Another year has gone by
A lot has happened, but nothing I'd really write about publicly. I've never been big on talking about personal matters, and whenever I do trust someone enough to talk to them in regard to said matters, they disappear not too long after. I wish people wouldn't ask what's wrong when they really don't care, and then if I reply with, "nothing," I'm the bad guy.
I've been losing a lot of interest in things as of late. I used to make things all the time as gifts for people, but they only wanted the items in the moment and misplaced them shortly after. Eventually, I stopped making things. I only need one of something, so I wouldn't see the point in continuing to make the same objects. The things I would make don't really fit into any place. Perhaps I should have stuck with metal smithing. It goes with my personality, I suppose. I seemed to have been an experiment gone wrong with a latest group of people. One of them even told me to drop it and walk away. I guess she's right. It's strange how things seem great and then you're suddenly public enemy number one. One thing I don't like is feeling unwanted, so I don't initiate any contact anymore. I even turned off my chat board apart from two people. For the first time ever, I even skipped my Sunday review. 131 videos I've done for it. Sickness, miscarriage, overseas travel, I never missed a day. When I finally didn't do one, the world didn't end. No one even noticed. I'm becoming more and more insignificant as time goes on, I used to matter. At least for my grand disappearing act, I can slip out the side door quietly.
The season may be off, but it's been feeling a lot like summer. It makes me think of the funeral too. So many people show up to a funeral, but when the person was alive they never gave a passing thought. What's the point of showing your "respects," when you couldn't give any before? What good are they when the person is dead? Whatever makes them look good to others and feel better about the,selves, I suppose. They'll all forget about it next week then repeat at the next funeral.
I haven't had much of an appetite lately. Whenever I do eat, I don't feel well. I've gone down to eating only once a day if that. Today, I ate 3 strawberries before I started feeling ill, yesterday it was pieces of pepperoni. I don't know why I was craving that. I need to force myself to start eating more, though. I've lost 8lbs now in the last 4 or 5 days. It's a struggle to even get out of bed. If I haven't anything planned for the day, I just lie there until I realize it's 6pm. I don't know how the day goes by so fast. How can I be lost in my own mind for 9 hours. Then, when I get up, I'm asked, "why are you out of bed? You should go back." Now that my class is over, I haven't found a new one until March apart from one that begins Wednesday, but Wednesdays have never been good for me. Even then, it would just be something to occupy my time, not even something I have a real interest. It's really hard to focus on things like structures and formulas. My memory is starting to fade, and it's one of the only things I've always been able to count on. I wish I knew what was causing all of this so I could shut it off. I know it's not logical and isn't a god thing, but I can't seem to shut it off. I'm not even sure if it's always been there, but I just couldn't tell because I didn't have any spare time, not even to sleep or properly eat. When I had others to eat with, I didn't have the time. Now that I have the time there isn't anyone around. One day, I'll get my peas in a row.
Jack was always running
Enjoying the heat of the sun.
Eventually he caught fire a burned
The price to pay for a bit of fun.
I've been losing a lot of interest in things as of late. I used to make things all the time as gifts for people, but they only wanted the items in the moment and misplaced them shortly after. Eventually, I stopped making things. I only need one of something, so I wouldn't see the point in continuing to make the same objects. The things I would make don't really fit into any place. Perhaps I should have stuck with metal smithing. It goes with my personality, I suppose. I seemed to have been an experiment gone wrong with a latest group of people. One of them even told me to drop it and walk away. I guess she's right. It's strange how things seem great and then you're suddenly public enemy number one. One thing I don't like is feeling unwanted, so I don't initiate any contact anymore. I even turned off my chat board apart from two people. For the first time ever, I even skipped my Sunday review. 131 videos I've done for it. Sickness, miscarriage, overseas travel, I never missed a day. When I finally didn't do one, the world didn't end. No one even noticed. I'm becoming more and more insignificant as time goes on, I used to matter. At least for my grand disappearing act, I can slip out the side door quietly.
The season may be off, but it's been feeling a lot like summer. It makes me think of the funeral too. So many people show up to a funeral, but when the person was alive they never gave a passing thought. What's the point of showing your "respects," when you couldn't give any before? What good are they when the person is dead? Whatever makes them look good to others and feel better about the,selves, I suppose. They'll all forget about it next week then repeat at the next funeral.
I haven't had much of an appetite lately. Whenever I do eat, I don't feel well. I've gone down to eating only once a day if that. Today, I ate 3 strawberries before I started feeling ill, yesterday it was pieces of pepperoni. I don't know why I was craving that. I need to force myself to start eating more, though. I've lost 8lbs now in the last 4 or 5 days. It's a struggle to even get out of bed. If I haven't anything planned for the day, I just lie there until I realize it's 6pm. I don't know how the day goes by so fast. How can I be lost in my own mind for 9 hours. Then, when I get up, I'm asked, "why are you out of bed? You should go back." Now that my class is over, I haven't found a new one until March apart from one that begins Wednesday, but Wednesdays have never been good for me. Even then, it would just be something to occupy my time, not even something I have a real interest. It's really hard to focus on things like structures and formulas. My memory is starting to fade, and it's one of the only things I've always been able to count on. I wish I knew what was causing all of this so I could shut it off. I know it's not logical and isn't a god thing, but I can't seem to shut it off. I'm not even sure if it's always been there, but I just couldn't tell because I didn't have any spare time, not even to sleep or properly eat. When I had others to eat with, I didn't have the time. Now that I have the time there isn't anyone around. One day, I'll get my peas in a row.
Jack was always running
Enjoying the heat of the sun.
Eventually he caught fire a burned
The price to pay for a bit of fun.