'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Ten
A/N: I'm trying hard to crank these updates out as fast as I can, so hopefully they'll keep coming. For those of you who don't know, I hand write them out first, usually at work, and then have to re-type them later. So couple that with having a life, and it gets hard to get them out timely. But I'm trying hard, and hopefully we'll all see the results of that continue. :)
Now, if you could be a dear and leave your thoughts, I'd really be good to go!
Chapter Ten - Our Cruel Mistress, Reality
‘When the world falls down around you, where do you turn?’
As Karen breaks down into tears, Luke and Peyton both freeze, albeit for what are likely very different reasons. All the reacting I do is to reach out and take Karen’s hand in mine. To my surprise, it is Deb who steps in and takes control of the situation. She settles Karen at a stool, instructing Luke and I to take seats on either side of her. I comply with my former mother-in-law, still tightly gripping Karen’s hand as Deb hurries the few mid-morning coffee drinkers out the door before closing and locking it.
“What is going on?” Luke asks again, his voice hushed and his face pale as he stares at Karen. “I just don’t get it.”
“Just give her a minute,” Peyton interrupts softly. “Why don’t we move this to a table?” Deb blinks at her in surprise, almost as if she hadn’t expected anyone else to speak, but she recovers quickly and nods. “Okay, let’s move to the table then. It’ll be easier to - well, talk, I guess.”
Mindlessly, I once again do as instructed, never letting go of Karen’s hand as we shuffle over to the table. I’m filled with this icy, tight feeling of dread that is just about the worst feeling in the whole world. Everything about this is awful, and I have a sinking feeling that it will get a whole lot worse before it starts getting better again.
Deb sits down with us after collecting a tray of steaming mugs of coffee and hot chocolate that we all thoughtlessly reach for, mostly for something to do with our hands. Deb looks over at Karen, giving her a kind and supportive smile. “Tell them what you can, Karen. This is the best way to do this, in person and face to face. You all deserve that.”
Karen looks up, glancing around the table at each of us. She nods wearily as her gaze settles on Luke. “Oh, Lucas. I don’t know how to say this, honey. I’ve thought about it nearly incessantly, but it never seemed right, and now that it’s out there, I just keep coming back to the idea of just saying it. Lucas, I’m sick.”
“I - God, Mom, how long have you known? H-how dire is this?” Luke begins faintly, his voice promptly trailing off. When she doesn’t respond right away, he leans forward and grabs the hand that isn’t clenched tightly in one of mine. “Mom, how bad is it?”
“I have stage three breast cancer, Luke. The doctors found it a week ago, and we’re currently discussing treatment options.” No. Oh, God, no. “We’re figuring that out.”
“Oh, my gosh,” Peyton whispers, rapidly blinking back tears as she watches Luke. He is just staring blankly at Karen; I can’t tell if he is even processing this information or if his brain is managing to repel this awful knowledge the way mine wishes it could do. “What are the options?” Peyton asks quietly.
Luke stands up, shaking his head. “No, no options yet. I need some time to digest this before we talk about the options. I - I need some time to think about this and - and….”
Peyton and Karen stand up, too, and Peyton follows him as he heads into the kitchen. Karen looks over at me as more tears fall from her eyes. “I should go talk to him,” she says almost pleadingly, squeezing my hand tightly.
Swallowing around the huge lump in my throat, I nod. “Yes, go,” I immediately agree. “We’ll talk later. I - oh, no! I’m leaving soon. Maybe - I’m going to change my flight. Oh, but Chels’s graduation ceremony. No, she won’t mind, it’ll be okay.”
“Honey, calm down,” Karen smiles. “There is no need for you to stay. I’m certainly not going to die in the next few weeks.”
Somehow - shockingly, I’m sure - that does not make me feel at all better. “I just don’t think I can leave today not knowing what’s going on. You’re going to need me, and I should be here!”
“Sweetie, I will be fine,” she promises, wiping her tears away. “I know that this is scary and that it will be hard for all of us, but it will be okay. I will be okay.”
I nod, letting her have this moment her way. There is no way that she can really promise that, but I can’t really argue with her now. “Anything you need, Karen. I’ll make it happen, no matter what it is.”
She wraps her arms around me, placing a motherly kiss to my forehead. “I’m just so happy you came to visit, Haley. You, my dear, are truly family, and I miss you so much more than you’ll ever know when you’re gone. Which is way too often, by the way.”
Hugging her tighter at her words, I hastily brush away the tears that I know she doesn’t need to see from me right now. “I always miss you, too, Karen.”
She presses another kiss to my forehead, sighing deeply. “I love you, Haley James. You are a good girl, honey. I really am glad that you came back here with Peyton. A week is certainly better than nothing.”
“Me, too,” I whisper in agreement.
She gives me a grateful smile when I motion for her to go on into the kitchen after Luke and Peyton now. I know that is who she needs to be with right now. As the door swings lazily shut behind her, I sink down into the nearest chair and bury my face in my arms. I manage to hold it all in for a few seconds before dissolving into full body, shaking sobs. I hear Deb’s chair squeak across the scarred wood floor as she pushes it backwards. A few seconds later, her arms are wrapped around me and she is crooning softly in my ear.
I lean into her, sobbing harder. “Haley, honey, it’s not - she has a good chance. A great chance, really. Things are nowhere near the dire point. I know that this is scary, that it sounds bad, but she has excellent doctors and she is getting great treatment. Right now, we can only anticipate the best, okay?”
“Yeah,” I agree, sucking in great gulps of air as I try to get control of myself. It’s hard and I’m fairly unsuccessful, but at least I get to the point where I can speak again. “I - it’s just so out of the blue, right? One day she was fine and now….now she’s not.”
“I guess that’s just how it works sometimes,” Deb sighs, still holding me in her motherly embrace. “But the point right now is that we need to think positively. There is no reason at all to believe things are going to turn out anything less than excellent.”
“What do I do?” I whisper, needing to know what is expected of me, what I can do to make things better and easier on everyone. The standard protocol for behavior in a situation like this is a little lost on me right now. I just don’t know what to do, and that is probably the worst possible thing for me to feel in a situation like this. Out of control and idea-less. Not good.
Deb pulls back, smiling faintly as she brushes a hand over my hair. “Just be there for her when she needs it. Be a friend and a daughter to her. Basically, don’t do anything differently from what you already do.”
I know that she is right, I really do, but I guess that I wanted to hear something more concrete. More proactive. “I’m going to be so far away - how am I supposed to be of any help to anyone? Oh, shit,” I mutter, brushing the tears off my face, “We have to be at the airport soon. I would stay, but I promised Chels - no, she’d understand. I should just stay anyway, I think. That’s probably for the best right now, and I know Chelsea would understand.”
There is a tap at the front door, but I don’t bother to look up as Deb goes to open it. I brush the back of my hand over my eyes again, trying not only to dry them but to rub off whatever makeup has run down my cheeks. It is fairly useless to even try to clean up when I cannot hold the tears in, I suppose.
