Book FIve - Story 9, Part 2b - Alaskan Front
BOOK FIVE
Story 9 Part 2b
ALASKAN FRONT
Typos:
Page 112 - [The] greater the risk, the greater the thrill, I say.
Missing word
Page 177 - James is ere,[1] too. Do you want to talk to him?
[1]here *Unlike Bonham, Dorian does not drop his H's.*
Page 184 - I’m terribly crushed [by] this goodbye-
Missing word.
- - - - - - - - - - The Royal we - - - - - - - - - -
The Royal we -- It’s contagious! Now JAMES is doing it!
Page 125 - CMX - What a cramped bed. I daresay, I hope you shan't fall on us.
FAN - What a tiny cot. Don’t fall down on me, will you, Major?
Page 134 - CMX - We shall spring a surprise on Mischa. (. . .) We will do the unexpected. We use it to create a diversion. Leave it to me. *At first I thought Dorian meant himself and the Major, then it seemed more like he was referring to himself.*
FAN - I’ll shock Misha. I’ll do something Misha hasn’t even dreamed of, and attack at the moment of his shock. I...will do it.
Page 137 - CMX - The Earl’s extravagance will be the death of us!
FAN - I always have to suffer from the Earl’s squandering!
Page 141 - CMX - You have proven to be the better of us.
FAN - Learned a hard lesson that I’m not a match for you, haven’t I?
- - - - - - - - - - Comments, observations, and gripes - - - - - - - - - -
--> While not exactly stated, several hours had to’ve passed from the point in time when the Major’s men find him to when they fly to the Bering Sea. The length of time is alluded to by Agent Z when he reports that they have not stopped but for the odd break. It is obviously enough time for the Major to get some rest, get cleaned up, have his wound seen to, and change his clothes. He and Dorian are wearing different clothes at the coast, and then change into something more practical before climbing down the cliff.
--> Page 115 - Random panel. When Agent Z calls in to report that is Mischa going down to the sea, he and Bonham are wearing parkas that are more appropriate for Agent G. After this, they are dressed “normally.”
--> Page 123 - The Major and Dorian are locked in a cabin by the KGB. I think this is the first time we see the Major genuinely worried. It is at this point that we learn exactly why the KGB is so keen on getting Iron Klaus to Moscow in one piece. And if my theory about him having total recall is true…
--> Page 127 - The Alphabet and Eroica gang all end up together at a US Naval Base. There are no longer any Navy bases in Alaska, but the last one was located at Massacre Bay on Attu Island, which is all the way at the very tip of the Aleutian Islands. It also happens to be the location of the last battle on US sovereign soil against the Japanese during World War Two. You didn’t know that Eroica was crack and history rolled into one, did you? ;-D
--> Page 135 - James sits in a rubber raft calling for the Earl. The pillow he is sitting on has, instead of patches, DM, $, £, and ¥ printed all over it. They are the monetary symbols for Deutsch Mark, Dollar, Pound, and Yen, respectively.
--> Page 138 - Somehow James manages to catch up with a nuclear powered submarine using only a rubber raft, which he does not seem to be rowing. I looked at a National Geographic atlas (that just happened to have been published in 1981) and discovered that Attu Island is directly across the Bering Sea from the peninsula where the Russian base is located. It is also much further south of where Mischa and his men would have hit the coast after their westerly drive to rendezvous with the sub picked them up. So it MIGHT be possible for James to have been floating around when the sub arrived on its journey south. Then again, I might just forget about dispelling disbelief and just clap my hands. “I do believe in fairies. I do believe in fairies…”
--> Page 138 - After he says “Huh?” James’ next two lines are reversed, which explains why they don’t quite make sense.
--> Page 161 - Can ANYBODY tell me how the hell Dorian gets that HUGE crate out of the jeep and into the helicopter WITHOUT being seen? (And the hammerspace is not an expectable answer.) The Major tells him to steal a chopper and leave the art collection. Later on, when Dorian has to carry the crate, he whines to James about how heavy it is. (Although, he didn’t seemed to have a problem carrying the Pope.) The crate itself gets progressively smaller as the story goes on. Check its size behind the Soviet soldiers (page 117), in the back of the Jeep (page 156), when Dorian is carrying it (page 186 & 187), and when Bonham and Jones carry it (page 189).
--> Page 163 -As Dorian watches the Major fly off in the Mig, he waves and says, “Thank you!” But…he doesn’t. In the original Japanese version, he says “Good Luck!” I know this because it is written in English! What the hell possessed CMX to replace it? [/rant]
--> Page 171 - Panels 2 and 3, the Major’s lines are reversed. It should read, “You lousy shots! Look where you’re shooting! No bloody way I’m letting a chopper shoot down an interceptor. Or maybe you want to get nailed by one of your own!”
--> Page 202 - The dramatic confrontation begins. The Major’s ship appears, sailing through the eye of a tropical storm. Dorian stands, waxing poetic before a background of roses. While this is going on, the Eroica gang raises the colors. Well, sort of. I am amused at the difference between what we see them raise to the “flags” the Major actually sees.
--> Page 204 - Personal aside, because it’s just so silly. Somehow, the Major is able to discern that it is Bonham at the wheel of Dorian’s boat and gives him The Look™. Bonham feels it and realizes the Major is glaring at him from who knows how far away. Maybe the Major’s looks really can kill.
--> Page 206 - Dorian proves yet again that he is a klutz with all things mechanical, including fishing boats. I adore the look on the Major’s face as the ships collide. I am also glad that CMX did not remove the artwork of the collision noise with the faces of all the horrified subordinates within.
--> Page 208 - Dorian-narcissistic, self-centered, and shallow? He learns James is missing and starts a frantic search as the boat sinks. He is told that the artwork is safe, having been moved to a lifeboat. But Dorian continues looking for James. There has to be more to their relationship, but I don’t really want to go there. It does, however, give him a great excuse to grab onto the Major, who, despite being horrified, does not panic.
--> Page 213 - With so many hilarious moments in this story, the ending is just the icing on the cake. The Eroica gang and the Major’s Alphabet all piled up on two rafts and a lifeboat while Dorian, James, and the Major occupy the third raft floating some distance from the others. Nobody wants anything to do with any of them. ;-D
--> Page 217 - Agent Smith’s daughter Mary is holding a bear that was the mascot of the 1980 Moscow Olympics - Bear Cub Misha. While I realize KGB agent Mischa the Bear Cub got his name from this bear, I am more amused by the fact that Mary actually has one, considering the USA boycott the Moscow Games. [sarcasm] Thank you again, President Carter. [/sarcasm]
- - - - - - - - - - The Quotes !- - - - - - - - - -
Klaus: Where are you requisitioning all of those cars?!
Agent Z: Someone who specializes in stealing is…
Bonham: Z, don’t be telling ‘im about me.
Agent Z: We’re improvising, sir.
Klaus: (at the Bering Sea) On the other side is the Soviet Union. I can tell you right now, things are going to get ugly. I'm not saying this to get rid of you, but let this go. It's no longer something a civilian should be involved in. (FAN: Russia’s across the water. If my prediction’s correct, we’re gonna have a very complicated problem unless we handle it right. Lord Gloria, I’m telling you. Get out of this. ‘S not a job for a civilian thief any more.)
*Why, Major, you sound like you actually care.*
Dorian: [The] greater the risk, greater the thrill, I say. (*So that’s why you’re after the Major!*)
Klaus: You’re not going to live long with that attitude.
