Overcoming Your Nerddom by THE FERRET (cross-posted from Sonic Bunny's journal)
(Sonic Bunny, if you'd rather for any reason this not be cross-posted, drop me a line and I'll take it down...)
Swiped and reposted because I know some of you won't go over and read it:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/theferrett/657808.html?nc=38&style=mine
***
I am a high-functioning nerd, which is to say that while I am still held back socially by my nerdly handicap, I can generally get by at parties. The term for my condition varies - nerd, geek, dweeb, con-goer - and taking a cue from the “gay pride” movement, many have tried to reshape the term into one of strength and identity.
Unfortunately, the problem is still the same: My interests really don’t coincide with the rest of society.
“So what?” you say. “Who needs society?” The problem is that society rewards people who get along with other people. For a brief time in the 1990s, nerds rose to a spectacular height with the rise of computers - a nerd-dominated domain - when people were forced to kiss a lot of nerd tuchis in order to get their networks to run. But as computers have become more mainstream and corporations have begun to farm programming operations out to Pakistan, the old traditions of “People who get along with normal folk usually tend to do better in life” have sprung right back. That means that a lot of nerds are struggling for their next paycheck, living in ratty apartments and working in crappy jobs, and they don’t even realize that the reason they’re poor is because people find them offputting.
It’s not all financial, either; learning to be a little less nerdy can get you major social benefits as well, from a wider range of real-life friends (your IRC friends aren’t nearly the same, and I’m speaking as someone who married his chat partner) to deeper relationships with the people you do know to actual, you know, sex. You don’t have to change a whole lot to get a lot of benefits.
If you’d like to get past your nerdy handicap, there are two concepts that the “hopelessly asocial” never seem to understand, but the “can get by in a pinch” nerds fathom instinctively. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the concepts were obvious to me, but clearly a lot of my brethren had never noticed this.
I just thought I’d list ‘em if you were interested.
1. Your Interests Are Not The World’s Interests.
Contrary to what a lot of nerds will tell you, it is okay to be interested in comic books. People will look at you a little funny, but that’s what happens when you hold an interest they don’t know much about; I know for a fact that die-hard strat-o-matics fans get the same looks, and they’re dealing with the mainstream subject of sports.
What is not okay is to blather about comic books.
See, many nerds carry the assumption that “If I like it, everyone must like it.” Even if they know the person they’re talking to hasn’t read comic books, there’s the implicit assumption that they would be if they just read them. Thus, the low-functioning nerd will not only mention that she’s interested in comic books, but will share the fine details of comics that the people she’s talking to have never read, going on and on and on about them.
I have seen low-functioning nerds discuss the fine details of the Manhunter DC Crossover storyline with someone who didn’t know what DC Comics was until two minutes ago. That’s bad social interaction.
Keep in mind that I enjoy listening to other people describing things I’ve never read or seen and that I’m not likely to. I have been known to hear a half-hour long summary of an anime plotline and then ask for more.
But I am a nerd. What I enjoy is not what everyone else likes. And most people don’t like to hear extensive discussions about things they don’t know about.
Hence, you should always assume that people don’t give a crap about what you love, and keep the details to a minimum unless pressed otherwise.
Furthermore, since people lie on a regular basis in the interests of politeness, they will say that they are interested, but they really aren’t. You have to watch for other signs such as:
* Sudden silence. Bored people stop participating in a conversation, moving from “And what happened next?” to “Mmm-hmms” and eventually nods.
* Looking to one side. If you see a stranger ceasing to make eye contact, you probably want to change the topic. (Many nerds shun eye contact as a matter of course, but start off by assuming that your audience is not a nerd.)
* Mentioning that he doesn’t know much about it. Unless followed specifically by the phrase “But I’ve been meaning to get into it,” this is generally the cue for “I don’t care.”
* Many interjections. The classic nerd habit is to put up a wall of words, talking over people despite their attempts to change the topic. If someone tries to amble down another path, go with them; don’t stand in their way. That counts double if they’re physically trying to walk away from you.
* Saying that it’s not up their alley. Yes, I’ve routinely seen nerds continue talking about their topic even in the face of someone saying that they didn’t care. Take the fucking hint.
Even if someone does express an interest - and you’d be surprised how many people do - try to sum up your love in less than a minute. A lot of nerds have realized that they shouldn’t gush about their fandom to strangers, but give them the slightest excuse and they’ll follow you home… And that’s almost as bad. When you speak, wrap up every few moments to gauge their interest, allowing your conversational partner the chance to change the topic. If he or she doesn’t, then give it a few moments and pause again. If, after five or six tries they’re still asking questions, go nuts.
Remember: the fact that you love EverQuest II does not mean the rest of the world shares that love. There’s a difference between “Not being ashamed of your love” and “Inflicting it upon the world whether they want to hear it or not.”
