Book Six - Story 10, Part 1 - Glass Target
I don’t think any other story underscores the love/hate relationship Eroica has with the Major better than this one. For the first time, the Major gets hit with full blown retaliation from Dorian, reciprocal retribution be damned. Their antics are like a sibling rivalry from hell. Let the war between the Major and the Earl begin!
BOOK SIX
Story 10 Part 1
GLASS TARGET
Typos… Well, actually, this is more improper word use.
Page 135 - It contained a photo of you in a rather-shall we say-uncompromising[1] situation.
[1] The correct word is compromising, which means: to expose to suspicion or loss of reputation.
Page 166 - He would look as though[2] a king should.
[2] It appears that the translators used “as though” in the place of “like,” which works in some comparisons, but not others. Here, for instance.
- - - - - - - - - - Comments, observations, and gripes - - - - - - - - - -
--> Page 56 - Mr. James’ pajamas and robe have the same herringbone pattern as his suits, which seem to be the only article of clothing his owns without patches.
--> Page 61 - The news report refers to Queen Elizabeth II as “Her royal highness,” which is incorrect. The monarch is “her royal majesty,” not highness.
--> Page 61 - The news report goes on, referring to the crown as “the English Royal crown.” The fan translation calls it the crown of Queen Victoria. In point of fact, it is “the Imperial State Crown.” None of the British Crown Jewels are permitted to leave the country “on loan,” or any other way. But whoever said that Eroica was in our reality?
--> Page 69 - The woman the Chief ogles bumps into the Major when exiting the elevator. Afterward, he brushes off his coat where she touched him. Is he afraid of women cooties?
--> Page 73 - Before entering the Director’s office, the Major takes off his coat, putting it over his right arm. It seems to have vanished when he pulls his gun. Did he drop it on the floor? Not only is he a dead shot, he’s also a pretty quick draw.
--> Page 74 - SIS Agent and James Bond wannabe Charles Lawrence makes his first appearance-and one more lunatic is added to the asylum surrounding the Major. One has to suspect that Lawrence was briefed on Iron Klaus beforehand because he knows who the Major is before he even introduces himself.
--> Page 75 - Lawrence is served a proper English tea in ornate china-warmed cup and all-on a tray. (I have a mirrored one just like it. The filigree around the edge is gold.) The Major has “premium” instant coffee in a plain cup with NATO printed on it. ;-D
--> Page 76 - The Major’s matches have NATO BARBER on them. Lawrence’s lighter has SIS engraved on it. So much for being a “secret” agent.
--> Page 76 - The Major’s thoughtful expression as he puzzles over Lawrence is identical to the expression Lawrence gets as he rambles on about taking time to smell the roses. (page 115)
--> Page 83 - All the opposing Intelligence communities coming together in a joint venture to get Eroica into a war zone. When successful, they pass along one phrase. “He bought it.” Ending with the snickering Major. Pure gold!
--> Page 85 - The spy watching Dorian is holding a newspaper with “EXCITING TIMES” as a headline. Exciting indeed.
--> Page 106 - The Major’s dialogue after his calm comment that it is too late-and those that follow-is a garbled mess and completely out of sequence.
Thank you to norwayblue_eyes for the proper sequence.
(2nd row from top, left panel)
The glass supplier: "One of our employees received an order for extremely strong glass. And, without knowing what it was, he used it."
Klaus: "Without knowing? Were it that simple! A top secret material was used for a showcase of all things!"
(bottom right panel)
Klaus: "That idiot employee and his manager should be fired! Do you hear me?! Fired!"
Chief: "That's enough. What's done is done."
--> Page 108 - Note the background as the Major gives his impassioned speech about the “special” fiberglass. Is it the refracted light of knowledge? ;-D
--> Page 111 - The display case has what looks like a yawning chasm (well, at least an arm’s length) between it and the raised platform where people can walk around and gawk at it. The Major leans over to look at it. (Page 113) Then he seems to be standing right next to it when he sets off the alarm. (Page 114) Is he levitating? And by the end, it seems to have doubled in size. (Page 200)
--> Page 117 - We finally meet KGB Agent Polar Bear for the first time. (Unless the KGB agent that the Major calls Crazy Ivan in “Dramatic Spring” is the early version of the character, which I personally do not believe is the case. More on this in Part Two) Later we learn he is Mischa the Cub’s mentor. He also seems to be the most sedate of the KGB Agents who have appeared thus far. The Major was stunned when he saw Mischa the first time, but he actually seems delighted to see Polar Bear.
--> Page 130 - Dorian dresses as the Major for the first time. To quote mullenkamp, “My fandom cosplays itself.” Oh, the crack! I admit that I was totally confused, and then just as shocked as James, when Dorian pulled off his sunglasses and declared how disappointed he was. I’m still queasy at the sight of the pseudo-Major with a background of roses, though. *In the quotes, the disguised Dorian is referred to as Major Eroica.*
--> Page 135 - Dorian’s photo op with the Turkish soldier is made of win!
--> Page 136 - James’ idiotic grabbing of the bomb is reason 2,874,508,974,592 why his character annoys the hell out of me. I was hoping Dorian would leave him tied up for the rest of the story. And it has nothing to do with my bondage fetish!
--> Page 144 - The Chief cowering behind his desk after giving the Major the envelope with the compromising photograph still makes me laugh. As does his diving for cover when the Major explodes.
--> Page 150 - Shirtless Klaus. *THUD*
--> Page 152 - Dorian appears, fresh as a daisy, at the Major’s home complete with his floral background of roses. The Major, on the other hand, has what looks like a bottomless pit opening behind him.
--> Page 155 - The entire confrontation scene with the butler is pure crack! The reactions of Dorian and the Major to the butler’s act of selflessness is hilarious. The Major discovers that he has a vulnerability to acts of blind loyalty, which he has doubtless never encountered before-and probably never will again.
--> Page 162 - The background of baby Major’s behind Dorian, and the stone wall behind the shocked Bonham. Major Pampers is a bit much, even for Eroica. Good thing Bonham has a strong heart.
--> Page 168 - The dialogue in the lower panel in the center is out of order. It should be-Lawrence: “You thought I was going to badmouth you. You were just pretending to go back and trailed me instead.” Klaus: “I just got here from Bonn.”
--> Page 170 - Dorian appears in drag for the first time in the series. So much for not being inclined to cross dressing.
--> Page 174 - Polar Bear and his subordinate watch the disguised Dorian inside the Japanese pavilion. EROICA is written on the wall that Polar Bear is leaning against.
--> Page 179 - Just what does the Major whisper to Lawrence that makes him perk up and look so happy-go-lucky?
--> Page 198 - The Major can distinguish the difference between a real explosion and a recorded one. Eroica may have thrown him off his stride in some things, but he can’t take away the man’s experience or intellect. I am impressed.
- - - - - - - - - - The Quotes - - - - - - - - - -
Dorian: Tonight is the night. I shall do it in a way a blue-blooded thief should. With grace. With style. With decorum…or I should hope. (FAN: Tonight I’ve been thinking of exquisite beauty and a romance perfectly suited to an elegant, aristocratic thief.)
*This opening tickles me. Not exactly a work of art he’s stealing, is it?*
Dorian: I demand my meals be returned to my regular fare at once.
James: We don’t have any money.
Dorian: I shall no longer accept that as an excuse! (FAN: No excuses. The time is over when that line lets you get away with anything.)
James: Then how about this one? You unfaithful cheat! (FAN: Okay. I’ve got another line: Traitor!)
*Cheat. That implies… O_o I’ll stick with traitor, I think.*
James: Hell hath no fury like a man scorned! (FAN: The enmity of a man betrayed is a terrible thing!)
Dorian: You have it wrong, my dear James. Hell hath no fury like a hungry man denied! (FAN: You’re an idiot, James. The ire of the hungry is even more terrifying...)
Dorian: So there! How’s that for presence?!
*Way to go, Dorian!*
Bonham: (to James) How come the Earl be drinkin’ only water? You miserly Cretin!
Dorian: The E.C. Expo is a peaceful affair. It certainly does not fall under the Major’s jurisdiction. And, suppose we were to bump into each other, the Major will avoid me like the plague. Unfortunately. (FAN: Even if we do meet him, it’s the Major who’ll avoid us. He hates me as if I were a hairy caterpillar.)
*Um...for once, I think I prefer the CMX version.*
Dorian: You can say hello without worrying. He hates “NATO geezer.” Call him something more youthful. Like “NATO babe.”(FAN: You can say “hi” to him without fear. You’ve been calling him “The old fart from NATO” too much. Try, like... “That nice boy from NATO?!?)
Bonham: (Too shocked to speak)
Dorian: I was only joking. I can’t have you dying here. (FAN: It was only a joke, Bonham. Don’t die on me. Hang in there.)
*Poor Bonham.*
Dorian: It might not be such a bad idea to rattle the Major’s cage as well.
*Is that what you call it?*
(At the elevator)
Klaus: Don’t you want to get in? The doors are about to close.