“What’s going on?” No, not Nathan. I cannot handle this right now. “This place is locked down like Fort Knox, Mom. Did I forget about some…?” he trails off, and it is a safe bet that he’s spotted me, but I refuse to look up to confirm that. “Mom? Why is Haley crying? Did you do something to her?”
“Nathan, honey, now is not a good time,” Deb begins, at least recognizing that having Nathan here now isn’t going to be of any help to anyone. “I’ll give you a call tonight, okay?”
I almost snort at that, slightly grateful for the distraction. As if Nathan is going to listen to her and leave, doing as she says. Sure enough, he kneels down beside me. “Hales, you okay, baby? What happened?”
There is no way I can answer him verbally, and I just know that if I look at him now, I’ll lose it even more. I just squeeze my eyes tightly shut and shake my head, hoping he’ll take the cue to back off and leave me alone about this.
“Karen has breast cancer,” Deb quietly explains to Nathan as he wraps his arms around me. “Lucas and Haley just found out a few moments ago.”
“Aw, shit,” he curses softly, his arms tightening around me. He just rocks me in his arms as I begin crying again in earnest. “There’ve got to be things that can be done. Treatment options or something, right?”
As Deb begins to fill Nathan in on the meager few details I’ve already been made aware of, I pull out of his comforting embrace and move behind the counter. I wet a paper towel with cold water and hold it over my eyes. Luke and Karen could come back in at any moment, and I don’t want them to see me like this. I take a few deep breaths, willing myself to calm down.
Nathan moves over to me, and when he’s about to reach out and pull me to him, I shake my head as I take a step back. “I can’t. I need to compose myself and not cry anymore. I - I need to think and - Luke! Are you okay?”
Luke and Peyton walk in together through the kitchen door. Peyton’s normally pale face is red and blotchy from crying. She looks at me warily, tipping her head to the side letting me know she needs to talk to me alone. Luke looks surprised that Nathan is here, but doesn’t remark on it as he sits down at the counter, his shoulders slumped tiredly.
“Peyt’s going to talk to Haley for a few minutes,” Luke tells Deb, “And then we’re going to take Mom home for the day, Deb, if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course that’s fine,” Deb agrees with a warm smile. “I think that if I keep the doors locked all day, I can handle things just fine.”
Luke manages a chuckle at that. “Thanks, Deb. I think that this is a little overwhelming, and we have things to talk about now. I’d rather do it now than put it off.”
I glance over at Peyton, avoiding Nathan’s pretty blue eyes at all costs. The temptation to jump in his arms and never leave is running awfully high at that moment, and giving in to that temptation would only end in disaster. Peyton motions me towards the door, and I follow her outside. We sit down, side by side, on the bench out front.
“So, this is pretty crazy,” Peyton mutters quietly, staring sightlessly out onto the street. “I mean, it’s Karen, you know? I can’t even remember her ever having a cold.”
I nod, scuffing my shoe along the ground mindlessly. “How’s Luke? I know it probably hasn’t really sunk in yet, but is he okay so far?”
She shakes her head in response. “See, that’s what I need to talk to you about, Hales. Luke is going to stay here with her. Indefinitely.”
“And you are, too,” I finish for her with a firm nod. “Well, okay, that’s good. Karen will need people here with her while she goes through treatment, and I know that she’ll need Luke most of all. And he’s going to need you more than anyone, so this is good. It’s the right thing to do.”
“You know me too well,” she chuckles lightly. She becomes somber again almost instantly as she glances sideways at me. “I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I - I think I’ll be going back to LA in a few weeks and moving my stuff to storage. I’m going to have to back out of that job.”
Now that? Reeks of finality, of her leaving LA and never looking back. “You shouldn’t leave your things in storage then,” I say softly. “You’re going to be out here indefinitely, and you and Luke are going to find an apartment together and lord knows you have better things than he does. You’ll need them here.”
She lays her head on my shoulder. “I wish I was going back with you now, at least so I could go to Chels’ party. A part of me really does not want to be here, Hales. How awful is that?”
“You’ll be fine,” I try to assure her. “It is going to make both Luke and Karen so happy to have you here. That’s what is important, Peyt. I’m really glad that you will be here for them.”
“I’m sorry,” she sighs. “I was so excited that Luke was moving to California and I was going to set you up with one or two of the guys I know that both Luke and you would really like, and we were going to have so much fun making you take study breaks to hang out with all of us. You were going to be - well, you still will be - the prettiest med student at USC, and I was going to make a splash on the art scene right away. Now who knows if that will ever happen. It’ll be harder to break onto it now. And by harder, I mean impossible.”
She wants me to comfort her, to assure her that everything will be just fine. It’s hard, though. It is so bitterly hard to do that. I certainly don’t know that things will be okay, and on a more selfish level, it is really hard to be comforting and encouraging to her when I’m the one who is leaving. LA isn’t going to be the same sunny, easy place for me without Peyton there, and it will be torture knowing that my best friends are here with my surrogate mother as she goes through cancer treatments.
But instead of throwing the tantrum that I really, really want to throw, I smile at her. “Maybe the Tree Hill art scene isn’t exactly booming right now, but you’re close to like a zillion college campuses and cities that do have blossoming art scenes. You can be a part of those, and maybe, since they aren’t so established, maybe you can be a huge part of them. Maybe you’ll help put them on the map!”
“I’m so scared,” she whispers. “Things would be so much easier, I think, on Luke and me away from here. Karen being sick - and I’m so bad at these kinds of things, too! - it’s just going to put extra pressure on us, you know? I’m gonna screw this up. I know it already.”
“No! You are not going to mess anything up, do you hear me? You are on the verge of getting everything you want,” I rant at her, trying not to sound like the jealous shrew I know that I am. “Why are you trying to screw things up before they’ve even had the chance to start?”
She stares at me for a minute before dissolving into giggles. “You’re right, you are absolutely right. This is just not my area of expertise, I guess. I’m not so good at the emotional stuff, and that’s what life is about to become again. That’s really scary for me.”
“Are you joking?” I scoff teasingly. “You’re an old pro at the emotional stuff. Well, the lying around in a dark room moping part of the emotional stuff, at least. You rock at that.”
“Ha, ha,” she frowns, poking me on the arm hard enough to earn a yelp.
“I mean it. If nothing else,” I persist, fighting a smile, “You can at least get back to your dark roots. You can be creating all sorts of awesomely angsty artwork that will be insanely popular with the hipster crowd.”
“Again, ha, ha,” she deadpans, giving me a small smile. “I guess that I’ll have to figure something out, right? It shouldn’t be too hard?”
“It shouldn’t be, so that generally means that it totally will. What can you do, right?”
“Curl up under the covers with a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream?” she suggests oh-so-helpfully. “I just hope that it helps Luke and Karen to have me here. I mean, I’m not you, which I know is what they’d really want and need, but I’ll try.”
I can’t believe I didn’t realize that something like this would bother her. “Peyton, neither of them want or need you to be me. Trust me on that, okay?”
