what has been going on with me.
well, i have been away for some time but now i am here... updating once more. where to start... where to start...
well, lets just go with what was on my mind when i got here.
i found someone. someone whom i never would have thought possible. i found the girl of my dreams. she is tall, pale-skinned, red-headed, able to put me in my place when i need it, is great to my kids, treated me like a person and didn't use me, likes tattoos, likes piercings, thinks i am the most wonderful man in the world, she is bisexual, we finish each others sentences, have phenominal sex, is considerate and caring, likes to have and give personal time away (as is healthy in any relationship), gave me and my girls gifts on a whim and has not forgotten those special days (b-days and such), she is slim and trim, is not able to have kids but wants them (a sad thing but it works for her since i have kids), does yoga, is extremely intelligent, knows where she is going and how to get there, is a non-christian, she can dance, she can sing, she is extremely musically talented, we like a lot of the same kind of music, argues with me but never wanted to go to bed angry at each other, and makes me feel like i have not felt in a long time (i thought i was not capable of feeling that way anymore). i have found 'the one' so far as my thinking is concerned.
then...
things changed, as they always do in life. she became touchy, condesending in attitude and bearing, unwilling to see things from others point-of-view, arguementative, judgmental, blinded by sporadic anger, and depressed. i didn't know what i should do. i was compromising more and more of my health and happiness to try to make her happy. the more i did this, the worse it got. there were times she would say spiteful things to me and then hang up on me. she refused to accept my calls, and she refused to see me. i had no sense of closure and i was lost. i had made a commitment to her like i never have since my ex-wife. i love her, she said she loved me and never wanted to be away from me. she promised to not hurt me. she even asked me to marry her one night. i thought all these things were better and that we were going to make it. she lied. i was hurting and didn't know what to do about it. things were unravelling and i was once more powerless to stop it from happening (as i was in my marriage when it was ending). pouring myself into this failing relationship was draining me and i could not do that for my kids sake. she accused me of not putting her first... i said i was, but i lied. in all reality i was putting my kids first, as any good parent will do. she blamed everything on me and made it well-known by her words and her attitude that she was not willing to take some of the blame on this botched relationship. in the end, she was unwilling to do anything to save it and she reverted to high school games and antics. she used words to turn the knife that was already hilt-deep in my chest. she said things to me that i would have fought others over, she became cruel and haughty. to me, and this might not be true.. but then again it might, she took spiteful happiness from what she was doing to me. i was bleeding once again, a second time in my life, almost as bad as i was when my marriage dissovled.
yet, i still love her. i reserve that part of my heart that she filled in a place inside me and always will (much as i still love my ex-wife but i am not in love with her). i pity her for what she had become and done and she has apologized since but it still remains that she acted and did all those things. that is something i can forgive, but i will never forget. we are still 'friends' of a sorts, but she is very close-lipped and doesn't try to hold the friendship together much either now. my kids ask about her all the time. they have even mistaken their own mothers' voice for hers on the phone and started to call her by a different name. as funny as that sounds (and i got a good chuckle out of it) it is also very sad. she endeared herself to my children so much that they are still asking for her and think of her as a mother-figure. they do not understand what has happened and they will not for a long time. all i can hope on that is time and patience can heal it.
now, i sit here, i pine for her but i do not try to dwell on that fact. it has been several weeks since me and her were together.. possibly a month and a half- i try to not think too hard on it. i know her full name, i know her birthday, i know the way she looks when the light from my indiglo-lighted clock strikes her skin, i can still feel the smoothness of her skin on mine, the ticklings of her breath and hands in my hair... i can still hear her calling me a fucking stupd moron. see what i mean? i remember much of the good times but it is always bittersweet when i get to the bad times. i love her yet,and i yearn to see her, but i will not allow myself to be put down and hurt like that again. she almost broke me... almost broke me as bad as my ex-wife did. i understand why i have stayed single all these years. i ventured out once more into the great big, warm, cuddly, cloud-filled world of love and failed to see the jet-airliner cruising through the clouds before it sucked me up in its intake and shredded me out the other side to fall down to the earth again bereft of any semblence of what i sought.
that is why i stay single.
onward, i have moved in with friends. i have several friends i refer to as family and they do the same. we help one-another and we make sure things are going to be alright for everyone. the two people that are my roomates are two of my 'family'. if it wasn't for them, i would have moved back to the small town my biological family is at. i could not have done this on my own and i thank them repeatedly for helping me. we plan on moving to a bigger place with more rooms so other memebers of the family can come and live with us. we have jokingly referred to it as a type of commune. it will interesting to see this though, as i have one friend that thinks he is the king of the family and trieds to be bossy... then i butt heads with him and let him know he is not going to walk all over people. we love him, but we also know how he is. he is a control-freak and an attention-freak as well. a bad combonation. we shall see how it works out and if he goes to the hospital anytime soon for being an ass. especially now with me being a bit on the edgy side.
my girls are good, they are still in school and are having a tough time of it. they don't want t do homework and they are forcing me to improvise with other members of my 'family' to devise homework for them if they "forget" to bring it home. i can't blame them, they have been through a lot. their mother moved out of state and hardly ever calls them and forgets to to call me if she cancels coming up here and seeing them making them wait and wait and not know where their mother is, their grandparents moved to a different city and hardly get to see them anymore at all, we live in a not-so-nice part of town now and i refuse to let them outside without supervision, my previously-mentioned botched relationship, and now school issues. what more can happen to them? i don't even want to think about it but i have to... god, my mother was right when she said i was going to pay for my raising.
