Jane Doe
I need to be me, whoever that is. Whoever I am right now does not exsist any longer independent. I'm not just saying I'm dependent on Jordan, but just whoever will acknowledge my existence. If I am home alone, I sit emotionless and stare at an empty screen for hours on end. What do I think about? nothing. I don't even realize I've done it until someone comes home to knock me out of it, and I realize an entire day has gone by without me being a part of it.
Somedays...
I want to be hippy fun Jess...but I don't know how to be on my own...
I want to be creepy morbid Jess...but I sit down and can't even find interest in it...
I want to be poet Jess...but sometimes I just find writing so absolutely boring...
I want to be spoiled Jess...but that even I know can be annoying
...I have let people control me far too long, tell me how weird, or stupid, or creepy I am.
A change took place in me these past couple of years, in the experiences I experienced, and finally Jordan has given me the freedom to be who I want to be...but who is that?
Is that...
a teacher...at times I think so
a writer...if I could get myself to dedicate myself to do it
an interior designer...grass is always greener on the other path you could have taken
a historical Preservationist...I'm too stupid, I could never had made it through architecture school
an actress...don't have talent, never honestly did
sell candles...at partylite, what kind of a loser really makes a career out of that kind of job, really.
sell my own creations...spend the day making candles, necklaces, aromas in my own shop...probally would never stay in business.
who knows?
"You sit around and stare at a wall all day? Jess maybe you should seek help." My response is, that would require a making an appointment, which would require a phone...I'm scared of talking on the phone now. Also doing such an act would take motivation and effort. I mean there are many other issues that lurk in my head that I need to see the doctor for...but it's the same situation.
I don't feel sorry for myself...I don't feel much of anything these days. I want to be the confident girl Jordan fell in love with...I want to be the bubbly girl that Chrissy built pyramids with...I want to be happy and laugh like Keri...I want to feel like i have some sort of idenity like I did all through growing up.
I need a good group of friends...that don't tear me down, that don't lecture me, but like one of those fun groups that you just enjoy eachother, talk to eachother, don't go a day without checking on eachother (voluntarily)
I have allot of soul searching to do...
Somedays...
I want to be hippy fun Jess...but I don't know how to be on my own...
I want to be creepy morbid Jess...but I sit down and can't even find interest in it...
I want to be poet Jess...but sometimes I just find writing so absolutely boring...
I want to be spoiled Jess...but that even I know can be annoying
...I have let people control me far too long, tell me how weird, or stupid, or creepy I am.
A change took place in me these past couple of years, in the experiences I experienced, and finally Jordan has given me the freedom to be who I want to be...but who is that?
Is that...
a teacher...at times I think so
a writer...if I could get myself to dedicate myself to do it
an interior designer...grass is always greener on the other path you could have taken
a historical Preservationist...I'm too stupid, I could never had made it through architecture school
an actress...don't have talent, never honestly did
sell candles...at partylite, what kind of a loser really makes a career out of that kind of job, really.
sell my own creations...spend the day making candles, necklaces, aromas in my own shop...probally would never stay in business.
who knows?
"You sit around and stare at a wall all day? Jess maybe you should seek help." My response is, that would require a making an appointment, which would require a phone...I'm scared of talking on the phone now. Also doing such an act would take motivation and effort. I mean there are many other issues that lurk in my head that I need to see the doctor for...but it's the same situation.
I don't feel sorry for myself...I don't feel much of anything these days. I want to be the confident girl Jordan fell in love with...I want to be the bubbly girl that Chrissy built pyramids with...I want to be happy and laugh like Keri...I want to feel like i have some sort of idenity like I did all through growing up.
I need a good group of friends...that don't tear me down, that don't lecture me, but like one of those fun groups that you just enjoy eachother, talk to eachother, don't go a day without checking on eachother (voluntarily)
I have allot of soul searching to do...