Peyton sighs, nodding her head. “So, Nathan’s here. What’s up with that?”
“Nice segue,” I chuckle, rolling my eyes at her audacity. “I don’t know what is up with that, honest. He showed up while Deb was comforting me. That’s it.” She lifts a skeptical eyebrow at that. “What? That is it! Fine, he also accused his mother of doing something to upset me, and then I sobbed on him for a minute or two. That really is it.”
“Oooh, you cried on him? That’s so romantic, Hales. What’s next, vomit?” she teases me, smirking in that smugly irritating way she pulls off better than anyone else. “Then what happened?”
I shake my head, fighting the urge to smile. “Then you guys came in. Seriously, nothing happened. He let me cry for a couple of minutes, he patted my back, and it was nothing. It really was not that big of a deal by any stretch of the imagination.”
“Puh-lease. If you weren’t still completely hung up on him, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, since you are still completely smitten with Nathan Scott, it is indeed a big deal.”
“Stop! Peyt,” I sigh, “I mean it, it was nothing. Besides, of all the important things at the moment, that’s…well, it isn’t important right now.”
“No, you stop,” she counters softly. “Look, Karen is sick, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we talk about, that we obsess over it until we go insane. That’s not going to work for anyone. So I get to keep teasing you and bugging you about Nathan. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in a little mindless speculation over your love life, and Karen would be the first to say that.”
“You mean lack thereof,” I correct her, my eyes closing against the sun as it appears from behind the clouds. “How can I just leave? How can I go back to LA when Karen is going through cancer treatments?”
Peyton sighs tiredly. “I don’t know, Hales. I don’t know how you do it, so I guess you just do it. You do your best at school and you’ll come back when you can and when you’re needed. It’ll work out, I know it will.”
I manage a small smile at the reversal of our usual roles. “And you thought that you’d never be able to put your cheer experience to good use.”
“Hey now,” she laughs, bumping shoulders with me, “I thought that we all agreed never to mention those dark days of spirit and matching outfits again!”
“Oh, sorry,” I join with her laughter, even though it only lasts a moment before the melancholy seeps back in with the fear and the worry. “Promise me that you’ll keep me fully updated on how you all are no matter what’s going on. I know that both Luke and Karen will try and soften the truth so as not to upset or worry me. I need to know that you won’t do that. Promise me, Peyt.”
“I promise, of course I promise,” she agrees immediately.
I stare at her until she breaks eye contact and looks away. “I mean it, Peyt. Even if I have a huge final or observation rounds or a lab - you tell me right away. Call, email, text, all of the above, just promise that you won’t wait or even hesitate to tell me the tiniest things.”
She sighs, but nods her agreement. “You know that I’ll tell you everything, Hales. I promise.” She glances over at me, smiling sadly. “I can’t believe that we aren’t going to be together. I haven’t gone more than four days without seeing you in probably five and a half years now. This is going to be so weird.”
Nodding, I let my feet fall to the ground as I give her a wry smile. “It’s - I don’t like it,” I admit, not even caring that I sound more than a little pitiful. “You’ll be gone, Chels will be gone, and the majority of my friends from school will be gone, too. What am I going to do?”
“You still have a ton of friends there,” she counters knowledgably. “Don’t go all doomsday on me, Haley James. That is a role much better suited to yours truly, thank you very much. It’ll be okay. I promise, you will be okay.”
“Yeah, I know,” I agree. “The worst part will be that I’m not here helping Karen, you and Luke. I know that you’re all going to need me, and it really sucks that I won’t be able to do much about it.”
“That does suck,” she concurs immediately, “But there really isn’t anything that you can do about that for now. You’ll be there, so you’ll just have to support us from afar. We’ll be okay, and so will you.”
“Yes, of course. You’re right. Every one of us is going to be fine,” I find myself nodding along with her. I need to believe that. The funny thing is, it’s easier to believe that everyone else, Karen included, will get through this better than me. Shaking off those maudlin thoughts, I smile at her. “We should get back inside. I’m going to need to leave for the airport soon. I should go in and say goodbye. Maybe Deb can take me so that you and Luke can get Karen back to the house and talk more.”
She rolls her eyes at that, giving me a pointed look. “Deb can’t take you because she can’t up and leave the café, but maybe Nathan is available to do the honors,” she teases me as she stands up. “Actually, that might not be a bad idea.”
“Oh, well, I suppose you are right. You could take me then, I’m sure Luke and Karen wouldn’t really mind. We can have a last little bit of best friend time, right?” I suggest hopefully, not really digging the idea of having Nathan be the one to drive me. “That would work, too.”
“We’ll figure something out,” she smiles as we walk through the door. I am a step ahead of her, so I let out a squeak of surprise when she throws her arms around my neck from behind. “I am going to miss you, James.”
She had to go there, didn’t she? “Are you trying to make me cry?” I sniff, scrunching my eyes closed. “Okay, Peyt, you can’t do that to me right now. I mean it, I can’t take it.”
Sighing deeply, she releases me from her chokehold. “I am, though. You know that. You’re my family, and I - I - “
“I know,” I whisper, glancing at the rest of them. “Okay, well, I should get going to the airport now. I’m a semi-broke medical student, and I can’t afford to buy another ticket if I miss my flight.”
Luke and Peyton exchange a glance, and I know in that instant that they’re already planning on pawning me off on someone else. Luke is the one who finally pipes up, “You wouldn’t mind taking a cab, would you? Peyt and I are going to take Mom home, and Deb will probably want to open the café back up.”
Forcing a smile, I nod tensely. “Yes, of course, a cab is fine. I think that will work best for everyone.”
Peyton cuts in as I glance over at a disgruntled Nathan who is staring at Luke with frustration etched all over his face. “That’s stupid, Luke. Maybe Nathan can take her. If he has some free time, there’s no reason to bother with a cab. Plus, I keep reading stories of cab drivers who kidnap unsuspecting pretty, young riders and take them to the woods and kill them. That would not be good, right?”
I don’t know if she thinks she’s doing me - or anyone else - a favor with this meddling, but she has definitely pissed Luke off. After a minute of glaring at Peyton, Luke turns his angry look on Nathan. “He doesn’t really need to do that,” Luke counters, “And anyway, Haley said she didn’t mind taking the cab.”
“It’s not a problem,” Nathan says to me, completely ignoring Luke which is probably for the best. “I don’t mind, Haley, but it’s up to you.”
“I’d appreciate that,” I impulsively agree. By some miracle, my voice remains flat and unemotional, belying the ridiculous giddy fluttering of heart that I am currently experiencing. I’m sure that’s just a result of the emotional overload of the day as opposed to the thought of a thirty minute ride with Nathan, right?
Nathan nods solemnly, but Deb shoots me a grateful look. For a second, it strikes me odd that she’d be so concerned about something like this, but given all that Nathan has been through, I suppose it isn’t really that odd. For once in his life, Luke keeps his big mouth shut and refrains from complaining about my choice of rides.