Chief: Er... Um... I...
Klaus: Or, are you going to walk up to the fifth floor for a change? It’s be good exercise.
Chief: (thinks) Acerbic twit-as always. (FAN: What a perverse character.)
*Let the snarkage begin!*
Chief: Like I said, I was acting in your best interests with that vacation order! You could us a woman in your life! (FAN: About that special vacation! I was only showing fatherly interest in you since you don’t know any women!) *twitch*
Klaus: Well, you didn’t have to! You just acted out a sick voyeur fantasy! And besides, I’m not so inept I need your help. Don’t make a fool out of me! (FAN: Don’t tell such transparent lies! You’re just a dirty peeping Tom, is what! I’m not so useless that I have to have my boss get women for me! *cough* Stop treating me like an idiot!)
Klaus: Sir, now I know why you insist on the elevator.
Chief: See? It’s fast and convenient.
Klaus: It’s for old men like you.
*ouch*
Chief: I can really do without you being so confrontational first thing in the morning. (FAN: Don’t be so rude this early in the morning.)
*This is the Major you’re talking to.*
Chief: For a man who’s supposedly disinterested, you certainly scoped her out. (*indeed*)
Klaus: I’m in Intelligence. It’s my job to observe people.
*Of course it is, Major.*
Agent A: The Major took the elevator! And, he was with the Director!
Agent B: Maybe they were discussing top secret stuff! And look! They look very serious!
*ZOMG! The world is coming to an end!*
Chief: You may say your job is to observe people. But actually, you’re just saying that to hide your lurid tendencies. (FAN: Did you say something about what “anyone in Intelligence could observe”? Passing off your filthy thoughts as professionalism won’t do, Major.)
Klaus: Because you only looked from her breasts down. If anyone’s a dirty old man, it’s you. (FAN: You only looked below her neck. Just the materialistic lechery one expects of a middle-aged male.)
*has giggle fit*
Chief: You’ve become awfully cold after Alaska. (FAN: I bet you weren’t cold even in Alaska.)
Klaus: I’m neither cold nor unfeeling, sir. (FAN: I don’t have a cold nature-and I’m not frigid, either.)*Quick, someone tell Dorian!*
Chief: Then lighten up. All this excessive self-discipline is bad for you. (FAN: You should let yourself go more often, Klaus. Too much control is bad for the health.)
*When I read the fan translation the first time, I didn’t realize how odd it was for the Major to be called by his first name, even by his superior.*
Chief: I’ll lend you a book my wife reads every night. She says it’s good. (*Every night!?*)
Klaus: “Heidi”?
Chief: No! “Caligula.”
Klaus: I saw the movie.
Chief: You did?! And…and how was it? My wife wants to see it.
Klaus: Everyone was doing it. That says a lot about your lifestyle. (FAN: Pretty energetic. Can your home life take it, I wonder?)
*The fan version of the Major’s comments amuse me. The final cut of the movie was basically porn.*
Klaus: Why don’t you and the Mrs. go to a doctor?
Chief: I just went for a physical.
Klaus: I’m talking about a shrink.
*Which he also suggested at the breakfast conversation in “Alaskan Front.” (Book 4, page 162)*
Chief: Mocking me, again? (FAN: You despise me, don’t you, Eberbach?)
Klaus: Do I have to spell it out? You have inappropriate interest in one of my men. You drool over women. To top it all off, you’re trying to pry into my private life. I’m sick and tired of your lack of principles. (FAN: That goes without saying. You run after that drag queen in the office, you ogle women’s bodies and then you shove your nose in my private affairs. You’re disgusting.)
Klaus: You haven’t been promoted for years. So, you’ve decided to blame me.
Chief: Oh, yeah? I’ll bet you blame me for still being a major. You keep criticizing me, but you’re in the same boat as I am. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black! So, there!
Klaus: I’m the kettle. That makes you a crock.
*Snarkage round one to the Major, I think.*
Klaus: (upon seeing Lawrence) He’s napping-in that awful pose?
Lawrence: Major, what are you drinking?
Klaus: Instant coffee.
Lawrence: Do pardon me, but I would’ve expected an officer of your breeding to be much more discriminating. (FAN: I thought a top officer like you would have more particular tastes.)
Klaus: It’s a premium blend. (FAN: Nescafé Gold Blend.)
*Well, that makes all the difference.*
Lawrence: The glory days of British Intelligence are over I’m afraid. We have to tip our hats to the CIA and KGB now. A suave dashing spy? Poppycock. It’s just a story.
Klaus: (thinks) Sure, that’s what he says. Look at him. He’s a complete throwback to the past.
*I really like the Major’s expression here.*
Klaus: If it’s so valuable, just leave it home.
*Always the pragmatist.*
Klaus: I know more about Eroica than you do!
*Oh, to take that out of context! Even in context...heh.*
Klaus: Just the very thought of him makes me ill. And he’s coming here?! Not if I can help it! He’s not bringing his circus to my backyard! I won’t have him contaminating German soil with his filth!
Lawrence: He won’t show if he finds out you’re involved. (*Newbie.*)
Klaus: I’m not a guard dog! In fact, he’ll come just to irritate me.
*He’s irritating you already, Major, and he hasn’t even shown up yet.*
Klaus: Hey, “Mr. Glory Days Are Over.” Listen up. (FAN: Oi- Can I borrow a British ear once unmatched?)
Lawrence: That’s very rude of you Major. I do have my pride.
Klaus: Okay then, Mr. Casanova. (FAN: Lover boy!)
Lawrence: Yes? What can I do for you?
*has giggle fit*
Klaus: I hate Russkies. I hate Yanks. I hate Italians. But, I think I can grow to hate Brits even more because of this idiot and the Earl. I’m not gonna let that degenerate set foot in Germany. In fact, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t even get close during the Expo.
*And the Major begins the war with a pre-emptive strike.*
Bonham: I get depressed just thinkin’ we might bump into the Major.
Dorian: If you do, yell “The eternal youth of NATO,” and run away. (FAN: Just call him “Perpetual Major” and he’ll run away.) *So…who’s doing the running away here?*
Bonham: (thinks) ‘E certainly knows ‘ow to make a bad situation worse.
Bonham: There be war there, but no Major! Let’s go!
Klaus: Your operations may be going to rot and all, but your old connections are still good in spots.
Lawrence: I can certainly do without that sarcasm of yours.
Klaus: It’s a compliment. The glitter may be gone, but it’s still gold.
Lawrence: Er...
*Talk about a backhanded compliment.*
Klaus: Even the KGB were willing to help in Operation Shutdown. It’s because he is such an irritating git. He deserved it, that stupid wanker.
*Obviously he’s forgotten that Eroica is a man of pure malice.*
Klaus: You don’t know a thing about how good West German industrial products are, do you? Ours are the best in the world!
Lawrence: I hear the Japanese have the best.
Klaus: Compare them at the EC Expo and you’ll see the difference. Ours are the best.
*I love this zinger towards Japanese products from the author. This was still at the time when the majority of people thought that “Made in Japan” meant junk.*
Klaus: Can’t you do something about that gadget-loving dolt?
Chief: Who?
Klaus: That would be James Bond.
Chief: Your mission is to help him and protect the crown. That’s an order, Major.
Klaus: You crock of...
*Snarkage round two to the Chief.*
James: This is not the place to be waxing poetically. Let’s hurry up and find the treasure.
*Another pragmatist.*
Dorian: It’s a trap. Someone strung us along very carefully from England to Iraq. (. . .) This is to annoy me? (FAN: A personal vendetta.)
*Considering what is to come, I think the fan version is bang on.*
Dorian: I can think of only one person who knows me well enough to set a trap I would fall for. Plus, he dearly loves this sort of big undertaking. Yes, only one person would be evil and twisted enough to do this without second thoughts. You do know whom I am talking about? Only him. It is that nasty, nasty German! (*The one you’re in love with, right?*) Curse you for fooling me! Never double-cross a thief! I shall make you pay for this!
*And loose the dogs of war...*
Klaus: That wanker’s probably stuck in the desert right about now. Even if he caught on, it’s too late. (FAN: Right now that asshole is probably up to his nose in sand. Even if he figures out that he’s been fooled, it’s too late.)
*For someone who doesn’t want to think about the Earl, the Major seems to think about the Earl a lot.*
Lawrence: Major, I’m busy so I’ll contact you-huh? He hung up. He can be so impolite.
Chief: At least the mission will be more up your alley now. You won’t be guarding a crown but a military secret.
Klaus: It still doesn’t change the fact I’m a guard dog.
*I like the guard dog / German Shepherd analogy. Sorry, Major.*
Klaus: Nein! A tank will always be made of steel! I don’t want to even think about a fiberglass tank! It’s an abomination!
Agent A: But in the future-
Klaus: Shut up! A tank is a tank because it’s made of steel!
*They don’t understand the beauty of polished steel.*
Klaus: Why do I never get promoted? It’s because of that stupid crock of a Director and brainless idiots like them. That’s why!
