Xenophobe's Guide to the Germans - Ch. 5, Manners
*hit-and-run update* XD
Manners
German manners are somewhat on the robust side. Don’t expect an apology if somebody knocks into you on the pavement; what you’ll get is a withering look for having had the selfishness and inconsideration to get in the way.
The withering look, a German speciality which you can observe children practising even in Kindergarten, is frequently accompanied by a muttered remark questioning the state of your mental well being. It is a German quirk that these remarks are always couched in the formal ‘Sie’, never in the informal ‘du’.
Even when he or she has elbowed you out of the way, trodden on your feet, glared at you and is calling you a moron without the sense of a dead dachshund, a German will always address you as ‘Sie’. It would be unforgivably rude to do otherwise.
Right to Wrong
You may on occasion be pulled up short by German bluntness and directness. The Germans are constitutionally unable to admit to being in the wrong or having made a mistake.
With their unshakable conviction that there is a right answer to everything, they have a difficulty with shades of opinion. They will unhesitatingly express their disagreement in terms of your being wrong. Not, “I don’t think you’re right about that”, but “That is false!”
If they don’t like something, expect to be told so in no uncertain terms. Sparing other people’s feelings is quite unnecessary since feelings are a private matter and have no business in public. While the English will engage in a form of agile verbal sparring, the Germans expect you to state your wishes clearly and directly, to use language at its face value. The Germans say what they mean and mean what they say:
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes, I do.”
Queuing
The Germans are not great ones for queuing. At bus stops they won’t entertain the idea on principle. It doesn’t make the bus go any faster, and it doesn’t help you get a seat, since this is down to the efficient use of elbows and withering looks.
In supermarkets they will queue, but grudgingly and only because there isn’t any choice. In other shops, it is a matter of fine judgment. Queue-jumping might cause unpleasantness if the person you’re planning to displace is in a hurry or pushing a pram or over sixty, but otherwise it’s open season.
This rather chaotic approach seems out of keeping with the demands of Ordnung. And so it is. It appears that because shops and bus stops occupy an ambiguous position in the public/private divide, they are felt to present opportunities for free expression of the self. In the works canteen, the queue will have military precision.
Greetings
The Germans will shake hands at the drop of a hat. Hand-shaking is an unavoidable fact of life, and you will do well to reconcile yourself to pumping the flesh on all occasions. You must shake hands on meeting, on parting, on arriving, on leaving, on agreeing something, and on agreeing to disagree.
The Germans believe in the firm handshake which, done properly, should dislocate at least half a dozen of the smaller bones. It is considered a sign of friendliness to hold the hand for extended periods. If someone is crushing your hand in a vice-like [sic] grip and won’t let go even as stars dance before your eyes and you feel your life-blood ebb, this simply means that they like you.
On the telephone, the Germans normally answer by stating their names. It’s a nominal substitution for handshaking.
Formal and Informal: Sie-ing and Du-ing
The formal rules of etiquette are simple. When meeting someone for the first time, address them as ‘Sie’ and continue to do so until the informal ‘du’ becomes absolutely unavoidable (for example while sharing the post-coital cigarette and enquiring politely about earth-movements, etc.). A general guideline is that when you move on to first name terms, ‘du’ becomes appropriate.
Social context will offer guidance: in business, never deviate from the formal. The Germans will remain on ‘Sie’ terms with colleagues even after decades of sharing an office, and a boss calling his secretary by her first name will be universally suspected of having an affair with her.
In other contexts, informality may be the rule: when attending radical student functions, go for ‘du’ even with perfect strangers to avoid accusations of bourgeois reaction.
German reluctance to move on to the informal level reflects how Ernsthaft a matter friendship is. Some Germans accomplish the transition by stages. To begin with, you will be addressed as Herr or Frau X. Later, should you discover sporting or other interests in common, and perhaps a mutual acquaintance or two, you may be addressed by your full name: ‘So, Frank/Francine Jenkins, I am very pleased to see you once more…’ Finally, after many months or years, you will move to first name terms, and ‘du’ will ensue.
A variation on this, which should not cause alarm, is if you are called exclusively by your surname, ‘Ach Jenkins, my old Freund!’ It is essentially the same thing.
A distinct difference between English and German social life is the absence of petty hypocrisy. It is not good form to pretend to like someone for the sake of making a sale or gaining an advantage.
The strict separation of the public from the private provides a guarantee that in private the Germans are open and sincere. They may lack polite cushioning phrases, seeing them as a waste of language, and keep their distance from strangers and acquaintances much longer than the English, but when you cross the Hellespont of the ‘du’ it means that all reservations are gone and you have made a friend for life.
