The truth about Bozo
I never dressed him up in my sister's doll clothes. And I wasn't six years old when I didn't do this.
I've had two track meets this season. We've won both. I've run three races this season. I've won all three. 11:21 two-mile, then my dad came to the next meet to see me win with a 5:02 mile and an 11:45 2-mile. Next meet is on Tuesday...I'm planning to break 5 in the mile or break 11:10 in the 2-mile, depending on which I run. Or, if I'm told to run a half-mile for a change, breaking 2:15 sounds more than reasonable. 2:10 may be closer to where I'm at, but I don't know because I haven't run a half-mile in 11 months. Of course, I said that about the 2-mile, and then I ran 11:21 and won by a minute. We'll see. I will be winning fewer races because the plan for the rest of the season for me is to let me focus on my times, and bringing my mile time to 4:50 and my 2-mile time to 10:50, because those are the qualifying standards for the Western Massachusetts championships. Therefore, I'll be running most of my races with the only teammate who's actually faster than me--Jesse--because people logically will run faster with someone to catch up to. I've been so far ahead of everyone in the last three races that the times are probably a lot slower than what I am capable of. And it will be nice to have Jesse there to see me break 5 in the mile for the first time.
Being a follower of Goc! is a wonderful thing.
Conversation with my dad (the night of the meet he came to watch me win two races):
Session Start: Tue Apr 20 21:30:53 2004
YankeeNutIGN: can you believe this? they finally score runs and it rains [about the Yankees]
dad: bummer, huh...
YankeeNutIGN: by the way, we won 99-46 today
dad: Giambi even smoked one for a double
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: wow - it seemed like aout when we were watching
dad: rout
YankeeNutIGN: we were losing by one point before the running events, but we outscored them in the running events 68-14
YankeeNutIGN: or something like that
YankeeNutIGN: yeah, that was it
dad: well, you helped with that
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: you were awesome
YankeeNutIGN: i got 10 of the 68
YankeeNutIGN: thanks
dad: it was hard watching -- you were a flash
dad: :)
YankeeNutIGN: coach says he wants to focus on the mile for me, now. he thinks that is my best shot at qualifying for the WMass championships
dad: you were fast in that one
YankeeNutIGN: i need to get 12 seconds faster still
dad: you will
YankeeNutIGN: i'm happy with 5:02 for now
dad: me too
YankeeNutIGN: i'll break 5 next week
dad: i'm sure... you are real close
YankeeNutIGN: that was my initial goal back since november
dad: i was inspired by you
dad: i ran today
YankeeNutIGN: awesome
YankeeNutIGN: i love when people tell me that
dad: fastest time
YankeeNutIGN: nice
dad: by 17 secs
YankeeNutIGN: wow
YankeeNutIGN: big difference
dad: i was blazing
dad: i wore red
YankeeNutIGN: haha
dad: i looked like a comet
YankeeNutIGN: or a tomato
dad: ::)
dad: :-D
YankeeNutIGN: and they rang the bell for me
YankeeNutIGN: it was awesome
dad: while you were running?
YankeeNutIGN: i didn't hear it in the mile, but i heard it in the 2-mile
dad: yup, the mile - they were very late, you were already a few hundred yards along
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: i'll definately come to another meet this year
YankeeNutIGN: it was funny - i was bored and alone in the 2-mile in the last lap, so my coach stood there waving his hand like he was ringing a bell, and he ways saying "ding ding ding"
YankeeNutIGN: sounds good
dad: maybe he thinks you are a ding dong
YankeeNutIGN: hope this one wasn't too boring
YankeeNutIGN: heh...maybe
dad: it was real good - especially when you were running
YankeeNutIGN: oh, good
dad: we both [my dad and my stepmom] had a lot of fun - the weather was great - the meet was good....
YankeeNutIGN: weather was perfect
dad: yup - that is why i ran later this afternoon
YankeeNutIGN: the best part was passing the palmer guy in the mile, to take the lead. i get such a rush from doing that.
dad: it was like he was standing still :)
dad: gotta get going.... it was great seeing you this weekend - let's do it again soon, ok?
YankeeNutIGN: yeah, definitely
dad: sllep well----
dad: bye
YankeeNutIGN: goodnight
dad: sleep
dad: bye
Session Close: Tue Apr 20 21:50:36 2004
I'm going to the Yankees-Red Sox game tomorrow. They haven't won a game I've attended since 1995.