*So, losing a tank, ending up with a statue instead of a KGB agent, being with Eroica when he stole the Pope, and sinking a US Navy ship has nothing to do with it, right?*
Lawrence: Keep an eye out for anyone suspicious.
Guard: That bloke! He looks mighty suspicious! (points at surveillance monitor)
Lawrence: Where? (looks) Good eye. He’s NATO.
*It was the trench coat and sunglasses that gave him away.*
Lawrence: Major, I’ve been thinking.
Klaus: About what?
*I totally read the Major’s reply as “With what?” the first time around. ;-D*
Lawrence: It’s evocative of a beautiful Anglo-Saxon maiden slumbering in the arms of a manly Germanic warrior. All very charming, is it not?
Klaus: (stunned) Er... How old are you?
*bursts out laughing*
Lawrence: Take the time to smell the roses.
Klaus: And get drilled from behind? No thanks.
*Draw your own conclusions. ;-D*
Klaus: The very thought I have to work with that space cadet for a month is depressing.
Klaus: (to Polar Bear) I know I’ve seen you somewhere before.
*Does the Major look delighted to see him because he’s the only relatively sane person around?*
Klaus: I’m the dog guarding the English crown. Woof.
Polar Bear: You? Iron Klaus, a guard dog? Har har har har. That makes for a great joke, but you can’t fool us at the KGB! (*Since when?*)
Klaus: The EC Expo is a peaceful exhibition. So, my mission is also peaceful. You can find me circling the crown daily.
Polar Bear: Maybe I’ll drop by and pat your head.
Klaus: Stick your hand out and I’ll bite.
Polar Bear: I’ll make sure I’m vaccinated against rabies first.
Polar Bear: NATO would never use him just as a guard dog. He’s an attack dog through and through. So, why an attack dog? There has to be a good reason. Watch that German Shepherd’s every move.
James: (during bombing in Iraq) Can you make me the beneficiary of your life insurance?
Bonham: You...
*Talk about mercenary!*
Dorian: Major, this time you were a tad too generous. You not only deceived me but have given me an experience of a lifetime. I thank you wholeheartedly. (. . .) You must have gone to great lengths. Your generosity demands I make returns. I, too, am a man of honor. Just you wait, Major. Just you wait.
Dorian: I shall talk to you at great lengths later. For now, though, can you see to my men?
James: Where’s the black market?
Bakchial Junior: He seems...fine.
Dorian: He is...exceptional.
*That’s one word for it.*
Dorian: (in tub) Do be so kind to take him with you. He has been leering the whole time.
(Bakchial Junior drags his father out.)
Dorian: At last, I can stretch out.
*As in “Dramatic Spring,” Dorian demonstrates that he’s a closet prude. After all, his over the top behavior keeps all but a very few away, doesn’t it?*
Dorian: Were it not for my wrath toward the Major, I doubt we would have made it. At last, I am feeling a little more human. Now then, what to do first. (FAN: Because of the Major’s persistent hatred of me, we’ve finally come to this point, but-the moment when he turns into a human is in the future.)
*Such a difference in the translations. Who is turning human? Dorian, the Major or both of them?*
Bonham: Don’t tell me you be angry with NATO too because of the Major! You don’t mean to start a war with NATO, do you? (*They started it!*)
Dorian: They were obviously involved. Still, I only mean to use them. And in my own way.
Turkish officer: But sir, it’d cause massive headaches for us.
Major Eroica: Read my lips! I don’t care!
*Again with the “Read my lips” joke. This time, it is 7 years off.*
Young soldier: Major Eberbach? Your plane’s ready.
Major Eroica: (thinks) Oh! What a sweet little thing! A Turkish version of Agent Z.
*This is not the time, Dorian!*
Dorian: I am a pro. Impersonating the Major is a piece of cake. I can copy him perfectly-from the way he talks to the way he lumbers around. The stupid wankers fell for it completely. So there! Humph! (FAN: I’m a pro. Copying the Major was child’s play. I can reproduce everything about that idiot, talk to bowlegged walk, exactly the way he does. Those dumb Turks were completely taken in. Serves them right. Hmpf.)
*Bowlegged? Because he’s so well-hung? ;-D*
Dorian: He no doubt will be disgusted, break out in goose pimples, and feel faint. It is all too irresistible, really.
*I am amused because this is exactly what happens. (Page 145)*
Dorian: As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, so does the deepest love turn to deadliest hate. Perhaps in this case, it is the deadliest of hate that becomes the deepest love. We make a good couple. He is twisted. I am bent. (FAN: I should hate him so much it’d make me sick, but I can’t go on with it. Is he a hundred times more hateful than loveable? Or a hundred times more lovable than hateful. He has a crooked soul, but I have a flexible heart to find its path.)
*Um...wow.*
Polar Bear: I’d say the attack dog is barking up the wrong tree. Hard at work I see.
Klaus: Come to pat my head, Polar Bear? (. . .) Touch it and I’ll bite.
Polar Bear: Major, I really don’t think you make a good guard dog.
Klaus: Neither do I.
Polar Bear: What’s NATO thinking?
Klaus: Ask the SIS. They asked us.
(Lawrence appears)
Klaus: Perfect. He wanted to talk to you.
Lawrence: Who is he?
Klaus: KGB.
*From his reaction, one has to wonder if Lawrence has ever encountered a KGB agent before.*
Lawrence: So who are you really?
Polar Bear: KGB.
Lawrence: He played right along. He didn’t even miss a beat. And the poise. He must be CIA.
*On second thought, has this twit ever been out of England before?*
Chief: We just received it a few hours ago. It contained a photo of you in a rather-shall we say-compromising situation. (FAN: This came special delivery. It’s got a photograph you’re not going to like.)
Klaus: What? A picture of me drunk? (*That’s the most compromising you can think of?*)
Chief: Just look at it. You’ll know what I’m talking about then. Keep an open mind when you look at it, all right? (Mmmm…you’ll see when you look at it. Take a deep breath and try to stay calm, Eberbach.)
*I love how, as he says this, the Chief takes cover behind the desk.*
Klaus: I’m disgusted. I’ve got goose bumps. My ears are ringing. I feel...faint.
*Eroica scores a direct hit! Just as he described on page 140.*
Chief: They’ve got you in a bad spot. (FAN: That’s an interest in pose, Klaus.)
*There it is again! Does he really call the Major by name in the Japanese version?*
Chief: No matter how you look at it, it looks like an officer preying on one of his men. So, Eberbach, you no longer have the right to criticize my proclivities! (FAN: Just seeing this, you could be a lecherous homo of an officer. You’re in no position to despise me, Major.)
Klaus: I don’t cuddle up to people-let alone young men-and mug it up for the camera. (FAN: I wouldn’t be showing all my teeth in a grin while I’m rubbing up against some young army type!)
*The fan version makes it sound like he prefers doing other things while rubbing up against them. O_O*
Chief: A Doppelgänger? Maybe you have a twin brother who was separated at birth. (*Now there’s a scary thought!*)
Klaus: Director, get real. It’s clearly a conspiracy to ruin me.
Chief: Any idea who? (*Just grab a phone book.*)
Klaus: Millions.
Chief: You have a lot of enemies.
*Well, the current population of the Earth is...*
Klaus: It’s bad enough some wanker pretended to be “Iron Klaus” and conned off a transport. But, it doesn’t even compare to the insult in sending that obscene photo! Whoever it was ruined my reputation and personally insulted my pride. Whoever it was. He’ll pay. He will pay!
Klaus: I don’t have a twin brother separate at birth, do I?
Butler: Good heavens, no. The Master was the only one born.
Klaus: Right.
*I would like to pause a moment to admire the Major shirtless. . . *
*He has such nice bone structure, don’t you think?*
*Awww! He got dressed. ;-(*
Klaus: The guest?
Butler: He’s breakfasting in the main dining room.
Klaus: Is it your policy to feed every guest?
*You get many guests, Major?*
Dorian: I was in Germany, so I thought I would pay you a courtesy call.
Klaus: Your idea of a courtesy call is to invite yourself to breakfast and stuff yourself?!
*I'm impressed that Dorian has the balls to turn up at the Schloss in the first place.*
Dorian: I am simply regaining a little of my weight I lost thanks to you. It was a most exhausting endeavor.
Klaus: What? You cleaned my entire castle?
Dorian: Please stop pointing that at me. I was being kind enough to notify you in advance. (FAN: I’m nice enough to give you advance warning, and you pull a gun on me. You’re heartless.)
Klaus: The only reason I didn’t blow your brains out was because I didn’t want you soiling my place any more then you already have. (FAN: Be grateful I don’t kill you right here. I’d dirty the room.)
Dorian: (holding knife on butler) Put the gun down-or else he shall get hurt.
Klaus: You wanker! That’s low!
Dorian: Low? When it comes to you and me, nothing is beneath us.
*So...you’re both on top? - Sorry*
Dorian: You must rectify that dreadful habit of pointing your gun at me every time you see me.
*Yeah! Point that other gun at him!*
Dorian: Your butler becomes rather emotional.
