fanmix: just have more to lose ( sherlock + john ) { for waywardmixes }
Fandom: Sherlock
Subject: Sherlock and John
Title: Just Have More To Lose
Warnings/Notes: Uhm, spoilers for all episodes because there's a lot of rambling about them in my post (I'm not even sorry). Also a lot of headcanon ramblings, so beware. Made for round 3 at waywardmixes for the theme "quotes". I apologise for how in love I am with my mix, it's not healthy to be this egotistical, I'm sure.
show & characters
If you don't know Sherlock or any other adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes novels, I'm impressed. That said, all you need to know is that the show - and all the other adaptations, no matter how much artistic license has been taken - is about a great detective who shares a flat with an invalided army doctor. Together they solve crimes. For fun. Well. Sherlock Holmes solves crimes and Doctor John Watson blogs about it. Over time (~a day~), they become the epicest of friends and they'd literally kill and die for each other. If you do know Sherlock, congratulations for surviving. I'm impressed. Feel free to let out all your feelings in the comments below (you'd think I'd be over it, it's been over three months now, but nope, I'm not). If you haven't seen it yet and don't want to be spoiled, I suggest you don't read my lengthy ramblings about why I chose these quotes and songs. To everyone else, I'm sorry for all the ramblings, I'm afraid once you let me talk about these two people I won't shut up for a long time.
extra notes
When I signed up for this round at waywardmixes, I told myself I didn't know what to go for, just that I wanted to participate in this round (because omg epic theme, y/y). Anyway, ~in my heart of hearts~ I knew I wanted to do Sherlock and that I wanted to make it John&Sherlock specific. For a short while I considered other fandoms (I failed greatly, as you can see) but I always came back to this. I didn't really start out with much of a theme, although I did have a bunch of quotes already. And then it just evolved into this thing and I don't know if it's shippy or just epic bros but considering that I'll take my John&Sherlock any way I can get it, I suppose the best way to describe it is "it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is". The theme itself has inspired me so fucking much and once I got around to working on my mix, on finding the quotes, things just evolved and I have so many feelings to shaaaare.
the mix
“But why, why do we love something if loving something just makes us stupid and just have more to lose?”
( PUSHING DAISIES )
JUST HAVE MORE TO LOSE
a sherlock fanmix
“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
( THE OLD KINGDOM by GARTH NIX )
01. I FOLLOW RIVERS ( LYKKE LI )
Be my only, be the water and I'm wading
You're my river running high, run deep run wild
“I am a mass of contradictions.”
( 13 LITTLE BLUE ENVELOPES by MAUREEN JOHNSON )
02. CONDUCTOR ( WE WERE PROMISED JETPACKS )
Cause you are a fine wine
Another fine, fine wine
Pointing at me
And hearing me speak
03. YOU TURN ME ROUND ( AQUALUNG )
When the sun sets around me
My daydreams confound me
And the long night surrounds me
You turn me around
“Sadness can find you anywhere, anytime, so you better have fun when you can.”
( THE CROWNING GLORY OF CALLA LILY PONDER by REBECCA WELLS )
04. SPIRITS ( JAMIE WOON )
Ladies and Gentlemen
Surely we're here in mind
Watching our spirits dance on the
On the backs of our lives
05. COMPANY ( AN HORSE )
Oh I'm blushing on the inside
It's those damn green eyes
And panel by panel and piece by piece
This all fits together but it's not what you think
“I will burn the heart out of you.”
“You've rather shown your hand there, Dr Watson.”
( SHERLOCK )
06. NATURAL DISASTER ( ALEXZ JOHNSON )
Am I another casualty?
In the battle you're fighting?
You're your own worst enemy,
At war with yourself, but you can't see.
07. DARK PARADISE ( LANA DEL REY )
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
“Love is a much more vicious motivator.”
( SHERLOCK )
08. LIGHTS ( ELLIE GOULDING )
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.”
( THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by JOHN GREEN )
09. ELIZABETH ( TRADING YESTERDAY )
Cause her name is always Elizabeth
And she'll take your heart away and apologize for breaking it
Just the same, love of any other kind
Would simply be a waste of time to me
10. PULL ME THROUGH ( TYRONE WELLS )
Pull me through
I need someone to hold on to
Pull me through
I don't know who else to turn to
When life is a struggle and I am in trouble
I need you to pull me through
“Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends.”
( GARDEN SPELLS by SARAH ADDISON ALLEN )
11. SOIL, SOIL ( TEGAN AND SARA )
Oh and I'm feeling
Directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
12. GO AWAY ( EISLEY )
Finally it all makes sense
I could keep this all from you
And I could make a statement based on truth
But then it all comes tumbling down
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.”
( SHERLOCK )
13. MAYBE ( INGRID MICHAELSON )
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me
14. GRACIOUS ( BEN HOWARD )
Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear
“That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
( THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by JOHN GREEN )
15. WORLD SPINS MADLY ON ( THE WEEPIES )
Woke up and wish that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
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explanations & thoughts
I divided the mix into nine parts. Sort of. It all makes sense on my spreadsheet, actually. I chose ten (eleven, really) quotes, with one as the general theme, I suppose, and the other nine as headlines for each part. I probably misinterpreted a lot of the lyrics but this is what I thought of when I chose the songs and it all made sense in my head. Many thanks to wildpages who had to suffer through my flailings while making this. It's not absolutely necessary to read everything I wrote, because it's, uhm, a bit much. The bit about the main quote though, yes? Read that. :)
the overarching theme
“But why, why do we love something if loving something just makes us stupid and just have more to lose?” (Pushing Daisies)
I chose this one for the overarching theme because it's such a fitting phrase. Sherlock is a genius and somehow when he loves something he does really stupid things. He loves his work and he does things that almost get him killed on a regular basis. He loves John and he falters and shows his emotions at inopportune times. He loves correcting and insulting people and generally flaunting his genius in everyone's faces but he doesn't realise when to shut the fuck up in court, when to not drug your friend, when to not randomly go with a killer knowing that he is a killer. Honestly, for a genius Sherlock Holmes does a lot of stupid things when it involves the things he loves. And John is much the same - he is a shell of his true self after the war. Everything that he loves - saving people, the adrenaline coursing through him in the face of danger - is gone until he meets Sherlock Holmes who puts it back into his life. He thrives on this so much that he, too, does stupid things. He illegally shoots a man! He sticks with Sherlock even when he knows that he might not live to see the next day. He becomes Sherlock Holmes' friend even though everyone warns him away, even though he should know that it's a terrible idea at best. His best friend abandons him time and time again or experiments on him or enemies decide to use him as leverage and they're both not just a little insane just because they both care about each other. As you can see, I used part of this quote for the title of my fanmix, because it fits just that well. Sherlock goes from rude and impossible to deal with to annoying dick who has friends he could lose. It's a massive step for this ridiculous man and it has everything to do with having John in his life. As for John, he had lost everything when he came back from the war and he has found so much - so much more - in Sherlock that he's changed too. Caring has quite definitely resulted in having more to lose for Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.
before
“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
It's a very interesting question, isn't it? And I think it fits very well for pre-series John and Sherlock. They both don't know each other yet, they're both on their respective paths and the quote made me wonder if they were always meant to meet each other. They're clearly both able to live their lives without the other's influence (however that may have worked out for them in the past) but they make each other better, they raise each other to new levels and it made me wonder. Would they still have crossed paths if John had become a soldier instead of an army doctor, if he had become a regular surgeon instead of a doctor working in the army? Would he have been happy with doing just one of those things? Would they still have met if Sherlock had become a consulting criminal instead, if he had followed in his brother's footsteps and worked for the government? Would he have been properly engaged doing those things? I think John could've certainly compensated for his adrenaline addiction somehow and with the right amount of mental stimulation Sherlock could've been moderately fine with whatever he would've been doing, but I think it's their respective paths that created this amazing symbiosis between these two people. They may have chosen their path, but it was the path that brought them to each other and made them into better people.
