they come and go as if they're someone else's days...

[scentedsallon]

Ahhh, I lost weight, I lost weight. Also, my breasts are getting smaller, wee. I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control anymore because I've developed these specific regimens for my eating and exercise. The meticulousness is more important in the exercising because I do not care so much if I wind up not eating, in that my appetite is nonexistent. I feel slightly positive today, only because my image issues are subsiding at least for five seconds. I slept for the first time in a few days, even though I did wake up breathless and lowly screaming at one point, which forced me to move to the living room to sleep because I was mildly panicking. After that, though, I went back to my room before the sun came up and slept until two in the afternoon. This I did not regret because I hadn't slept for three days. Running helps to dispel my rampant sexual frustration, which is a good thing. It's like ticking off each block in pure motion negates the repeated desire in my mind for exaggerated touch and concussive orgasms. My other exercises have helped me dispel the desire to hurt myself because the pain of muscles working seems to be rewarding enough. I also fear visible representations that would come from injuring myself, because I don't want to get myself into trouble. I feel all full of creative and intellectual energy and want to read. I really want to hold onto this intensified ambition for awhile, at least a week or two. I want to accomplish some of the goals I've set up for myself lately.
I've been thinking about it... and I think I could be bipolar. I would like to confirm that, or not confirm it, whatever, be evaluated. I guess I should ask Brooke about that. In related news, when I told Marisa of not sleeping for three days, she said, "You're going to go crazy," I fumbled a bit and she said, "No, seriously, you are going to go completely crazy like that." Comforting to know... seeing as this sleeplessness thing is beyond my control and is very complicated because not only can I not sleep, but the act of sleeping is a source of anxiety as well. There are vulnerability issues involved as well as physical impairments. But either way...

I like, need, demand control.