Beginning of a New Year
This year has been off to a bad start. Things are just not going my way. And not in the "whiny, I want my things my way" but everything has just been off...like they're REALLY not going right...
I have a bad feeling about this year...like its just going to be bad luck bam bam bam. Bad omens and previews of how things just not working out keep appearing. Like tonight, such small little things, but big in terms of omens of what's to come. Its not like I've had it exactly easy these past couple of years, but I feel like this year is just going to SUCK. And no, not in the suck "god I'm so stressed" kind of way, but like SUCK SUCK SUCK!!
I already know something that will suck later this year...the drama of my family has finally culminated in the ultimate, dun dun dun.
I got my grades, which are a lot lower than I expected, and despite people who tell me to stop caring, um...I DO care about my grades. Maybe some people don't and therefore don't understand, but I am honestly very upset and afraid that things won't work out and something really bad will happen. Like BAD, I want to cry just thinking about it, I want to shoot myself now so I don't ever have to see it possibly happen.
No, I'm not putting pressure on myself, but honestly, why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't things just go my way the way they used to? Why can't I be successful like before? Why can't things just work themselves out? Why can't people understand. Why is the world so off? No, things will definitely not work out this year...I can feel it.
Remember how at the end of last semester, I thought things were off? Well it still feels like I'm living an alternate reality where things are just not quite right. The earth is not on its track...reality is just...off
Tonight was my Athens Birthday thingy and I had fun and enjoyed seeing people, but I don't know...some parts kinda bothered me...little things that were a bit...dissapointing. For a variety of reasons. Dissapointed in myself, dissapointed in certain things, its hard to explain, and I won't go into it. But its not even those little things that didn't go right, not the actual facts but more of the principal...more of that its those little things and their indication towards a year of things to come.
It sounds superstitious and stupid, but these things have always been very true and accurate. Especially these feelings. The signs I read, the patterns I find in life, they always have a way of coming true. And I'm scared. I'm terrified of this year to come. Its going to be a bad year. I can tell already. And it sucks, this is supposed to be the best year ever, end of senior year, fantastic summer, start a great new life.
No...something's not right, something bad's going to happen. Its all going to explode and I'm going to lose something big, or something is going to happen to me. My relatively succesful life is going to fall apart and I'm going to stumble and fall hard.
I can feel it...tonight the signs were just ridiculously blatant...its really bothering me...I can't sleep, I'm afraid to live it out...I want to cry but I'm too focused on my apprehension, I don't know what's going on, but its not good...not good at all...I think somehow this year will be even harder than last year b/c no matter how hard last year was, everything worked out. But this year, things won't work out anymore. I won't get some nice resolution anymore. There will no longer be a reason to justify why things worked out differently. Instead, they will finally fall apart and...there's nothing I can do to stop the upcoming train wreck...I can feel it coming and there's no more escape...
I have a bad feeling about this year...like its just going to be bad luck bam bam bam. Bad omens and previews of how things just not working out keep appearing. Like tonight, such small little things, but big in terms of omens of what's to come. Its not like I've had it exactly easy these past couple of years, but I feel like this year is just going to SUCK. And no, not in the suck "god I'm so stressed" kind of way, but like SUCK SUCK SUCK!!
I already know something that will suck later this year...the drama of my family has finally culminated in the ultimate, dun dun dun.
I got my grades, which are a lot lower than I expected, and despite people who tell me to stop caring, um...I DO care about my grades. Maybe some people don't and therefore don't understand, but I am honestly very upset and afraid that things won't work out and something really bad will happen. Like BAD, I want to cry just thinking about it, I want to shoot myself now so I don't ever have to see it possibly happen.
No, I'm not putting pressure on myself, but honestly, why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't things just go my way the way they used to? Why can't I be successful like before? Why can't things just work themselves out? Why can't people understand. Why is the world so off? No, things will definitely not work out this year...I can feel it.
Remember how at the end of last semester, I thought things were off? Well it still feels like I'm living an alternate reality where things are just not quite right. The earth is not on its track...reality is just...off
Tonight was my Athens Birthday thingy and I had fun and enjoyed seeing people, but I don't know...some parts kinda bothered me...little things that were a bit...dissapointing. For a variety of reasons. Dissapointed in myself, dissapointed in certain things, its hard to explain, and I won't go into it. But its not even those little things that didn't go right, not the actual facts but more of the principal...more of that its those little things and their indication towards a year of things to come.
It sounds superstitious and stupid, but these things have always been very true and accurate. Especially these feelings. The signs I read, the patterns I find in life, they always have a way of coming true. And I'm scared. I'm terrified of this year to come. Its going to be a bad year. I can tell already. And it sucks, this is supposed to be the best year ever, end of senior year, fantastic summer, start a great new life.
No...something's not right, something bad's going to happen. Its all going to explode and I'm going to lose something big, or something is going to happen to me. My relatively succesful life is going to fall apart and I'm going to stumble and fall hard.
I can feel it...tonight the signs were just ridiculously blatant...its really bothering me...I can't sleep, I'm afraid to live it out...I want to cry but I'm too focused on my apprehension, I don't know what's going on, but its not good...not good at all...I think somehow this year will be even harder than last year b/c no matter how hard last year was, everything worked out. But this year, things won't work out anymore. I won't get some nice resolution anymore. There will no longer be a reason to justify why things worked out differently. Instead, they will finally fall apart and...there's nothing I can do to stop the upcoming train wreck...I can feel it coming and there's no more escape...