I Follow Rivers
When I found the quote this song just made sense. The lyrics themselves are about as ambiguous as the path metaphor (aside from the fact that they fit the theme of the book that the quote is from) and for me it just fits. Be my only, be the water and I'm wading / You're my river running high, run deep run wild - Before they meet Sherlock's work, the need to stave off boredom, is everything to him. Before they meet John is thoroughly entrenched in the army which gives him the danger that he'll later miss. Their respective careers and ways of life are their water. And they follow their paths - their rivers - in life until they meet and then they become each other's path/river and start following each other and that's when suddenly things get spun around and while they still orbit around their respective needs for not!boredom and danger, they're suddenly part of each other's river so to speak. Sherlock certainly doesn't need John, he's done his work on his own for five years already before John came along and yet he takes an avid interest in John once they do meet. John in turn certainly doesn't need Sherlock as more than a flatmate and yet they can keep away from each other. Sherlock calls and he comes running and suddenly his whole life is filled with Sherlock.
On top of that, the sound of the song just has a certain feel to it - like it's waiting for something. It's good and steady like their paths but it's patiently waiting for something more, just like their lives.
a study in pink
“I am a mass of contradictions.”
Well, I may have accidentally just spilled all my feelings in the above paragraphs, but this one's pretty lovely. I chose it because it describes so well how contrary the characters are in and of itself. Look at Sherlock: He doesn't like people at all, but he works with them because he must in order to get some juicy murder mysteries into his hands. He wears ridiculously expensive clothes even though they're all a size too small but is looking for a flatmate. He claims to be a sociopath and we probably won't ever know if it's actually true or not, but most of the time he doesn't seem to be anything more than a particularly awful wanker. In comparison, John doesn't fare much better. He's a war veteran who, for all intents and purposes, should suffer from PTSD but he doesn't. Instead the things that his therapist ascribes to PTSD are really because he misses the war, the danger, the flying bullets, the men relying on his skills as a doctor. He wears cuddly jumpers and takes justice into his own hands by shooting the bad guy. He has a limp but doesn't need to rest his leg. They're both completely contradictory in just about everything and then decide to move in together barely a day after they first met. They're nothing if not a mass of contradictions.
Conductor
While this song might've worked at a later point in the story, I found it best fitting here. The lyrics just reminded me so much of the cab scene where Sherlock is genuinely surprised that John is in awe of his deductions and not the least bit offended. John is the one person who won't tell him to piss off. He lets him speak and willingly listens to his deductions even though they ought to offend him. He lets Sherlock be who he is and isn't all that fussed really. He's basically a conductor for Sherlock to be himself and, as we later on learn, John being the bouncee in the whole bouncing-ideas-off-of-someone spiel between the two of them works really well for Sherlock.
You Turn Me Round
It goes well with the quote I chose because somehow these two men meet and manage to completely defy everyone's expectations. When the episode begins John wakes up in a lonely bedsit and he misses the war fiercely. He seems lethargic and directionless. He meets Sherlock Holmes and is cured of his limp and gets a fix for his adrenaline addiction. When we first meet Sherlock he's viciously beating a corpse and he shamelessly uses Molly's affections in his favour. He's a dick and a presumptuous one at that. He meets John and tries very hard to leave a good impression for John - think the drug's bust, the tidying scene, the whole thing at Angelo's and the chase through London right afterwards. From what we've learned he's not a people person at all and yet John manages to bring out something else in him. And in the end John has killed a man for Sherlock, and Sherlock stops himself in his deductions to protect John. It doesn't make sense and yet this is what they do for each other.
the blind banker
“Sadness can find you anywhere, anytime, so you better have fun when you can.”
This quote is a bit of a difficult one because it seems so random, but it really isn't. The second I saw that quote I had to think of this episode. I suppose it's because John finds himself a girlfriend and a job, something that makes the dull parts of his life more fun. The quote also describes the episode quite well when compared to the other two - it's a more relaxed chain of events than in ASiP, but no less intriguing and is is a really nice precursor to the next episode where things go a bit pearshaped and rather less fun. Going by the standards of our two men here, crashing dates, solving ciphers and being kidnapped by evil Chinese people is rather fun for them as opposed to the depression that life-without-a-case would most likely pose for them.
Spirits
Ahhh, this song. Just the sound of it fits so well. It sort of makes me think about how they're settled in their lives as flatmates and friends and colleagues now and things are going well and steady. It's a laid back sort of relationship they've got going by now and they're totally at ease with each other and whatever constitutes as socially acceptable for them. I mean, seriously, Sherlock gives John his card so he can go shopping. It's an odd thing to do unless you're totally at ease with each other. So they're settled in their friendship and are really just enjoying life as it is in this episode - solving crime, being epic bros, and just being generally perfect together.
Company
I chose this song because it describes Sherlock so well. And panel by panel and piece by piece / This all fits together but it's not what you think - This part especially reminded me of the little scene in their living room where John gets ready for his date with Sarah and Sherlock goes "this is what I've been suggesting". They're absolutely not dating, they're absolutely not wanting to date each other (or so they say), but they do pretty much everything together that their friendship just sort of bleeds over the lines already and they inevitably do things for each other that will be mistaken for couple-y things. (Not that I'm complaining.) And then we've got Sherlock crashing their date at the circus and yeah, he went there for other reasons but it seems to me that he's also looking for John's company, as contrary as it is to his character. And well, it's not like John doesn't let him, is it? He could be more angry, more forceful about things, but honestly, if he uses Sherlock's card to go shopping he also knows his pin code and I don't know, but I've known my best friend for six years now and I don't know hers. They're just gravitating towards each other and the other's company, looking for it, despite the date with Sarah, despite just being "colleagues" and they're not a serious couple. They're just having fun in whichever way works for them. Why be lonely if they can do silly things together?
the great game
“I will burn the heart out of you.”
“You've rather shown your hand there, Dr Watson.”
For this episode I chose these two quotes quite on purpose. I was going to go for one but once I thought about it these two just fit the best. We've got the first one for Sherlock and the second one for John, quite obviously. Over the course of season 1 we've gone from lonely strangers to you-are-my-heart and I-would-die-for-you. Quite a step and I'm not sure if there is anything I can really say here. Season 1 culminates in an epic showdown between Sherlock and our evil overlord Moriarty and we learn that Sherlock and John are not just friends. They mean the world to each other. That's what it all boils down to and it's quite frankly a bit intimidating that these two men can rely so much on each other. I didn't choose the first one just for the whole drama at the end of the episode, but rather because it's really true. Sherlock certainly knows how to play with other people's emotions, how to fake them in order to get what he wants but aside from that? John is his moral center, he relies on John to tell him when something he's said or done is a "bit not good". He listens to John when other people listen to their hearts and that's what it boils down to in the final showdown.