Manners
German manners are somewhat on the robust side. Don’t expect an apology if somebody knocks into you on the pavement; what you’ll get is a withering look for having had the selfishness and inconsideration to get in the way.
The withering look, a German speciality which you can observe children practising even in Kindergarten, is frequently accompanied by a muttered remark questioning the state of your mental well being. It is a German quirk that these remarks are always couched in the formal ‘Sie’, never in the informal ‘du’.
Even when he or she has elbowed you out of the way, trodden on your feet, glared at you and is calling you a moron without the sense of a dead dachshund, a German will always address you as ‘Sie’. It would be unforgivably rude to do otherwise.
Right to Wrong
You may on occasion be pulled up short by German bluntness and directness. The Germans are constitutionally unable to admit to being in the wrong or having made a mistake.
With their unshakable conviction that there is a right answer to everything, they have a difficulty with shades of opinion. They will unhesitatingly express their disagreement in terms of your being wrong. Not, “I don’t think you’re right about that”, but “That is false!”
If they don’t like something, expect to be told so in no uncertain terms. Sparing other people’s feelings is quite unnecessary since feelings are a private matter and have no business in public. While the English will engage in a form of agile verbal sparring, the Germans expect you to state your wishes clearly and directly, to use language at its face value. The Germans say what they mean and mean what they say:
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes, I do.”
Queuing
The Germans are not great ones for queuing. At bus stops they won’t entertain the idea on principle. It doesn’t make the bus go any faster, and it doesn’t help you get a seat, since this is down to the efficient use of elbows and withering looks.
In supermarkets they will queue, but grudgingly and only because there isn’t any choice. In other shops, it is a matter of fine judgment. Queue-jumping might cause unpleasantness if the person you’re planning to displace is in a hurry or pushing a pram or over sixty, but otherwise it’s open season.
This rather chaotic approach seems out of keeping with the demands of Ordnung. And so it is. It appears that because shops and bus stops occupy an ambiguous position in the public/private divide, they are felt to present opportunities for free expression of the self. In the works canteen, the queue will have military precision.
Greetings
The Germans will shake hands at the drop of a hat. Hand-shaking is an unavoidable fact of life, and you will do well to reconcile yourself to pumping the flesh on all occasions. You must shake hands on meeting, on parting, on arriving, on leaving, on agreeing something, and on agreeing to disagree.
The Germans believe in the firm handshake which, done properly, should dislocate at least half a dozen of the smaller bones. It is considered a sign of friendliness to hold the hand for extended periods. If someone is crushing your hand in a vice-like [sic] grip and won’t let go even as stars dance before your eyes and you feel your life-blood ebb, this simply means that they like you.
On the telephone, the Germans normally answer by stating their names. It’s a nominal substitution for handshaking.
Formal and Informal: Sie-ing and Du-ing
The formal rules of etiquette are simple. When meeting someone for the first time, address them as ‘Sie’ and continue to do so until the informal ‘du’ becomes absolutely unavoidable (for example while sharing the post-coital cigarette and enquiring politely about earth-movements, etc.). A general guideline is that when you move on to first name terms, ‘du’ becomes appropriate.
Social context will offer guidance: in business, never deviate from the formal. The Germans will remain on ‘Sie’ terms with colleagues even after decades of sharing an office, and a boss calling his secretary by her first name will be universally suspected of having an affair with her.
In other contexts, informality may be the rule: when attending radical student functions, go for ‘du’ even with perfect strangers to avoid accusations of bourgeois reaction.
German reluctance to move on to the informal level reflects how Ernsthaft a matter friendship is. Some Germans accomplish the transition by stages. To begin with, you will be addressed as Herr or Frau X. Later, should you discover sporting or other interests in common, and perhaps a mutual acquaintance or two, you may be addressed by your full name: ‘So, Frank/Francine Jenkins, I am very pleased to see you once more…’ Finally, after many months or years, you will move to first name terms, and ‘du’ will ensue.
A variation on this, which should not cause alarm, is if you are called exclusively by your surname, ‘Ach Jenkins, my old Freund!’ It is essentially the same thing.
A distinct difference between English and German social life is the absence of petty hypocrisy. It is not good form to pretend to like someone for the sake of making a sale or gaining an advantage.
The strict separation of the public from the private provides a guarantee that in private the Germans are open and sincere. They may lack polite cushioning phrases, seeing them as a waste of language, and keep their distance from strangers and acquaintances much longer than the English, but when you cross the Hellespont of the ‘du’ it means that all reservations are gone and you have made a friend for life.