Dorian: Longer than you. I am not a chain smoker.
Klaus: Fruitcakes develop beer guts. (*Everything is black and white to you, isn’t it?*)
Dorian: I do not add ten lumps of sugar to my coffee.
Klaus: Huh? Who are you talking about?
Dorian: A friend of mine’s boss.
Klaus: Gee, there are more twisted superiors out there than I’d thought.
Agent A: They must be discussing something serious, like the East-West question.
*Almost gave the game away, Dorian. And A’s observation tickles me. Do they really look that serious?*
Klaus: It’s a Soviet nuclear sub.
Dorian: I see what you mean by “ugly.”
*Doesn’t even have the beauty of polished steel, does it?*
Klaus: You don’t have much to worry about. The KGB will want to exploit your skills.
Dorian: Absolutely not. I do this because I enjoy it. My philosophy is to live as I choose, free of any fetters. My pride would never allow me to be a KGB lackey. (*Note the background of roses as he waxes romantic.*)
Klaus: They don’t give a toss about what you think. They’ll take your hare-brained ideas and brainwash it in red. If that doesn’t’ work, they’ll send you to an asylum. They’ll put you in the middle of nowhere and that’s it. You’ll never get out.
*And the roses collapse around the Earl as reality sets in.*
Dorian: How nightmarish! An Iron Curtain comes down on my brilliant act as thief extraordinaire? How tragic!
Klaus: Spare me.
*He’s so sympathetic.*
Klaus: I'll sleep here. You're on the bottom.
*has giggle fit*
Dorian: You are a soldier, through and through. You are utterly unfazed by all this.
Klaus: (leans over side of bed and glares) Hey!
Dorian: Waugh!
Klaus: Don’t you dare try anything during the night-or else!
*Well, not completely unfazed, apparently. ;-D*
Dorian: That man can sleep anywhere. But, what was that sound? It was disturbing to say the least.
*But…I thought the Major was supposed to have a lovely baritone singing voice. ;-D*
Agent Smith: We have somebody we’d like to transfer to your custody. I believe your Major knows him. It’s James.
Agent A: No!
Bonham: The FBI ‘ad ‘im?
*I love how everyone refers to James as a thing after this.*
Jones: We don’t want it!
Bonham: Agent A, turn ‘em down!
Agent A: We’re in the middle of a stakeout. We can’t take it.
Agent B: The Major will be furious if we do.
Agent Smith: You have to. We have enough as it is.
Agent A: It’s your problem. Not ours! We’re not taking it!
Agent Smith: Too late! It’s already aboard a helicopter and is on its way. It should be arriving any time now.
FBI Chief: Somebody get a chopper ready.
*I’m so glad I’m not the only one who finds James loathsome. ;-P*
James: You’re the only one here to pick me up?
Agent G: Humph!
James: Nobody likes me.
Agent G: I didn’t want to be here, but we drew lots. And, I lost. No one wants to deal with you.
Agent G: (wails) The Major! The Major! The Earl! The Earl! The two people I love the most!
*I never realized G was a drama queen. Sorry.*
Dorian: Still, if a comely young seaman were to serve us, I would warmly welcome him. Do you have any delectable cabin boys?
Russian sailor: The Captain has warned them explicitly to avoid this cabin. He doesn't want the men of tomorrow contaminated by the corrupt airs of the west.
Klaus: The Captain's right. Earl, you're a threat to healthy young men everywhere-East or West. A germ.
Dorian: I dare say, I would lose my appetite if that geezer attended every meal.
Everyone: James? Adrift in the Bering Sea?!
Navy Officer: According to the report, he insists on finding the Russian Sub alone.
Bonham: Please, let ‘im be… (sob)…’e be just a poor lad.
Navy Officer: But, we’re-
Bonham: No. Just consider ‘im floating debris.
*snicker*
James: NATO doesn’t want me. The FBI doesn’t want me. Even the Navy doesn’t want me. But, that’s okay-as long as I find the Earl.
*He is devoted, kind of…*
James: Huh? I feel like I’m being spied on. (sees periscope) Waugh! I’m being spied on from there? Don’t stare! I can’t concentrate! Or are you the IRS?!
*It’s the sub you’re looking for, you moron!*
James: Oh, Earl! I’m so relieved you’re safe and sound! It must be a blessing from the gods of wealth.
*I am amused by the others' expressions in the panels above. Yeah, they’re overjoyed, aren’t they?*
Dorian: I am...touched. Words fail me in expressing my “surprise.”
Klaus: You shouldn’t have picked up that reject. You’ll regret you ever did.
Mischa: Dah.
*A red letter day! The Major and Mischa agree on something.*
Sub Captain: Is this man sick?
Klaus: Very. You’d better quarantine him right away.
Mischa: Dah.
*has giggle fit*
James: Never! I’m not leaving the Earl’s side.
Dorian: You shall be with the Major.
James: (recoils) NEVER!
*I love the fact that the Major keeps his back to him the whole time.*
James: Quarantine me! Somewhere! Anywhere! I won’t even mind if you put me in the foulest, dirtiest place on the sub.
Sub Captain: It seems the West has people we can’t even begin to fathom.
Klaus: The West doesn’t understand him either.
*Is it possible James is an alien?*
Klaus: I was getting sick of being a good boy.
Mischa: You're charming even when you're pretending to be a good boy. (FAN: Your being a good boy is very cute.)
*Cute? twitch*
Mischa: Major, what do you make of him?
Klaus: Let the wanker suffer! Don’ let him see them! Besides, they’re German cultural legacies! (*That were probably stolen by the Nazis in the first place.*)
Dorian: It is I who is asking Mischa! Stay out of this, you Philistine! (FAN: I’m asking Mischa. You don’t understand art at all, so shut up!)
*I love the Major’s expression when Dorian yells at him.*
Dorian: Major, I’m sure even you can appreciate this painting. Just look at the exquisite contrast formed by her body’s white radiance against the blue cloth.
Klaus: Hmph.
Mischa: I like it as well. It speaks volumes.
Klaus: Volumes? I’ll say. She’s fat. It’s unhealthy to have a beer gut like that.
*Oh, Major, you’re just so you!*
Mischa: I’m impressed with the way you refuse to give up. How about giving it a rest?
Klaus: Giving up is what fools do.
Mischa: Yours is just a foolish struggle.
*That’s what you think.*
(The Major dumps Dorian on the bed.)
Dorian: Ow!
Klaus: You were conscious.
Dorian: Could you not have put me down more gently? My head hurts. (FAN: Why can’t you throw me a little more gently? My head hurts…)
Klaus: Whatever. Still, you did well. I felt it. *Oh, my…* (FAN: You did it, didn’t you. I felt it on my shoulder.)
Dorian: So you did. (FAN: Yeah. Here it is.)
Klaus: Likewise. (FAN: I got one, too.)
Klaus: Real men don’t cry over destroyed paintings. Think about it in the bigger scheme of things. You have an hour to get over it, then pull yourself together. (FAN: A grown man doesn’t get depressed about destroying a painting or two. Just consider the success of the operation. It WAS a success. Come out to the surface in an hour. Understand!?)
*This is as supportive as he gets, folks.*
Klaus: Banished to Siberia?
Dorian: Dreadful, really.
James: Not Siberia! No! There are frozen mammoths-but no supermarkets!