2. Cultivate A Vague Interest In Non-Nerd Topics
One time, at a party at a swanky bar, I wound up talking with a woman who was in Real Estate. I do not give a crap about Real Estate - and yet I listened to her go on about her job and the state of home sales in Cleveland, even asking her questions about some of the finer details.
It wasn’t the most fascinating fifteen minutes I’d ever spent, but at the end of it I switched topics, and at the end of the conversation she remembered a friend who published a local magazine, giving me his phone number.
This is how connections are made.
Fact is, I could give a rat’s patoot about sports… But I’ve learned enough to nod my head and make a few vague comments, continuing the conversation long enough that the other person feels like he’s made a connection. The conversation does not always have to serve your deepest needs.
Low-functioning nerds, however, get sullen whenever the topic isn’t something they’re fascinated by. They will fall silent, wrest the topic back to cosplay, talk to someone more interesting, or just walk away. This is bad form. Humoring someone for a few minutes makes them like you.
I take a roleplaying approach. When that woman started talking about real estate, I didn’t much care, but I looked at it as an opportunity. “I can pick up +1 skill at Real Estate!” I thought, and listened as if I was really trying to learn from her. As it was, I actually did pick up a few things about the way homes are sold in Cleveland, and who knows when that might come in handy?
There are three methods that will help you when you’re listening to someone:
* Admit you know nothing. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know much about real estate”; it’s honest, and in some cases it actually helps, because of the next point.
* Ask questions. People like to feel like experts on things, and if you can make them feel important they will like you.* Thus, if someone’s talking about something boring like real estate, saying something like, “I live in Rocky River. Is there anything I should know about there?” will actually spark some interesting conversation, and may get you some pretty good dirt.
* Segue. You don’t have to talk about this all evening. After a few moments, change the topic. Sometimes, people will steadfastly refuse to change the topic and will keep blathering on about real estate, at which point you should realize how annoying it is when someone will not shut up. Take this moment to reflect upon my first point.
Follow these two guidelines, and life will be better. Maybe it’ll get better in ways you won’t notice, but hey. It’ll at least be easier for the rest of us.
* - This is not why I’m doing it, by the way; I like people. But it’s a fact of how people work. If I had been thinking when I started this, I probably could have said, "The biggest thing that separates the high-functioners from the low-functioners is that they are interested in people, not what people can provide." Which is why I'm writing this in terms of cold benefits, really.
Swiped and reposted because I know some of you won't go over and read it:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/theferrett/657808.html?nc=38&style=mine
***
I am a high-functioning nerd, which is to say that while I am still held back socially by my nerdly handicap, I can generally get by at parties. The term for my condition varies - nerd, geek, dweeb, con-goer - and taking a cue from the “gay pride” movement, many have tried to reshape the term into one of strength and identity.
Unfortunately, the problem is still the same: My interests really don’t coincide with the rest of society.
“So what?” you say. “Who needs society?” The problem is that society rewards people who get along with other people. For a brief time in the 1990s, nerds rose to a spectacular height with the rise of computers - a nerd-dominated domain - when people were forced to kiss a lot of nerd tuchis in order to get their networks to run. But as computers have become more mainstream and corporations have begun to farm programming operations out to Pakistan, the old traditions of “People who get along with normal folk usually tend to do better in life” have sprung right back. That means that a lot of nerds are struggling for their next paycheck, living in ratty apartments and working in crappy jobs, and they don’t even realize that the reason they’re poor is because people find them offputting.
It’s not all financial, either; learning to be a little less nerdy can get you major social benefits as well, from a wider range of real-life friends (your IRC friends aren’t nearly the same, and I’m speaking as someone who married his chat partner) to deeper relationships with the people you do know to actual, you know, sex. You don’t have to change a whole lot to get a lot of benefits.
If you’d like to get past your nerdy handicap, there are two concepts that the “hopelessly asocial” never seem to understand, but the “can get by in a pinch” nerds fathom instinctively. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the concepts were obvious to me, but clearly a lot of my brethren had never noticed this.
I just thought I’d list ‘em if you were interested.
1. Your Interests Are Not The World’s Interests.
Contrary to what a lot of nerds will tell you, it is okay to be interested in comic books. People will look at you a little funny, but that’s what happens when you hold an interest they don’t know much about; I know for a fact that die-hard strat-o-matics fans get the same looks, and they’re dealing with the mainstream subject of sports.
What is not okay is to blather about comic books.
See, many nerds carry the assumption that “If I like it, everyone must like it.” Even if they know the person they’re talking to hasn’t read comic books, there’s the implicit assumption that they would be if they just read them. Thus, the low-functioning nerd will not only mention that she’s interested in comic books, but will share the fine details of comics that the people she’s talking to have never read, going on and on and on about them.
