at her best, her worst...
did no one else notice how miserable marisa looked this evening? it's like i could touch how much she felt disconnected to the whole open-mic. she made me want to write her a thousand poems about how much she means to the world. how important her protest is, her life. how much she helps even when she doesn't think she could. or at least how much that dream i had in which she was mean to me doesn't matter. because the one where she beat up the cop that molested me was more meaningful.
why does just being in the world hurt so much? why do some of us just feel so extremely? "we are all human beings, but we are all just falling down." madigan shive had it right with that. and like she says, "existence should've been enough." somehow it's not sometimes.
i know it's not my place to comfort her. but i feel like she validates my existence so often, even tonight in her bad times, that i should at least do that for her, too. i just think that beyond some of her limitations-- the ageism thing, beyond her job, beyond her pretentiousness, beyond her biting wit, beyond her teasing, beyond what she thinks isn't enough... she's really just this beautiful, lovely, great person who wants to care so much, wants to help everyone realize how much they can contribute to the world... and i feel like we're just so alike. reading that entry of hers that she didn't really mean for anyone else to see, i just kind of thought it could've been me who wrote it. that longing, the misunderstanding of how everything could be so wrong, how one could be so fucking depressed and empty all the time and for so long and in such an excessive, wrenching way. and so it's moreso her essence i'm attracted to than who she shows us. she's captivating to others in the superficial sense that she allows us to see... but what i see in her is deeper than that. and i don't mind it being unresolved, i don't yearn for anything with her, really. it's strange, i don't want her in the way i've wanted some of my other weird crushes. i don't obsess over her, i don't know. and i'm not in love with her. i don't think i want her. i think i just appreciate her. because she's invested so much in me. because she really really wants me to live. because she can say that in front of a crowd of people into a microphone. i want to write her the longest, most thoughtful piece of creative writing ever. i want her to feel valued. because she is. not only by me.
why does just being in the world hurt so much? why do some of us just feel so extremely? "we are all human beings, but we are all just falling down." madigan shive had it right with that. and like she says, "existence should've been enough." somehow it's not sometimes.
i know it's not my place to comfort her. but i feel like she validates my existence so often, even tonight in her bad times, that i should at least do that for her, too. i just think that beyond some of her limitations-- the ageism thing, beyond her job, beyond her pretentiousness, beyond her biting wit, beyond her teasing, beyond what she thinks isn't enough... she's really just this beautiful, lovely, great person who wants to care so much, wants to help everyone realize how much they can contribute to the world... and i feel like we're just so alike. reading that entry of hers that she didn't really mean for anyone else to see, i just kind of thought it could've been me who wrote it. that longing, the misunderstanding of how everything could be so wrong, how one could be so fucking depressed and empty all the time and for so long and in such an excessive, wrenching way. and so it's moreso her essence i'm attracted to than who she shows us. she's captivating to others in the superficial sense that she allows us to see... but what i see in her is deeper than that. and i don't mind it being unresolved, i don't yearn for anything with her, really. it's strange, i don't want her in the way i've wanted some of my other weird crushes. i don't obsess over her, i don't know. and i'm not in love with her. i don't think i want her. i think i just appreciate her. because she's invested so much in me. because she really really wants me to live. because she can say that in front of a crowd of people into a microphone. i want to write her the longest, most thoughtful piece of creative writing ever. i want her to feel valued. because she is. not only by me.