Mischa: Somebody shut him up.
*Please, somebody!*
General: My dear Mischa!
Mischa: My dear Nikolaivich!
(The Russians bear hug.)
James: They’re old friends? (FAN: Are those two lovers or something?)
Dorian: It is a typical Russian greeting.
Klaus: Spare me.
*I love the background of flowers behind the Russians at the beginning of this scene.*
Mischa: So much for NATO’s Iron Klaus. Ha ha ha ha. There it is, right in front of you, but you can’t do a thing.
Klaus: I’ve had enough. (FAN: Lord Gloria, I’m coming out to the surface, too.)
*You could’ve stopped at coming out, Major. ;-D*
General: Don’t destroy my base too much!
Klaus: Shut up! You want your head blown off?!
*Iron Klaus: One man wrecking crew.*
Pilot: It’s my Mig! No! You can’t have it! You can’t-!
KA-POW!
Klaus: Sorry. I’m going back to Alaska.
*I’ll bet he never thought he’d ever be saying that.*
Klaus: Mission accomplished-plus I’ve managed to steal a Mig 25. I couldn’t feel better.The wanker’s chopper is so far away it makes me feel good. Good riddance.
*I would like to pause here to allow the Major this all too brief moment of bliss…*
James: It’s a sin to destroy money! Money’s more valuable than life itself. Heh heh heh heh.
*I’ll bet James knows all 286 Rules of Acquisition.*
Klaus: I can’t believe this. Mischa will get the plates back! I can’t believe this is happening! Why me?! (FAN: What the fuck! If they get caught, the negative’ll go back to Misha again…!! WHAT THE FUCK!!)
*The fan version is just a tad stronger here, don’t you think?*
James: Earl, the Major is coming back.
Dorian: Good show, chap! You did not forsake us after all! Thank you!
Klaus: You blithering idiot! (FAN: IDIOOOTS!!)
James: I say we surrender to the Russians. (fan translation: Let’s surrender to the Russians. He horrifies me!)
*ROFLMAO*
Klaus: I don’t want to be doing this, but I’m escorting you back to Alaska! Keep flying due east. (FAN: Very reluctantly, I’m gonna guard you to Alaska. Just keep going east!)
Dorian: Major, you mustn’t start a war! Find a peaceful way!
Klaus: Shut up, you civilian! You’re not in a position to complain! That was just a warning shot. I know how to exercise restraint. (FAN: Remember, you’re being guarded by ME, civilian! ‘S just a threat. Don’t lecture me. I’m a military man with common sense!)
James: You, a person of restraint? You give new meaning to “restraint.” (FAN: A man with common sense can’t be like that, though. When YOU say that, common sense’ll cry…)
*Personally, I’m going with the restraint comment because, well… Do I have to explain?*
General: HELP! Listen! I have two old parents, a wife of thirty years, and five unmarried daughters to take care of! I want to retire-alive!
Mig Pilot: Sir, could you refrain from demoralizing comments?
General: I don’t want to make a widow out of my wife!
Mig Pilot: I understand, sir. But...
Klaus: Stop whimpering and haul your behinds back to Alaska! Hurry up before I decide to start shooting at you!
*The whimpering of the Soviet General tickles me. The Eastern block is obviously just thugs, ugly geezers, and wimps.*
(The US Air Defense picks up the Major and Earl’s radio traffic.)
Klaus: Can’t you go any faster, you slugs!
Dorian: Major, a heli simply cannot fare well against a Mig.
General: Return me at once to Siberia!
Dorian: The heli squadron is still following us.
Klaus: Just shut up! We’ll be fine once we’re in American airspace. The chopper pilots don’t want to be shot down as intruders!
Dorian: But, Major, you are flying a Russian aeroplane. Suppose you are shot down!
Klaus: Then NATO will crucify the bloody idiot that did it!
*Can you imagine listening to this exchange with each of them speaking in their native language?*
Secretary: Director, you have a call from the C-I-C of North American Devense.
Chief: Why, yes, I do have a Major Eberbach on my staff. Has he done something over there? (*You have to ask?*) He stole a Mig in Siberia? Slendid. Yes. I see. All in a day’s work for him. He’s very committed you see. All in a day’s work for him. He’s very committed. (hangs up phone) He is the reason I never get promoted.
*Awwwwww Poor woobie.*
Agent A: This is A. Glad you’re fine!
Agent G: Tee hee. Let me talk to him, too.
Klaus: Keep G off the radio! I’m fine!
Bonham: The Earl! ‘E be with you?
Klaus: Why’s the wanker’s men there?
Agent A: Uh… Sheer coincidence, Major. It’s not as if we’re working together. Honest.
*Agent A is a terrible liar. How did he ever get into Intelligence?*
Klaus: Hey, wasn’t he Bonham? Wasn’t he the one who called me old geezer?
James: The man refuses to forget.
Dorian: It must’ve cut him deep.
Klaus: He’s more of a geezer than I am. Compared to him I’m… Humph!
Bonham: (falls under invisible thumping)
Jones: What’s wrong?
Bonham: I dunno. It felt like a lump of iron fell on me ‘ead.
*Wow! The Major also has telekinetic powers!*
Dorian: Major, you don’t suppose they will start a dogfight, do you?
Klaus: Neither superpower is stupid enough to start a war. Both are well aware a small spark can escalate into an uncontrollable fire.
*Why, Major, that's positively poetic.*
Mischa: Rather than upset the peaceful coexistence of the US and the USSR, it’s better to let them have one Mig and one General.
Soviet officer: The General was abducted, but they’ll only accuse him of unlawful entry and deport him. Of course the Americanskis will debrief him thoroughly about our air force.
*The General was already stationed in Siberia. Where will they exile him to when he gets back?*
General: I have two old parents, a mother-in-law, and five old maids to take care of!
Dorian: Yes, yes, I understand.
*You’d think he’d want to leave all that behind.*
Dorian: Thank you for the escort. You are our savior. Cheers.
Klaus: Give back those plates, you thief!
James: As if! I was almost killed saving them.
Klaus: You bloody tightwad. You can still end up that way! (FAN: Scrooge! You dare disobey me!?)
Dorian: I’m terribly crushed [by] this goodbye-particularly after we spent the night together.
*sigh*
Klaus: Those dirty, rotten ingrates! They have the gall to run-after I saved them?! Forgive him? Sod it! I’ve had enough. I’m shooting him down!
US Pilot: Major Eberbach, please restrain your belligerence. You are in American airspace. (FAN: Major Eberbach, this is America. Don’t do anything violent.) *Yeah! That’s our jurisdiction! No, wait...*
Klaus: Drat!
*So much for knowing how to exercise restraint.*
Klaus: I want every inch of the terrain covered! You will find him.! Unless, of course, you want to stay here in Alaska-for the rest of your life! (*Note the looming storm cloud behind the Major.*)
Agent A: The Earl doesn’t give up easy, either. Right from Siberia to somewhere in the mountains.
Agent B: Lakes. Mountains. Fields. I am sick and tired of the great outdoors.
*But not the author, who seems to enjoy drawing all the lovely outdoor images.*
James: (about the General) You didn’t have to be so nice.
Dorian: I felt sorry for him.
James: He probably didn’t deserve his command, you know.
*Gee, you think?*
Dorian: (carrying crate) James, do you not feel sorry for me?
James: You look like your having fun.
Dorian: This is dreadfully heavy.