As for the second quote, it's just such a profound statement coming from Moriarty. He kidnaps John as the fifth pip, certainly not without reason. He knows John means something to Sherlock but this quote sort of makes it seem that he isn't quite aware of how much Sherlock actually means to John. Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't, but that quote certainly made me question whether or not he does. What I do know? John is ready to die for Sherlock and take Moriarty down with him. He tells Sherlock to run. Of course he'd probably tell just about anyone to do so but he certainly has reasons to be angry with Sherlock for being pulled into this whole mess, but he decides to stand with him, to die for him, instead of abandoning their friendship like so many other people would have.
Natural Disaster
What struck me the most about this song were the lines You're your own worst enemy, / At war with yourself, but you can't see. We finally meet Moriarty and he's pretty much just like Sherlock, except that he uses his genius for committing crime instead of solving it. They're like mirror images of one another, only there's a good and a bad image. And John gets caught up in this war between minds, gets kidnapped and has some nice semtex strapped on like he's just another casualty in this game of genius. And when we see him, the question that comes up is whether or not he actually is just another casualty in the game. Sherlock didn't care about the other victims. But he cares about John, we can see that in his face, and Moriarty knows it too.
Dark Paradise
It's a bit of an odd song choice, I suppose, but I fell in love with it the second I thought of putting it in this place. The song itself is just so haunting and captivating, much like the game that Sherlock is playing. It reminds me of his relationships with both John and Moriarty, which I suppose is what resounded the most with me. He's playing this dangerous game and he's exhilarated by the puzzles, by what Moriarty is doing for him, it's like paradise for Sherlock Holmes, but it's tinged with dark and evil undertones. It's enticing and engaging and even though he should know better - even though he should not be stupid - he lets himself be drawn in. And the same is mirrored in his relationship with John. He relies on John heavily, finds himself drawn in despite the seemingly normal person that he is and that is enticing too. And then he arrives at the pool and he sees John and you can see how much it affects him. And my headcanon there is that for a moment he considers John to be Moriarty - and wouldn't that just be fascinating, to have been duped by a seemingly average man? And then he finds out that it's not like that and the lyrics that resounded the most with me were just so fitting for this whole scene, in my opinion anyway. [...] your face is / Like a melody, it won't leave my head just reminded me of what a revelation it must've been to Sherlock when he realised that a) Moriarty had John, b) Moriarty thinks John is his heart and c) Moriarty completely nailed that deduction.
during
“Love is a much more vicious motivator.”
This part is more like a transition from first season to second season, from flatmates to best friends, from strangers to soulmates. I chose this quote because it describes the pending events so well. Sherlock has changed a lot over the course of three episodes and a comparison between the seasons shows that quite well. They've transcended the simplicity of who they were and have become more and a lot of the time sentiment, caring, love are focused on. Be it in the form of sentiment in others or realising that despite all precautions certain people are after all human and do things out of love. Love and passion are very very strong motivators for crime as well as other stupid things. And as we go into the second season there's a definite shift in the life of Sherlock and John. It has been acknowledged that John is Sherlock's heart and at the same time John cares very deeply about Sherlock, too, or else he wouldn't put up with him and his behaviour. Call it love, call it caring, call it sentiment, but it's there between them, it goes both ways and more often than not it's what motivates them.
Lights
Gosh, why did I pick this? I'm trying to remember if I had any particular reasons but I suppose it's more of a "this just fits" situation here. It just brings out how much Sherlock and John have evolved. They're each other's light, they bring out new (and possibly better) things in each other and it's because of this shift in their friendship. Sherlock relies on John to be his social and moral guide while John lets himself fall deeper into this net Sherlock is weaving around him. He's called in by Sherlock's genius and the danger that Sherlock provides, whereas Sherlock positively thrives as a human being in John's guidance and friendship. And it's not just in places where they can be seen by others, where it might make a difference whether or not Sherlock is rude. They still behave this way when they're on their own, when they're home where nobody can see them and it just goes so much deeper than a superficial colleague relationship.
a scandal in belgravia
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.”
Okay, I'll admit this is ridiculously shippy. I tried to keep it out, I tried! But I'm going to say that even if you don't ship them, this quote can make sense. I don't see why people can't be in love with friends. It's totally possible. It doesn't have to result in anything. Let people be in love with each other and happy! Okay, done with that PSA. The second I stumbled over this quote in my collection I couldn't help but think of two scenes. Firstly the one in Battersea where Irene Adler declares that he and Sherlock are a couple and secondly the one in 221b - just before Irene says some rather fantastical things about mercy and begging and twice - where Sherlock does the whole deciphering thing of the phone stuff and John sets down his cup in slowmotion. I'm sure it wasn't intended that way by the writers, but it makes so much sense with the quote I chose. We see Irene telling John that they're a couple and he vehemently denies it because he's not gay (he says not gay and yes, this is my shipper heart grasping at straws but this goddamn emphasis on this? yeah, he never actually says he's not completely mesmerised and in love with Sherlock) and then just a bit later we get this and it looks like some kind of realisation just hits him. Of course I mentioned these two scenes because they work so well with my ideas but the quote is just such a clear way to phrase how their relationship has shifted. Oh we've seen them do awesome things before but now? They're all up in each other's space - more than before, anyway - and we get a pretty good comparison between Sherlock and Irene. We see both of them naked, both of them vulnerable and John? He doesn't mind Sherlock in a sheet but isn't very happy at seeing Irene naked. He gets all up in Sherlock's space in the bedroom helping him but can't bring up much of his friendly compassion when Irene is the one looking all vulnerable. So the cup scene? Yeah, it just strikes me as some kind of epiphany moment, the second where he realises why he doesn't like Irene getting all up in Sherlock's space, that what she said at Battersea - all of it, that they're a couple, that they're both interested in Sherlock - is true and that whole slowmo scene just reeks of jealousy and indignation and possibly amazement at what Sherlock can do and what am I even saying anymore.
And since this mix is focused on not just John, have something about Sherlock too: The quote applies to him just as well. Perhaps not quite in this episode but it happens in The Great Game. He does things with John throughout the first season and it's all fun and games and they're friends and colleagues until suddenly something happens, John does something and he's in love with him and John is his heart. Falling in love is as much a process of actually falling in love as it is a moment of realisation. It's a slow process until you realise it and then it's all at once, the way it is for these two idiots, whether they're platonic or not.
Elizabeth
So this song seems like an odd choice judging by the title BUT it has totally made me headcanon that Sherlock's middle name is Elizabeth the lyrics are just so so so perfect. I feel like I'm saying this about all the songs, but they aaaare. It fits well with my theory of John realising how much Sherlock means to him. It's always him. It always has been. All his girlfriends know it, all the people they meet in London can see it and when he finally realises it's like it just clicks that is has always been Sherlock all along and if anyone can break John's heart, if anyone can elicit genuine heartfelt feelings in John, it's Sherlock. He doesn't seem too fussed about his girlfriend leaving, does he? But he sounds terribly jealous and protective of Sherlock in the face of Irene. And after his latest girlfriend leaves him we don't see much of him trying to pull any more women. Considering the amount of girlfriends that he went through from Sarah to the last one (can you tell that I can't remember her name?) there's an odd dearth of them afterwards. So maybe he just realises that Sherlock will always come first for him and there's no point in denying it. Sherlock has taken his heart away and he might not care for it, might break it as he goes along, but nobody else is worth it really.
