it's getting close
Her birthday is comming up. My mothers that is, she would have been 39 years old this year. January 28th this sunday... I feel so depressed so pained... i can't sleep that well anymore i think i even had a panick attack last night in my sleep i couldn't explain it any other way.. i wake up out of a dead sleep spaz i take off my necklace cuz i thought i was choking and took my pillow (body pillow i folded) or rather ripped it out and held on to it for dear life i finally calmed down and went right back to sleep but i kept waking up randomly :( o_O' i woke up and finally got out of bed and stayed out of bed at 12 and walked around to help my breathing get back to normal....
I havn't had this dream in years why does it come back now?? I'm four and hiding in a narrow space between buildings.. I am cold shaking and i look down at the cuts and burses all over my body i start crying.. If anyone would have looked at me i would look like a normal child from a far but if they were to prehaps look in to my eyes then they would see an aged tortured soul.... But i start to cry knowing that he might find me agian like he always would and when he would he would do that snide smile and take me home and hurt me again.. i know all this It starts to rain and it is stinging my eyes and skin... I feel fear trickle down my spine as i get up and run.. run to the only place i ever smiled.. the park, the park that is surrounded by ten miles of woods.... I get there panting my chest hurting from running so hard in the dense rain....i see head lights pull up into the park.. his voice hits me as hard as his fist do.. "come back to daddy and get warm my little girl" I run, run as fast as my little feet could take me... i hear him cursing behind me as i run right in to the woods.. I fall and trip over branches and bushes but it doesn't stop me... i hear him calling out my name... Your not my father is all i can think to myself.... I trip and fall into hole. Big enough for me to hide i think if i wrap myself up... I start pulling mud and leaves and sticks to help cover me.... I lay there still... waiting.. fear spreading through me... i hold back my tears for fear he would hear me.... I feel his foot step down close to me... I freeze... Then just as he is about to step on me .........
I wake up
I wake up sweating shaking and scared... I know i'm not that little girl anymore i can defend myslef now... but still i get scared.. it's even worse knowing my mother who wouldn't have been even fourty is not here the supposed one person to love you and hold you when you need it is not here she is not here to say everything ill be okay i love you and don't worry.... i am scared sometimes about my dreams when i was younger i would refuse to sleep for i didn't know what i would see... if i would see death... pain... tears... on a rare occasion i would dream something positive and blissful only to be followed by a hated demonic dream.. now that i'm older they have gotten better and worse but i treasure the good and try to push past all the pain and evil.... but yet i'm still scared of falling alseep.. thats why i would always wait to go to bed whenever i was around people i would always love to fall asleep with them.. it became a habit lol and now i only do with her i couldn't care less with anyone else... weird to say when iwas around her i felt comfort and peace and loved in my sleep there for slept easier now i need to learn to sleep well and easy on my own.. i'm getting better at it and yes stress doesn't help the situation it actually makes me sleep less lol but i'm getting better and looking forward to sleep now.... well i will talk more later you siad write a letter so far this is what i can say....
I havn't had this dream in years why does it come back now?? I'm four and hiding in a narrow space between buildings.. I am cold shaking and i look down at the cuts and burses all over my body i start crying.. If anyone would have looked at me i would look like a normal child from a far but if they were to prehaps look in to my eyes then they would see an aged tortured soul.... But i start to cry knowing that he might find me agian like he always would and when he would he would do that snide smile and take me home and hurt me again.. i know all this It starts to rain and it is stinging my eyes and skin... I feel fear trickle down my spine as i get up and run.. run to the only place i ever smiled.. the park, the park that is surrounded by ten miles of woods.... I get there panting my chest hurting from running so hard in the dense rain....i see head lights pull up into the park.. his voice hits me as hard as his fist do.. "come back to daddy and get warm my little girl" I run, run as fast as my little feet could take me... i hear him cursing behind me as i run right in to the woods.. I fall and trip over branches and bushes but it doesn't stop me... i hear him calling out my name... Your not my father is all i can think to myself.... I trip and fall into hole. Big enough for me to hide i think if i wrap myself up... I start pulling mud and leaves and sticks to help cover me.... I lay there still... waiting.. fear spreading through me... i hold back my tears for fear he would hear me.... I feel his foot step down close to me... I freeze... Then just as he is about to step on me .........
I wake up
I wake up sweating shaking and scared... I know i'm not that little girl anymore i can defend myslef now... but still i get scared.. it's even worse knowing my mother who wouldn't have been even fourty is not here the supposed one person to love you and hold you when you need it is not here she is not here to say everything ill be okay i love you and don't worry.... i am scared sometimes about my dreams when i was younger i would refuse to sleep for i didn't know what i would see... if i would see death... pain... tears... on a rare occasion i would dream something positive and blissful only to be followed by a hated demonic dream.. now that i'm older they have gotten better and worse but i treasure the good and try to push past all the pain and evil.... but yet i'm still scared of falling alseep.. thats why i would always wait to go to bed whenever i was around people i would always love to fall asleep with them.. it became a habit lol and now i only do with her i couldn't care less with anyone else... weird to say when iwas around her i felt comfort and peace and loved in my sleep there for slept easier now i need to learn to sleep well and easy on my own.. i'm getting better at it and yes stress doesn't help the situation it actually makes me sleep less lol but i'm getting better and looking forward to sleep now.... well i will talk more later you siad write a letter so far this is what i can say....