James: Oh, really?
Dorian: My Nanny never let me lift anything heavier than a silver spoon.
James: I never lifted anything heavier than a calculator.
Dorian: I cannot do forty chin-ups.
James: I can’t do a single one.
*I can’t believe Dorian is trying to out whine James!*
James: You spent the night together! I'll never forgive you! Never!
Dorian: Er...James. You have it wrong. We only shared a bed.
James: You slept together?!
Dorian: With him on top, yes.
James: Him on top?! You, on the bottom?! Gads! (FAN: Eeek! Rolling up and down on top of each other, were you!?)
*Oh, the visual of the fan version. As for the CMX one, it seems even James knows that Dorian is a top.*
Dorian: For heaven’s sake, it was a bunk bed. Unfortunately.
Jones: James, why’d you make the Earl carry these all by himself?
James: Humph.
Bonham: What be up with ‘im? ‘E seems out of sorts.
Dorian: He is offended I am afraid.
Bonham: Oy, matey. No ‘arm was meant.
Jones: Yeah, it was NATO and he FBI that didn’t want you.
James: Nobody wants me! Boo hoo!
Bonham: That wasn’t it?
Jones: It’s like tiptoeing through a minefield.
*They forgot that Dorian has the James code book.*
James: I want the flags bleached and washed in salt. We’re not going to a dinner party, so dress like fishermen. I want it to look completely real.
(*The way the Eroica gang is dressed on this boat makes me laugh.*)
Bonham: Should you be allowing that?
Dorian: It is straight out of the books outlining how to deal with James.
*You probably should lend them out to your men, Dorian.*
Dorian: We can forget about our troubles-in Hawaii. (to James) If, of course, that’s alright with you.
James: Sure. No problem. Hawaii? Anytime. Heh heh heh heh.
Dorian: See?
Bonham: Brilliant.
*At times, Dorian speaks fluent James. ;-D*
Air Force Officer: Major Eberbach, will you please stop that incessant pacing? I feel like I’m talking to a bear in a zoo.
Klaus: Are you insinuating I’m a Russian?
Agent B: We get the sea after the mountains and lakes. I’m going to retch if I get any more fresh air.
(Agent A is thrown against the Major by the pitching ship.)
Agent A: Sorry, sir!
Klaus: (slaps A) What were you trying to do, you sick pervert! (*The man definitely has space issues.*)
(Agent G [?] falls against the Major’s back.)
Klaus: What? Another one?
Agent G: Let me hold you, sir! (FAN: Sorry, sir. Please excuse me hanging onto you for a second, Major.)
Klaus: The swaying is not an excuse to lose your balance! Put your backs into it, you spineless wimps! Agent G, that was on purpose! (FAN: Don’t let the rolling ship make you stumble, wimps! Put the pressure in your crotch and stand up straight, chickens! [*Oh, Major! melts*] That’s very presumptuous, G!)
*Note G’s hands clinging to the Major’s arm. Also note that the Major doesn’t slap G. Does he equate that with hitting a woman?*
Klaus: Full speed ahead! We’re going to settle it here! They burned us in Alaska! We’re burning them on the Pacific!
*And he sails straight into the eye of a tropical storm. How very dramatic.*
Dorian: Hoist the Jolly Roger! The blood of English pirates runs hot through my veins!
James: Stand and fight?! No! This is a fishing boat!
*Mr. James seems to be returning to normal.*
Klaus: I’ll send them to the bottom-plates and all. Get ready to fire the torpedoes!
Agent A: We don’t have torpedoes. It’s a training vessel.
Agent B: No machine guns, either.
Klaus: Ram them! (FAN: KAMIKAZEEE!!)
*Nothing is ever halfway with you, is it, Major?*
James: He’s come for the plates! They’re mine-all mine!
Dorian: He shall try to ram us, Bonham. Do dodge him. Show the Major how we British have traditionally excelled in Naval warfare.
*I’m glad CMX didn’t have him boasting about the Falklands, which was in 1982.*
Dorian: I am descended from pirates. My buccaneering ancestors will roll over in their graves if I could not at least manage a trawler.
Bonham: Do you know what you be doin’?
Dorian: Trust me! I am descended from…
James: Who could ever trust you!
Klaus: That ruddy lunatic is coming straight for us!
*The sound you hear is Dorian’s ancestors spinning in their graves.*
Bonham: Waugh! It be the Major!
Dorian: How dare you forsake me?!
James: Staying alive is more important!
*Finally! James is actually talking sense. Now that’s scary.*
Agent B: Head for anywhere safe!
Klaus: Hey! No running in the face of the enemy!
Agent A: Major, I’m not leaving this spot.
Klaus: My back is not a safety zone.
*Oh my... Dare I say it?*
Klaus: Are you sure you’re descended from pirates?
Dorian: So my family tree says.
Klaus: Get it looked at again!
Agent A: The ship’s going down!
Klaus: Don’t grab onto me! Get in the lifeboats!
*If he’s Iron Klaus, won’t he sink like…well, iron? Sorry.*
Eroica member: Earl, We’ve moved the art collection to the lifeboat! Save yourself!
*Is it sad that I never noticed this. I always thought the art was lost-again.*
Klaus: Hey! Gimme those plates back!
James: Never! I’m not letting go of these plates-even if it kills me!
Klaus: Well said. Stay still!
*Shoot! Shoot!*
Dorian: Major, do stay calm, whatever I do.
Klaus: I am always calm under fire.
*cough*
Klaus: This time it’s certain. I can finally go home.
*Always so stoic.*
(Dorian grabs the Major again.)
Klaus: Waugh! Get off of me! You already did what you had to!
*Calm under fire, is he?*
Agent B: Why is this one so packed? That one’s almost empty.
Agent A: Then why don’t you go, B?
Agent B: Never!
Alphabet: None of us wants to go.
James: Earl, that was low. You misled me! I can’t believe it!
Dorian: I had to, to save your life.
Klaus: (sulks) It was low. Just thinking about it gives me the willies.
Dorian: You managed to accomplish your mission, so it worked out.
Klaus: How can you be so flippant? I can’t believe how often you got in my way this time!
Dorian: Yes. It was quite a lark. I have some priceless memories now.
Klaus: Yeah? Well, I’m not your source of amusement!
*You’re not?*
Dorian: (thinks) You would most probably leap overboard and drown yourself if I were to tell you it was at your place.
*He'd probably strangle you first.*
Klaus: Tell me!
Dorian: If you go on about this any longer, I shall let it slip Mischa knocked you out. I shall inadvertently reveal that you were out for quite awhile.
Klaus: (sulks) You dirty, despicable sod. I loathe you with all being. (FAN: What a nasty, shrewd bastard. That’s why I hate you with passion!!)
Dorian: I love you with all my being. Daaarling. (FAN: I like you with passion, though, Major...)
*It seems Dorian calling the Major “Darling” is finally canon. Although in the original Japanese, Dorian says, “Major.”*
Dorian: Major, sit back and enjoy this tropical weather. (FAN: Let’s enjoy the luxury of our vacation on the South Pacific as it is, Major.)
Klaus: Shut up! I want to get away from you a go home as fast as I can! (FAN: Shut up! I just wanna say good fucking bye to you and go back to Germany as soon as possible!)
- - - - - - - - - -
END STORY NINE
- - - - - - - - - -
NOTE: These are all being saved to the community's memories to make it easier to locate any one particular story.