Pull Me Through
This song, good god. Is there anything that doesn't remind me of their relationship? I don't know who else to turn to just brings to mind the moment when they're at Irene's place and Sherlock turns to John as his fixed point in deductions. He can't deduce Irene, so he turns to John to verify. In general, when social things are out of his reach, who does he turn to? John. The next bit of lyrics isn't much different; When life is a struggle and I am in trouble / I need you to pull me through. I think it just describes really well that Sherlock relies a lot on John in every possible way. We see John taking care of Sherlock after Irene has drugged him, we hear about John (and Mrs Hudson) frisking the whole flat whenever danger nights are looming. The most important thing in his life, the person who will stick with Sherlock through everything? It's always John and whether or not he knows it Sherlock quite openly shows it a lot of times.
the hounds of baskerville
“Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends.”
Where do I even begin to explain? It was probably the "friends" bit of the quote that got my attention because that topic is such a big deal in this episode. I mean, god knows how much of what Sherlock said was actually true when he apologised, but it struck a chord. Out of all the people he would actually consider his friends - not just generally people who are his friends even though he is unaware of it, but genuinely people that he views as friends - there is only one person that he actually calls this. The quote just moved something in me. It makes me think of the fireplace scene where Sherlock is scared and confused and John doesn't believe him (not that I blame him). Out of the people whose opinion and support matter only one is actually physically available and he leaves Sherlock in a state of confusing emotions instead of sticking with him (again, not that I blame him). But being left at that moment, it just drives home the fact that so far Sherlock hasn't managed to keep anyone around and now John seems to be leaving him too. At least then.
In reverse, the same is true for John, I suppose. Sherlock tells him that he doesn't have friends and well, that's a harsh thing to hear, isn't it? And then we later see John walking away from Sherlock, telling him that it's alright and that it doesn't matter like he's pulling up defensive walls around himself because the one person who matters denounced his importance so viciously. The whole episode is just a constant back and forth of "how deep does their friendship go" and how things affect them. They're both so terribly codependent and they both have to deal with trust issues and quite possibly some abandonment issues thrown in there as well judging from the things that happen and that's why I find the quote so perfect for this.
Soil, Soil
Frankly I'm not sure anymore why exactly I picked this but when I listened to it it just clicked in a way, I suppose. They're directionless without each other, really. They're not unable to do things but they're better together. When John doesn't believe Sherlock it's a bit like Sherlock's losing the one thing that makes sense and when Sherlock rebuffs him so harshly, John doesn't look that certain either about what to do. He's randomly sitting in a churchyard later! Sure, that's a pretty location and of course he does the whole UMQRA thing and the flirting with the therapist between the fireplace and the churchyard but they both look a bit lost when they're not best pals. What struck me most about the song were the lyrics But that's to be expected / And I know that best because, in my headcanon theories, Sherlock knows that sooner or later John will be dull and boring and normal and disbelieving, the same way that John knows that sooner or later Sherlock is going to be a dick to him and do something rude. He could've just left completely but instead he stuck around and I doubt it's just because of the case or his inability to drive.
Go Away
Ah, just look at the lyrics. In my opinion they perfectly describe what happens to Sherlock emotionally in this season. The go away bits are really fireplace-y but the ones that I put down up there remind me of the apology - as calculated and manipulative as it was - because the things that Sherlock says have a profound impact. He could've said something else, could've made up god knows what, he's a genius for god's sake, but instead he has this emotion-laden speech for John. Of course he knows how to play other people's feelings and could've just said all that to get back into John's good graces, but saying things like that? They have consequences. John is bound to believe them and we've seen right from the start of the show that Sherlock cares about what John thinks of him. He could've made other plausible explanations and John would've been fine with it, surely, but instead he apologises and pretty much declares his eternal friendship to John. And in connection to the quote he could've just found somebody else to experiment on, could've left John alone and fixed things later, but he undoes his rejection and keeps John as a friend.
the reichenbach fall
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.”
THIS QUOTE OH MY GOD. This goddamn quote. Brb, having a teary breakdown for a moment. I'm mostly focusing on the end of the episode with this one and I think my explanation is going to be relatively short, for once. At the end of the episode we've got both Sherlock and John on the losing side. Sherlock loses his home, his work, his friends, his whole life and John loses his best friend, the man he kept orbiting around, everything that made his life a fantastic one. They're both losing and it's all because of sentiment, something that Sherlock once would've denied to feel. He's gone from rude twat who mocks other people's emotional attachment to jumping off a building so that the people he is emotionally attached to won't come to harm. And in the end everyone loses.
Maybe
THIS SONG. I could've made this whole mix just out of Ingrid Michaelson songs, to be honest, and choosing only one was at first really difficult and then suddenly surprisingly easy. This song is purely John. Think the scene where he's begging for one more miracle, for Sherlock to come back to him, for him. He's utterly devastated and has seen Sherlock jump and yet he stands there asking for him to come back. And John Watson does not strike me as a man who asks for things he knows he won't get. That's how much this has affected him, how much he suffers.
Gracious
Where Maybe is purely John, I feel like this song is purely Sherlock as he watches John at the end. He can't do more than watch him now and I don't think he can hear what John says. But even so he must see that John is different, empty somehow. The little half-turn John does says more than a thousands words could. He copes with it the only way he can - by relying on his military training, by soldiering on. But that's not the John Watson who ran with Sherlock Holmes. He's just a shell, graciously making his way through the ruins of his life, like a ghost and all Sherlock can do is watch and finish Moriarty's web. And then the little bit at the end of the lyrics I chose, the My dear, just reminded me of the letter Holmes leaves Watson with the line "and believe me to be, my dear fellow, very sincerely yours, Sherlock Holmes" and it just all fits and makes sense and this song had to be on this mix because of reasons.
after
“That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
We've already seen how John copes with the loss - not well at all. Try as he might, he can't stop feeling the pain of loss, and even as he tries to soldier on, his voice breaks, the pain comes out. We don't know what will happen until the third season happens but from what we've seen? John's going to be affected quite a bit and for quite some time. Pain won't just stop because you ask it nicely.
Similarly, I can see Sherlock missing John terribly. He's got used to him, hasn't he? He declared John his friend, he jumped for him and has lost just as much but it has got to be simultaneously better and worse for him. Better because his friends didn't die. Worse because he knows that they're just out of his reach and he can't get to them until he has finished his mission. He may not be the most emotional human being in the universe but we've seen him being capable of sentiment and feeling pain goes along with that, even if it doesn't manifest in extreme ways.
They're both going to go through heaps of pain, longing, the feeling of loss while Sherlock's gone and there's nothing they will be able to do about that.
World Spins Madly On
I chose this one because it reveals just how things are going to affect them. John may be trying to soldier on but that's only a sign that he's a bit lost in his life now. His whole life came crashing down and took away the most important thing and the world dares to keep turning, dares to keep moving when it really doesn't deserve to. The world doesn't deserve to turn when it has taken his best friend, his soulmate from him. We've seen how John was after the war, before he met Sherlock. It's going to be much of the same now, isn't it? What's the point of life for him without Sherlock?
And for Sherlock it's going to be similar. He's got to destroy Moriarty's organisation completely and there's only so much time at his hands, only so much he can do in a day, only so much he can do for John. And the world won't stop turning, it won't stop for him so that he can finish the thing faster, it won't stop so that he has to spend much less time away from home. And it's not like he'll be able to catch a break if he wants to fix this. And yet he indulges in his sentiment for a moment when he watches John at his grave. Is it a good thing? In the process of eliminating the web this little scene is a complete standstill while the world - the web - keeps moving.
