Time to sign off...
Well here is my last post ever as schearnae. I need to retire this name because it is tied to a time in my life that I need to officially put behind me. I have no ideas for a new name, so it might be a while before I get a new journal. That doesn't matter because that's not the main point of this post at all.
So what is the main point? Well this is my journal; the rightful place to lay all of my feelings. I feel pretty emotional right now, so I might as well transcribe them all here. I do this because it is good therapy for me, and because I know certain people will read it. Take it how you want; I can't help the way I feel...
So I've been told out of concern from a very good friend of mine (one of my best friends actually who probably knows me better than anyone) that I am pretty emotionless. By this, he didn't mean that I don't have emotions, but that I don't express them too much at all no matter how I am feeling. Also, the majority of the time I don't express emotions at times or places that I should be. I'm actually a more logical person than I am an emotional person. Maybe this is true. It sure explains a lot of things in my life. I don't really open up to my friends at all. But I try to not be like that. I'm actually the opposite with girls. I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to girls. This is because I am pretty straightforward with girls. If I like a girl or whatever, I tell her. It's a little deeper than that, of course, but to put it shortly, that's how it is. I feel that it is a beautiful and sincere thing for a person to express their emotions or feelings for another person to that person. I guess that's why I've been known to do that with a bunch of girls in the past. I always hope that this expression of beauty and sincerity will touch the girl's heart in a special way that will open up a new connection to her, and maybe be the first step towards a meaningful relationship of more than friendship. It doesn't even have to be that dramatic, but I hope that it will at least affect the girl in a way that would open her up to giving something special a chance. I've done this plenty of times in the past, and almost every time it got me nowhere. There is one time where it did get me somewhere, and that was crapped on, so it didn't really get me anywhere at all, actually.
I remember a post I made a while back where I said I have all these emotions in me that are dying to come out but I can't find the words to express them. That's kinda how it is right now. I can be a pretty emotional person but I'm never given the opportunity to be. With a significant other I am pretty emotional. But most of the time when I show my emotions I get shut down. This makes me not want to share my emotions at all. But being the fool I am, I usually try harder once I've been shut down. This time I try to be even more emotional, tricking myself into thinking I wasn't emotional enough the first time. I usually use my backup of logic as well. I dig way too deep into matters in an effort to prove a point, but that shouldn't be what it takes at all. If sincerity from the heart isn't enough, nothing will work. But the story of my life is sincerity from the heart doesn't work. Too many times I've layed my heart on the line and have gotten nothing in return. It is true, words can't change the way a person feels. I've put everything I've got into words and have gotten nowhere by the end of the conversation. So what's the problem? If I can open up my heart to that point of true expression of self, why can't the other person open up their heart to giving my words a chance? If that expression is as beautiful and sincere as I believe it to be, why wouldn't the other person want to find out just how true my words are? If I put that much into expressing my feelings and emotions, it seems worth it to try it out.
But sadly this is only looking at it from one perspective, and that is mine. I know what I want, and that's a chance; an opportunity to back up my words and show that they are not empty emotions. That beautiful things can blossom. But what I want is inconsequential. It's what the other person wants that decides the outcome of my venture. My words seem to never affect what the other person wants, which is disheartening considering what I put into what I have to say. But why should it be a matter of affecting what the other person wants? Why is a person closed on an issue before you even bring it up to them? It shouldn't be a matter of swaying the other person on what they feel. If a person is already closed on the issue and no amount of honest expression can affect them, it's not worth taking your time to talk to them because you're not going to accomplish anything. Nothing you do will ever affect someone who has closed their heart to being touched by sincerity.
Well with this last journal post I hope to let a piece of me go. This is the part of me that believed honest expression, sincerity, and beauty were meaningful in this world. But you know what, that will never happen. Why? Because honest expression, sincerity, and beauty DO mean something in this world. I can't let go of what I know is true, so I will continue to do what I've always done and lay my heart on the line. I will continue to honestly express what I know I sincerely feel in the truest form of beauty that I can, and maybe one day someone will care.
This is Shane as schearnae for the last time.
I love you all.