Butler: It would be a great honor if I died here-in your service.
Klaus: Shut up, you lunatic!
*giggles*
Butler: I have always been prepared to die for my Master!
Dorian: (thinks) Er...goodness. Now what?
*Obviously, Dorian forgot his aversion to blood until it was too late.*
Butler: Master, if I may! Your late mother-rest her soul-made me promise to take good care of you. (FAN: Your sainted mother entrusted the baby Klaus to my care and strictly charged me to watch over you.)
Klaus: (stunned) What?
Butler: I have served the Eberbachs for decades. But I have yet to show my true gratitude. (FAN: I have served the Eberbach family for decades, from your revered father’s time. How can I ever repay your trust and favor?)
Dorian: Er…
Butler: (in tears) Let me die here. Your mother in heaven would at last be happy.
Klaus: Er…
*Dear Lord, I love this scene!*
Butler: I-and even your stern father-spent countless nights singing you to sleep. I still had a thick crop of hair then…rather I was young then, so raising a child was new to me. It was very difficult. Still, you were a precocious child. You weren’t in nappies long.
*falls off chair laughing*
Butler: From the bottom of my heart-
Klaus: All right! But, don’t say another word! Say it, and you’re fired!
*The pairs’ reaction is a scream. Dorian hiding in the drapes and the Major trying not to cry while the butler sobs uncontrollably.*
Dorian: Sorry, chap. I am terrible in these situations. I never know quite what to do. (FAN: I’m not really good at these things. What should I do?)
Klaus: Consider yourself lucky. I’ve lost the will to fight, too. I’ll get you next time. (FAN: Me, too. I’ve lost my will to fight. Thank me and get out while you can. Next time, it won’t be like this.)
*Poor Major. He looks so deflated. This battle ends in a draw.*
Dorian: Then, have a good day, Major. Breakfast was marvelous, especially the yogurt. (FAN: Okay, then. So long, Major. Thanks for breakfast. The yogurt was just delish.)
Klaus: Compliments won’t get you anywhere! I’m never feeding you again. Now, get out! (FAN: I won’t let you eat if you talk in that unmanly way. Get lost.)
*The fan version makes it sound like the Major would not exactly have a problem feeding Dorian again.*
Dorian: It must be unbearable for a grown man to hear about his toilet training. Alas, even the Iron Klaus lost his composure. Still, I am rather envious of his breakfast fare. A far cry from what James serves. And, he’s eating off these terribly dear Meissen plates. (FAN: A great man like that…hearing about his diapers…it must have been intolerable. Iron Klaus was read with shame, poor guy. Even so, he laid on quite a breakfast. I’m jealous. And his tableware is Meissen, top quality.)
*Further proof, if any were needed, that the Major is wealthy.*
Klaus: (yells out window as Dorian drives off) Thief! You even ate my share, you bloody wanker! And, to top it off, you stole one of my plates!
*Note the boar statue outside.*
Klaus: Throw away everything he used!
Butler: But Meissen plates are very expensive.
Klaus: Then why didn’t you use some cheap dishes?
Butler: He insisted on Meissen.
Klaus: I can’t believe the nerve! Then disinfect them and you use them. Not my problem if you get his germs, though. (FAN: He’s absolutely shameless. Okay, disinfect the plates. You can use them. If you want to turn into a homo.)
*You’re all heart, Major.*
Klaus: That act of blind loyalty sapped my will to fight. I’d better guard against that sort of thing.
*Not likely to happen again. Don’t worry.*
Chief: Major, we have a crisis.
Klaus: I have one, too! Eroica showed up-here!
*And he ate your food and everything!*
Bonham: I still ‘ave a lotta misginin’s. The Major scares me silly.
Dorian: Apparently, the Major did not need nappies for long.
Bonham: Huh?
Dorian: Just imaging the Major in nappies. That ought to brighten your day. Pumped and primed for Major Pampers! Poetic really!
Bonham: (Stunned) Disturbing. Very. (FAN: Suddenly, I feel cold.)
*Poor Bonham. He’s not long for this world at this rate.*
Major Eroica: Now then. Major Eroica makes his grand entrance.
*I’d like to know where he got the tie that’s identical to the one the Major is wearing that day.*
Major Eroica: Ah, Agent Z. You sweet thing, you. (Pats Z) Keeping up the good work, Z?
Agent Z: (bangs head against wall)
Agent B: He’s really depressed. The Major patted him three times.
Agent A: I feel sorry for him. Alaska again? And this time permanently?
Agent G: Unfair! The Major never pats me!
Major Eroica: Just imagine Eroica wearing the crown. He would look [like] a king should. I think it would make a mesmerizing sight.
Lawrence: Are you making fun of me? You don’t have to copy my manners, you know!
Major Eroica: (thinks) Huh? What a tiring man.
*Dorian’s only just met him and he’s already got Lawrence pegged.*
Lawrence: (about Eroica) Still, he’s nothing compared to the Neo-Nazis. An attention-seeking upstart like him will be easy to catch. (FAN: Compared to the Neo-Nazis, he’s just one little thief. That tasteless nouveau riche idiot sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ll soon get him.)
Major Eroica: ! ! !
*Notice the roses plummeting around the disguised Dorian.*
Lawrence: He’s impossible. A multiple personality disorder, perhaps?
Agent B: Too many people have long hair like the Major!
Agent A: It’s because they’re slobs! (FAN: He’s let it get so long.)
Agent B: Really? The Major gets his cut once every three months. (FAN: He only goes to the barber every three months.)
Agent A: It’s just an excuse for him to nap. (FAN: And then just for a nap.)
*The Major can sleep anywhere.*
Klaus: He’s got a lot of nerve to show up just before I did. The sheer audacity! He’s clearly out to make a fool out of me!
*Gee, you think?*
Polar Bear: Is being tied up like a guard dog stressful for the attack dog? It must be hard for a man who is always on offense to be playing defense, eh, Major?
Dorian: Where’s James?
Bonham: He be blissfully attached to cheap calculators.
Polar Bear: According to comrade Mischa, his codename is “James.” He’s the West’s stingiest accountant. And, he works for Eroica.
KGB Agent: Comrade, look at that giant woman!
Polar Bear: It’s Eroica!
*Tall, but damned good-looking.*
Polar Bear: Eroica and the Major have something special between them.
*They also have differing opinions on what it is. As do all the fan!girls. ;-D*
Bonham: Let’s leave ‘im. We’ll make the estimates. We can pass the bills along to ‘im.
Dorian: (walks away) True enough.
Bonham: ‘E can cry about it, but it’d be after the fact.
*Dorian, have you been teaching Bonham how to speak James?*
Lawrence: Well, “England expects that every man will do his duty.” I suppose we can only do our best.
Klaus: Nelson’s immortal lines sound like a joke coming from you.
*Everything sounds like a joke coming from him!*
Lawrence: Major, you’re tired. You need to unwind.
Klaus: Good thing Nelson didn’t do that before Trafalgar. (FAN: Nelson is spinning in his grave.)
Klaus: If you want to unwind, then just go! I’ll keep watch!
Lawrence: You’ll still be hard at work. I can’t really. But... If you insist... I’ll take you up.
*Really had to twist his arm, didn’t you, Major?*
Klaus: It’s amazing how he can be so blissfully vacuous.
Klaus: Must be difficult to be a defender, huh? Polar Bear actually sympathizes with what I’m going through. (FAN: Keeping watch. From time to time, the Polar Bear actually says something intelligent.
*Aww, poor baby. I so want to hold him.*
Polar Bear: The attack dog is still barking at the moon.
Klaus: Me?! In a nightclub?! Being friendly with women?!
*The Major’s shocked expression speaks volumes.*
Klaus: That bloody, bloody wanker! He’s been working all this time since Turkey to bring me down! I will not be made a dirty old may or a corrupt officer!
*Eroica scores another direct hit!*
Dorian: The lion has left his lair. So, it is time for my farewell performance.
Klaus: Something’s wrong. Everything’s too perfect.
*Sometimes being a fatalist has its good points.*
Major Eroica: Should I just fake it?
*Taken out of context... Oo, la, la!*
Major Eroica: The plan has gone wrong! There is no time left!
Klaus: I’ve heard enough explosions to last me a lifetime! I’m not about to be fooled by some stupid recording! The same ruse isn’t going to fool me!
Agent A: What...is it?
Klaus: Careful. It could be a miniature bomb.
Agent: It looks gross whatever it is. It looks like human hair.
*Somehow the Major reaches the wig and then stands back to shake it. Does he jump over and then back again?*
Klaus: I get it! It all makes sense now! That degenerate in Turkey! That perverted grin! It all makes sense! Eroica was out to make a complete fool out of me! That bloody, bloody, bloody wanker! (FAN: I get it! So that’s it! That’ dirty Don Juan in Turkey, showing his teeth and grinning all over his face- Shamelessly pretending to be me- It was him!! That bastard!)