I have seen low-functioning nerds discuss the fine details of the Manhunter DC Crossover storyline with someone who didn’t know what DC Comics was until two minutes ago. That’s bad social interaction.
Keep in mind that I enjoy listening to other people describing things I’ve never read or seen and that I’m not likely to. I have been known to hear a half-hour long summary of an anime plotline and then ask for more.
But I am a nerd. What I enjoy is not what everyone else likes. And most people don’t like to hear extensive discussions about things they don’t know about.
Hence, you should always assume that people don’t give a crap about what you love, and keep the details to a minimum unless pressed otherwise.
Furthermore, since people lie on a regular basis in the interests of politeness, they will say that they are interested, but they really aren’t. You have to watch for other signs such as:
* Sudden silence. Bored people stop participating in a conversation, moving from “And what happened next?” to “Mmm-hmms” and eventually nods.
* Looking to one side. If you see a stranger ceasing to make eye contact, you probably want to change the topic. (Many nerds shun eye contact as a matter of course, but start off by assuming that your audience is not a nerd.)
* Mentioning that he doesn’t know much about it. Unless followed specifically by the phrase “But I’ve been meaning to get into it,” this is generally the cue for “I don’t care.”
* Many interjections. The classic nerd habit is to put up a wall of words, talking over people despite their attempts to change the topic. If someone tries to amble down another path, go with them; don’t stand in their way. That counts double if they’re physically trying to walk away from you.
* Saying that it’s not up their alley. Yes, I’ve routinely seen nerds continue talking about their topic even in the face of someone saying that they didn’t care. Take the fucking hint.
Even if someone does express an interest - and you’d be surprised how many people do - try to sum up your love in less than a minute. A lot of nerds have realized that they shouldn’t gush about their fandom to strangers, but give them the slightest excuse and they’ll follow you home… And that’s almost as bad. When you speak, wrap up every few moments to gauge their interest, allowing your conversational partner the chance to change the topic. If he or she doesn’t, then give it a few moments and pause again. If, after five or six tries they’re still asking questions, go nuts.
Remember: the fact that you love EverQuest II does not mean the rest of the world shares that love. There’s a difference between “Not being ashamed of your love” and “Inflicting it upon the world whether they want to hear it or not.”
2. Cultivate A Vague Interest In Non-Nerd Topics
One time, at a party at a swanky bar, I wound up talking with a woman who was in Real Estate. I do not give a crap about Real Estate - and yet I listened to her go on about her job and the state of home sales in Cleveland, even asking her questions about some of the finer details.
It wasn’t the most fascinating fifteen minutes I’d ever spent, but at the end of it I switched topics, and at the end of the conversation she remembered a friend who published a local magazine, giving me his phone number.
This is how connections are made.
Fact is, I could give a rat’s patoot about sports… But I’ve learned enough to nod my head and make a few vague comments, continuing the conversation long enough that the other person feels like he’s made a connection. The conversation does not always have to serve your deepest needs.
Low-functioning nerds, however, get sullen whenever the topic isn’t something they’re fascinated by. They will fall silent, wrest the topic back to cosplay, talk to someone more interesting, or just walk away. This is bad form. Humoring someone for a few minutes makes them like you.
I take a roleplaying approach. When that woman started talking about real estate, I didn’t much care, but I looked at it as an opportunity. “I can pick up +1 skill at Real Estate!” I thought, and listened as if I was really trying to learn from her. As it was, I actually did pick up a few things about the way homes are sold in Cleveland, and who knows when that might come in handy?
There are three methods that will help you when you’re listening to someone:
* Admit you know nothing. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know much about real estate”; it’s honest, and in some cases it actually helps, because of the next point.
* Ask questions. People like to feel like experts on things, and if you can make them feel important they will like you.* Thus, if someone’s talking about something boring like real estate, saying something like, “I live in Rocky River. Is there anything I should know about there?” will actually spark some interesting conversation, and may get you some pretty good dirt.
* Segue. You don’t have to talk about this all evening. After a few moments, change the topic. Sometimes, people will steadfastly refuse to change the topic and will keep blathering on about real estate, at which point you should realize how annoying it is when someone will not shut up. Take this moment to reflect upon my first point.
Follow these two guidelines, and life will be better. Maybe it’ll get better in ways you won’t notice, but hey. It’ll at least be easier for the rest of us.
* - This is not why I’m doing it, by the way; I like people. But it’s a fact of how people work. If I had been thinking when I started this, I probably could have said, "The biggest thing that separates the high-functioners from the low-functioners is that they are interested in people, not what people can provide." Which is why I'm writing this in terms of cold benefits, really.