The silence is a little awkward and I feel a compulsive need to break it. “Thanks, Nathan,” I smile gratefully at him. “Well, we should get going soon. My flight leaves at 3:45.”
“Sure,” he nods, sparing a cautious glance at Luke. “Whenever you’re ready. I’m going to go wait in the truck. Just come on out when you’re ready.”
“Okay, just a few minutes,” I nod. He does as he said, turning and walking out the door. “Luke, will you get my things out of the car? Just set them on the sidewalk for me?”
“Of course,” he agrees, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze as he passes by me. Peyton shrugs at me as she follows Luke out the door. I can’t help thinking that is a good thing. No reason to give Nathan and Luke any opportunity to get started in on each other. No one needs that today, but I can see where it is a possibility consider how close Luke’s emotions must be to the surface right now.
I turn to Karen, unsure for possibly the first time ever about what I am supposed to say to her. She smiles at me, and although it is a little strained, I appreciate it. I give her a tight hug, trying not to cry again and failing miserably. When she hears me sniffle, she pulls away with an indulgent smile.
“I know that you’ll want to try and ‘protect’ me or whatever, but I wish that you wouldn’t,” I tell her. “But Peyton’s going to tell me everything. I - I - well, just know that if anything happens, I’ll be here. I mean it, Kar. If any of you ever needs me, I will be here as soon as humanly possible.”
“Hopefully things won’t come to that,” she smiles softly. “Thank you, though. I appreciate that very much, and I hope you know that it works both ways. I love you, honey.”
Hugging her again, I respond. “I love you, too. I’m available anytime, remember that.”
She smiles, even nodding. “I will. Now, you’d better get going. I think Luke and Peyton will want a few minutes to say their goodbyes, too.”
After one more hug, she hustles back into the kitchen. I glance over at Deb, asking, “Will you keep me up on things, too? If anything happens, will you let me know? I just….Peyton promised to call me with news at any time, but she might try and protect me, too.”
“Oh, Haley, of course,” Deb assures me with a smile. “I know how important it will be for you to be up to date on everything. In fact, I imagine that knowing will make it easier to keep up in your studies than if you had to wonder all the time.”
“Actually, I hadn’t thought of it like that, but it makes a lot of sense,” I have to agree. “Thanks either way, though. I really appreciate you being willing to keep me informed.”
“It’s not a problem, honey. In fact, I know that it is what is best for all of you,” she smiles. “Well, you should get going. I don’t want to keep you.”
For a moment I hesitate, but then I step forward and give her a quick hug. She hugs me back tightly. “Thank you for everything today. I really appreciate all of it.”
She pulls back, a warm smile on her face. “You don’t have to thank me for that. If anything, I should be thanking you. I don’t know what you said to Nathan, but it helped.”
I don’t even know what to say to that. I didn’t do anything for Nathan, so it is definitely odd to be getting credit for doing…something? “Deb, I didn’t do anything special,” I correct her. “I’m glad if he seems…better, of course, but it wasn’t anything that I did.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” she laughs. “I think that I did for a long time, and that was a great disservice to both you and Nathan. I won’t meddle in that, though; I know it is something that the two of you need to work through on your own. Actually, I know that it is something that you will work through.”
Oh, damn, what do I say to that? “Deb, you should know that I have no intention, no interest in pursuing things with him. That - that part of my life is well and truly over, and there is no going back.”
She pats me on the arm, giving me a thoroughly indulgent smile. She actually has the nerve to wink at me, as though she is in on some secret desire of mine that allows her to completely disregard all I just said. “I just wish nothing but the best for you,” she smiles, the implication that Nathan is the best heavy in her tone. “I know you’ll do very well, and I’ll keep you up to date on everything here. Try not to worry too much.”
“Well, thank you,” I nod, not really sure what else to say. “I’m sure I’ll see you fairly soon. Take care, Deb.”
“You, too. Hopefully we will see you soon.”
“You will,” I nod, hoping I don’t sound too bitter or melancholy over the knowledge that I would be back here far, far sooner than planned.
I step outside and am immediately pulled into a Peyton hug, all bony arms and surprisingly strong chokehold. “I don’t want you to go,” she announces tearily. “Stay here, Hales. Go to med school here.” She sighs, pulling away. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t really mean that. Well, no, I do mean it, but I really don’t want to put unfair pressure on you.”
Before I can even say anything to her, Luke steps in and pulls me to the side. “Don’t even listen to her, Hales. I’m more bummed than I could ever say about not being with you again, but that doesn’t mean you should change your life-long plans. Don’t feel bad about it, either. Don’t let Peyt and definitely don’t let Nathan make you feel bad.”
“Luke,” I sigh, rolling my eyes. “Please don’t start. Don’t start on him when he hasn’t even done anything. In fact, why don’t you give him a break? Both of you would really benefit if you could get past some of these issues and just make peace with each other.”
“Haley,” he grits out through clenched teeth. His frustration with me for bringing this up is apparent. “It’s not just how he hurt you. It isn’t. It’s how he - he chose Dan. He chose to believe the man who had lied to him and hurt him countless times over me. I - look, I got tired of it, Haley. I got tired of always falling back into that role of being hated by him when it was convenient.”
Sighing, I tip my head to the side as I look up at him. “Luke, I know - I do know how hard that’s been for you, and I know how hard it was when he didn’t believe you about - “
“Don’t, I don’t want to talk about that,” he interrupts, slightly coldly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to - I just don’t want to talk about that, Hales.”
“Just think about it,” I persist quietly, glancing up at the fading paint on the window frames. “A lot of things have changed in both your lives since then, and maybe you are both finally in a place where you can have a positive relationship.”
He shakes his head in exasperation, but still manages a chuckle. “You never quit, do you? Look, Hales, I don’t know, but I can’t make any promises. Still, we’ll…see. Okay? I’ll be open to, you know, things.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I give him a tight hug. “Do that,” I encourage one last time. It would be so good for both of them if they can work something out, but it will have to be something they do on their own. “You know everything’s going to be okay, Lukie. I mean it, she’ll be okay, and you and Peyt will be wonderful.”
“And so will you,” he smiles, kissing the top of my head. “Okay, get out of here. Call when you get back to your apartment there, and let us know you arrived safely.”
“Yes, sir,” I mockingly salute him, laughing when he rolls his eyes. I give him one last smile, as bright as I can muster, before making my way to Peyton. “Stop pouting.”
“I wasn’t pouting,” she retorts, sticking her tongue out at me. “Sorry for being a brat a minute ago. I know you can’t stay here, can’t uproot your whole life. Even though that’s what I’m doing.”
I raise an eyebrow at her, responding, “Med school, Peyt. You can’t just, I don’t know, change your mind and get in somewhere else. It doesn’t really work like that, I don’t think.”
She frowns at me, but reluctantly nods. “No, I know that, I do. That’s why I feel like a total shit for laying the guilt trip on you, but in my own selfish defense, I really can’t imagine not seeing you at least four days a week. It sounds like torture, and you know how I feel about torture.”