Subject: Sherlock and John
Title: Just Have More To Lose
Warnings/Notes: Uhm, spoilers for all episodes because there's a lot of rambling about them in my post (I'm not even sorry). Also a lot of headcanon ramblings, so beware. Made for round 3 at waywardmixes for the theme "quotes". I apologise for how in love I am with my mix, it's not healthy to be this egotistical, I'm sure.
show & characters
If you don't know Sherlock or any other adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes novels, I'm impressed. That said, all you need to know is that the show - and all the other adaptations, no matter how much artistic license has been taken - is about a great detective who shares a flat with an invalided army doctor. Together they solve crimes. For fun. Well. Sherlock Holmes solves crimes and Doctor John Watson blogs about it. Over time (~a day~), they become the epicest of friends and they'd literally kill and die for each other. If you do know Sherlock, congratulations for surviving. I'm impressed. Feel free to let out all your feelings in the comments below (you'd think I'd be over it, it's been over three months now, but nope, I'm not). If you haven't seen it yet and don't want to be spoiled, I suggest you don't read my lengthy ramblings about why I chose these quotes and songs. To everyone else, I'm sorry for all the ramblings, I'm afraid once you let me talk about these two people I won't shut up for a long time.
extra notes
When I signed up for this round at waywardmixes, I told myself I didn't know what to go for, just that I wanted to participate in this round (because omg epic theme, y/y). Anyway, ~in my heart of hearts~ I knew I wanted to do Sherlock and that I wanted to make it John&Sherlock specific. For a short while I considered other fandoms (I failed greatly, as you can see) but I always came back to this. I didn't really start out with much of a theme, although I did have a bunch of quotes already. And then it just evolved into this thing and I don't know if it's shippy or just epic bros but considering that I'll take my John&Sherlock any way I can get it, I suppose the best way to describe it is "it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is". The theme itself has inspired me so fucking much and once I got around to working on my mix, on finding the quotes, things just evolved and I have so many feelings to shaaaare.
the mix
“But why, why do we love something if loving something just makes us stupid and just have more to lose?”
( PUSHING DAISIES )
JUST HAVE MORE TO LOSE
a sherlock fanmix
“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
( THE OLD KINGDOM by GARTH NIX )
01. I FOLLOW RIVERS ( LYKKE LI )
Be my only, be the water and I'm wading
You're my river running high, run deep run wild
“I am a mass of contradictions.”
( 13 LITTLE BLUE ENVELOPES by MAUREEN JOHNSON )
02. CONDUCTOR ( WE WERE PROMISED JETPACKS )
Cause you are a fine wine
Another fine, fine wine
Pointing at me
And hearing me speak
03. YOU TURN ME ROUND ( AQUALUNG )
When the sun sets around me
My daydreams confound me
And the long night surrounds me
You turn me around
“Sadness can find you anywhere, anytime, so you better have fun when you can.”
( THE CROWNING GLORY OF CALLA LILY PONDER by REBECCA WELLS )
04. SPIRITS ( JAMIE WOON )
Ladies and Gentlemen
Surely we're here in mind
Watching our spirits dance on the
On the backs of our lives
05. COMPANY ( AN HORSE )
Oh I'm blushing on the inside
It's those damn green eyes
And panel by panel and piece by piece
This all fits together but it's not what you think
“I will burn the heart out of you.”
“You've rather shown your hand there, Dr Watson.”
( SHERLOCK )
06. NATURAL DISASTER ( ALEXZ JOHNSON )
Am I another casualty?
In the battle you're fighting?
You're your own worst enemy,
At war with yourself, but you can't see.
07. DARK PARADISE ( LANA DEL REY )
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
“Love is a much more vicious motivator.”
( SHERLOCK )
08. LIGHTS ( ELLIE GOULDING )
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.”
( THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by JOHN GREEN )
09. ELIZABETH ( TRADING YESTERDAY )
Cause her name is always Elizabeth
And she'll take your heart away and apologize for breaking it
Just the same, love of any other kind
Would simply be a waste of time to me
10. PULL ME THROUGH ( TYRONE WELLS )
Pull me through
I need someone to hold on to
Pull me through
I don't know who else to turn to
When life is a struggle and I am in trouble
I need you to pull me through
“Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends.”
( GARDEN SPELLS by SARAH ADDISON ALLEN )
11. SOIL, SOIL ( TEGAN AND SARA )
Oh and I'm feeling
Directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
12. GO AWAY ( EISLEY )
Finally it all makes sense
I could keep this all from you
And I could make a statement based on truth
But then it all comes tumbling down
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.”
( SHERLOCK )
13. MAYBE ( INGRID MICHAELSON )
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me
14. GRACIOUS ( BEN HOWARD )
Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear
“That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
( THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by JOHN GREEN )
15. WORLD SPINS MADLY ON ( THE WEEPIES )
Woke up and wish that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
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explanations & thoughts
I divided the mix into nine parts. Sort of. It all makes sense on my spreadsheet, actually. I chose ten (eleven, really) quotes, with one as the general theme, I suppose, and the other nine as headlines for each part. I probably misinterpreted a lot of the lyrics but this is what I thought of when I chose the songs and it all made sense in my head. Many thanks to wildpages who had to suffer through my flailings while making this. It's not absolutely necessary to read everything I wrote, because it's, uhm, a bit much. The bit about the main quote though, yes? Read that. :)
the overarching theme
“But why, why do we love something if loving something just makes us stupid and just have more to lose?” (Pushing Daisies)
I chose this one for the overarching theme because it's such a fitting phrase. Sherlock is a genius and somehow when he loves something he does really stupid things. He loves his work and he does things that almost get him killed on a regular basis. He loves John and he falters and shows his emotions at inopportune times. He loves correcting and insulting people and generally flaunting his genius in everyone's faces but he doesn't realise when to shut the fuck up in court, when to not drug your friend, when to not randomly go with a killer knowing that he is a killer. Honestly, for a genius Sherlock Holmes does a lot of stupid things when it involves the things he loves. And John is much the same - he is a shell of his true self after the war. Everything that he loves - saving people, the adrenaline coursing through him in the face of danger - is gone until he meets Sherlock Holmes who puts it back into his life. He thrives on this so much that he, too, does stupid things. He illegally shoots a man! He sticks with Sherlock even when he knows that he might not live to see the next day. He becomes Sherlock Holmes' friend even though everyone warns him away, even though he should know that it's a terrible idea at best. His best friend abandons him time and time again or experiments on him or enemies decide to use him as leverage and they're both not just a little insane just because they both care about each other. As you can see, I used part of this quote for the title of my fanmix, because it fits just that well. Sherlock goes from rude and impossible to deal with to annoying dick who has friends he could lose. It's a massive step for this ridiculous man and it has everything to do with having John in his life. As for John, he had lost everything when he came back from the war and he has found so much - so much more - in Sherlock that he's changed too. Caring has quite definitely resulted in having more to lose for Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.
before
“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
It's a very interesting question, isn't it? And I think it fits very well for pre-series John and Sherlock. They both don't know each other yet, they're both on their respective paths and the quote made me wonder if they were always meant to meet each other. They're clearly both able to live their lives without the other's influence (however that may have worked out for them in the past) but they make each other better, they raise each other to new levels and it made me wonder. Would they still have crossed paths if John had become a soldier instead of an army doctor, if he had become a regular surgeon instead of a doctor working in the army? Would he have been happy with doing just one of those things? Would they still have met if Sherlock had become a consulting criminal instead, if he had followed in his brother's footsteps and worked for the government? Would he have been properly engaged doing those things? I think John could've certainly compensated for his adrenaline addiction somehow and with the right amount of mental stimulation Sherlock could've been moderately fine with whatever he would've been doing, but I think it's their respective paths that created this amazing symbiosis between these two people. They may have chosen their path, but it was the path that brought them to each other and made them into better people.