Side Story One - Special Vacation Orders
Story 9 Part 2b
ALASKAN FRONT
Typos:
Page 112 - [The] greater the risk, the greater the thrill, I say.
Missing word
Page 177 - James is ere,[1] too. Do you want to talk to him?
[1]here *Unlike Bonham, Dorian does not drop his H's.*
Page 184 - I’m terribly crushed [by] this goodbye-
Missing word.
- - - - - - - - - - The Royal we - - - - - - - - - -
The Royal we -- It’s contagious! Now JAMES is doing it!
Page 125 - CMX - What a cramped bed. I daresay, I hope you shan't fall on us.
FAN - What a tiny cot. Don’t fall down on me, will you, Major?
Page 134 - CMX - We shall spring a surprise on Mischa. (. . .) We will do the unexpected. We use it to create a diversion. Leave it to me. *At first I thought Dorian meant himself and the Major, then it seemed more like he was referring to himself.*
FAN - I’ll shock Misha. I’ll do something Misha hasn’t even dreamed of, and attack at the moment of his shock. I...will do it.
Page 137 - CMX - The Earl’s extravagance will be the death of us!
FAN - I always have to suffer from the Earl’s squandering!
Page 141 - CMX - You have proven to be the better of us.
FAN - Learned a hard lesson that I’m not a match for you, haven’t I?
- - - - - - - - - - Comments, observations, and gripes - - - - - - - - - -
--> While not exactly stated, several hours had to’ve passed from the point in time when the Major’s men find him to when they fly to the Bering Sea. The length of time is alluded to by Agent Z when he reports that they have not stopped but for the odd break. It is obviously enough time for the Major to get some rest, get cleaned up, have his wound seen to, and change his clothes. He and Dorian are wearing different clothes at the coast, and then change into something more practical before climbing down the cliff.
--> Page 115 - Random panel. When Agent Z calls in to report that is Mischa going down to the sea, he and Bonham are wearing parkas that are more appropriate for Agent G. After this, they are dressed “normally.”
--> Page 123 - The Major and Dorian are locked in a cabin by the KGB. I think this is the first time we see the Major genuinely worried. It is at this point that we learn exactly why the KGB is so keen on getting Iron Klaus to Moscow in one piece. And if my theory about him having total recall is true…
--> Page 127 - The Alphabet and Eroica gang all end up together at a US Naval Base. There are no longer any Navy bases in Alaska, but the last one was located at Massacre Bay on Attu Island, which is all the way at the very tip of the Aleutian Islands. It also happens to be the location of the last battle on US sovereign soil against the Japanese during World War Two. You didn’t know that Eroica was crack and history rolled into one, did you? ;-D
--> Page 135 - James sits in a rubber raft calling for the Earl. The pillow he is sitting on has, instead of patches, DM, $, £, and ¥ printed all over it. They are the monetary symbols for Deutsch Mark, Dollar, Pound, and Yen, respectively.
--> Page 138 - Somehow James manages to catch up with a nuclear powered submarine using only a rubber raft, which he does not seem to be rowing. I looked at a National Geographic atlas (that just happened to have been published in 1981) and discovered that Attu Island is directly across the Bering Sea from the peninsula where the Russian base is located. It is also much further south of where Mischa and his men would have hit the coast after their westerly drive to rendezvous with the sub picked them up. So it MIGHT be possible for James to have been floating around when the sub arrived on its journey south. Then again, I might just forget about dispelling disbelief and just clap my hands. “I do believe in fairies. I do believe in fairies…”
--> Page 138 - After he says “Huh?” James’ next two lines are reversed, which explains why they don’t quite make sense.
--> Page 161 - Can ANYBODY tell me how the hell Dorian gets that HUGE crate out of the jeep and into the helicopter WITHOUT being seen? (And the hammerspace is not an expectable answer.) The Major tells him to steal a chopper and leave the art collection. Later on, when Dorian has to carry the crate, he whines to James about how heavy it is. (Although, he didn’t seemed to have a problem carrying the Pope.) The crate itself gets progressively smaller as the story goes on. Check its size behind the Soviet soldiers (page 117), in the back of the Jeep (page 156), when Dorian is carrying it (page 186 & 187), and when Bonham and Jones carry it (page 189).
--> Page 163 -As Dorian watches the Major fly off in the Mig, he waves and says, “Thank you!” But…he doesn’t. In the original Japanese version, he says “Good Luck!” I know this because it is written in English! What the hell possessed CMX to replace it? [/rant]
--> Page 171 - Panels 2 and 3, the Major’s lines are reversed. It should read, “You lousy shots! Look where you’re shooting! No bloody way I’m letting a chopper shoot down an interceptor. Or maybe you want to get nailed by one of your own!”
--> Page 202 - The dramatic confrontation begins. The Major’s ship appears, sailing through the eye of a tropical storm. Dorian stands, waxing poetic before a background of roses. While this is going on, the Eroica gang raises the colors. Well, sort of. I am amused at the difference between what we see them raise to the “flags” the Major actually sees.
--> Page 204 - Personal aside, because it’s just so silly. Somehow, the Major is able to discern that it is Bonham at the wheel of Dorian’s boat and gives him The Look™. Bonham feels it and realizes the Major is glaring at him from who knows how far away. Maybe the Major’s looks really can kill.
--> Page 206 - Dorian proves yet again that he is a klutz with all things mechanical, including fishing boats. I adore the look on the Major’s face as the ships collide. I am also glad that CMX did not remove the artwork of the collision noise with the faces of all the horrified subordinates within.
--> Page 208 - Dorian-narcissistic, self-centered, and shallow? He learns James is missing and starts a frantic search as the boat sinks. He is told that the artwork is safe, having been moved to a lifeboat. But Dorian continues looking for James. There has to be more to their relationship, but I don’t really want to go there. It does, however, give him a great excuse to grab onto the Major, who, despite being horrified, does not panic.
--> Page 213 - With so many hilarious moments in this story, the ending is just the icing on the cake. The Eroica gang and the Major’s Alphabet all piled up on two rafts and a lifeboat while Dorian, James, and the Major occupy the third raft floating some distance from the others. Nobody wants anything to do with any of them. ;-D
--> Page 217 - Agent Smith’s daughter Mary is holding a bear that was the mascot of the 1980 Moscow Olympics - Bear Cub Misha. While I realize KGB agent Mischa the Bear Cub got his name from this bear, I am more amused by the fact that Mary actually has one, considering the USA boycott the Moscow Games. [sarcasm] Thank you again, President Carter. [/sarcasm]
- - - - - - - - - - The Quotes !- - - - - - - - - -
Klaus: Where are you requisitioning all of those cars?!
Agent Z: Someone who specializes in stealing is…
Bonham: Z, don’t be telling ‘im about me.
Agent Z: We’re improvising, sir.
Klaus: (at the Bering Sea) On the other side is the Soviet Union. I can tell you right now, things are going to get ugly. I'm not saying this to get rid of you, but let this go. It's no longer something a civilian should be involved in. (FAN: Russia’s across the water. If my prediction’s correct, we’re gonna have a very complicated problem unless we handle it right. Lord Gloria, I’m telling you. Get out of this. ‘S not a job for a civilian thief any more.)
*Why, Major, you sound like you actually care.*
Dorian: [The] greater the risk, greater the thrill, I say. (*So that’s why you’re after the Major!*)
Klaus: You’re not going to live long with that attitude.
