Dec 31, 2005 00:00
well here it is, yet another year goes by, and yet another year isnt different. a lot of things have happened to me over the past year, ive grown a lot, and ive finally figured out who i am, and what i want to do with my life, as well as who my friends are, and things of that sort.
starting off, its been a year since i was coaxed into starting this livejournal account, and well, honestly its been a useful tool to help delv out my emotions, among other things. most people classified LJ as specifically high school, saying now were in college and that theres no need, and i agreed with that at one time. because i overused LJ in high school, and it just brings back thoughts, and memories, not neccesarily good ones, but nonetheless there memories as such.
from last january to today, ive come to terms with a lot of different things. in terms of girls, well i just figure out that, well this past year hass been an experience.
from wasting my time for about 6 months chasing after someone to drama in the summer (lets not relive that) ive realized that i just cant try, and try at the same time. the problem with me is , folks, is that i dont like new things, aka change, very often. soo i look into the people that are my closest friends, and see the good in them, soo that not much change would have to occur i guess. you know what, that is my problem. my mind tends to wander to thinking that relationships with close friends will occur, and "flames" of the past will respark, but ive learned to venture on from my past experiences. idk if its just the way ive been for the past 5 years or not, but ive always put to much into something, say liking someone, and gotten smashed in return. maybe it was the way i was raised, maybe not, but thats the i am , i guess. and when people ask, if im willing to commit, or say that im not, it bothers me, because that is what im after. i dont want to go on putting too much effort into liking someone, when all that happens is just that.....nothing.
case and point, a certain girl from ransomville that i met.
everything, everything went right. and then, kerplunk, kerplooey.
she met me, and well apparently wasnt interested enough after we met.
her loss, i guess.
even though, i have copius amounts of support, and friends around me, the problem is, my friends, my amigos, is that i dont get why, its not a big deal to everyone else in the world, when to people want to get together, and form a relationship, it just happens.
why is it so hard for that to happen to me? from what i hear, im not that bad of a guy i guess, and for some reason it just doesnt add up.
that was a big part of the last year, so i mentioned quite a lengthy bit of my journal about it.
-now looking back, on thoughts, ideas, feelings, memories, etc., etc., everything is somewhat clearer. the constant battle between my life and identity in tonawanda conflicting with the life that is trying to be formed in lancaster, along with college, confuses, and quite honestly angers me.
the point in being, without spending another 4930 pages, typing explanations, and feelings to go on with it, is as follows, and ill give you the cliffnotes version:
-i now know who my friends are, and who i could relatively care less for, for my friends make an effort despite there hectic schedule to at least contact me every day.
-ive realized to not be someone im not, and just tell it like it is, and if you like that in me, so be it, if you dont, thats okay too i guess.
but ive grown quite a distaste for people that are shady, and fake. one minute your there friend, the next they tend to ignore you or acknowledge you at there convienence. ( -sidenote-some people choose to pretend like nothings wrong , because there happy to be in the others company for once, and actually long for more of that-)
-i figured college was a lot harder than at first thought. The Architecture department, if they choose to let me in for yet another semester, is going to become a large part of my life, and despite the perils of college, kohls, the ymca, and family issues, i still manage my time enough to see close friends, my amigos from high school.
-i found out that a 2.43 isnt really a great gpa, but i analyzed and i determined i want to get at least a 3.00 next semester, and with courses like calculus, and studio part deux, its gonna be a hard days night ahead, but i feel will be worth it in the end.
-i realize now that not only do i have a family in lancaster, and in tonawanda, but also am close enough with my friends to be fortunate to have another back on louvaine, and right across from hoover.
-ive accepted the fact that me and dan depetrocellis are amazing at scattegories, and that no one can beat us.
and last but not least, the future, aka my resolution for the new year of 2006, which in fact, my little brother will be a freshman in high school.
i want to become a better person, maybe volunteer at the y
i want to become a better counselor, and learn how to develop control over the puny little minds of kids
i want to donate blood at least 5 times within the next year
i want to do well in college.
and most importantly, i want to find love, someone to hold onto, someone to care for, and someone to spend paychecks on.
thats my year in review, and what the future year i hope to accompish in.
oh and i got to find some way to deal with this 20 pack of sharpies i got...
sHuNk out.