(no subject)
I heard rain all day.
I didn't want to like it, at first. I scorned it. I was upset to have to drive in it.
But after I got to school and cried, I told the Design teacher how I felt. I told her this past weekend was as awful as it could possibly be, and I told her that I didn't want to make art anymore, and I didn't know why. She told me to follow her to the back room to talk, so I did.
I told her the gist of everything that had happened this past weekend. And of what I felt. I bawled the whole time. I told her I felt silly for it. I felt ridiculous and stupid. But she told me to give myself some credit. That it was normal to be upset about it, and that feelings change... This would change too. And she told me something that really did help... She said it took her hundreds of dollars of therapy to figure this out, but...
"Take everything one step at a time," she said. She told me that if I was overwhelmed, with the enormity of everything I had to do or get around or over or through or what have you, all staring me in the face... She told me that I had to force myself to pick one thing to start with, one thing to focus on, and nothing else. She said, if you can't get out of bed and all of this stuff is glaring you in the face, just tell yourself, "I'm going to get out of bed and stand up." Then, once you're standing, she said to tell yourself, "I'm going to go get breakfast." Once you're drinking your juice or whatever, think to yourself, "I got out of bed," and pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself. You got up. And that's huge.
She told me to be proud of myself for just getting up and coming to school. Because she said she knew it was hard. But I did it. And that was huge. I smiled. I thanked her. I hugged her.
Then I went back to class and everyone was so kind. And I felt good.
I left class and it was raining. I ran with a friend to their car, lending them my jacket to cover their artwork. They drove me to my car so I wouldn't get soaked. I still did, but only because I wanted to.
I listened to the rain in my car waiting for my next class, which had been postponed 45 minutes. I was glad though. It was the greatest sound.
There was so much rain. So much rain that it felt like the world was being washed clean.
And I was not thinking about whether I was really happy or really sad.
I was just... there. I just was.
But I really knew I felt better when I got home and finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I felt like I had accomplished something. And I loved the book. It was so unique and lovely. And yet relatable. It was wonderful.
After that, I talked to N. Out of nowhere, she messaged me. It was amazing. And I miss her. So much. :] The best part was not having to explain the details of what happened this past weekend. She already more or less knew because of facebook... Which is good in some ways and bad in others I guess. Everyone is already making assumptions. But that's okay. Maybe no one but me will know why I did what I did. But I will. And that's what matters.
I didn't want to like it, at first. I scorned it. I was upset to have to drive in it.
But after I got to school and cried, I told the Design teacher how I felt. I told her this past weekend was as awful as it could possibly be, and I told her that I didn't want to make art anymore, and I didn't know why. She told me to follow her to the back room to talk, so I did.
I told her the gist of everything that had happened this past weekend. And of what I felt. I bawled the whole time. I told her I felt silly for it. I felt ridiculous and stupid. But she told me to give myself some credit. That it was normal to be upset about it, and that feelings change... This would change too. And she told me something that really did help... She said it took her hundreds of dollars of therapy to figure this out, but...
"Take everything one step at a time," she said. She told me that if I was overwhelmed, with the enormity of everything I had to do or get around or over or through or what have you, all staring me in the face... She told me that I had to force myself to pick one thing to start with, one thing to focus on, and nothing else. She said, if you can't get out of bed and all of this stuff is glaring you in the face, just tell yourself, "I'm going to get out of bed and stand up." Then, once you're standing, she said to tell yourself, "I'm going to go get breakfast." Once you're drinking your juice or whatever, think to yourself, "I got out of bed," and pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself. You got up. And that's huge.
She told me to be proud of myself for just getting up and coming to school. Because she said she knew it was hard. But I did it. And that was huge. I smiled. I thanked her. I hugged her.
Then I went back to class and everyone was so kind. And I felt good.
I left class and it was raining. I ran with a friend to their car, lending them my jacket to cover their artwork. They drove me to my car so I wouldn't get soaked. I still did, but only because I wanted to.
I listened to the rain in my car waiting for my next class, which had been postponed 45 minutes. I was glad though. It was the greatest sound.
There was so much rain. So much rain that it felt like the world was being washed clean.
And I was not thinking about whether I was really happy or really sad.
I was just... there. I just was.
But I really knew I felt better when I got home and finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I felt like I had accomplished something. And I loved the book. It was so unique and lovely. And yet relatable. It was wonderful.
After that, I talked to N. Out of nowhere, she messaged me. It was amazing. And I miss her. So much. :] The best part was not having to explain the details of what happened this past weekend. She already more or less knew because of facebook... Which is good in some ways and bad in others I guess. Everyone is already making assumptions. But that's okay. Maybe no one but me will know why I did what I did. But I will. And that's what matters.