Dorian: Longer than you. I am not a chain smoker.
Klaus: Fruitcakes develop beer guts. (*Everything is black and white to you, isn’t it?*)
Dorian: I do not add ten lumps of sugar to my coffee.
Klaus: Huh? Who are you talking about?
Dorian: A friend of mine’s boss.
Klaus: Gee, there are more twisted superiors out there than I’d thought.
Agent A: They must be discussing something serious, like the East-West question.
*Almost gave the game away, Dorian. And A’s observation tickles me. Do they really look that serious?*
Klaus: It’s a Soviet nuclear sub.
Dorian: I see what you mean by “ugly.”
*Doesn’t even have the beauty of polished steel, does it?*
Klaus: You don’t have much to worry about. The KGB will want to exploit your skills.
Dorian: Absolutely not. I do this because I enjoy it. My philosophy is to live as I choose, free of any fetters. My pride would never allow me to be a KGB lackey. (*Note the background of roses as he waxes romantic.*)
Klaus: They don’t give a toss about what you think. They’ll take your hare-brained ideas and brainwash it in red. If that doesn’t’ work, they’ll send you to an asylum. They’ll put you in the middle of nowhere and that’s it. You’ll never get out.
*And the roses collapse around the Earl as reality sets in.*
Dorian: How nightmarish! An Iron Curtain comes down on my brilliant act as thief extraordinaire? How tragic!
Klaus: Spare me.
*He’s so sympathetic.*
Klaus: I'll sleep here. You're on the bottom.
*has giggle fit*
Dorian: You are a soldier, through and through. You are utterly unfazed by all this.
Klaus: (leans over side of bed and glares) Hey!
Dorian: Waugh!
Klaus: Don’t you dare try anything during the night-or else!
*Well, not completely unfazed, apparently. ;-D*
Dorian: That man can sleep anywhere. But, what was that sound? It was disturbing to say the least.
*But…I thought the Major was supposed to have a lovely baritone singing voice. ;-D*
Agent Smith: We have somebody we’d like to transfer to your custody. I believe your Major knows him. It’s James.
Agent A: No!
Bonham: The FBI ‘ad ‘im?
*I love how everyone refers to James as a thing after this.*
Jones: We don’t want it!
Bonham: Agent A, turn ‘em down!
Agent A: We’re in the middle of a stakeout. We can’t take it.
Agent B: The Major will be furious if we do.
Agent Smith: You have to. We have enough as it is.
Agent A: It’s your problem. Not ours! We’re not taking it!
Agent Smith: Too late! It’s already aboard a helicopter and is on its way. It should be arriving any time now.
FBI Chief: Somebody get a chopper ready.
*I’m so glad I’m not the only one who finds James loathsome. ;-P*
James: You’re the only one here to pick me up?
Agent G: Humph!
James: Nobody likes me.
Agent G: I didn’t want to be here, but we drew lots. And, I lost. No one wants to deal with you.
Agent G: (wails) The Major! The Major! The Earl! The Earl! The two people I love the most!
*I never realized G was a drama queen. Sorry.*
Dorian: Still, if a comely young seaman were to serve us, I would warmly welcome him. Do you have any delectable cabin boys?
Russian sailor: The Captain has warned them explicitly to avoid this cabin. He doesn't want the men of tomorrow contaminated by the corrupt airs of the west.
Klaus: The Captain's right. Earl, you're a threat to healthy young men everywhere-East or West. A germ.
Dorian: I dare say, I would lose my appetite if that geezer attended every meal.
Everyone: James? Adrift in the Bering Sea?!
Navy Officer: According to the report, he insists on finding the Russian Sub alone.
Bonham: Please, let ‘im be… (sob)…’e be just a poor lad.
Navy Officer: But, we’re-
Bonham: No. Just consider ‘im floating debris.
*snicker*
James: NATO doesn’t want me. The FBI doesn’t want me. Even the Navy doesn’t want me. But, that’s okay-as long as I find the Earl.
*He is devoted, kind of…*
James: Huh? I feel like I’m being spied on. (sees periscope) Waugh! I’m being spied on from there? Don’t stare! I can’t concentrate! Or are you the IRS?!
*It’s the sub you’re looking for, you moron!*
James: Oh, Earl! I’m so relieved you’re safe and sound! It must be a blessing from the gods of wealth.
*I am amused by the others' expressions in the panels above. Yeah, they’re overjoyed, aren’t they?*
Dorian: I am...touched. Words fail me in expressing my “surprise.”
Klaus: You shouldn’t have picked up that reject. You’ll regret you ever did.
Mischa: Dah.
*A red letter day! The Major and Mischa agree on something.*
Sub Captain: Is this man sick?
Klaus: Very. You’d better quarantine him right away.
Mischa: Dah.
*has giggle fit*
James: Never! I’m not leaving the Earl’s side.
Dorian: You shall be with the Major.
James: (recoils) NEVER!
*I love the fact that the Major keeps his back to him the whole time.*
James: Quarantine me! Somewhere! Anywhere! I won’t even mind if you put me in the foulest, dirtiest place on the sub.
Sub Captain: It seems the West has people we can’t even begin to fathom.
Klaus: The West doesn’t understand him either.
*Is it possible James is an alien?*
Klaus: I was getting sick of being a good boy.
Mischa: You're charming even when you're pretending to be a good boy. (FAN: Your being a good boy is very cute.)
*Cute? twitch*
Mischa: Major, what do you make of him?
Klaus: Let the wanker suffer! Don’ let him see them! Besides, they’re German cultural legacies! (*That were probably stolen by the Nazis in the first place.*)
Dorian: It is I who is asking Mischa! Stay out of this, you Philistine! (FAN: I’m asking Mischa. You don’t understand art at all, so shut up!)
*I love the Major’s expression when Dorian yells at him.*
Dorian: Major, I’m sure even you can appreciate this painting. Just look at the exquisite contrast formed by her body’s white radiance against the blue cloth.
Klaus: Hmph.
Mischa: I like it as well. It speaks volumes.
Klaus: Volumes? I’ll say. She’s fat. It’s unhealthy to have a beer gut like that.
*Oh, Major, you’re just so you!*
Mischa: I’m impressed with the way you refuse to give up. How about giving it a rest?
Klaus: Giving up is what fools do.
Mischa: Yours is just a foolish struggle.
*That’s what you think.*
(The Major dumps Dorian on the bed.)
Dorian: Ow!
Klaus: You were conscious.
Dorian: Could you not have put me down more gently? My head hurts. (FAN: Why can’t you throw me a little more gently? My head hurts…)
Klaus: Whatever. Still, you did well. I felt it. *Oh, my…* (FAN: You did it, didn’t you. I felt it on my shoulder.)
Dorian: So you did. (FAN: Yeah. Here it is.)
Klaus: Likewise. (FAN: I got one, too.)
Klaus: Real men don’t cry over destroyed paintings. Think about it in the bigger scheme of things. You have an hour to get over it, then pull yourself together. (FAN: A grown man doesn’t get depressed about destroying a painting or two. Just consider the success of the operation. It WAS a success. Come out to the surface in an hour. Understand!?)
*This is as supportive as he gets, folks.*
Klaus: Banished to Siberia?
Dorian: Dreadful, really.
James: Not Siberia! No! There are frozen mammoths-but no supermarkets!
Mischa: Somebody shut him up.
