Feb 11, 2008 15:28
The words that have been said have rung in my head more than those...I am absolutely furious with myself for letting these things happen. There were things about us that I just couldn't handle...
And I am declaring defeat. I'm not being an ass...I'm not being arrogant...I'm absolutely admitting that I am incredibly fucked up. Everyday that went on I was becoming more and more miserable. The things you said are true...and so much of me just wishes that you had said these things to me and told me these things earlier. If at some point I was able to truly see this from just another perspective. I am a difficult person...I warn everyone of that...I am a good friend but I am not good at doing otherwise...I loved as much as my heart would allow...but it was difficult for me as I kept growing more and more doubtful about the future. I AM going to blame myself for this. Because it was my choice this time around. It was my fault I couldn't let things go, and it was my fault for being so paranoid and not letting my own heart mend.
I have never been so miserable this time of year as I am now...and to think just 6 months ago I had it all...I had someone i wanted to spend my life with, I saw that I didn't need my big fancy dreams and was totally willing to give them up to be with someone that was special...and I had no regrets...but now it's been a week and I can feel my heart tearing through my chest trying to break free and walk away because if all the shit I'm putting it through.
Sleeping patterns are even worse than ever and I feel like a fucking zombie everyday...working 2 jobs, taking classes, starting a band, and I'm more confused than ever. I thought if I kept myself busy then things would be easier but I constantly have one thing on my mind...I hate being lonely like this...in this sense. I was used to it...but going from everything to nothing...I can't live like this. I want to run away from it all. Leave everyone I know and disappear...that's what I need...but I just can't do that.
If anything...I hope this doesn't affect you as much as it has me...I can only hope...and I hope it shows you that I've been all wrong for you this whole time. And I'm sorry...