Saw the therapist on Wednesday. He was much better than the last one, although we really only got into an overview of the events that brought me there. Next appointment: Monday at 6. Won't be missing track practice.
More inane crap.
If my mom lets asshat back, I'm leaving. She refuses to believe me up to this point, so if that's the drastic measure that will be required for her to figure out that I'm not a liar, then so be it. It's probably healthier for me, although more stressful, anyway.
I'm done writing about the bad shit for now.
Let's see...must keep writing...even if I don't feel like writing, just keep writing...
It doesn't have to be deep. Which makes this the perfect place for a poem I found, that I wrote a long time ago. A little suicide satire...I must have been making fun of the very suicidal thoughts that everyone thinks I'm having now, and this was several years in advance of this entire situation. I can see the future. :O
Here it is:
suicide
they all thought i was slow
but then i won the race
they all thought i was lazy
but now surprise shows on their face
they all thought i was sick
but my body doesn't mind
they all thought i was crazy
but i just needed to unwind
i am a step behind the others
but i never showed my strain
so now they all think i'll succeed
but i'll prove them wrong again
I don't know how old I was, but this was a LONG time ago. Glad I found it, though, because it was worth a laugh due to the coincidence of being able to find it at this point in my life.
Let's see what else I see in my future...I see myself at the age of 26, mentally regressing to the point where I am dressing a cat in my sister's old doll clothes...okay, scratch that idea. Focus on the present for now.
More inane crap.
I ran a hill workout today, and it was 80 degrees and humid. I rocked it, though. Then I almost randomly broke into tears after practice, prior to getting a ride home.
But enough of the bad shit. Hell, my entire family could be reading this. :|
@@@
I must remember to make it perfectly clear to the therapist that so-called "family therapy" is NOT an option. Asshat ruined his chance at that, and it was a painful experience anyway, so screw it. If everyone wants to believe that I'm the only one who needs the help, then help ME. I've been pushing people's attention away from me for so long, that I can probably use it now, although I never really learned how to accept it.
Bad shit. Bad shit. I need more inane crap.
I could use a good, long hug.
I've decided that the world of the game Morrowind is far superior to real life, and I've been playing it quite a bit lately.
I'm all out of juice. Literally, not figuratively.
You know what? Bozo was a hell of a cat, and I miss him. Things didn't start getting bad until after he died. That might have been some sort of life turning point. I remember the day before my mom took him to "put him down," and I was laying in my bed with him bawling my eyes out while trying to explain to him what was happening and all the things I wanted him to know before he left, and how much he meant to me.
I think he's safe with Goc! now.
Coach Mike is convinced that I'm going to qualify for WMass this year. He keeps talking about 4:50. He says 10:50 in the 2-mile will be "easy" but that we're going for 4:50 in the mile because the mile is the big event. I'll qualify for both and decide which to run when the time comes. Mrs. Gauvin told him all about what's going on now, which is probably a good thing. He's keeping me focused on my running goals. He says I've "got a good thing going" and that I "have to stay positive" because "you've done everything you can do."
I feeling like I'm in pretty good physical shape right now, but I'm more depressed than I was before. The only thing I can get myself excited for is the next track meet, always.
I remember when I emailed Coach Mike at the beginning of December, just as I was starting my insane winter training, before anyone realized how hard I was going to work during the snowy months to be ready for the season, and I asked him if he thought breaking 5 in the mile was a reasonable goal for me, and he said "dream big, but start with smaller, short-term goals." I showed him. Screw 5-flat, 4:50 sounds good. Work hard, and love what you work hard for. That's what's important to me. I asked him recently if, when he first met me (back when I was a crappy runner, before I improved faster than anyone he's ever seen), he could have ever imagined that I'd be winning three races for his team and be talking about qualifying for WMass. He said that if I had told him then that I would be doing these things, he would have been supportive but he would have never believed a word of it. "But, I didn't know then how hard you work."
I guess that's the only thing I have going for me right now. Willingness to work harder than everyone else. Unfortunately, to solve the problems that need solving, hard work doesn't cut it. There is nothing for me to work hard at. I have to sit back and wait.