*And the final hit of round…er, Part One is scored by Eroica!*
- - - - - - - - - -
END STORY TEN - PART 1
- - - - - - - - - -
NOTE: These are all being saved to the community's memories to make it easier to locate any one particular story.
Story Ten - Glass Target - Part 2
BOOK SIX
Story 10 Part 1
GLASS TARGET
Typos… Well, actually, this is more improper word use.
Page 135 - It contained a photo of you in a rather-shall we say-uncompromising[1] situation.
[1] The correct word is compromising, which means: to expose to suspicion or loss of reputation.
Page 166 - He would look as though[2] a king should.
[2] It appears that the translators used “as though” in the place of “like,” which works in some comparisons, but not others. Here, for instance.
- - - - - - - - - - Comments, observations, and gripes - - - - - - - - - -
--> Page 56 - Mr. James’ pajamas and robe have the same herringbone pattern as his suits, which seem to be the only article of clothing his owns without patches.
--> Page 61 - The news report refers to Queen Elizabeth II as “Her royal highness,” which is incorrect. The monarch is “her royal majesty,” not highness.
--> Page 61 - The news report goes on, referring to the crown as “the English Royal crown.” The fan translation calls it the crown of Queen Victoria. In point of fact, it is “the Imperial State Crown.” None of the British Crown Jewels are permitted to leave the country “on loan,” or any other way. But whoever said that Eroica was in our reality?
--> Page 69 - The woman the Chief ogles bumps into the Major when exiting the elevator. Afterward, he brushes off his coat where she touched him. Is he afraid of women cooties?
--> Page 73 - Before entering the Director’s office, the Major takes off his coat, putting it over his right arm. It seems to have vanished when he pulls his gun. Did he drop it on the floor? Not only is he a dead shot, he’s also a pretty quick draw.
--> Page 74 - SIS Agent and James Bond wannabe Charles Lawrence makes his first appearance-and one more lunatic is added to the asylum surrounding the Major. One has to suspect that Lawrence was briefed on Iron Klaus beforehand because he knows who the Major is before he even introduces himself.
--> Page 75 - Lawrence is served a proper English tea in ornate china-warmed cup and all-on a tray. (I have a mirrored one just like it. The filigree around the edge is gold.) The Major has “premium” instant coffee in a plain cup with NATO printed on it. ;-D
--> Page 76 - The Major’s matches have NATO BARBER on them. Lawrence’s lighter has SIS engraved on it. So much for being a “secret” agent.
--> Page 76 - The Major’s thoughtful expression as he puzzles over Lawrence is identical to the expression Lawrence gets as he rambles on about taking time to smell the roses. (page 115)
--> Page 83 - All the opposing Intelligence communities coming together in a joint venture to get Eroica into a war zone. When successful, they pass along one phrase. “He bought it.” Ending with the snickering Major. Pure gold!
--> Page 85 - The spy watching Dorian is holding a newspaper with “EXCITING TIMES” as a headline. Exciting indeed.
--> Page 106 - The Major’s dialogue after his calm comment that it is too late-and those that follow-is a garbled mess and completely out of sequence.
Thank you to norwayblue_eyes for the proper sequence.
(2nd row from top, left panel)
The glass supplier: "One of our employees received an order for extremely strong glass. And, without knowing what it was, he used it."
Klaus: "Without knowing? Were it that simple! A top secret material was used for a showcase of all things!"
(bottom right panel)
Klaus: "That idiot employee and his manager should be fired! Do you hear me?! Fired!"
Chief: "That's enough. What's done is done."
--> Page 108 - Note the background as the Major gives his impassioned speech about the “special” fiberglass. Is it the refracted light of knowledge? ;-D
--> Page 111 - The display case has what looks like a yawning chasm (well, at least an arm’s length) between it and the raised platform where people can walk around and gawk at it. The Major leans over to look at it. (Page 113) Then he seems to be standing right next to it when he sets off the alarm. (Page 114) Is he levitating? And by the end, it seems to have doubled in size. (Page 200)
--> Page 117 - We finally meet KGB Agent Polar Bear for the first time. (Unless the KGB agent that the Major calls Crazy Ivan in “Dramatic Spring” is the early version of the character, which I personally do not believe is the case. More on this in Part Two) Later we learn he is Mischa the Cub’s mentor. He also seems to be the most sedate of the KGB Agents who have appeared thus far. The Major was stunned when he saw Mischa the first time, but he actually seems delighted to see Polar Bear.
--> Page 130 - Dorian dresses as the Major for the first time. To quote mullenkamp, “My fandom cosplays itself.” Oh, the crack! I admit that I was totally confused, and then just as shocked as James, when Dorian pulled off his sunglasses and declared how disappointed he was. I’m still queasy at the sight of the pseudo-Major with a background of roses, though. *In the quotes, the disguised Dorian is referred to as Major Eroica.*
--> Page 135 - Dorian’s photo op with the Turkish soldier is made of win!
--> Page 136 - James’ idiotic grabbing of the bomb is reason 2,874,508,974,592 why his character annoys the hell out of me. I was hoping Dorian would leave him tied up for the rest of the story. And it has nothing to do with my bondage fetish!
--> Page 144 - The Chief cowering behind his desk after giving the Major the envelope with the compromising photograph still makes me laugh. As does his diving for cover when the Major explodes.
--> Page 150 - Shirtless Klaus. *THUD*
--> Page 152 - Dorian appears, fresh as a daisy, at the Major’s home complete with his floral background of roses. The Major, on the other hand, has what looks like a bottomless pit opening behind him.
--> Page 155 - The entire confrontation scene with the butler is pure crack! The reactions of Dorian and the Major to the butler’s act of selflessness is hilarious. The Major discovers that he has a vulnerability to acts of blind loyalty, which he has doubtless never encountered before-and probably never will again.
--> Page 162 - The background of baby Major’s behind Dorian, and the stone wall behind the shocked Bonham. Major Pampers is a bit much, even for Eroica. Good thing Bonham has a strong heart.
--> Page 168 - The dialogue in the lower panel in the center is out of order. It should be-Lawrence: “You thought I was going to badmouth you. You were just pretending to go back and trailed me instead.” Klaus: “I just got here from Bonn.”
--> Page 170 - Dorian appears in drag for the first time in the series. So much for not being inclined to cross dressing.
--> Page 174 - Polar Bear and his subordinate watch the disguised Dorian inside the Japanese pavilion. EROICA is written on the wall that Polar Bear is leaning against.
--> Page 179 - Just what does the Major whisper to Lawrence that makes him perk up and look so happy-go-lucky?
--> Page 198 - The Major can distinguish the difference between a real explosion and a recorded one. Eroica may have thrown him off his stride in some things, but he can’t take away the man’s experience or intellect. I am impressed.
- - - - - - - - - - The Quotes - - - - - - - - - -
Dorian: Tonight is the night. I shall do it in a way a blue-blooded thief should. With grace. With style. With decorum…or I should hope. (FAN: Tonight I’ve been thinking of exquisite beauty and a romance perfectly suited to an elegant, aristocratic thief.)
*This opening tickles me. Not exactly a work of art he’s stealing, is it?*
Dorian: I demand my meals be returned to my regular fare at once.
James: We don’t have any money.
Dorian: I shall no longer accept that as an excuse! (FAN: No excuses. The time is over when that line lets you get away with anything.)
James: Then how about this one? You unfaithful cheat! (FAN: Okay. I’ve got another line: Traitor!)
*Cheat. That implies… O_o I’ll stick with traitor, I think.*
James: Hell hath no fury like a man scorned! (FAN: The enmity of a man betrayed is a terrible thing!)
Dorian: You have it wrong, my dear James. Hell hath no fury like a hungry man denied! (FAN: You’re an idiot, James. The ire of the hungry is even more terrifying...)
Dorian: So there! How’s that for presence?!
*Way to go, Dorian!*
Bonham: (to James) How come the Earl be drinkin’ only water? You miserly Cretin!
Dorian: The E.C. Expo is a peaceful affair. It certainly does not fall under the Major’s jurisdiction. And, suppose we were to bump into each other, the Major will avoid me like the plague. Unfortunately. (FAN: Even if we do meet him, it’s the Major who’ll avoid us. He hates me as if I were a hairy caterpillar.)
*Um...for once, I think I prefer the CMX version.*
Dorian: You can say hello without worrying. He hates “NATO geezer.” Call him something more youthful. Like “NATO babe.”(FAN: You can say “hi” to him without fear. You’ve been calling him “The old fart from NATO” too much. Try, like... “That nice boy from NATO?!?)
Bonham: (Too shocked to speak)
Dorian: I was only joking. I can’t have you dying here. (FAN: It was only a joke, Bonham. Don’t die on me. Hang in there.)
*Poor Bonham.*
Dorian: It might not be such a bad idea to rattle the Major’s cage as well.
*Is that what you call it?*
(At the elevator)
Klaus: Don’t you want to get in? The doors are about to close.
Chief: Er... Um... I...
Klaus: Or, are you going to walk up to the fifth floor for a change? It’s be good exercise.
