and I am finally seeing, well, that I was the one worth leaving.
i'm going to die alone. that is what i realized today. i dont mean that in a dramatic tragic way either. it's just a realization based on a logical assesment of my emotional and social capabilites and incapabilities.
why do i cry so much these days? it's fricken ridiculous. i cry like several times a week, its pretty much 1st grade but with a much larger less cute version of me. shnap. (ok. i definetly wasnt cute in 1st grade either, ive always been kinda awkward and fugly...but u kno. when little kids are awkward/fugly it's sometimes mercifiully labelled as "cute" or maybe that's just infants...)
today was good, back out doing somthing that at least sort of matters, kind of a purification from the cynical, instant gratification seeking, money wasting, insecure, materialistic, jealous, person i am at school. talking to people who have shared similar experiences, laughing about SCA rules and hippie leaders and what happens when six kids get taken up out society for a month. haha. oh the digressions. ("did u guys swear a lot out there?" "oh...so much. ...espeically at chinese people. we made fun of the chinese a lot" haha holy shit! the things ppl say when the world isnt watching) if i dont die alone i may well die with gabe. yes. gabe grant. AWHELLNOOOOOoooOo (hahha aHHH mr lapsley thinks im insane) he keeps showing up in my life and each time he does i think to myself, hmmm now there is a nice young man. but then just like that he is gone again. I shoveled dirt and wheeled it up hills. i pulled out english ivy. and i planted sedges in a swamp. i met this guy named daru from a country that doesnt exist in Africa. i also almost won birdy on a perch. katy is one strong lady...at first i felt weird like leaping on to the back of a stranger...but then i was like, fuck it! we almost won.
its amazing how fast you become discontent. how fast you get pulled back in. the day we came out of the woods we got a package and there was a cosmogirl in it. and pretty much i went from elite core contened woodsman to pretty much wanting to die in aproximately 4 minutes. i hate that shit. 5 weeks taken down in 4minutes:
"Todo el mundo se pasa la vida pensando el sexo, como si fuera lo único importante. El sexo. Yo igual. Se hacía la romántica, la muy espiritual, pero en el fondo lo único que quería era el sexo."
-Fresa y Chocolate
There is so much else to think about. the world is so amazingly beautiful and just plain full. my god.
Jared. I am a liar. nonchalance is killing me man. you're not going to read this. i will write you a letter.