More inane crap.
End.
I've had two track meets this season. We've won both. I've run three races this season. I've won all three. 11:21 two-mile, then my dad came to the next meet to see me win with a 5:02 mile and an 11:45 2-mile. Next meet is on Tuesday...I'm planning to break 5 in the mile or break 11:10 in the 2-mile, depending on which I run. Or, if I'm told to run a half-mile for a change, breaking 2:15 sounds more than reasonable. 2:10 may be closer to where I'm at, but I don't know because I haven't run a half-mile in 11 months. Of course, I said that about the 2-mile, and then I ran 11:21 and won by a minute. We'll see. I will be winning fewer races because the plan for the rest of the season for me is to let me focus on my times, and bringing my mile time to 4:50 and my 2-mile time to 10:50, because those are the qualifying standards for the Western Massachusetts championships. Therefore, I'll be running most of my races with the only teammate who's actually faster than me--Jesse--because people logically will run faster with someone to catch up to. I've been so far ahead of everyone in the last three races that the times are probably a lot slower than what I am capable of. And it will be nice to have Jesse there to see me break 5 in the mile for the first time.
Being a follower of Goc! is a wonderful thing.
Conversation with my dad (the night of the meet he came to watch me win two races):
Session Start: Tue Apr 20 21:30:53 2004
YankeeNutIGN: can you believe this? they finally score runs and it rains [about the Yankees]
dad: bummer, huh...
YankeeNutIGN: by the way, we won 99-46 today
dad: Giambi even smoked one for a double
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: wow - it seemed like aout when we were watching
dad: rout
YankeeNutIGN: we were losing by one point before the running events, but we outscored them in the running events 68-14
YankeeNutIGN: or something like that
YankeeNutIGN: yeah, that was it
dad: well, you helped with that
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: you were awesome
YankeeNutIGN: i got 10 of the 68
YankeeNutIGN: thanks
dad: it was hard watching -- you were a flash
dad: :)
YankeeNutIGN: coach says he wants to focus on the mile for me, now. he thinks that is my best shot at qualifying for the WMass championships
dad: you were fast in that one
YankeeNutIGN: i need to get 12 seconds faster still
dad: you will
YankeeNutIGN: i'm happy with 5:02 for now
dad: me too
YankeeNutIGN: i'll break 5 next week
dad: i'm sure... you are real close
YankeeNutIGN: that was my initial goal back since november
dad: i was inspired by you
dad: i ran today
YankeeNutIGN: awesome
YankeeNutIGN: i love when people tell me that
dad: fastest time
YankeeNutIGN: nice
dad: by 17 secs
YankeeNutIGN: wow
YankeeNutIGN: big difference
dad: i was blazing
dad: i wore red
YankeeNutIGN: haha
dad: i looked like a comet
YankeeNutIGN: or a tomato
dad: ::)
dad: :-D
YankeeNutIGN: and they rang the bell for me
YankeeNutIGN: it was awesome
dad: while you were running?
YankeeNutIGN: i didn't hear it in the mile, but i heard it in the 2-mile
dad: yup, the mile - they were very late, you were already a few hundred yards along
YankeeNutIGN: yeah
dad: i'll definately come to another meet this year
YankeeNutIGN: it was funny - i was bored and alone in the 2-mile in the last lap, so my coach stood there waving his hand like he was ringing a bell, and he ways saying "ding ding ding"
YankeeNutIGN: sounds good
dad: maybe he thinks you are a ding dong
YankeeNutIGN: hope this one wasn't too boring
YankeeNutIGN: heh...maybe
dad: it was real good - especially when you were running
YankeeNutIGN: oh, good
dad: we both [my dad and my stepmom] had a lot of fun - the weather was great - the meet was good....
YankeeNutIGN: weather was perfect
dad: yup - that is why i ran later this afternoon
YankeeNutIGN: the best part was passing the palmer guy in the mile, to take the lead. i get such a rush from doing that.
dad: it was like he was standing still :)
dad: gotta get going.... it was great seeing you this weekend - let's do it again soon, ok?
YankeeNutIGN: yeah, definitely
dad: sllep well----
dad: bye
YankeeNutIGN: goodnight
dad: sleep
dad: bye
Session Close: Tue Apr 20 21:50:36 2004
I'm going to the Yankees-Red Sox game tomorrow. They haven't won a game I've attended since 1995.