“That it’s only worth it over a great pair of shoes that need breaking in?” I tease, bumping into her with my shoulder. “Honest, Peyt, things are going to be different, and we won’t see each other all the time. You’ll still be my best friend, and that won’t change ever. If anything, I should be worried. After all, you’re back within the grasp of Brooke Davis’s long, sharp claws.”
She snorts back a laugh, shaking her head. “Please, like I’d let that cow within fifteen feet of me,” she shudders dramatically.
“I guess that’s one less thing I have to worry about then,” I smile wanly. “Okay, hug me now. I have to get going.”
She does as told, giving me a quick hug. “I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay? You won’t even have time to miss me,” she promises, tears filling her eyes. “Okay, hurry and go before I wrap my arms around your knees and refuse to let you go.”
I let out a small laugh and back away from her and Luke. I wiggle my fingers at them in a sad approximation of a wave as I turn around, walking to Nathan’s truck and climbing in. I don’t look out the window at them; I can’t, actually. I can feel Nathan looking at me, and I know he is waiting for me to wave my friends off but that isn’t what I need or want right now.
“Can you just drive for now? I can’t do the - the big goodbye scene thing right now,” I ask him in a voice that is practically dripping with pathetic desperation.
He doesn’t respond immediately, and when I glance over at him there is concern and disbelief written all over his face. “If that’s what you really want, then yeah, let’s just go.”
It’s definitely what I want, so I just give him a nod. “Thank you, Nathan. For taking me to the airport, for getting that I can’t do this right now.”
Glancing sideways at me as he eases the truck onto the street, he smiles a little. “You don’t have to thank me for any of that, Hales. I just want to be here for you and help you in anyway that I can, and believe me, this isn’t a big deal at all. I’m glad to help. I mean that.”
It is obvious that he means it, but I don’t really have the emotional or mental tools to process it at the moment, and I certainly don’t want to let myself think on what it means. Because every time Nathan says the ‘right’ thing, every other little thing in my life starts to feel a little more complicated. Further complications are not something that I need right now, all things considered. Not that anyone ever needs them, but I really don’t right now.
“I do,” I counter quietly, tiredly. “I do have to thank you because you’re doing me a favor, one that you are in no way obligated to, and that’s very kind.”
He wants to argue with me, I can still read him well enough to discern that, but he doesn’t. He just gives me a small smile before turning his attention to the road. “Things will be okay here, Haley,” he says firmly, so confidently that a small part of me can actually believe it. “Karen is going to be okay, you can believe that.”
“I want to,” is my whispered response as the truck takes us to the last stoplight before we’re officially out of Tree Hill. Funny how leaving isn’t the welcome relief it was supposed to be. Funny how Nathan, of all people, is the one taking me to the airport. Funny how life is so damn twisted that my insides feel knotted up like a pretzel right now.
“It’ll be hard, I guess,” he goes on, reaching along the bench seat to grab my hand, clasping it tightly in his. “You just believe that, and everything will be fine. I promise you that.”
“That’s not really a promise you can make, Nathan,” I sigh, glancing his way which isn’t easy for me to do. “That’s not a promise that anyone can make. There are just so many variables at play here, and there are a million things that could go wrong, and - “
“And a million things that could go right,” he interrupts, putting a stop to my rant before I can really build up a full head of steam. “I know all about the things that can go wrong; I know the things we bring upon ourselves and things that are out of our control. This is out of your control, Hales, but Karen is going to get the best treatment possible, and it’s going to be okay. I believe that. I really do, baby.
“Are you sure you want to go back right away? Maybe you’d feel better if you stayed another week or so, and could be here to see how things go,” he suggests, shooting me a hopeful look.
“I would actually do that,” I tell him, sighing wistfully, “But I have obligations to work. Plus, I really don’t want to miss Chels’s graduation.” At his blank look, I elaborate, “I tutored her the past four years. She came from this down and out neighborhood, was raised by her grandmother, and when I met her she had a chip on her shoulder the size of the moon.”
He grins at that. “And now?”
“Now she’ll be a Cardinal in the fall. She’s earned herself a nearly full-ride scholarship to Stanford, and she’s like family to me. Her whole family is like family to me,” I explain, smiling widely. “I really want to be there with them to cheer for her as she walks across the stage. I want to celebrate with them, and I hadn’t expected that to be such a selfish feeling.”
“Haley. That’s not selfish at all. Those are your friends, your family, and you have every right in the world to want to share this with them,” he assures me sweetly. “I’m sure you worked just as hard as she did, and you deserve to be there with them. Don’t ever let yourself think otherwise.”
I know he’s right, I really do. What he is saying is logical, but my brain is repelling logic right now. It wants no part of it. Still, I say, “You’re right.” He acknowledges my admission by squeezing my hand, which surprises me in ways that it shouldn’t. What happened to the discomfort, the awkwardness that came along with being near Nathan? That was supposed to be my reminder, a defense mechanism against him and his persistent charm. What other good is a lingering sense of awkwardness if it doesn’t have the dual purpose of acting as a sledgehammer of a reminder of why Nathan is a bad idea for me?
He’s getting to me, and I don’t know how to curb that. This madness needs to stop, plain and simple. I can’t go back to the place where this - where me and Nathan - is a comfortable thing. We’ve married, divorced, and been separated several years by a continental landmass and an ocean of hurt feelings. Nothing between us should be easy or comfortable. Just the same, what should be isn’t, and that scares the hell out of me.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I nod, my unfocused gaze not taking in any of the scenery that passes by in a blur. “I just really thought that this was it. That I’d never have to come back to Tree Hill again. My parents are gone, all of my siblings are settled elsewhere, and I’d see Karen when she came to visit Luke and Peyton. It was supposed to be done. I was done!”
Nathan sighs deeply, and I shift my gaze to him. “I know that I don’t really have the right to think or especially wish this, let alone say it, but I wish you’d consider me, too.”
I squeeze his hand gently before sliding my fingers free. “That is not fair, Nathan. It’s not fair of you to say that. You know where we stand,” I reprimand him softly.
“Yeah, I do,” he agrees with a slightly cheeky (and damn it, charming) smile. “I know that there is still something between us. I know that the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, the biggest mistake of my life was letting you go. I never should have pushed you out of my life, and I regret that I did every single day. Haley, I miss you on every damn level. Maybe you don’t want to hear this from me, but it’s all true.”
There are a million thoughts storming through my head. If I was smart, I wouldn’t respond to him at all. I’d keep my mouth shut and let it go, but something in me can’t seem to do that. “Why are you doing this?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “There is nothing good that could come of this, Nathan.”
He lifts an eyebrow in response. “Haley, I think about you so often. I think about how much I need you. I really do know that it isn’t fair to push you on this, but I have to ask. I have to tell you how I feel and let you know what I believe. I need you to know that I don’t believe this is over, and that I’m not giving you up this time. I won’t let you push me away.”
