(no subject)
Totally frustrated with my anxiety. Went out shopping and felt like I really wanted to just hide. So I pushed myself and decided to get only what I needed and get the hell out. The cat food section changed that as I started a conversation with an older woman about picky cats and then was regaled with stories of her very well behaved 12 year old cat. I also shared a smile with a random gentleman as we did the shopping cart shuffle getting past one another.
I talked to an advisor from the local branch of the University of Phoenix. I need to look into other local colleges and look into their psychology departments. I have dreams of what I want to do in the future, but I need money to make those dreams happen, and I think psychology is the way to go. It drives me nuts seeing people that have gone for psychology just to let that knowledge gain dust in the recesses of their minds. There are people out there that need that knowledge to help them through everyday life (Christ, I'm one of them!), and if other people are just going to store the knowledge, I want to gain it and use it to benefit not only myself, but others too. I'd really like to work with children, preferably special needs, because I've always believed that the person inside is just as important as the rest of us. Just because someone's body doesn't work the same as mine, or their mind computes things differently doesn't mean there isn't a beautiful person nestled inside. As with anyone, kick something long enough and whatever it is will grow angry and ugly, I want to nurture and love, 'cause I've got it in me, and I want to share.
My mind is full right now. For ages women's menstrual cycles were called "the curse", but the curse for me is the week before, when my mind really can't seem to do what it normally does properly. I jump to conclusions, the desire to love (everything) with teeth and jackhammer becomes more predominate, I over-think things to death (when I just normally over-think), and the joys of negativity make everything seem a 100 times more horrible than it really is. I also find myself being horribly judgmental and know that I should not under any circumstances make life changing decisions while my brain is frying in lovely estrogen withdrawal. I also find myself wishing for fire-based abilities, because setting things on fire makes everything better (in my mind). Thankfully it is impossible for me to have D&D spells in real life and the flesh of many innocent people is saved due to that. The resulting scarring, skin grafts, and hospital time might not be worth the perceived transgression of the offending party. I should probably set people on fire in writing, because then I can go back and read it anytime I feel like, and eventually all of those people I set on fire might turn into a best seller (one can dream, even if the dreams are a bit disturbed).
But yes, anxiety sucks. Full brains suck. Being a bag of hormonal craziness is fun, like a bucket full of hungry piranas. I long for menopause, but that's just me. I just want to live to menopause, and it's one of those days that I question if that's even possible with all of the stupid health issues and possible health issues. Maybe I should set my current doctor on fire. The stupid high blood pressure worry is making my blood pressure higher and my anxiety doesn't help and I just feel like I'm in this never ending loop of @_@. I think I'll go hug a cat.