Ahhh...that's what I say about life...

Sep 25, 2006 23:49

I have my first psych test tomorrow (mind you a 300 level course) and I should be studying. But I have way too many things on my mind and I can't concentrate, so I'm going to write...it usually seems to help. If nobody reads it, I don't really care, but I just need to get things out and this is where I'll turn.

So I have many different groups of friends. Some groups get along with others, some don't, some just don't know each other. That's fine, I'm friends with them so it doesn't matter. Now how to divide my time (for lack of better words) between them all is a huge challenge to me. How do I know if I'm spending too much time with some people and not enough with others? What if I have already made plans with one groups of friends, and another asks me to do something? That's fine, I'm not going to ditch the people I already made plans with, but that other group might think of me as not wanting to go with them, and that I'm better friends with the first group. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but these aren't just 'other people'. They are my friends and they mean a lot to me. I guess I just find it hard to be with everyone and stay close. Some friends I rarely ever talk to...but I still consider them my friends, even if they know basically nothing about my life recently or vice versa..thinking especailly of you Kelli. I dunno, just something I've been thinking about lately.

Then we've got this other situation. So this guy wants me to go on a date with him. I don't want to go, I'm friends with him and have NO interest in dating him. But I'm too nice to tell him no. So I make a date (kinda) and then break it (well just don't answer his phone when he calls). Then I don't talk to him as much I guess. then he brings it back up that we haven't hung out yet...persistantly..in front of other people too. So what do I say...yeah you know I really didnt' want to go in the first place? I don't want to be mean...I'm not a mean person, so I tell him sure sometime soon we'll go. But am I being mean in the fact that I don't want to go...but am not telling him? What would he rather hear? Me shooting him down or what? Sometimes I wish there were a manual for this kind of stuff.

Then we've got another situation which has been bothering me for about 3 weeks now. I don't want to talk about it on here (I probably will later), but not until I talk to the person about it. But I guess I've been avoiding it. I waited until after a certain time to think about bringing it up, but now that that time has passed, I am still very hesitant. Maybe I don't want to ruin what we've got (but why should I care after the face of what's been bothering me?). Maybe I'm too nice (most likely) but what will come from this conversation that needs to take place will not be nice I don't think. So I'm scared. I guess that's that. But I really wish I would suck it up and do it, because it's really ... REALLY been tearing me up/hurting me on many many levels and nobody really knows I guess.

Then we've got the issue that I've had a few times. Let's see, I do this thing where a guy friend will want to hang out with me. so we do...that's what friends do. Then I know (or think) that the guy wants to be more than friends, so what do I do...start avoiding him. I know that this is bad, avoidance solves nothing. But I think that if I avoid him, he'll get the idea. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Then I have a problem that I'm being a bitch and don't want to tell a guy no because he might think I'm a bitch or that I'm mean...but really I just don't want to hurt him. Hmmm...

Here's another thing. So how do you know what is 'right' for you in life? How do you know that you are not passing up the opportunites of a lifetime? How do you know who you should or shouldn't be with? What if you think something woudl be totally perfect and right for you, but you just don't really want it? Or what if you think something is right for you but aren't sure if you should pursue it? If you have more than one option, how do you know which one to go with? do you try them both out and then say to one...nah sorry and then later realize that you should have went with option number 1? I guess it's just a game of chance huh? Life's like a box of chocolates...

So the whole guy situation in my life...just makes me feel ten million emotions, but happy isn't really one of them. and why do I allow guys to cause me so much grief? No idea, if someone knows, please...enlighten me. Because I dunno what I'm doing wrong.

P.S. The guy that lives next door to me, Ryan...well he's a great friend of mine, but that's besides the point. He rocks out all the time. I basically have a techno party going on at all times in my room cuz his music is so loud that I can sing along. Just thought I'd mention it, cuz he's rocking out right now.

Okay here's another issue that's been bothering me and it's completly my fault, but aggravating nonetheless (is that one word?). I make my life hectic...I know...my own problem. 16 credits which includes a lab, a CI class, and a 300 level this time around, work (but a lot less than last year thank God), and working out. I refuse to part with any of that. School is the most important in my life, but unfortunatly money is a necessity also, and I also don't want to gain weight and I enjoy working out. So I'm not going to part with that. However, I am usually busy. I guess the aggravating part is when I see or hear that people are tired or that people don't have time to do anything. When I take a look at their life, and then mine...it's just aggravating to me. Then again I know people have way busier lives than me. But I'm just getting this out because I want to. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep for even a half hour more, just something. Or not have something to do at all times. When people say, "I'm bored", it blows my mind. I am never bored. I always have soemthing to do and again, I realize this is my own fault, so I shouldn't even be saying this stuff. I just wish I could say wow I'm bored, I'm going to watch a movie, or I'm bored, I'm going to go for a walk to see the pretty nature things outside. And then if those people are bored, they will tell me...and there is nothing wrong with that. Ummm what do I say to that though? I'm sorry? What do you want me to do to entertain you? I feel bad cuz I am not bored, I have stuff to do soooo...ah anyways just another thing.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a studious person. I mean it's good that I am I guess...but I wish I didn't care as much all the time. So should I care as much all the time? Why am I so driven to succeed? Is that a bad thing or a good thing?

I wish I could help all of my friends throughout everything they go through and be there for them all the time. I guess it just stresses me out when I can't...cuz I feel like I'm neglecting them. but they mean the world to me and even the smallest things from them make my day much more wonderful. Just a simple, "Good morning love have a super day" (Ellen), "Have a good night love I miss you" (Shevelle), "Missed you this weekend at the jersey party" (Anna), "Hi, hope you have a good day" (Billy), "Aw you're so cute I miss you" (Mark), "Oh thanks, love you" (Matt)....those little things that people probably forgot they even said to me...mean a lot. You know sometimes when you're at the point where you are sitting in your room just studying or just thinking and maybe things are getting to you, but people don't know that...and you get a little something like that, it just makes you feel better. And I cannot tell you how many times my friends do that for me and it means a lot:)

Money..yeap you probably already know I hate it. I wish I could give money to everyone who needed it...I really do. But when I am spending my money (which is limited), please...don't use my stuff that I spend the money on. (That might be selfish...is it? I'm just saying how I feel though) I would like to help others out...but I don't have the money to do that. and a lot of the time...it's very little things, but little things add up over time. But I'm too nice to bring it up.

So does being too nice mean you have to get walked on? Or should I buck up and say no more often? Or just be mean more often? Where should this line be drawn?

Alright...I've been writing for over an hour now. I wanted to write about these things as they came along, but I guess I didn't have the time. So I decided to let em all out (for the most part) in one good chunk. I know that bottling things up is not good...yet I do it. I guess that's a problem...I often give myself good advice, but don't always follow it.

So time to study for psych. Going to bed sometime tonight. At least when I sleep...I can't think, so I just let my dreams take over. Maybe they'll take me somewhere new, or somewhere I've always wanted to go...who knows!
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