(no subject)
Hi all,
I'm tired of Durham, but I'm not tired of dancing. Even though my schedule changes week-to-week, I feel that I have fallen into a routine that eats my soul. I wish I had time for a job. I can't believe how much I've spent on food lately. I think that all the dancing makes me want to eat more. It's very possible that I may become really skinny after a couple months in NYC due to lack of funds to eat more than one meal + breakfast a day.
Speaking of NYC, Bushwick is beginning to sound not-so-bad... I'll have to figure things out when I get there - I suppose.
Last night a feeling of incredible loneliness came over me. I tried to distract myself as soon as possible, but it still hurt. It doesn't help that my roommates are talking to their significant others for most of the evening. I still feel incapable of trusting anyone to share a partnership. I no longer am interested in hooking up. I'm kind of stuck, and I hate it. Fear has gotten the best of me. Fear, of course, stemming from the devastation of my relationship with Steve.
Steve now is dating a really nice girl. I met her a year ago before she began Teach for America in Montana. I genuinely like her, so it doesn't bother me that he's dating her... in contrast to how I hated it when he dated Katrina. (And, I think this reaction is really awesome). It's really weird, though, that I still have strange connections with him (that he probably doesn't realize). I had a dream that told me the dating information (among other things) a couple of days before I found out in reality. And it's weird that that day my dream defined makes sense for when he could have made things a little more concrete with her (in relation to when he probably returned to IC).
I met a girl who has similar intuitions about her ex-boyfriend, but she never talks to him. She later discovers that her intuitions are correct through mutual friends.
I want to talk to Steve again, but I feel that he feels weird to talk to me when he's dating someone. This upsets me, and I hope that this (dating something thing) is just the case. I hope to move beyond that and stay friends. But like my roommate says, "Often what makes you upset is that you can't control other people or their reactions to things." I don't want to change him, I just wish I could change his response. And I know I can't, so now it is easier to deal with. And again, I have hope to sustain me. Hope that things won't always have to resort to this.
And really, the hope that my friends will treat me better is the same situation as Steve. I'm ready to just forget about slight shortcomings or things that made me upset. I just don't want to initiate it -- partly because I don't feel it's right and also because I can't change the way they are anyway.
So yeah -- this serves as an update about the last post.
I'm not upset; I'm just waiting... waiting in the boredom of North Carolina.
I'm tired of Durham, but I'm not tired of dancing. Even though my schedule changes week-to-week, I feel that I have fallen into a routine that eats my soul. I wish I had time for a job. I can't believe how much I've spent on food lately. I think that all the dancing makes me want to eat more. It's very possible that I may become really skinny after a couple months in NYC due to lack of funds to eat more than one meal + breakfast a day.
Speaking of NYC, Bushwick is beginning to sound not-so-bad... I'll have to figure things out when I get there - I suppose.
Last night a feeling of incredible loneliness came over me. I tried to distract myself as soon as possible, but it still hurt. It doesn't help that my roommates are talking to their significant others for most of the evening. I still feel incapable of trusting anyone to share a partnership. I no longer am interested in hooking up. I'm kind of stuck, and I hate it. Fear has gotten the best of me. Fear, of course, stemming from the devastation of my relationship with Steve.
Steve now is dating a really nice girl. I met her a year ago before she began Teach for America in Montana. I genuinely like her, so it doesn't bother me that he's dating her... in contrast to how I hated it when he dated Katrina. (And, I think this reaction is really awesome). It's really weird, though, that I still have strange connections with him (that he probably doesn't realize). I had a dream that told me the dating information (among other things) a couple of days before I found out in reality. And it's weird that that day my dream defined makes sense for when he could have made things a little more concrete with her (in relation to when he probably returned to IC).
I met a girl who has similar intuitions about her ex-boyfriend, but she never talks to him. She later discovers that her intuitions are correct through mutual friends.
I want to talk to Steve again, but I feel that he feels weird to talk to me when he's dating someone. This upsets me, and I hope that this (dating something thing) is just the case. I hope to move beyond that and stay friends. But like my roommate says, "Often what makes you upset is that you can't control other people or their reactions to things." I don't want to change him, I just wish I could change his response. And I know I can't, so now it is easier to deal with. And again, I have hope to sustain me. Hope that things won't always have to resort to this.
And really, the hope that my friends will treat me better is the same situation as Steve. I'm ready to just forget about slight shortcomings or things that made me upset. I just don't want to initiate it -- partly because I don't feel it's right and also because I can't change the way they are anyway.
So yeah -- this serves as an update about the last post.
I'm not upset; I'm just waiting... waiting in the boredom of North Carolina.