I Follow Rivers
When I found the quote this song just made sense. The lyrics themselves are about as ambiguous as the path metaphor (aside from the fact that they fit the theme of the book that the quote is from) and for me it just fits. Be my only, be the water and I'm wading / You're my river running high, run deep run wild - Before they meet Sherlock's work, the need to stave off boredom, is everything to him. Before they meet John is thoroughly entrenched in the army which gives him the danger that he'll later miss. Their respective careers and ways of life are their water. And they follow their paths - their rivers - in life until they meet and then they become each other's path/river and start following each other and that's when suddenly things get spun around and while they still orbit around their respective needs for not!boredom and danger, they're suddenly part of each other's river so to speak. Sherlock certainly doesn't need John, he's done his work on his own for five years already before John came along and yet he takes an avid interest in John once they do meet. John in turn certainly doesn't need Sherlock as more than a flatmate and yet they can keep away from each other. Sherlock calls and he comes running and suddenly his whole life is filled with Sherlock.
On top of that, the sound of the song just has a certain feel to it - like it's waiting for something. It's good and steady like their paths but it's patiently waiting for something more, just like their lives.
a study in pink
“I am a mass of contradictions.”
Well, I may have accidentally just spilled all my feelings in the above paragraphs, but this one's pretty lovely. I chose it because it describes so well how contrary the characters are in and of itself. Look at Sherlock: He doesn't like people at all, but he works with them because he must in order to get some juicy murder mysteries into his hands. He wears ridiculously expensive clothes even though they're all a size too small but is looking for a flatmate. He claims to be a sociopath and we probably won't ever know if it's actually true or not, but most of the time he doesn't seem to be anything more than a particularly awful wanker. In comparison, John doesn't fare much better. He's a war veteran who, for all intents and purposes, should suffer from PTSD but he doesn't. Instead the things that his therapist ascribes to PTSD are really because he misses the war, the danger, the flying bullets, the men relying on his skills as a doctor. He wears cuddly jumpers and takes justice into his own hands by shooting the bad guy. He has a limp but doesn't need to rest his leg. They're both completely contradictory in just about everything and then decide to move in together barely a day after they first met. They're nothing if not a mass of contradictions.
Conductor
While this song might've worked at a later point in the story, I found it best fitting here. The lyrics just reminded me so much of the cab scene where Sherlock is genuinely surprised that John is in awe of his deductions and not the least bit offended. John is the one person who won't tell him to piss off. He lets him speak and willingly listens to his deductions even though they ought to offend him. He lets Sherlock be who he is and isn't all that fussed really. He's basically a conductor for Sherlock to be himself and, as we later on learn, John being the bouncee in the whole bouncing-ideas-off-of-someone spiel between the two of them works really well for Sherlock.
You Turn Me Round
It goes well with the quote I chose because somehow these two men meet and manage to completely defy everyone's expectations. When the episode begins John wakes up in a lonely bedsit and he misses the war fiercely. He seems lethargic and directionless. He meets Sherlock Holmes and is cured of his limp and gets a fix for his adrenaline addiction. When we first meet Sherlock he's viciously beating a corpse and he shamelessly uses Molly's affections in his favour. He's a dick and a presumptuous one at that. He meets John and tries very hard to leave a good impression for John - think the drug's bust, the tidying scene, the whole thing at Angelo's and the chase through London right afterwards. From what we've learned he's not a people person at all and yet John manages to bring out something else in him. And in the end John has killed a man for Sherlock, and Sherlock stops himself in his deductions to protect John. It doesn't make sense and yet this is what they do for each other.
the blind banker
“Sadness can find you anywhere, anytime, so you better have fun when you can.”
This quote is a bit of a difficult one because it seems so random, but it really isn't. The second I saw that quote I had to think of this episode. I suppose it's because John finds himself a girlfriend and a job, something that makes the dull parts of his life more fun. The quote also describes the episode quite well when compared to the other two - it's a more relaxed chain of events than in ASiP, but no less intriguing and is is a really nice precursor to the next episode where things go a bit pearshaped and rather less fun. Going by the standards of our two men here, crashing dates, solving ciphers and being kidnapped by evil Chinese people is rather fun for them as opposed to the depression that life-without-a-case would most likely pose for them.
Spirits
Ahhh, this song. Just the sound of it fits so well. It sort of makes me think about how they're settled in their lives as flatmates and friends and colleagues now and things are going well and steady. It's a laid back sort of relationship they've got going by now and they're totally at ease with each other and whatever constitutes as socially acceptable for them. I mean, seriously, Sherlock gives John his card so he can go shopping. It's an odd thing to do unless you're totally at ease with each other. So they're settled in their friendship and are really just enjoying life as it is in this episode - solving crime, being epic bros, and just being generally perfect together.
Company
I chose this song because it describes Sherlock so well. And panel by panel and piece by piece / This all fits together but it's not what you think - This part especially reminded me of the little scene in their living room where John gets ready for his date with Sarah and Sherlock goes "this is what I've been suggesting". They're absolutely not dating, they're absolutely not wanting to date each other (or so they say), but they do pretty much everything together that their friendship just sort of bleeds over the lines already and they inevitably do things for each other that will be mistaken for couple-y things. (Not that I'm complaining.) And then we've got Sherlock crashing their date at the circus and yeah, he went there for other reasons but it seems to me that he's also looking for John's company, as contrary as it is to his character. And well, it's not like John doesn't let him, is it? He could be more angry, more forceful about things, but honestly, if he uses Sherlock's card to go shopping he also knows his pin code and I don't know, but I've known my best friend for six years now and I don't know hers. They're just gravitating towards each other and the other's company, looking for it, despite the date with Sarah, despite just being "colleagues" and they're not a serious couple. They're just having fun in whichever way works for them. Why be lonely if they can do silly things together?
the great game
“I will burn the heart out of you.”
“You've rather shown your hand there, Dr Watson.”
For this episode I chose these two quotes quite on purpose. I was going to go for one but once I thought about it these two just fit the best. We've got the first one for Sherlock and the second one for John, quite obviously. Over the course of season 1 we've gone from lonely strangers to you-are-my-heart and I-would-die-for-you. Quite a step and I'm not sure if there is anything I can really say here. Season 1 culminates in an epic showdown between Sherlock and our evil overlord Moriarty and we learn that Sherlock and John are not just friends. They mean the world to each other. That's what it all boils down to and it's quite frankly a bit intimidating that these two men can rely so much on each other. I didn't choose the first one just for the whole drama at the end of the episode, but rather because it's really true. Sherlock certainly knows how to play with other people's emotions, how to fake them in order to get what he wants but aside from that? John is his moral center, he relies on John to tell him when something he's said or done is a "bit not good". He listens to John when other people listen to their hearts and that's what it boils down to in the final showdown.