well, that is what has been up with me in a nutshell. i will be back on sometime, i guess.
well, lets just go with what was on my mind when i got here.
i found someone. someone whom i never would have thought possible. i found the girl of my dreams. she is tall, pale-skinned, red-headed, able to put me in my place when i need it, is great to my kids, treated me like a person and didn't use me, likes tattoos, likes piercings, thinks i am the most wonderful man in the world, she is bisexual, we finish each others sentences, have phenominal sex, is considerate and caring, likes to have and give personal time away (as is healthy in any relationship), gave me and my girls gifts on a whim and has not forgotten those special days (b-days and such), she is slim and trim, is not able to have kids but wants them (a sad thing but it works for her since i have kids), does yoga, is extremely intelligent, knows where she is going and how to get there, is a non-christian, she can dance, she can sing, she is extremely musically talented, we like a lot of the same kind of music, argues with me but never wanted to go to bed angry at each other, and makes me feel like i have not felt in a long time (i thought i was not capable of feeling that way anymore). i have found 'the one' so far as my thinking is concerned.
then...
things changed, as they always do in life. she became touchy, condesending in attitude and bearing, unwilling to see things from others point-of-view, arguementative, judgmental, blinded by sporadic anger, and depressed. i didn't know what i should do. i was compromising more and more of my health and happiness to try to make her happy. the more i did this, the worse it got. there were times she would say spiteful things to me and then hang up on me. she refused to accept my calls, and she refused to see me. i had no sense of closure and i was lost. i had made a commitment to her like i never have since my ex-wife. i love her, she said she loved me and never wanted to be away from me. she promised to not hurt me. she even asked me to marry her one night. i thought all these things were better and that we were going to make it. she lied. i was hurting and didn't know what to do about it. things were unravelling and i was once more powerless to stop it from happening (as i was in my marriage when it was ending). pouring myself into this failing relationship was draining me and i could not do that for my kids sake. she accused me of not putting her first... i said i was, but i lied. in all reality i was putting my kids first, as any good parent will do. she blamed everything on me and made it well-known by her words and her attitude that she was not willing to take some of the blame on this botched relationship. in the end, she was unwilling to do anything to save it and she reverted to high school games and antics. she used words to turn the knife that was already hilt-deep in my chest. she said things to me that i would have fought others over, she became cruel and haughty. to me, and this might not be true.. but then again it might, she took spiteful happiness from what she was doing to me. i was bleeding once again, a second time in my life, almost as bad as i was when my marriage dissovled.
yet, i still love her. i reserve that part of my heart that she filled in a place inside me and always will (much as i still love my ex-wife but i am not in love with her). i pity her for what she had become and done and she has apologized since but it still remains that she acted and did all those things. that is something i can forgive, but i will never forget. we are still 'friends' of a sorts, but she is very close-lipped and doesn't try to hold the friendship together much either now. my kids ask about her all the time. they have even mistaken their own mothers' voice for hers on the phone and started to call her by a different name. as funny as that sounds (and i got a good chuckle out of it) it is also very sad. she endeared herself to my children so much that they are still asking for her and think of her as a mother-figure. they do not understand what has happened and they will not for a long time. all i can hope on that is time and patience can heal it.
now, i sit here, i pine for her but i do not try to dwell on that fact. it has been several weeks since me and her were together.. possibly a month and a half- i try to not think too hard on it. i know her full name, i know her birthday, i know the way she looks when the light from my indiglo-lighted clock strikes her skin, i can still feel the smoothness of her skin on mine, the ticklings of her breath and hands in my hair... i can still hear her calling me a fucking stupd moron. see what i mean? i remember much of the good times but it is always bittersweet when i get to the bad times. i love her yet,and i yearn to see her, but i will not allow myself to be put down and hurt like that again. she almost broke me... almost broke me as bad as my ex-wife did. i understand why i have stayed single all these years. i ventured out once more into the great big, warm, cuddly, cloud-filled world of love and failed to see the jet-airliner cruising through the clouds before it sucked me up in its intake and shredded me out the other side to fall down to the earth again bereft of any semblence of what i sought.
that is why i stay single.
onward, i have moved in with friends. i have several friends i refer to as family and they do the same. we help one-another and we make sure things are going to be alright for everyone. the two people that are my roomates are two of my 'family'. if it wasn't for them, i would have moved back to the small town my biological family is at. i could not have done this on my own and i thank them repeatedly for helping me. we plan on moving to a bigger place with more rooms so other memebers of the family can come and live with us. we have jokingly referred to it as a type of commune. it will interesting to see this though, as i have one friend that thinks he is the king of the family and trieds to be bossy... then i butt heads with him and let him know he is not going to walk all over people. we love him, but we also know how he is. he is a control-freak and an attention-freak as well. a bad combonation. we shall see how it works out and if he goes to the hospital anytime soon for being an ass. especially now with me being a bit on the edgy side.
my girls are good, they are still in school and are having a tough time of it. they don't want t do homework and they are forcing me to improvise with other members of my 'family' to devise homework for them if they "forget" to bring it home. i can't blame them, they have been through a lot. their mother moved out of state and hardly ever calls them and forgets to to call me if she cancels coming up here and seeing them making them wait and wait and not know where their mother is, their grandparents moved to a different city and hardly get to see them anymore at all, we live in a not-so-nice part of town now and i refuse to let them outside without supervision, my previously-mentioned botched relationship, and now school issues. what more can happen to them? i don't even want to think about it but i have to... god, my mother was right when she said i was going to pay for my raising.
well, that is what has been up with me in a nutshell. i will be back on sometime, i guess.