspired to explore more of my sexuality or whatever in the wonderous realm o' LJ for your viewing / reading enjoyment.
p.s. what's up with LJ deciding my monitor is 30 feet wide when I'm typing journal entries ? Really, you don't have to triple the horizontal typing space every time OK ? Thanks.
~