As for the second quote, it's just such a profound statement coming from Moriarty. He kidnaps John as the fifth pip, certainly not without reason. He knows John means something to Sherlock but this quote sort of makes it seem that he isn't quite aware of how much Sherlock actually means to John. Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't, but that quote certainly made me question whether or not he does. What I do know? John is ready to die for Sherlock and take Moriarty down with him. He tells Sherlock to run. Of course he'd probably tell just about anyone to do so but he certainly has reasons to be angry with Sherlock for being pulled into this whole mess, but he decides to stand with him, to die for him, instead of abandoning their friendship like so many other people would have.
Natural Disaster
What struck me the most about this song were the lines You're your own worst enemy, / At war with yourself, but you can't see. We finally meet Moriarty and he's pretty much just like Sherlock, except that he uses his genius for committing crime instead of solving it. They're like mirror images of one another, only there's a good and a bad image. And John gets caught up in this war between minds, gets kidnapped and has some nice semtex strapped on like he's just another casualty in this game of genius. And when we see him, the question that comes up is whether or not he actually is just another casualty in the game. Sherlock didn't care about the other victims. But he cares about John, we can see that in his face, and Moriarty knows it too.
Dark Paradise
It's a bit of an odd song choice, I suppose, but I fell in love with it the second I thought of putting it in this place. The song itself is just so haunting and captivating, much like the game that Sherlock is playing. It reminds me of his relationships with both John and Moriarty, which I suppose is what resounded the most with me. He's playing this dangerous game and he's exhilarated by the puzzles, by what Moriarty is doing for him, it's like paradise for Sherlock Holmes, but it's tinged with dark and evil undertones. It's enticing and engaging and even though he should know better - even though he should not be stupid - he lets himself be drawn in. And the same is mirrored in his relationship with John. He relies on John heavily, finds himself drawn in despite the seemingly normal person that he is and that is enticing too. And then he arrives at the pool and he sees John and you can see how much it affects him. And my headcanon there is that for a moment he considers John to be Moriarty - and wouldn't that just be fascinating, to have been duped by a seemingly average man? And then he finds out that it's not like that and the lyrics that resounded the most with me were just so fitting for this whole scene, in my opinion anyway. [...] your face is / Like a melody, it won't leave my head just reminded me of what a revelation it must've been to Sherlock when he realised that a) Moriarty had John, b) Moriarty thinks John is his heart and c) Moriarty completely nailed that deduction.
during
“Love is a much more vicious motivator.”
This part is more like a transition from first season to second season, from flatmates to best friends, from strangers to soulmates. I chose this quote because it describes the pending events so well. Sherlock has changed a lot over the course of three episodes and a comparison between the seasons shows that quite well. They've transcended the simplicity of who they were and have become more and a lot of the time sentiment, caring, love are focused on. Be it in the form of sentiment in others or realising that despite all precautions certain people are after all human and do things out of love. Love and passion are very very strong motivators for crime as well as other stupid things. And as we go into the second season there's a definite shift in the life of Sherlock and John. It has been acknowledged that John is Sherlock's heart and at the same time John cares very deeply about Sherlock, too, or else he wouldn't put up with him and his behaviour. Call it love, call it caring, call it sentiment, but it's there between them, it goes both ways and more often than not it's what motivates them.
Lights
Gosh, why did I pick this? I'm trying to remember if I had any particular reasons but I suppose it's more of a "this just fits" situation here. It just brings out how much Sherlock and John have evolved. They're each other's light, they bring out new (and possibly better) things in each other and it's because of this shift in their friendship. Sherlock relies on John to be his social and moral guide while John lets himself fall deeper into this net Sherlock is weaving around him. He's called in by Sherlock's genius and the danger that Sherlock provides, whereas Sherlock positively thrives as a human being in John's guidance and friendship. And it's not just in places where they can be seen by others, where it might make a difference whether or not Sherlock is rude. They still behave this way when they're on their own, when they're home where nobody can see them and it just goes so much deeper than a superficial colleague relationship.
a scandal in belgravia
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.”
Okay, I'll admit this is ridiculously shippy. I tried to keep it out, I tried! But I'm going to say that even if you don't ship them, this quote can make sense. I don't see why people can't be in love with friends. It's totally possible. It doesn't have to result in anything. Let people be in love with each other and happy! Okay, done with that PSA. The second I stumbled over this quote in my collection I couldn't help but think of two scenes. Firstly the one in Battersea where Irene Adler declares that he and Sherlock are a couple and secondly the one in 221b - just before Irene says some rather fantastical things about mercy and begging and twice - where Sherlock does the whole deciphering thing of the phone stuff and John sets down his cup in slowmotion. I'm sure it wasn't intended that way by the writers, but it makes so much sense with the quote I chose. We see Irene telling John that they're a couple and he vehemently denies it because he's not gay (he says not gay and yes, this is my shipper heart grasping at straws but this goddamn emphasis on this? yeah, he never actually says he's not completely mesmerised and in love with Sherlock) and then just a bit later we get this and it looks like some kind of realisation just hits him. Of course I mentioned these two scenes because they work so well with my ideas but the quote is just such a clear way to phrase how their relationship has shifted. Oh we've seen them do awesome things before but now? They're all up in each other's space - more than before, anyway - and we get a pretty good comparison between Sherlock and Irene. We see both of them naked, both of them vulnerable and John? He doesn't mind Sherlock in a sheet but isn't very happy at seeing Irene naked. He gets all up in Sherlock's space in the bedroom helping him but can't bring up much of his friendly compassion when Irene is the one looking all vulnerable. So the cup scene? Yeah, it just strikes me as some kind of epiphany moment, the second where he realises why he doesn't like Irene getting all up in Sherlock's space, that what she said at Battersea - all of it, that they're a couple, that they're both interested in Sherlock - is true and that whole slowmo scene just reeks of jealousy and indignation and possibly amazement at what Sherlock can do and what am I even saying anymore.
And since this mix is focused on not just John, have something about Sherlock too: The quote applies to him just as well. Perhaps not quite in this episode but it happens in The Great Game. He does things with John throughout the first season and it's all fun and games and they're friends and colleagues until suddenly something happens, John does something and he's in love with him and John is his heart. Falling in love is as much a process of actually falling in love as it is a moment of realisation. It's a slow process until you realise it and then it's all at once, the way it is for these two idiots, whether they're platonic or not.
Elizabeth
So this song seems like an odd choice judging by the title BUT it has totally made me headcanon that Sherlock's middle name is Elizabeth the lyrics are just so so so perfect. I feel like I'm saying this about all the songs, but they aaaare. It fits well with my theory of John realising how much Sherlock means to him. It's always him. It always has been. All his girlfriends know it, all the people they meet in London can see it and when he finally realises it's like it just clicks that is has always been Sherlock all along and if anyone can break John's heart, if anyone can elicit genuine heartfelt feelings in John, it's Sherlock. He doesn't seem too fussed about his girlfriend leaving, does he? But he sounds terribly jealous and protective of Sherlock in the face of Irene. And after his latest girlfriend leaves him we don't see much of him trying to pull any more women. Considering the amount of girlfriends that he went through from Sarah to the last one (can you tell that I can't remember her name?) there's an odd dearth of them afterwards. So maybe he just realises that Sherlock will always come first for him and there's no point in denying it. Sherlock has taken his heart away and he might not care for it, might break it as he goes along, but nobody else is worth it really.