He has so much nerve, and I should know better than to pay attention to what he says. That seems to be easier said than done, at least according to the seventeen year old girl in me who desperately needs/wants her husband back. To think that after all this time, I thought she had finally given up.
“I can’t go there with you, Nathan. I’ve moved on, and there is no place in my life for you now. We had our chance, and it didn’t work out. I need you to accept that, please. Everything else is so hard right now, and I really don’t needs this on top of all of that. Please, Nathan.”
“I won’t make that promise, Haley. I can’t,” he says fervently, his voice full of gruff emotion. “I can’t give up on you, on us. I’m sorry if that’s not acceptable for you, but that’s just how it is for me.”
“Well, you did before,” I counter hotly, “And it didn’t exactly seem difficult for you then. So forgive me for not being too excited when things are down and out for you, and recapturing past glories seems like a good idea. I recognize when I’m just a temporary fix for someone, and since I’ve been already been that to you once, it is doubly easy to spot now.”
He unconsciously slows the truck as he glances over at me. I can tell that I have caught him off-guard with all this. “Recapturing past glories? Is that really what you think I’m doing?”
Huffing out a frustrated puff of air and absolutely exasperated by the hurt tone in his voice, I shrug. “Yeah, it is what you’re looking to do, Nathan. It is actually really obvious that that’s exactly what you’re trying to do.”
“Shit,” he curses softly when the car behind us honks in complaint of our speed. He gets the truck moving again, and after a very quiet, uncomfortable minute, he again reaches for my hand. “That is not how it is, Haley, and I am so damn sorry that I made you feel like it was.”
“You said that you thought about me when things were going badly for you,” I remind him, squeezing his hand tightly in mine. “That seems pretty clear, right? You just want me to make things better for you, but I can’t do that! It’s not my place, and I won’t be used again.”
“Maybe I worded it wrong, but that isn’t what I mean. Even at the highest points of my time away from you, I still thought of you all the time. If I had a good game, I wished you were there to celebrate with me. When I scored well on a test, you have to believe that you were always my first thought,” he explains fervently, his fingers lacing together with mine. “Maybe I should have let you go all those years ago, especially since I ordered you to do the same, but I can’t. I can’t let you go, and I don’t want to have anymore moments where I’m just stuck wishing you were with me. I want you with me for all of them.”
What do I say to that? What he’s saying shouldn’t matter to me, it shouldn’t hurt and tug at my heart the way it is doing, but most of all, I don’t want to see him hurting again. There is already so much hurt between the two of us, and I don’t want to add to that again.
“I can’t give you what you want,” I say softly. “Nathan, I’m not the same girl that I was five years ago, and to be honest, I don’t really want to be her again.”
“Give me a chance,” he asks quietly. “We’ve both changed, so who is to say that we wouldn’t fit even better now? I want the chance to get to know you again. I want you to know this better version of me, okay? Think about it, please. I just want you to think about it. Don’t say no, Hales. It’d break my heart.”
Low. Blow. “We live on opposite sides of the country. Even if I had this in me to give to you, I wouldn’t because of that. There is nothing left, Nathan. I have nothing left.”
He doesn’t respond to that, and we cruise along in silence until we arrive at the airport. He surprises me by turning into the parking area rather than heading for departure drop-offs. I shoot a questioning glance his way, but he ignores it and continues to stare stonily ahead. When he pulls into a parking spot, he finally glances over at me. “I’ll help you get your bags to check-in.”
“I think that I can manage them all,” I assure him, not wanting him to feel obligated to help me. Not to mention, I am hanging onto what I am rapidly suspecting to be a vain hope that distance is going to make this easier, that as soon as I am in the air, I’ll stop thinking these impossible thoughts.
“I didn’t park to let you drag your bags to the check-in counter yourself,” is his bemused response. “Come on, don’t look at me like I’m doing something wrong. I’m actually trying to be helpful for a change.”
“Okay, yeah,” I nod, giving him a slightly abashed smile. No one else can bring out the worst (and if I want to be honest, the best) in me like Nathan can. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything. I hope you know that I really appreciate all you have done for me today.”
He smiles easily at me as he unbuckles his seat belt. “Whether you like it or not, I’m here for you, whenever you need even the slightest, smallest, most inconsequential thing.”
There isn’t anything for me to say to that, so I follow his lead and unbuckle my seat belt and climb out of the truck. I grab one of my bags, letting him grab the other. We walk in side by side, neither saying anything, but I can’t stop myself from sneaking glances at him. I think that there is a part of me that can’t even believe he is here.
“Thanks,” I mutter quietly, needing to say it. I need to make sure that he knows I am grateful, even though this situation is bringing out the brat in me. “I haven’t really said that enough, but I want you to know that I am grateful.”
He glances down at me as we stand in line. “You don’t have to thank me, Haley. I’d do anything for you, just because I want to be near you. Thank me by accepting that.”
Why is this so hard? Saying ‘no, what you ask is impossible’ should not be this…well, impossible. He wants me to accept all this? Accepting it is admitting defeat, and admitting defeat is letting him back in. I can’t do that. Everything I’ve said is true, and even if it weren’t, what good is going ‘there’ with Nathan again? It crashed and burned so brightly, so hotly that I still have the scars on my heart, and I don’t want to go through that again.
“Will you please just let this go?” I ask him, my voice soft and scratchy at the same time. We hand the bags to the desk clerk who in turn places them on the conveyor belt, hopefully taking them to the right plane. We step back, walking slowly towards the security check point that he won’t be able to cross. “This is too hard, Nathan.”
“Come back,” he asks in earnest, leaning down into me, his shoulder brushing against mine as he stoops to my height. “I won’t ask you to stay now because I know that isn’t fair. But transfer schools and come back, Haley. Come back for Karen, for Luke and Peyton, and - and come back because there is still something between us. Because you know that it’s worth exploring, this thing that we have. This thing that we have always had.”
We’ve stopped walking, and he’s pulled me into a little alcove that at least gets us out of the way of other travelers if not affording a tiny measure of privacy. His hands find my face, fingertips brushing over my cheeks and ears and brow, even sweeping lower to trail down my neck. “You don’t have to make a decision right now, but you should think about it. Just think about it, Haley. I know that you want to be here for Karen’s sake, and I know that you’d do anything for Luke and Peyton, too. And I’m here, too. I’m here, and I want to be with you.”
He’s so hopeful and earnest that it practically undoes me, but with a lot of determination and whatever shredded bit of good sense I have left, I manage to turn away from him. “I have to go, Nathan. Just…take care of yourself. I really wish good things for you,” I tell him truthfully, hoping he believes it.
“You know, if you aren’t coming back, then I’m going to be out there,” he calls out casually after I’ve taken several steps towards the security check line. He’s said just the right thing to have me stopping abruptly and spinning around to face him.
“Goodbye, Nathan,” I repeat firmly, trying to keep the incredulity I am feeling off of my face. “I’m sure I’ll see you the next time I’m in Tree Hill.”
He grins at me, taking pleasure in riling me as he blatantly ignores my dismissal of him. “Sooner than that, Haley Scott.”
