I have a tendency to exaggerate just a little bit...
Note to self: do not watch 'Heavenly Creatures' when theoretically presented with the enforced absence of a person who is recklessly interspersed within all/most of your thoughts.
And this would be an introduction to my current worry, having only a vague understanding of the character of Ilinca's mother, and therefore a very understandable reason for my mind to exaggerate her possible repressive reactions. Also, have been watching/reading too many fairy tales/mystical stories of hardly supressible blockages that attempt to stop quick-moving forces of happiness.
Being unsure of things so late at night is an excessively negative thing for someone who's mind tends to wander in the direction of awfulness. Then again, she might not even have spoken to her mother, which wouldn't be the worst thing. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Also angry with my mother indefinitely, it seems. She has not dismissed the possibility of Ilinca being confused. Has continued to bring up that she also has had many female friends that she liked. "But in what way?" Mother responds, "Well, not sexually." "Well then, you're not a lesbian," I retort snidely. I continued to inform her of how much it insults me that she still thinks I am not sure just because she does not get it. She thinks something turned me off from males. Therefore she assumes that attraction was once there, but she can't pinpoint when. Also, any evidence would be falsified in that children are taught heterosexuality until they figure out otherwise. None of this is new, it's a hopelessly recurring annoyance. I just don't know how to convince her that Ilinca and I know what we're doing, what we mean to each other, etc. How do I explain something she doesn't want to hear or doesn't actively listen to?
But mostly I just hope everything is well with Ilinca. I never know when she's been crying because she only tells me retrospectively or while we're talking over the internet. I just feel so sorry for everything... mostly because I don't know how to comfort her when I can't explain how her mother is reacting because it doesn't really make much sense. :(
And my mother thinks it won't work out because of the way her mother feels. She is so negative about it, it upsets me. I have no doubt that it will work out, but now I want to spitefully rub it in her face because her pessimism irritates me.
I feel suspended, not knowing what's going on. I should assume everything is alright because she messaged me earlier. But we didn't speak because she signed off, which could have been because of her screwy internet, which interrupted us earlier in the day. However, her cell phone is not on, which could mean it was confiscated. Or that the battery died. Or maybe a number of other things. I am really quite paranoid and neurotic, which is perfect in situations like this.
I want to explain in great detail all the things I feel when we're together, when we touch, or the little things she says over the phone that make my ears prick up, but I feel like it would be too mushy and embarrassing to. Most of the time it's perfect, when I'm not thinking of the maybe minor obstacles posed. I don't know why I expect my mother to get it... or anyone, really. Everyone else is happy for me, excited for me, but don't realize the magnitude of the things I tell them, I guess. I won't bother revealing every little detail, if it seems meticulously insignificant to them-- but, it's not to me.
Anyway, that'll be all.
Oh, my ampersand tattoo is healing somewhat nicely.
And this would be an introduction to my current worry, having only a vague understanding of the character of Ilinca's mother, and therefore a very understandable reason for my mind to exaggerate her possible repressive reactions. Also, have been watching/reading too many fairy tales/mystical stories of hardly supressible blockages that attempt to stop quick-moving forces of happiness.
Being unsure of things so late at night is an excessively negative thing for someone who's mind tends to wander in the direction of awfulness. Then again, she might not even have spoken to her mother, which wouldn't be the worst thing. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Also angry with my mother indefinitely, it seems. She has not dismissed the possibility of Ilinca being confused. Has continued to bring up that she also has had many female friends that she liked. "But in what way?" Mother responds, "Well, not sexually." "Well then, you're not a lesbian," I retort snidely. I continued to inform her of how much it insults me that she still thinks I am not sure just because she does not get it. She thinks something turned me off from males. Therefore she assumes that attraction was once there, but she can't pinpoint when. Also, any evidence would be falsified in that children are taught heterosexuality until they figure out otherwise. None of this is new, it's a hopelessly recurring annoyance. I just don't know how to convince her that Ilinca and I know what we're doing, what we mean to each other, etc. How do I explain something she doesn't want to hear or doesn't actively listen to?
But mostly I just hope everything is well with Ilinca. I never know when she's been crying because she only tells me retrospectively or while we're talking over the internet. I just feel so sorry for everything... mostly because I don't know how to comfort her when I can't explain how her mother is reacting because it doesn't really make much sense. :(
And my mother thinks it won't work out because of the way her mother feels. She is so negative about it, it upsets me. I have no doubt that it will work out, but now I want to spitefully rub it in her face because her pessimism irritates me.
I feel suspended, not knowing what's going on. I should assume everything is alright because she messaged me earlier. But we didn't speak because she signed off, which could have been because of her screwy internet, which interrupted us earlier in the day. However, her cell phone is not on, which could mean it was confiscated. Or that the battery died. Or maybe a number of other things. I am really quite paranoid and neurotic, which is perfect in situations like this.
I want to explain in great detail all the things I feel when we're together, when we touch, or the little things she says over the phone that make my ears prick up, but I feel like it would be too mushy and embarrassing to. Most of the time it's perfect, when I'm not thinking of the maybe minor obstacles posed. I don't know why I expect my mother to get it... or anyone, really. Everyone else is happy for me, excited for me, but don't realize the magnitude of the things I tell them, I guess. I won't bother revealing every little detail, if it seems meticulously insignificant to them-- but, it's not to me.
Anyway, that'll be all.
Oh, my ampersand tattoo is healing somewhat nicely.