PS: This post was not directed towards any one person at all, but was actually a generalization of my experiences on the subject. Please don't feel offended if you think this was about you, because I guarantee I have more love for you than you can even imagine.
So what is the main point? Well this is my journal; the rightful place to lay all of my feelings. I feel pretty emotional right now, so I might as well transcribe them all here. I do this because it is good therapy for me, and because I know certain people will read it. Take it how you want; I can't help the way I feel...
So I've been told out of concern from a very good friend of mine (one of my best friends actually who probably knows me better than anyone) that I am pretty emotionless. By this, he didn't mean that I don't have emotions, but that I don't express them too much at all no matter how I am feeling. Also, the majority of the time I don't express emotions at times or places that I should be. I'm actually a more logical person than I am an emotional person. Maybe this is true. It sure explains a lot of things in my life. I don't really open up to my friends at all. But I try to not be like that. I'm actually the opposite with girls. I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to girls. This is because I am pretty straightforward with girls. If I like a girl or whatever, I tell her. It's a little deeper than that, of course, but to put it shortly, that's how it is. I feel that it is a beautiful and sincere thing for a person to express their emotions or feelings for another person to that person. I guess that's why I've been known to do that with a bunch of girls in the past. I always hope that this expression of beauty and sincerity will touch the girl's heart in a special way that will open up a new connection to her, and maybe be the first step towards a meaningful relationship of more than friendship. It doesn't even have to be that dramatic, but I hope that it will at least affect the girl in a way that would open her up to giving something special a chance. I've done this plenty of times in the past, and almost every time it got me nowhere. There is one time where it did get me somewhere, and that was crapped on, so it didn't really get me anywhere at all, actually.
I remember a post I made a while back where I said I have all these emotions in me that are dying to come out but I can't find the words to express them. That's kinda how it is right now. I can be a pretty emotional person but I'm never given the opportunity to be. With a significant other I am pretty emotional. But most of the time when I show my emotions I get shut down. This makes me not want to share my emotions at all. But being the fool I am, I usually try harder once I've been shut down. This time I try to be even more emotional, tricking myself into thinking I wasn't emotional enough the first time. I usually use my backup of logic as well. I dig way too deep into matters in an effort to prove a point, but that shouldn't be what it takes at all. If sincerity from the heart isn't enough, nothing will work. But the story of my life is sincerity from the heart doesn't work. Too many times I've layed my heart on the line and have gotten nothing in return. It is true, words can't change the way a person feels. I've put everything I've got into words and have gotten nowhere by the end of the conversation. So what's the problem? If I can open up my heart to that point of true expression of self, why can't the other person open up their heart to giving my words a chance? If that expression is as beautiful and sincere as I believe it to be, why wouldn't the other person want to find out just how true my words are? If I put that much into expressing my feelings and emotions, it seems worth it to try it out.
But sadly this is only looking at it from one perspective, and that is mine. I know what I want, and that's a chance; an opportunity to back up my words and show that they are not empty emotions. That beautiful things can blossom. But what I want is inconsequential. It's what the other person wants that decides the outcome of my venture. My words seem to never affect what the other person wants, which is disheartening considering what I put into what I have to say. But why should it be a matter of affecting what the other person wants? Why is a person closed on an issue before you even bring it up to them? It shouldn't be a matter of swaying the other person on what they feel. If a person is already closed on the issue and no amount of honest expression can affect them, it's not worth taking your time to talk to them because you're not going to accomplish anything. Nothing you do will ever affect someone who has closed their heart to being touched by sincerity.
Well with this last journal post I hope to let a piece of me go. This is the part of me that believed honest expression, sincerity, and beauty were meaningful in this world. But you know what, that will never happen. Why? Because honest expression, sincerity, and beauty DO mean something in this world. I can't let go of what I know is true, so I will continue to do what I've always done and lay my heart on the line. I will continue to honestly express what I know I sincerely feel in the truest form of beauty that I can, and maybe one day someone will care.
This is Shane as schearnae for the last time.
I love you all.
PS: This post was not directed towards any one person at all, but was actually a generalization of my experiences on the subject. Please don't feel offended if you think this was about you, because I guarantee I have more love for you than you can even imagine.