*Please, somebody!*
General: My dear Mischa!
Mischa: My dear Nikolaivich!
(The Russians bear hug.)
James: They’re old friends? (FAN: Are those two lovers or something?)
Dorian: It is a typical Russian greeting.
Klaus: Spare me.
*I love the background of flowers behind the Russians at the beginning of this scene.*
Mischa: So much for NATO’s Iron Klaus. Ha ha ha ha. There it is, right in front of you, but you can’t do a thing.
Klaus: I’ve had enough. (FAN: Lord Gloria, I’m coming out to the surface, too.)
*You could’ve stopped at coming out, Major. ;-D*
General: Don’t destroy my base too much!
Klaus: Shut up! You want your head blown off?!
*Iron Klaus: One man wrecking crew.*
Pilot: It’s my Mig! No! You can’t have it! You can’t-!
KA-POW!
Klaus: Sorry. I’m going back to Alaska.
*I’ll bet he never thought he’d ever be saying that.*
Klaus: Mission accomplished-plus I’ve managed to steal a Mig 25. I couldn’t feel better.The wanker’s chopper is so far away it makes me feel good. Good riddance.
*I would like to pause here to allow the Major this all too brief moment of bliss…*
James: It’s a sin to destroy money! Money’s more valuable than life itself. Heh heh heh heh.
*I’ll bet James knows all 286 Rules of Acquisition.*
Klaus: I can’t believe this. Mischa will get the plates back! I can’t believe this is happening! Why me?! (FAN: What the fuck! If they get caught, the negative’ll go back to Misha again…!! WHAT THE FUCK!!)
*The fan version is just a tad stronger here, don’t you think?*
James: Earl, the Major is coming back.
Dorian: Good show, chap! You did not forsake us after all! Thank you!
Klaus: You blithering idiot! (FAN: IDIOOOTS!!)
James: I say we surrender to the Russians. (fan translation: Let’s surrender to the Russians. He horrifies me!)
*ROFLMAO*
Klaus: I don’t want to be doing this, but I’m escorting you back to Alaska! Keep flying due east. (FAN: Very reluctantly, I’m gonna guard you to Alaska. Just keep going east!)
Dorian: Major, you mustn’t start a war! Find a peaceful way!
Klaus: Shut up, you civilian! You’re not in a position to complain! That was just a warning shot. I know how to exercise restraint. (FAN: Remember, you’re being guarded by ME, civilian! ‘S just a threat. Don’t lecture me. I’m a military man with common sense!)
James: You, a person of restraint? You give new meaning to “restraint.” (FAN: A man with common sense can’t be like that, though. When YOU say that, common sense’ll cry…)
*Personally, I’m going with the restraint comment because, well… Do I have to explain?*
General: HELP! Listen! I have two old parents, a wife of thirty years, and five unmarried daughters to take care of! I want to retire-alive!
Mig Pilot: Sir, could you refrain from demoralizing comments?
General: I don’t want to make a widow out of my wife!
Mig Pilot: I understand, sir. But...
Klaus: Stop whimpering and haul your behinds back to Alaska! Hurry up before I decide to start shooting at you!
*The whimpering of the Soviet General tickles me. The Eastern block is obviously just thugs, ugly geezers, and wimps.*
(The US Air Defense picks up the Major and Earl’s radio traffic.)
Klaus: Can’t you go any faster, you slugs!
Dorian: Major, a heli simply cannot fare well against a Mig.
General: Return me at once to Siberia!
Dorian: The heli squadron is still following us.
Klaus: Just shut up! We’ll be fine once we’re in American airspace. The chopper pilots don’t want to be shot down as intruders!
Dorian: But, Major, you are flying a Russian aeroplane. Suppose you are shot down!
Klaus: Then NATO will crucify the bloody idiot that did it!
*Can you imagine listening to this exchange with each of them speaking in their native language?*
Secretary: Director, you have a call from the C-I-C of North American Devense.
Chief: Why, yes, I do have a Major Eberbach on my staff. Has he done something over there? (*You have to ask?*) He stole a Mig in Siberia? Slendid. Yes. I see. All in a day’s work for him. He’s very committed you see. All in a day’s work for him. He’s very committed. (hangs up phone) He is the reason I never get promoted.
*Awwwwww Poor woobie.*
Agent A: This is A. Glad you’re fine!
Agent G: Tee hee. Let me talk to him, too.
Klaus: Keep G off the radio! I’m fine!
Bonham: The Earl! ‘E be with you?
Klaus: Why’s the wanker’s men there?
Agent A: Uh… Sheer coincidence, Major. It’s not as if we’re working together. Honest.
*Agent A is a terrible liar. How did he ever get into Intelligence?*
Klaus: Hey, wasn’t he Bonham? Wasn’t he the one who called me old geezer?
James: The man refuses to forget.
Dorian: It must’ve cut him deep.
Klaus: He’s more of a geezer than I am. Compared to him I’m… Humph!
Bonham: (falls under invisible thumping)
Jones: What’s wrong?
Bonham: I dunno. It felt like a lump of iron fell on me ‘ead.
*Wow! The Major also has telekinetic powers!*
Dorian: Major, you don’t suppose they will start a dogfight, do you?
Klaus: Neither superpower is stupid enough to start a war. Both are well aware a small spark can escalate into an uncontrollable fire.
*Why, Major, that's positively poetic.*
Mischa: Rather than upset the peaceful coexistence of the US and the USSR, it’s better to let them have one Mig and one General.
Soviet officer: The General was abducted, but they’ll only accuse him of unlawful entry and deport him. Of course the Americanskis will debrief him thoroughly about our air force.
*The General was already stationed in Siberia. Where will they exile him to when he gets back?*
General: I have two old parents, a mother-in-law, and five old maids to take care of!
Dorian: Yes, yes, I understand.
*You’d think he’d want to leave all that behind.*
Dorian: Thank you for the escort. You are our savior. Cheers.
Klaus: Give back those plates, you thief!
James: As if! I was almost killed saving them.
Klaus: You bloody tightwad. You can still end up that way! (FAN: Scrooge! You dare disobey me!?)
Dorian: I’m terribly crushed [by] this goodbye-particularly after we spent the night together.
*sigh*
Klaus: Those dirty, rotten ingrates! They have the gall to run-after I saved them?! Forgive him? Sod it! I’ve had enough. I’m shooting him down!
US Pilot: Major Eberbach, please restrain your belligerence. You are in American airspace. (FAN: Major Eberbach, this is America. Don’t do anything violent.) *Yeah! That’s our jurisdiction! No, wait...*
Klaus: Drat!
*So much for knowing how to exercise restraint.*
Klaus: I want every inch of the terrain covered! You will find him.! Unless, of course, you want to stay here in Alaska-for the rest of your life! (*Note the looming storm cloud behind the Major.*)
Agent A: The Earl doesn’t give up easy, either. Right from Siberia to somewhere in the mountains.
Agent B: Lakes. Mountains. Fields. I am sick and tired of the great outdoors.
*But not the author, who seems to enjoy drawing all the lovely outdoor images.*
James: (about the General) You didn’t have to be so nice.
Dorian: I felt sorry for him.
James: He probably didn’t deserve his command, you know.
*Gee, you think?*
Dorian: (carrying crate) James, do you not feel sorry for me?
James: You look like your having fun.
Dorian: This is dreadfully heavy.
James: Oh, really?