Chief: (thinks) Acerbic twit-as always. (FAN: What a perverse character.)
*Let the snarkage begin!*
Chief: Like I said, I was acting in your best interests with that vacation order! You could us a woman in your life! (FAN: About that special vacation! I was only showing fatherly interest in you since you don’t know any women!) *twitch*
Klaus: Well, you didn’t have to! You just acted out a sick voyeur fantasy! And besides, I’m not so inept I need your help. Don’t make a fool out of me! (FAN: Don’t tell such transparent lies! You’re just a dirty peeping Tom, is what! I’m not so useless that I have to have my boss get women for me! *cough* Stop treating me like an idiot!)
Klaus: Sir, now I know why you insist on the elevator.
Chief: See? It’s fast and convenient.
Klaus: It’s for old men like you.
*ouch*
Chief: I can really do without you being so confrontational first thing in the morning. (FAN: Don’t be so rude this early in the morning.)
*This is the Major you’re talking to.*
Chief: For a man who’s supposedly disinterested, you certainly scoped her out. (*indeed*)
Klaus: I’m in Intelligence. It’s my job to observe people.
*Of course it is, Major.*
Agent A: The Major took the elevator! And, he was with the Director!
Agent B: Maybe they were discussing top secret stuff! And look! They look very serious!
*ZOMG! The world is coming to an end!*
Chief: You may say your job is to observe people. But actually, you’re just saying that to hide your lurid tendencies. (FAN: Did you say something about what “anyone in Intelligence could observe”? Passing off your filthy thoughts as professionalism won’t do, Major.)
Klaus: Because you only looked from her breasts down. If anyone’s a dirty old man, it’s you. (FAN: You only looked below her neck. Just the materialistic lechery one expects of a middle-aged male.)
*has giggle fit*
Chief: You’ve become awfully cold after Alaska. (FAN: I bet you weren’t cold even in Alaska.)
Klaus: I’m neither cold nor unfeeling, sir. (FAN: I don’t have a cold nature-and I’m not frigid, either.)*Quick, someone tell Dorian!*
Chief: Then lighten up. All this excessive self-discipline is bad for you. (FAN: You should let yourself go more often, Klaus. Too much control is bad for the health.)
*When I read the fan translation the first time, I didn’t realize how odd it was for the Major to be called by his first name, even by his superior.*
Chief: I’ll lend you a book my wife reads every night. She says it’s good. (*Every night!?*)
Klaus: “Heidi”?
Chief: No! “Caligula.”
Klaus: I saw the movie.
Chief: You did?! And…and how was it? My wife wants to see it.
Klaus: Everyone was doing it. That says a lot about your lifestyle. (FAN: Pretty energetic. Can your home life take it, I wonder?)
*The fan version of the Major’s comments amuse me. The final cut of the movie was basically porn.*
Klaus: Why don’t you and the Mrs. go to a doctor?
Chief: I just went for a physical.
Klaus: I’m talking about a shrink.
*Which he also suggested at the breakfast conversation in “Alaskan Front.” (Book 4, page 162)*
Chief: Mocking me, again? (FAN: You despise me, don’t you, Eberbach?)
Klaus: Do I have to spell it out? You have inappropriate interest in one of my men. You drool over women. To top it all off, you’re trying to pry into my private life. I’m sick and tired of your lack of principles. (FAN: That goes without saying. You run after that drag queen in the office, you ogle women’s bodies and then you shove your nose in my private affairs. You’re disgusting.)
Klaus: You haven’t been promoted for years. So, you’ve decided to blame me.
Chief: Oh, yeah? I’ll bet you blame me for still being a major. You keep criticizing me, but you’re in the same boat as I am. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black! So, there!
Klaus: I’m the kettle. That makes you a crock.
*Snarkage round one to the Major, I think.*
Klaus: (upon seeing Lawrence) He’s napping-in that awful pose?
Lawrence: Major, what are you drinking?
Klaus: Instant coffee.
Lawrence: Do pardon me, but I would’ve expected an officer of your breeding to be much more discriminating. (FAN: I thought a top officer like you would have more particular tastes.)
Klaus: It’s a premium blend. (FAN: Nescafé Gold Blend.)
*Well, that makes all the difference.*
Lawrence: The glory days of British Intelligence are over I’m afraid. We have to tip our hats to the CIA and KGB now. A suave dashing spy? Poppycock. It’s just a story.
Klaus: (thinks) Sure, that’s what he says. Look at him. He’s a complete throwback to the past.
*I really like the Major’s expression here.*
Klaus: If it’s so valuable, just leave it home.
*Always the pragmatist.*
Klaus: I know more about Eroica than you do!
*Oh, to take that out of context! Even in context...heh.*
Klaus: Just the very thought of him makes me ill. And he’s coming here?! Not if I can help it! He’s not bringing his circus to my backyard! I won’t have him contaminating German soil with his filth!
Lawrence: He won’t show if he finds out you’re involved. (*Newbie.*)
Klaus: I’m not a guard dog! In fact, he’ll come just to irritate me.
*He’s irritating you already, Major, and he hasn’t even shown up yet.*
Klaus: Hey, “Mr. Glory Days Are Over.” Listen up. (FAN: Oi- Can I borrow a British ear once unmatched?)
Lawrence: That’s very rude of you Major. I do have my pride.
Klaus: Okay then, Mr. Casanova. (FAN: Lover boy!)
Lawrence: Yes? What can I do for you?
*has giggle fit*
Klaus: I hate Russkies. I hate Yanks. I hate Italians. But, I think I can grow to hate Brits even more because of this idiot and the Earl. I’m not gonna let that degenerate set foot in Germany. In fact, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t even get close during the Expo.
*And the Major begins the war with a pre-emptive strike.*
Bonham: I get depressed just thinkin’ we might bump into the Major.
Dorian: If you do, yell “The eternal youth of NATO,” and run away. (FAN: Just call him “Perpetual Major” and he’ll run away.) *So…who’s doing the running away here?*
Bonham: (thinks) ‘E certainly knows ‘ow to make a bad situation worse.
Bonham: There be war there, but no Major! Let’s go!
Klaus: Your operations may be going to rot and all, but your old connections are still good in spots.
Lawrence: I can certainly do without that sarcasm of yours.
Klaus: It’s a compliment. The glitter may be gone, but it’s still gold.
Lawrence: Er...
*Talk about a backhanded compliment.*
Klaus: Even the KGB were willing to help in Operation Shutdown. It’s because he is such an irritating git. He deserved it, that stupid wanker.
*Obviously he’s forgotten that Eroica is a man of pure malice.*
Klaus: You don’t know a thing about how good West German industrial products are, do you? Ours are the best in the world!
Lawrence: I hear the Japanese have the best.
Klaus: Compare them at the EC Expo and you’ll see the difference. Ours are the best.
*I love this zinger towards Japanese products from the author. This was still at the time when the majority of people thought that “Made in Japan” meant junk.*
Klaus: Can’t you do something about that gadget-loving dolt?
Chief: Who?
Klaus: That would be James Bond.
Chief: Your mission is to help him and protect the crown. That’s an order, Major.
Klaus: You crock of...
*Snarkage round two to the Chief.*
James: This is not the place to be waxing poetically. Let’s hurry up and find the treasure.
*Another pragmatist.*
Dorian: It’s a trap. Someone strung us along very carefully from England to Iraq. (. . .) This is to annoy me? (FAN: A personal vendetta.)
*Considering what is to come, I think the fan version is bang on.*
Dorian: I can think of only one person who knows me well enough to set a trap I would fall for. Plus, he dearly loves this sort of big undertaking. Yes, only one person would be evil and twisted enough to do this without second thoughts. You do know whom I am talking about? Only him. It is that nasty, nasty German! (*The one you’re in love with, right?*) Curse you for fooling me! Never double-cross a thief! I shall make you pay for this!
*And loose the dogs of war...*
Klaus: That wanker’s probably stuck in the desert right about now. Even if he caught on, it’s too late. (FAN: Right now that asshole is probably up to his nose in sand. Even if he figures out that he’s been fooled, it’s too late.)
*For someone who doesn’t want to think about the Earl, the Major seems to think about the Earl a lot.*
Lawrence: Major, I’m busy so I’ll contact you-huh? He hung up. He can be so impolite.
Chief: At least the mission will be more up your alley now. You won’t be guarding a crown but a military secret.
Klaus: It still doesn’t change the fact I’m a guard dog.
*I like the guard dog / German Shepherd analogy. Sorry, Major.*
Klaus: Nein! A tank will always be made of steel! I don’t want to even think about a fiberglass tank! It’s an abomination!
Agent A: But in the future-
Klaus: Shut up! A tank is a tank because it’s made of steel!
*They don’t understand the beauty of polished steel.*
Klaus: Why do I never get promoted? It’s because of that stupid crock of a Director and brainless idiots like them. That’s why!
*So, losing a tank, ending up with a statue instead of a KGB agent, being with Eroica when he stole the Pope, and sinking a US Navy ship has nothing to do with it, right?*
Lawrence: Keep an eye out for anyone suspicious.
