alone... distant
been awhile
a year chock full of death
many expected, many more unexpected
a part of life, for some so avoidable, and some who ask so much for it they take it themselves
seems that this time in our history, for some reason, holds so much tragedy, struggle, heartache and challenges
my latest experience with death hit closer to home than all of those before it recently
I sit with my cat Chubby, wrapped in a blanket full of love, before me lying beneath my altar with a single candle burning, celebrating (and mourning immensely) his wonderful life, friendship, companionship and unconditional love
I have had Chubby since I was a naive 18 year old, fresh out of high school. He was one of few who knew me before I was Schmid-E. At the time I got him he barely fit in my hand and only attained the name Chubbs or Chubby by default (much as I attainded Schmid-E by default). I first named him Pink, for my newfound beloved Pink Floyd. That didn't stick at all (the name Pink, NOT my love for Pink Floyd :-)) and the universe had other ideas.
He had his stories, as many (and probably better) than mine.
Thought I'd lost him at the ripe young age of 3. We had a friend who decided to pass out in our ghetto bathroom on the late Lowry Airforce Base (long before it became the newskool highlands ranch) on his 21st birthday with the window open in January. It was a bitter winter that year, many nights below zero and after a few weeks once I'd posted signs and knowing a fox lived in our neighborhood, I'd pretty much written him off.
But no again, the universe had other plans, he had balls of steel (or ice) and survived over a month that winter coming back to mock me and snuggle again in bed. Chubby that time had gone from about 18 pounds to about 3. I nursed him back to health and he survived many more crazy times, trips, homes (213) and other wacky animals (and humans) he shared his life with.
Seems the name the world gave him, was the antithesis of him then and at the end.
The Boy (as we lovingly refer to him) ain't been doing so well for a while. After taking him to the vet a few weeks back (as he'd lost alot of weight and wouldn't eat much), they couldn't find anything wrong, their only offer was many more tests (seen my mom, been there, and done that), we decided to bring him home and see how he did. Possibly put him down on his own terms (if need be). Other than not eating much, he was still happy as a clam, getting around fine, purring all the time, snuggling a ton and more often than not just taking his time doing his same routine.
As the days went on I knew more and more his time was coming but still hoping for the life and playfulness to return to him. We decided to hold off putting him down, as he was still happy and I know how I'd like to spend my last days if I had a say. Chilling and snuggling with those I love the most, knowing the pain would end and that I was loved.
He crawled under the blankets one last time with me tonight, as I caressed him, first purring with all his might and then collapsing and frozen as I held him beginning to cry. Knowing what was happening I tried to speak to Keli to let her know but my breath was engulfed in tears and shakes. He stood one more time jumping out of the covers letting out one painful moan and onto the floor taking a few steps under the bed. I followed him to the floor never letting him go after, always having a gentle hand on him to let him know he was not alone. His last breaths he struggled to grasp and his eyes widening looking straight into mine. With every harder breath he drew, my concern and cries grew louder, only hoping he would not have to endure this pain for any length of time.
And then it was over.
I share this because it's all I can do. I've dug his grave as deep as I can in my yard without banging rock (that will happen tomorrow) but figured at 3 am and a trying year behind me already, the last thing I need is a night in jail to top this night off.
I also share this with hope.
Hope that everyone can have a friend with the same amount of compassion and non-judgement. That can be there for you the way he was for me so many nights when times were rough and there didn't seem to be an answer in the world.
Or maybe you can be that to someone.
Love,
S
a year chock full of death
many expected, many more unexpected
a part of life, for some so avoidable, and some who ask so much for it they take it themselves
seems that this time in our history, for some reason, holds so much tragedy, struggle, heartache and challenges
my latest experience with death hit closer to home than all of those before it recently
I sit with my cat Chubby, wrapped in a blanket full of love, before me lying beneath my altar with a single candle burning, celebrating (and mourning immensely) his wonderful life, friendship, companionship and unconditional love
I have had Chubby since I was a naive 18 year old, fresh out of high school. He was one of few who knew me before I was Schmid-E. At the time I got him he barely fit in my hand and only attained the name Chubbs or Chubby by default (much as I attainded Schmid-E by default). I first named him Pink, for my newfound beloved Pink Floyd. That didn't stick at all (the name Pink, NOT my love for Pink Floyd :-)) and the universe had other ideas.
He had his stories, as many (and probably better) than mine.
Thought I'd lost him at the ripe young age of 3. We had a friend who decided to pass out in our ghetto bathroom on the late Lowry Airforce Base (long before it became the newskool highlands ranch) on his 21st birthday with the window open in January. It was a bitter winter that year, many nights below zero and after a few weeks once I'd posted signs and knowing a fox lived in our neighborhood, I'd pretty much written him off.
But no again, the universe had other plans, he had balls of steel (or ice) and survived over a month that winter coming back to mock me and snuggle again in bed. Chubby that time had gone from about 18 pounds to about 3. I nursed him back to health and he survived many more crazy times, trips, homes (213) and other wacky animals (and humans) he shared his life with.
Seems the name the world gave him, was the antithesis of him then and at the end.
The Boy (as we lovingly refer to him) ain't been doing so well for a while. After taking him to the vet a few weeks back (as he'd lost alot of weight and wouldn't eat much), they couldn't find anything wrong, their only offer was many more tests (seen my mom, been there, and done that), we decided to bring him home and see how he did. Possibly put him down on his own terms (if need be). Other than not eating much, he was still happy as a clam, getting around fine, purring all the time, snuggling a ton and more often than not just taking his time doing his same routine.
As the days went on I knew more and more his time was coming but still hoping for the life and playfulness to return to him. We decided to hold off putting him down, as he was still happy and I know how I'd like to spend my last days if I had a say. Chilling and snuggling with those I love the most, knowing the pain would end and that I was loved.
He crawled under the blankets one last time with me tonight, as I caressed him, first purring with all his might and then collapsing and frozen as I held him beginning to cry. Knowing what was happening I tried to speak to Keli to let her know but my breath was engulfed in tears and shakes. He stood one more time jumping out of the covers letting out one painful moan and onto the floor taking a few steps under the bed. I followed him to the floor never letting him go after, always having a gentle hand on him to let him know he was not alone. His last breaths he struggled to grasp and his eyes widening looking straight into mine. With every harder breath he drew, my concern and cries grew louder, only hoping he would not have to endure this pain for any length of time.
And then it was over.
I share this because it's all I can do. I've dug his grave as deep as I can in my yard without banging rock (that will happen tomorrow) but figured at 3 am and a trying year behind me already, the last thing I need is a night in jail to top this night off.
I also share this with hope.
Hope that everyone can have a friend with the same amount of compassion and non-judgement. That can be there for you the way he was for me so many nights when times were rough and there didn't seem to be an answer in the world.
Or maybe you can be that to someone.
Love,
S