Without another backward glance, I stalk away from him.
Well, how did I get here?
Now, if you could be a dear and leave your thoughts, I'd really be good to go!
Chapter Ten - Our Cruel Mistress, Reality
‘When the world falls down around you, where do you turn?’
As Karen breaks down into tears, Luke and Peyton both freeze, albeit for what are likely very different reasons. All the reacting I do is to reach out and take Karen’s hand in mine. To my surprise, it is Deb who steps in and takes control of the situation. She settles Karen at a stool, instructing Luke and I to take seats on either side of her. I comply with my former mother-in-law, still tightly gripping Karen’s hand as Deb hurries the few mid-morning coffee drinkers out the door before closing and locking it.
“What is going on?” Luke asks again, his voice hushed and his face pale as he stares at Karen. “I just don’t get it.”
“Just give her a minute,” Peyton interrupts softly. “Why don’t we move this to a table?” Deb blinks at her in surprise, almost as if she hadn’t expected anyone else to speak, but she recovers quickly and nods. “Okay, let’s move to the table then. It’ll be easier to - well, talk, I guess.”
Mindlessly, I once again do as instructed, never letting go of Karen’s hand as we shuffle over to the table. I’m filled with this icy, tight feeling of dread that is just about the worst feeling in the whole world. Everything about this is awful, and I have a sinking feeling that it will get a whole lot worse before it starts getting better again.
Deb sits down with us after collecting a tray of steaming mugs of coffee and hot chocolate that we all thoughtlessly reach for, mostly for something to do with our hands. Deb looks over at Karen, giving her a kind and supportive smile. “Tell them what you can, Karen. This is the best way to do this, in person and face to face. You all deserve that.”
Karen looks up, glancing around the table at each of us. She nods wearily as her gaze settles on Luke. “Oh, Lucas. I don’t know how to say this, honey. I’ve thought about it nearly incessantly, but it never seemed right, and now that it’s out there, I just keep coming back to the idea of just saying it. Lucas, I’m sick.”
“I - God, Mom, how long have you known? H-how dire is this?” Luke begins faintly, his voice promptly trailing off. When she doesn’t respond right away, he leans forward and grabs the hand that isn’t clenched tightly in one of mine. “Mom, how bad is it?”
“I have stage three breast cancer, Luke. The doctors found it a week ago, and we’re currently discussing treatment options.” No. Oh, God, no. “We’re figuring that out.”
“Oh, my gosh,” Peyton whispers, rapidly blinking back tears as she watches Luke. He is just staring blankly at Karen; I can’t tell if he is even processing this information or if his brain is managing to repel this awful knowledge the way mine wishes it could do. “What are the options?” Peyton asks quietly.
Luke stands up, shaking his head. “No, no options yet. I need some time to digest this before we talk about the options. I - I need some time to think about this and - and….”
Peyton and Karen stand up, too, and Peyton follows him as he heads into the kitchen. Karen looks over at me as more tears fall from her eyes. “I should go talk to him,” she says almost pleadingly, squeezing my hand tightly.
Swallowing around the huge lump in my throat, I nod. “Yes, go,” I immediately agree. “We’ll talk later. I - oh, no! I’m leaving soon. Maybe - I’m going to change my flight. Oh, but Chels’s graduation ceremony. No, she won’t mind, it’ll be okay.”
“Honey, calm down,” Karen smiles. “There is no need for you to stay. I’m certainly not going to die in the next few weeks.”
Somehow - shockingly, I’m sure - that does not make me feel at all better. “I just don’t think I can leave today not knowing what’s going on. You’re going to need me, and I should be here!”
“Sweetie, I will be fine,” she promises, wiping her tears away. “I know that this is scary and that it will be hard for all of us, but it will be okay. I will be okay.”
I nod, letting her have this moment her way. There is no way that she can really promise that, but I can’t really argue with her now. “Anything you need, Karen. I’ll make it happen, no matter what it is.”
She wraps her arms around me, placing a motherly kiss to my forehead. “I’m just so happy you came to visit, Haley. You, my dear, are truly family, and I miss you so much more than you’ll ever know when you’re gone. Which is way too often, by the way.”
Hugging her tighter at her words, I hastily brush away the tears that I know she doesn’t need to see from me right now. “I always miss you, too, Karen.”
She presses another kiss to my forehead, sighing deeply. “I love you, Haley James. You are a good girl, honey. I really am glad that you came back here with Peyton. A week is certainly better than nothing.”
“Me, too,” I whisper in agreement.
She gives me a grateful smile when I motion for her to go on into the kitchen after Luke and Peyton now. I know that is who she needs to be with right now. As the door swings lazily shut behind her, I sink down into the nearest chair and bury my face in my arms. I manage to hold it all in for a few seconds before dissolving into full body, shaking sobs. I hear Deb’s chair squeak across the scarred wood floor as she pushes it backwards. A few seconds later, her arms are wrapped around me and she is crooning softly in my ear.
I lean into her, sobbing harder. “Haley, honey, it’s not - she has a good chance. A great chance, really. Things are nowhere near the dire point. I know that this is scary, that it sounds bad, but she has excellent doctors and she is getting great treatment. Right now, we can only anticipate the best, okay?”
“Yeah,” I agree, sucking in great gulps of air as I try to get control of myself. It’s hard and I’m fairly unsuccessful, but at least I get to the point where I can speak again. “I - it’s just so out of the blue, right? One day she was fine and now….now she’s not.”
“I guess that’s just how it works sometimes,” Deb sighs, still holding me in her motherly embrace. “But the point right now is that we need to think positively. There is no reason at all to believe things are going to turn out anything less than excellent.”
“What do I do?” I whisper, needing to know what is expected of me, what I can do to make things better and easier on everyone. The standard protocol for behavior in a situation like this is a little lost on me right now. I just don’t know what to do, and that is probably the worst possible thing for me to feel in a situation like this. Out of control and idea-less. Not good.
Deb pulls back, smiling faintly as she brushes a hand over my hair. “Just be there for her when she needs it. Be a friend and a daughter to her. Basically, don’t do anything differently from what you already do.”
I know that she is right, I really do, but I guess that I wanted to hear something more concrete. More proactive. “I’m going to be so far away - how am I supposed to be of any help to anyone? Oh, shit,” I mutter, brushing the tears off my face, “We have to be at the airport soon. I would stay, but I promised Chels - no, she’d understand. I should just stay anyway, I think. That’s probably for the best right now, and I know Chelsea would understand.”
There is a tap at the front door, but I don’t bother to look up as Deb goes to open it. I brush the back of my hand over my eyes again, trying not only to dry them but to rub off whatever makeup has run down my cheeks. It is fairly useless to even try to clean up when I cannot hold the tears in, I suppose.
“What’s going on?” No, not Nathan. I cannot handle this right now. “This place is locked down like Fort Knox, Mom. Did I forget about some…?” he trails off, and it is a safe bet that he’s spotted me, but I refuse to look up to confirm that. “Mom? Why is Haley crying? Did you do something to her?”