Guard: That bloke! He looks mighty suspicious! (points at surveillance monitor)
Lawrence: Where? (looks) Good eye. He’s NATO.
*It was the trench coat and sunglasses that gave him away.*
Lawrence: Major, I’ve been thinking.
Klaus: About what?
*I totally read the Major’s reply as “With what?” the first time around. ;-D*
Lawrence: It’s evocative of a beautiful Anglo-Saxon maiden slumbering in the arms of a manly Germanic warrior. All very charming, is it not?
Klaus: (stunned) Er... How old are you?
*bursts out laughing*
Lawrence: Take the time to smell the roses.
Klaus: And get drilled from behind? No thanks.
*Draw your own conclusions. ;-D*
Klaus: The very thought I have to work with that space cadet for a month is depressing.
Klaus: (to Polar Bear) I know I’ve seen you somewhere before.
*Does the Major look delighted to see him because he’s the only relatively sane person around?*
Klaus: I’m the dog guarding the English crown. Woof.
Polar Bear: You? Iron Klaus, a guard dog? Har har har har. That makes for a great joke, but you can’t fool us at the KGB! (*Since when?*)
Klaus: The EC Expo is a peaceful exhibition. So, my mission is also peaceful. You can find me circling the crown daily.
Polar Bear: Maybe I’ll drop by and pat your head.
Klaus: Stick your hand out and I’ll bite.
Polar Bear: I’ll make sure I’m vaccinated against rabies first.
Polar Bear: NATO would never use him just as a guard dog. He’s an attack dog through and through. So, why an attack dog? There has to be a good reason. Watch that German Shepherd’s every move.
James: (during bombing in Iraq) Can you make me the beneficiary of your life insurance?
Bonham: You...
*Talk about mercenary!*
Dorian: Major, this time you were a tad too generous. You not only deceived me but have given me an experience of a lifetime. I thank you wholeheartedly. (. . .) You must have gone to great lengths. Your generosity demands I make returns. I, too, am a man of honor. Just you wait, Major. Just you wait.
Dorian: I shall talk to you at great lengths later. For now, though, can you see to my men?
James: Where’s the black market?
Bakchial Junior: He seems...fine.
Dorian: He is...exceptional.
*That’s one word for it.*
Dorian: (in tub) Do be so kind to take him with you. He has been leering the whole time.
(Bakchial Junior drags his father out.)
Dorian: At last, I can stretch out.
*As in “Dramatic Spring,” Dorian demonstrates that he’s a closet prude. After all, his over the top behavior keeps all but a very few away, doesn’t it?*
Dorian: Were it not for my wrath toward the Major, I doubt we would have made it. At last, I am feeling a little more human. Now then, what to do first. (FAN: Because of the Major’s persistent hatred of me, we’ve finally come to this point, but-the moment when he turns into a human is in the future.)
*Such a difference in the translations. Who is turning human? Dorian, the Major or both of them?*
Bonham: Don’t tell me you be angry with NATO too because of the Major! You don’t mean to start a war with NATO, do you? (*They started it!*)
Dorian: They were obviously involved. Still, I only mean to use them. And in my own way.
Turkish officer: But sir, it’d cause massive headaches for us.
Major Eroica: Read my lips! I don’t care!
*Again with the “Read my lips” joke. This time, it is 7 years off.*
Young soldier: Major Eberbach? Your plane’s ready.
Major Eroica: (thinks) Oh! What a sweet little thing! A Turkish version of Agent Z.
*This is not the time, Dorian!*
Dorian: I am a pro. Impersonating the Major is a piece of cake. I can copy him perfectly-from the way he talks to the way he lumbers around. The stupid wankers fell for it completely. So there! Humph! (FAN: I’m a pro. Copying the Major was child’s play. I can reproduce everything about that idiot, talk to bowlegged walk, exactly the way he does. Those dumb Turks were completely taken in. Serves them right. Hmpf.)
*Bowlegged? Because he’s so well-hung? ;-D*
Dorian: He no doubt will be disgusted, break out in goose pimples, and feel faint. It is all too irresistible, really.
*I am amused because this is exactly what happens. (Page 145)*
Dorian: As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, so does the deepest love turn to deadliest hate. Perhaps in this case, it is the deadliest of hate that becomes the deepest love. We make a good couple. He is twisted. I am bent. (FAN: I should hate him so much it’d make me sick, but I can’t go on with it. Is he a hundred times more hateful than loveable? Or a hundred times more lovable than hateful. He has a crooked soul, but I have a flexible heart to find its path.)
*Um...wow.*
Polar Bear: I’d say the attack dog is barking up the wrong tree. Hard at work I see.
Klaus: Come to pat my head, Polar Bear? (. . .) Touch it and I’ll bite.
Polar Bear: Major, I really don’t think you make a good guard dog.
Klaus: Neither do I.
Polar Bear: What’s NATO thinking?
Klaus: Ask the SIS. They asked us.
(Lawrence appears)
Klaus: Perfect. He wanted to talk to you.
Lawrence: Who is he?
Klaus: KGB.
*From his reaction, one has to wonder if Lawrence has ever encountered a KGB agent before.*
Lawrence: So who are you really?
Polar Bear: KGB.
Lawrence: He played right along. He didn’t even miss a beat. And the poise. He must be CIA.
*On second thought, has this twit ever been out of England before?*
Chief: We just received it a few hours ago. It contained a photo of you in a rather-shall we say-compromising situation. (FAN: This came special delivery. It’s got a photograph you’re not going to like.)
Klaus: What? A picture of me drunk? (*That’s the most compromising you can think of?*)
Chief: Just look at it. You’ll know what I’m talking about then. Keep an open mind when you look at it, all right? (Mmmm…you’ll see when you look at it. Take a deep breath and try to stay calm, Eberbach.)
*I love how, as he says this, the Chief takes cover behind the desk.*
Klaus: I’m disgusted. I’ve got goose bumps. My ears are ringing. I feel...faint.
*Eroica scores a direct hit! Just as he described on page 140.*
Chief: They’ve got you in a bad spot. (FAN: That’s an interest in pose, Klaus.)
*There it is again! Does he really call the Major by name in the Japanese version?*
Chief: No matter how you look at it, it looks like an officer preying on one of his men. So, Eberbach, you no longer have the right to criticize my proclivities! (FAN: Just seeing this, you could be a lecherous homo of an officer. You’re in no position to despise me, Major.)
Klaus: I don’t cuddle up to people-let alone young men-and mug it up for the camera. (FAN: I wouldn’t be showing all my teeth in a grin while I’m rubbing up against some young army type!)
*The fan version makes it sound like he prefers doing other things while rubbing up against them. O_O*
Chief: A Doppelgänger? Maybe you have a twin brother who was separated at birth. (*Now there’s a scary thought!*)
Klaus: Director, get real. It’s clearly a conspiracy to ruin me.
Chief: Any idea who? (*Just grab a phone book.*)
Klaus: Millions.
Chief: You have a lot of enemies.
*Well, the current population of the Earth is...*
Klaus: It’s bad enough some wanker pretended to be “Iron Klaus” and conned off a transport. But, it doesn’t even compare to the insult in sending that obscene photo! Whoever it was ruined my reputation and personally insulted my pride. Whoever it was. He’ll pay. He will pay!
Klaus: I don’t have a twin brother separate at birth, do I?
Butler: Good heavens, no. The Master was the only one born.
Klaus: Right.
*I would like to pause a moment to admire the Major shirtless. . . *
*He has such nice bone structure, don’t you think?*
*Awww! He got dressed. ;-(*
Klaus: The guest?
Butler: He’s breakfasting in the main dining room.
Klaus: Is it your policy to feed every guest?
*You get many guests, Major?*
Dorian: I was in Germany, so I thought I would pay you a courtesy call.
Klaus: Your idea of a courtesy call is to invite yourself to breakfast and stuff yourself?!
*I'm impressed that Dorian has the balls to turn up at the Schloss in the first place.*
Dorian: I am simply regaining a little of my weight I lost thanks to you. It was a most exhausting endeavor.
Klaus: What? You cleaned my entire castle?
Dorian: Please stop pointing that at me. I was being kind enough to notify you in advance. (FAN: I’m nice enough to give you advance warning, and you pull a gun on me. You’re heartless.)
Klaus: The only reason I didn’t blow your brains out was because I didn’t want you soiling my place any more then you already have. (FAN: Be grateful I don’t kill you right here. I’d dirty the room.)
Dorian: (holding knife on butler) Put the gun down-or else he shall get hurt.
Klaus: You wanker! That’s low!
Dorian: Low? When it comes to you and me, nothing is beneath us.
*So...you’re both on top? - Sorry*
Dorian: You must rectify that dreadful habit of pointing your gun at me every time you see me.
*Yeah! Point that other gun at him!*
Dorian: Your butler becomes rather emotional.
Butler: It would be a great honor if I died here-in your service.
Klaus: Shut up, you lunatic!
