UGG...LIFE
So I haven't written in a while but things have been quite chaotic in my life and in my mind. I think I have come to the conclusion that I am just gonna cut people out of my life. There aren't any sincere ones in my life and then the ones that are I am not close to. I miss my family because they seem to be the only people that are really there for me. They are the only ones that will always be there for me. No matter what goes on and what kind of fights we get into they are always there for me. I am no longer talking to Junaid anymore. Well at least not like the way we have. He disrespected me badly the other day and I went off and ever since then I have really realized that no matter what happens and how close this person can be to you...they can be gone in a heartbeat. I hate that. I am so unsatisfied with life right now I just wish it would end soon. I was with Amir last night and it was raining soo hard and I caught myself pretty much praying for his car to go out of control. I just don't want to live the life I am living anymore. I am sick of being lonely and I am sick of being scared and I am sick of holding myself back infront of people. I am who I am and they can deal with it. Like me or not I don't care. But that's the thing I do care. I have a really bad reaction to rejection. I hate it! I have found myself crying everynight since Junaid left because I just feel this great loss and rejection. I miss him terribly and I wish it could work out but it doesn't seem possible. And maybe this argument will solve things. Things will come to an end that I don't want and after time I will heal. I felt like cutting so bad and I almost did. Sometimes I just want to slice something open. I just want to see the blood and know that there is all of my pain concentrated in one place and as soon as it is done bleeding it will heal and everything will be ok. But the scar will remain to remind me of what I have done. It's fucked up thinking, I know but it helps me...some people take drugs, some people have people to talk to, and some people just cut themselves like the thanksgiving turkey. But I am hoping that if I just cut everyone out of my life and stick to myself then no one can hurt me. And if I sleep then the days will go by faster. I want to get away soo bad. I want to go some place where I can enjoy the nature around me. Where I can see the trees and new trees just growing. Where I can see the water flowing and hear it's beautiful sound. I just want to get away! So now my goal is to get through the rest of this semester and then go home and maybe never come back. So if I just push the people away I don't have anyone bothering me. I will be able to think more clearly because I won't have other people's shit in my head. It's gonna be about me and only me for a while. I am just gonna get my shit done and not follow other people's schedules. If someone wants to hang out I am busy. I am not going to hang out with anyone anymore, I am not going to barely talk to people only to get me by. A hello and a good bye will do nicely and if they start talking about some shit yeah yeah yeah. That's so much more simple. And I only have 6 weeks and then I will be home. But I am gonna go back to sleep after all I have only been up for an hour. HAHA! NIGHT!