Pull Me Through
This song, good god. Is there anything that doesn't remind me of their relationship? I don't know who else to turn to just brings to mind the moment when they're at Irene's place and Sherlock turns to John as his fixed point in deductions. He can't deduce Irene, so he turns to John to verify. In general, when social things are out of his reach, who does he turn to? John. The next bit of lyrics isn't much different; When life is a struggle and I am in trouble / I need you to pull me through. I think it just describes really well that Sherlock relies a lot on John in every possible way. We see John taking care of Sherlock after Irene has drugged him, we hear about John (and Mrs Hudson) frisking the whole flat whenever danger nights are looming. The most important thing in his life, the person who will stick with Sherlock through everything? It's always John and whether or not he knows it Sherlock quite openly shows it a lot of times.
the hounds of baskerville
“Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends.”
Where do I even begin to explain? It was probably the "friends" bit of the quote that got my attention because that topic is such a big deal in this episode. I mean, god knows how much of what Sherlock said was actually true when he apologised, but it struck a chord. Out of all the people he would actually consider his friends - not just generally people who are his friends even though he is unaware of it, but genuinely people that he views as friends - there is only one person that he actually calls this. The quote just moved something in me. It makes me think of the fireplace scene where Sherlock is scared and confused and John doesn't believe him (not that I blame him). Out of the people whose opinion and support matter only one is actually physically available and he leaves Sherlock in a state of confusing emotions instead of sticking with him (again, not that I blame him). But being left at that moment, it just drives home the fact that so far Sherlock hasn't managed to keep anyone around and now John seems to be leaving him too. At least then.
In reverse, the same is true for John, I suppose. Sherlock tells him that he doesn't have friends and well, that's a harsh thing to hear, isn't it? And then we later see John walking away from Sherlock, telling him that it's alright and that it doesn't matter like he's pulling up defensive walls around himself because the one person who matters denounced his importance so viciously. The whole episode is just a constant back and forth of "how deep does their friendship go" and how things affect them. They're both so terribly codependent and they both have to deal with trust issues and quite possibly some abandonment issues thrown in there as well judging from the things that happen and that's why I find the quote so perfect for this.
Soil, Soil
Frankly I'm not sure anymore why exactly I picked this but when I listened to it it just clicked in a way, I suppose. They're directionless without each other, really. They're not unable to do things but they're better together. When John doesn't believe Sherlock it's a bit like Sherlock's losing the one thing that makes sense and when Sherlock rebuffs him so harshly, John doesn't look that certain either about what to do. He's randomly sitting in a churchyard later! Sure, that's a pretty location and of course he does the whole UMQRA thing and the flirting with the therapist between the fireplace and the churchyard but they both look a bit lost when they're not best pals. What struck me most about the song were the lyrics But that's to be expected / And I know that best because, in my headcanon theories, Sherlock knows that sooner or later John will be dull and boring and normal and disbelieving, the same way that John knows that sooner or later Sherlock is going to be a dick to him and do something rude. He could've just left completely but instead he stuck around and I doubt it's just because of the case or his inability to drive.
Go Away
Ah, just look at the lyrics. In my opinion they perfectly describe what happens to Sherlock emotionally in this season. The go away bits are really fireplace-y but the ones that I put down up there remind me of the apology - as calculated and manipulative as it was - because the things that Sherlock says have a profound impact. He could've said something else, could've made up god knows what, he's a genius for god's sake, but instead he has this emotion-laden speech for John. Of course he knows how to play other people's feelings and could've just said all that to get back into John's good graces, but saying things like that? They have consequences. John is bound to believe them and we've seen right from the start of the show that Sherlock cares about what John thinks of him. He could've made other plausible explanations and John would've been fine with it, surely, but instead he apologises and pretty much declares his eternal friendship to John. And in connection to the quote he could've just found somebody else to experiment on, could've left John alone and fixed things later, but he undoes his rejection and keeps John as a friend.
the reichenbach fall
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.”
THIS QUOTE OH MY GOD. This goddamn quote. Brb, having a teary breakdown for a moment. I'm mostly focusing on the end of the episode with this one and I think my explanation is going to be relatively short, for once. At the end of the episode we've got both Sherlock and John on the losing side. Sherlock loses his home, his work, his friends, his whole life and John loses his best friend, the man he kept orbiting around, everything that made his life a fantastic one. They're both losing and it's all because of sentiment, something that Sherlock once would've denied to feel. He's gone from rude twat who mocks other people's emotional attachment to jumping off a building so that the people he is emotionally attached to won't come to harm. And in the end everyone loses.
Maybe
THIS SONG. I could've made this whole mix just out of Ingrid Michaelson songs, to be honest, and choosing only one was at first really difficult and then suddenly surprisingly easy. This song is purely John. Think the scene where he's begging for one more miracle, for Sherlock to come back to him, for him. He's utterly devastated and has seen Sherlock jump and yet he stands there asking for him to come back. And John Watson does not strike me as a man who asks for things he knows he won't get. That's how much this has affected him, how much he suffers.
Gracious
Where Maybe is purely John, I feel like this song is purely Sherlock as he watches John at the end. He can't do more than watch him now and I don't think he can hear what John says. But even so he must see that John is different, empty somehow. The little half-turn John does says more than a thousands words could. He copes with it the only way he can - by relying on his military training, by soldiering on. But that's not the John Watson who ran with Sherlock Holmes. He's just a shell, graciously making his way through the ruins of his life, like a ghost and all Sherlock can do is watch and finish Moriarty's web. And then the little bit at the end of the lyrics I chose, the My dear, just reminded me of the letter Holmes leaves Watson with the line "and believe me to be, my dear fellow, very sincerely yours, Sherlock Holmes" and it just all fits and makes sense and this song had to be on this mix because of reasons.
after
“That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
We've already seen how John copes with the loss - not well at all. Try as he might, he can't stop feeling the pain of loss, and even as he tries to soldier on, his voice breaks, the pain comes out. We don't know what will happen until the third season happens but from what we've seen? John's going to be affected quite a bit and for quite some time. Pain won't just stop because you ask it nicely.
Similarly, I can see Sherlock missing John terribly. He's got used to him, hasn't he? He declared John his friend, he jumped for him and has lost just as much but it has got to be simultaneously better and worse for him. Better because his friends didn't die. Worse because he knows that they're just out of his reach and he can't get to them until he has finished his mission. He may not be the most emotional human being in the universe but we've seen him being capable of sentiment and feeling pain goes along with that, even if it doesn't manifest in extreme ways.
They're both going to go through heaps of pain, longing, the feeling of loss while Sherlock's gone and there's nothing they will be able to do about that.
World Spins Madly On
I chose this one because it reveals just how things are going to affect them. John may be trying to soldier on but that's only a sign that he's a bit lost in his life now. His whole life came crashing down and took away the most important thing and the world dares to keep turning, dares to keep moving when it really doesn't deserve to. The world doesn't deserve to turn when it has taken his best friend, his soulmate from him. We've seen how John was after the war, before he met Sherlock. It's going to be much of the same now, isn't it? What's the point of life for him without Sherlock?
And for Sherlock it's going to be similar. He's got to destroy Moriarty's organisation completely and there's only so much time at his hands, only so much he can do in a day, only so much he can do for John. And the world won't stop turning, it won't stop for him so that he can finish the thing faster, it won't stop so that he has to spend much less time away from home. And it's not like he'll be able to catch a break if he wants to fix this. And yet he indulges in his sentiment for a moment when he watches John at his grave. Is it a good thing? In the process of eliminating the web this little scene is a complete standstill while the world - the web - keeps moving.