*giggles*
Butler: I have always been prepared to die for my Master!
Dorian: (thinks) Er...goodness. Now what?
*Obviously, Dorian forgot his aversion to blood until it was too late.*
Butler: Master, if I may! Your late mother-rest her soul-made me promise to take good care of you. (FAN: Your sainted mother entrusted the baby Klaus to my care and strictly charged me to watch over you.)
Klaus: (stunned) What?
Butler: I have served the Eberbachs for decades. But I have yet to show my true gratitude. (FAN: I have served the Eberbach family for decades, from your revered father’s time. How can I ever repay your trust and favor?)
Dorian: Er…
Butler: (in tears) Let me die here. Your mother in heaven would at last be happy.
Klaus: Er…
*Dear Lord, I love this scene!*
Butler: I-and even your stern father-spent countless nights singing you to sleep. I still had a thick crop of hair then…rather I was young then, so raising a child was new to me. It was very difficult. Still, you were a precocious child. You weren’t in nappies long.
*falls off chair laughing*
Butler: From the bottom of my heart-
Klaus: All right! But, don’t say another word! Say it, and you’re fired!
*The pairs’ reaction is a scream. Dorian hiding in the drapes and the Major trying not to cry while the butler sobs uncontrollably.*
Dorian: Sorry, chap. I am terrible in these situations. I never know quite what to do. (FAN: I’m not really good at these things. What should I do?)
Klaus: Consider yourself lucky. I’ve lost the will to fight, too. I’ll get you next time. (FAN: Me, too. I’ve lost my will to fight. Thank me and get out while you can. Next time, it won’t be like this.)
*Poor Major. He looks so deflated. This battle ends in a draw.*
Dorian: Then, have a good day, Major. Breakfast was marvelous, especially the yogurt. (FAN: Okay, then. So long, Major. Thanks for breakfast. The yogurt was just delish.)
Klaus: Compliments won’t get you anywhere! I’m never feeding you again. Now, get out! (FAN: I won’t let you eat if you talk in that unmanly way. Get lost.)
*The fan version makes it sound like the Major would not exactly have a problem feeding Dorian again.*
Dorian: It must be unbearable for a grown man to hear about his toilet training. Alas, even the Iron Klaus lost his composure. Still, I am rather envious of his breakfast fare. A far cry from what James serves. And, he’s eating off these terribly dear Meissen plates. (FAN: A great man like that…hearing about his diapers…it must have been intolerable. Iron Klaus was read with shame, poor guy. Even so, he laid on quite a breakfast. I’m jealous. And his tableware is Meissen, top quality.)
*Further proof, if any were needed, that the Major is wealthy.*
Klaus: (yells out window as Dorian drives off) Thief! You even ate my share, you bloody wanker! And, to top it off, you stole one of my plates!
*Note the boar statue outside.*
Klaus: Throw away everything he used!
Butler: But Meissen plates are very expensive.
Klaus: Then why didn’t you use some cheap dishes?
Butler: He insisted on Meissen.
Klaus: I can’t believe the nerve! Then disinfect them and you use them. Not my problem if you get his germs, though. (FAN: He’s absolutely shameless. Okay, disinfect the plates. You can use them. If you want to turn into a homo.)
*You’re all heart, Major.*
Klaus: That act of blind loyalty sapped my will to fight. I’d better guard against that sort of thing.
*Not likely to happen again. Don’t worry.*
Chief: Major, we have a crisis.
Klaus: I have one, too! Eroica showed up-here!
*And he ate your food and everything!*
Bonham: I still ‘ave a lotta misginin’s. The Major scares me silly.
Dorian: Apparently, the Major did not need nappies for long.
Bonham: Huh?
Dorian: Just imaging the Major in nappies. That ought to brighten your day. Pumped and primed for Major Pampers! Poetic really!
Bonham: (Stunned) Disturbing. Very. (FAN: Suddenly, I feel cold.)
*Poor Bonham. He’s not long for this world at this rate.*
Major Eroica: Now then. Major Eroica makes his grand entrance.
*I’d like to know where he got the tie that’s identical to the one the Major is wearing that day.*
Major Eroica: Ah, Agent Z. You sweet thing, you. (Pats Z) Keeping up the good work, Z?
Agent Z: (bangs head against wall)
Agent B: He’s really depressed. The Major patted him three times.
Agent A: I feel sorry for him. Alaska again? And this time permanently?
Agent G: Unfair! The Major never pats me!
Major Eroica: Just imagine Eroica wearing the crown. He would look [like] a king should. I think it would make a mesmerizing sight.
Lawrence: Are you making fun of me? You don’t have to copy my manners, you know!
Major Eroica: (thinks) Huh? What a tiring man.
*Dorian’s only just met him and he’s already got Lawrence pegged.*
Lawrence: (about Eroica) Still, he’s nothing compared to the Neo-Nazis. An attention-seeking upstart like him will be easy to catch. (FAN: Compared to the Neo-Nazis, he’s just one little thief. That tasteless nouveau riche idiot sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ll soon get him.)
Major Eroica: ! ! !
*Notice the roses plummeting around the disguised Dorian.*
Lawrence: He’s impossible. A multiple personality disorder, perhaps?
Agent B: Too many people have long hair like the Major!
Agent A: It’s because they’re slobs! (FAN: He’s let it get so long.)
Agent B: Really? The Major gets his cut once every three months. (FAN: He only goes to the barber every three months.)
Agent A: It’s just an excuse for him to nap. (FAN: And then just for a nap.)
*The Major can sleep anywhere.*
Klaus: He’s got a lot of nerve to show up just before I did. The sheer audacity! He’s clearly out to make a fool out of me!
*Gee, you think?*
Polar Bear: Is being tied up like a guard dog stressful for the attack dog? It must be hard for a man who is always on offense to be playing defense, eh, Major?
Dorian: Where’s James?
Bonham: He be blissfully attached to cheap calculators.
Polar Bear: According to comrade Mischa, his codename is “James.” He’s the West’s stingiest accountant. And, he works for Eroica.
KGB Agent: Comrade, look at that giant woman!
Polar Bear: It’s Eroica!
*Tall, but damned good-looking.*
Polar Bear: Eroica and the Major have something special between them.
*They also have differing opinions on what it is. As do all the fan!girls. ;-D*
Bonham: Let’s leave ‘im. We’ll make the estimates. We can pass the bills along to ‘im.
Dorian: (walks away) True enough.
Bonham: ‘E can cry about it, but it’d be after the fact.
*Dorian, have you been teaching Bonham how to speak James?*
Lawrence: Well, “England expects that every man will do his duty.” I suppose we can only do our best.
Klaus: Nelson’s immortal lines sound like a joke coming from you.
*Everything sounds like a joke coming from him!*
Lawrence: Major, you’re tired. You need to unwind.
Klaus: Good thing Nelson didn’t do that before Trafalgar. (FAN: Nelson is spinning in his grave.)
Klaus: If you want to unwind, then just go! I’ll keep watch!
Lawrence: You’ll still be hard at work. I can’t really. But... If you insist... I’ll take you up.
*Really had to twist his arm, didn’t you, Major?*
Klaus: It’s amazing how he can be so blissfully vacuous.
Klaus: Must be difficult to be a defender, huh? Polar Bear actually sympathizes with what I’m going through. (FAN: Keeping watch. From time to time, the Polar Bear actually says something intelligent.
*Aww, poor baby. I so want to hold him.*
Polar Bear: The attack dog is still barking at the moon.
Klaus: Me?! In a nightclub?! Being friendly with women?!
*The Major’s shocked expression speaks volumes.*
Klaus: That bloody, bloody wanker! He’s been working all this time since Turkey to bring me down! I will not be made a dirty old may or a corrupt officer!
*Eroica scores another direct hit!*
Dorian: The lion has left his lair. So, it is time for my farewell performance.
Klaus: Something’s wrong. Everything’s too perfect.
*Sometimes being a fatalist has its good points.*
Major Eroica: Should I just fake it?
*Taken out of context... Oo, la, la!*
Major Eroica: The plan has gone wrong! There is no time left!
Klaus: I’ve heard enough explosions to last me a lifetime! I’m not about to be fooled by some stupid recording! The same ruse isn’t going to fool me!
Agent A: What...is it?
Klaus: Careful. It could be a miniature bomb.
Agent: It looks gross whatever it is. It looks like human hair.
*Somehow the Major reaches the wig and then stands back to shake it. Does he jump over and then back again?*
Klaus: I get it! It all makes sense now! That degenerate in Turkey! That perverted grin! It all makes sense! Eroica was out to make a complete fool out of me! That bloody, bloody, bloody wanker! (FAN: I get it! So that’s it! That’ dirty Don Juan in Turkey, showing his teeth and grinning all over his face- Shamelessly pretending to be me- It was him!! That bastard!)
*And the final hit of round…er, Part One is scored by Eroica!*
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END STORY TEN - PART 1
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NOTE: These are all being saved to the community's memories to make it easier to locate any one particular story.
Story Ten - Glass Target - Part 2