Saw the therapist on Wednesday. He was much better than the last one, although we really only got into an overview of the events that brought me there. Next appointment: Monday at 6. Won't be missing track practice.
More inane crap.
If my mom lets asshat back, I'm leaving. She refuses to believe me up to this point, so if that's the drastic measure that will be required for her to figure out that I'm not a liar, then so be it. It's probably healthier for me, although more stressful, anyway.
I'm done writing about the bad shit for now.
Let's see...must keep writing...even if I don't feel like writing, just keep writing...
It doesn't have to be deep. Which makes this the perfect place for a poem I found, that I wrote a long time ago. A little suicide satire...I must have been making fun of the very suicidal thoughts that everyone thinks I'm having now, and this was several years in advance of this entire situation. I can see the future. :O
Here it is:
suicide
they all thought i was slow
but then i won the race
they all thought i was lazy
but now surprise shows on their face
they all thought i was sick
but my body doesn't mind
they all thought i was crazy
but i just needed to unwind
i am a step behind the others
but i never showed my strain
so now they all think i'll succeed
but i'll prove them wrong again
I don't know how old I was, but this was a LONG time ago. Glad I found it, though, because it was worth a laugh due to the coincidence of being able to find it at this point in my life.
Let's see what else I see in my future...I see myself at the age of 26, mentally regressing to the point where I am dressing a cat in my sister's old doll clothes...okay, scratch that idea. Focus on the present for now.
More inane crap.
I ran a hill workout today, and it was 80 degrees and humid. I rocked it, though. Then I almost randomly broke into tears after practice, prior to getting a ride home.
But enough of the bad shit. Hell, my entire family could be reading this. :|
@@@
I must remember to make it perfectly clear to the therapist that so-called "family therapy" is NOT an option. Asshat ruined his chance at that, and it was a painful experience anyway, so screw it. If everyone wants to believe that I'm the only one who needs the help, then help ME. I've been pushing people's attention away from me for so long, that I can probably use it now, although I never really learned how to accept it.
Bad shit. Bad shit. I need more inane crap.
I could use a good, long hug.
I've decided that the world of the game Morrowind is far superior to real life, and I've been playing it quite a bit lately.
I'm all out of juice. Literally, not figuratively.
You know what? Bozo was a hell of a cat, and I miss him. Things didn't start getting bad until after he died. That might have been some sort of life turning point. I remember the day before my mom took him to "put him down," and I was laying in my bed with him bawling my eyes out while trying to explain to him what was happening and all the things I wanted him to know before he left, and how much he meant to me.
I think he's safe with Goc! now.
Coach Mike is convinced that I'm going to qualify for WMass this year. He keeps talking about 4:50. He says 10:50 in the 2-mile will be "easy" but that we're going for 4:50 in the mile because the mile is the big event. I'll qualify for both and decide which to run when the time comes. Mrs. Gauvin told him all about what's going on now, which is probably a good thing. He's keeping me focused on my running goals. He says I've "got a good thing going" and that I "have to stay positive" because "you've done everything you can do."
I feeling like I'm in pretty good physical shape right now, but I'm more depressed than I was before. The only thing I can get myself excited for is the next track meet, always.
I remember when I emailed Coach Mike at the beginning of December, just as I was starting my insane winter training, before anyone realized how hard I was going to work during the snowy months to be ready for the season, and I asked him if he thought breaking 5 in the mile was a reasonable goal for me, and he said "dream big, but start with smaller, short-term goals." I showed him. Screw 5-flat, 4:50 sounds good. Work hard, and love what you work hard for. That's what's important to me. I asked him recently if, when he first met me (back when I was a crappy runner, before I improved faster than anyone he's ever seen), he could have ever imagined that I'd be winning three races for his team and be talking about qualifying for WMass. He said that if I had told him then that I would be doing these things, he would have been supportive but he would have never believed a word of it. "But, I didn't know then how hard you work."
I guess that's the only thing I have going for me right now. Willingness to work harder than everyone else. Unfortunately, to solve the problems that need solving, hard work doesn't cut it. There is nothing for me to work hard at. I have to sit back and wait.
More inane crap.
End.