Dorian: My Nanny never let me lift anything heavier than a silver spoon.
James: I never lifted anything heavier than a calculator.
Dorian: I cannot do forty chin-ups.
James: I can’t do a single one.
*I can’t believe Dorian is trying to out whine James!*
James: You spent the night together! I'll never forgive you! Never!
Dorian: Er...James. You have it wrong. We only shared a bed.
James: You slept together?!
Dorian: With him on top, yes.
James: Him on top?! You, on the bottom?! Gads! (FAN: Eeek! Rolling up and down on top of each other, were you!?)
*Oh, the visual of the fan version. As for the CMX one, it seems even James knows that Dorian is a top.*
Dorian: For heaven’s sake, it was a bunk bed. Unfortunately.
Jones: James, why’d you make the Earl carry these all by himself?
James: Humph.
Bonham: What be up with ‘im? ‘E seems out of sorts.
Dorian: He is offended I am afraid.
Bonham: Oy, matey. No ‘arm was meant.
Jones: Yeah, it was NATO and he FBI that didn’t want you.
James: Nobody wants me! Boo hoo!
Bonham: That wasn’t it?
Jones: It’s like tiptoeing through a minefield.
*They forgot that Dorian has the James code book.*
James: I want the flags bleached and washed in salt. We’re not going to a dinner party, so dress like fishermen. I want it to look completely real.
(*The way the Eroica gang is dressed on this boat makes me laugh.*)
Bonham: Should you be allowing that?
Dorian: It is straight out of the books outlining how to deal with James.
*You probably should lend them out to your men, Dorian.*
Dorian: We can forget about our troubles-in Hawaii. (to James) If, of course, that’s alright with you.
James: Sure. No problem. Hawaii? Anytime. Heh heh heh heh.
Dorian: See?
Bonham: Brilliant.
*At times, Dorian speaks fluent James. ;-D*
Air Force Officer: Major Eberbach, will you please stop that incessant pacing? I feel like I’m talking to a bear in a zoo.
Klaus: Are you insinuating I’m a Russian?
Agent B: We get the sea after the mountains and lakes. I’m going to retch if I get any more fresh air.
(Agent A is thrown against the Major by the pitching ship.)
Agent A: Sorry, sir!
Klaus: (slaps A) What were you trying to do, you sick pervert! (*The man definitely has space issues.*)
(Agent G [?] falls against the Major’s back.)
Klaus: What? Another one?
Agent G: Let me hold you, sir! (FAN: Sorry, sir. Please excuse me hanging onto you for a second, Major.)
Klaus: The swaying is not an excuse to lose your balance! Put your backs into it, you spineless wimps! Agent G, that was on purpose! (FAN: Don’t let the rolling ship make you stumble, wimps! Put the pressure in your crotch and stand up straight, chickens! [*Oh, Major! melts*] That’s very presumptuous, G!)
*Note G’s hands clinging to the Major’s arm. Also note that the Major doesn’t slap G. Does he equate that with hitting a woman?*
Klaus: Full speed ahead! We’re going to settle it here! They burned us in Alaska! We’re burning them on the Pacific!
*And he sails straight into the eye of a tropical storm. How very dramatic.*
Dorian: Hoist the Jolly Roger! The blood of English pirates runs hot through my veins!
James: Stand and fight?! No! This is a fishing boat!
*Mr. James seems to be returning to normal.*
Klaus: I’ll send them to the bottom-plates and all. Get ready to fire the torpedoes!
Agent A: We don’t have torpedoes. It’s a training vessel.
Agent B: No machine guns, either.
Klaus: Ram them! (FAN: KAMIKAZEEE!!)
*Nothing is ever halfway with you, is it, Major?*
James: He’s come for the plates! They’re mine-all mine!
Dorian: He shall try to ram us, Bonham. Do dodge him. Show the Major how we British have traditionally excelled in Naval warfare.
*I’m glad CMX didn’t have him boasting about the Falklands, which was in 1982.*
Dorian: I am descended from pirates. My buccaneering ancestors will roll over in their graves if I could not at least manage a trawler.
Bonham: Do you know what you be doin’?
Dorian: Trust me! I am descended from…
James: Who could ever trust you!
Klaus: That ruddy lunatic is coming straight for us!
*The sound you hear is Dorian’s ancestors spinning in their graves.*
Bonham: Waugh! It be the Major!
Dorian: How dare you forsake me?!
James: Staying alive is more important!
*Finally! James is actually talking sense. Now that’s scary.*
Agent B: Head for anywhere safe!
Klaus: Hey! No running in the face of the enemy!
Agent A: Major, I’m not leaving this spot.
Klaus: My back is not a safety zone.
*Oh my... Dare I say it?*
Klaus: Are you sure you’re descended from pirates?
Dorian: So my family tree says.
Klaus: Get it looked at again!
Agent A: The ship’s going down!
Klaus: Don’t grab onto me! Get in the lifeboats!
*If he’s Iron Klaus, won’t he sink like…well, iron? Sorry.*
Eroica member: Earl, We’ve moved the art collection to the lifeboat! Save yourself!
*Is it sad that I never noticed this. I always thought the art was lost-again.*
Klaus: Hey! Gimme those plates back!
James: Never! I’m not letting go of these plates-even if it kills me!
Klaus: Well said. Stay still!
*Shoot! Shoot!*
Dorian: Major, do stay calm, whatever I do.
Klaus: I am always calm under fire.
*cough*
Klaus: This time it’s certain. I can finally go home.
*Always so stoic.*
(Dorian grabs the Major again.)
Klaus: Waugh! Get off of me! You already did what you had to!
*Calm under fire, is he?*
Agent B: Why is this one so packed? That one’s almost empty.
Agent A: Then why don’t you go, B?
Agent B: Never!
Alphabet: None of us wants to go.
James: Earl, that was low. You misled me! I can’t believe it!
Dorian: I had to, to save your life.
Klaus: (sulks) It was low. Just thinking about it gives me the willies.
Dorian: You managed to accomplish your mission, so it worked out.
Klaus: How can you be so flippant? I can’t believe how often you got in my way this time!
Dorian: Yes. It was quite a lark. I have some priceless memories now.
Klaus: Yeah? Well, I’m not your source of amusement!
*You’re not?*
Dorian: (thinks) You would most probably leap overboard and drown yourself if I were to tell you it was at your place.
*He'd probably strangle you first.*
Klaus: Tell me!
Dorian: If you go on about this any longer, I shall let it slip Mischa knocked you out. I shall inadvertently reveal that you were out for quite awhile.
Klaus: (sulks) You dirty, despicable sod. I loathe you with all being. (FAN: What a nasty, shrewd bastard. That’s why I hate you with passion!!)
Dorian: I love you with all my being. Daaarling. (FAN: I like you with passion, though, Major...)
*It seems Dorian calling the Major “Darling” is finally canon. Although in the original Japanese, Dorian says, “Major.”*
Dorian: Major, sit back and enjoy this tropical weather. (FAN: Let’s enjoy the luxury of our vacation on the South Pacific as it is, Major.)
Klaus: Shut up! I want to get away from you a go home as fast as I can! (FAN: Shut up! I just wanna say good fucking bye to you and go back to Germany as soon as possible!)
- - - - - - - - - -
END STORY NINE
- - - - - - - - - -
NOTE: These are all being saved to the community's memories to make it easier to locate any one particular story.
Side Story One - Special Vacation Orders