“Nathan, honey, now is not a good time,” Deb begins, at least recognizing that having Nathan here now isn’t going to be of any help to anyone. “I’ll give you a call tonight, okay?”
I almost snort at that, slightly grateful for the distraction. As if Nathan is going to listen to her and leave, doing as she says. Sure enough, he kneels down beside me. “Hales, you okay, baby? What happened?”
There is no way I can answer him verbally, and I just know that if I look at him now, I’ll lose it even more. I just squeeze my eyes tightly shut and shake my head, hoping he’ll take the cue to back off and leave me alone about this.
“Karen has breast cancer,” Deb quietly explains to Nathan as he wraps his arms around me. “Lucas and Haley just found out a few moments ago.”
“Aw, shit,” he curses softly, his arms tightening around me. He just rocks me in his arms as I begin crying again in earnest. “There’ve got to be things that can be done. Treatment options or something, right?”
As Deb begins to fill Nathan in on the meager few details I’ve already been made aware of, I pull out of his comforting embrace and move behind the counter. I wet a paper towel with cold water and hold it over my eyes. Luke and Karen could come back in at any moment, and I don’t want them to see me like this. I take a few deep breaths, willing myself to calm down.
Nathan moves over to me, and when he’s about to reach out and pull me to him, I shake my head as I take a step back. “I can’t. I need to compose myself and not cry anymore. I - I need to think and - Luke! Are you okay?”
Luke and Peyton walk in together through the kitchen door. Peyton’s normally pale face is red and blotchy from crying. She looks at me warily, tipping her head to the side letting me know she needs to talk to me alone. Luke looks surprised that Nathan is here, but doesn’t remark on it as he sits down at the counter, his shoulders slumped tiredly.
“Peyt’s going to talk to Haley for a few minutes,” Luke tells Deb, “And then we’re going to take Mom home for the day, Deb, if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course that’s fine,” Deb agrees with a warm smile. “I think that if I keep the doors locked all day, I can handle things just fine.”
Luke manages a chuckle at that. “Thanks, Deb. I think that this is a little overwhelming, and we have things to talk about now. I’d rather do it now than put it off.”
I glance over at Peyton, avoiding Nathan’s pretty blue eyes at all costs. The temptation to jump in his arms and never leave is running awfully high at that moment, and giving in to that temptation would only end in disaster. Peyton motions me towards the door, and I follow her outside. We sit down, side by side, on the bench out front.
“So, this is pretty crazy,” Peyton mutters quietly, staring sightlessly out onto the street. “I mean, it’s Karen, you know? I can’t even remember her ever having a cold.”
I nod, scuffing my shoe along the ground mindlessly. “How’s Luke? I know it probably hasn’t really sunk in yet, but is he okay so far?”
She shakes her head in response. “See, that’s what I need to talk to you about, Hales. Luke is going to stay here with her. Indefinitely.”
“And you are, too,” I finish for her with a firm nod. “Well, okay, that’s good. Karen will need people here with her while she goes through treatment, and I know that she’ll need Luke most of all. And he’s going to need you more than anyone, so this is good. It’s the right thing to do.”
“You know me too well,” she chuckles lightly. She becomes somber again almost instantly as she glances sideways at me. “I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I - I think I’ll be going back to LA in a few weeks and moving my stuff to storage. I’m going to have to back out of that job.”
Now that? Reeks of finality, of her leaving LA and never looking back. “You shouldn’t leave your things in storage then,” I say softly. “You’re going to be out here indefinitely, and you and Luke are going to find an apartment together and lord knows you have better things than he does. You’ll need them here.”
She lays her head on my shoulder. “I wish I was going back with you now, at least so I could go to Chels’ party. A part of me really does not want to be here, Hales. How awful is that?”
“You’ll be fine,” I try to assure her. “It is going to make both Luke and Karen so happy to have you here. That’s what is important, Peyt. I’m really glad that you will be here for them.”
“I’m sorry,” she sighs. “I was so excited that Luke was moving to California and I was going to set you up with one or two of the guys I know that both Luke and you would really like, and we were going to have so much fun making you take study breaks to hang out with all of us. You were going to be - well, you still will be - the prettiest med student at USC, and I was going to make a splash on the art scene right away. Now who knows if that will ever happen. It’ll be harder to break onto it now. And by harder, I mean impossible.”
She wants me to comfort her, to assure her that everything will be just fine. It’s hard, though. It is so bitterly hard to do that. I certainly don’t know that things will be okay, and on a more selfish level, it is really hard to be comforting and encouraging to her when I’m the one who is leaving. LA isn’t going to be the same sunny, easy place for me without Peyton there, and it will be torture knowing that my best friends are here with my surrogate mother as she goes through cancer treatments.
But instead of throwing the tantrum that I really, really want to throw, I smile at her. “Maybe the Tree Hill art scene isn’t exactly booming right now, but you’re close to like a zillion college campuses and cities that do have blossoming art scenes. You can be a part of those, and maybe, since they aren’t so established, maybe you can be a huge part of them. Maybe you’ll help put them on the map!”
“I’m so scared,” she whispers. “Things would be so much easier, I think, on Luke and me away from here. Karen being sick - and I’m so bad at these kinds of things, too! - it’s just going to put extra pressure on us, you know? I’m gonna screw this up. I know it already.”
“No! You are not going to mess anything up, do you hear me? You are on the verge of getting everything you want,” I rant at her, trying not to sound like the jealous shrew I know that I am. “Why are you trying to screw things up before they’ve even had the chance to start?”
She stares at me for a minute before dissolving into giggles. “You’re right, you are absolutely right. This is just not my area of expertise, I guess. I’m not so good at the emotional stuff, and that’s what life is about to become again. That’s really scary for me.”
“Are you joking?” I scoff teasingly. “You’re an old pro at the emotional stuff. Well, the lying around in a dark room moping part of the emotional stuff, at least. You rock at that.”
“Ha, ha,” she frowns, poking me on the arm hard enough to earn a yelp.
“I mean it. If nothing else,” I persist, fighting a smile, “You can at least get back to your dark roots. You can be creating all sorts of awesomely angsty artwork that will be insanely popular with the hipster crowd.”
“Again, ha, ha,” she deadpans, giving me a small smile. “I guess that I’ll have to figure something out, right? It shouldn’t be too hard?”
“It shouldn’t be, so that generally means that it totally will. What can you do, right?”
“Curl up under the covers with a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream?” she suggests oh-so-helpfully. “I just hope that it helps Luke and Karen to have me here. I mean, I’m not you, which I know is what they’d really want and need, but I’ll try.”
I can’t believe I didn’t realize that something like this would bother her. “Peyton, neither of them want or need you to be me. Trust me on that, okay?”
Peyton sighs, nodding her head. “So, Nathan’s here. What’s up with that?”
“Nice segue,” I chuckle, rolling my eyes at her audacity. “I don’t know what is up with that, honest. He showed up while Deb was comforting me. That’s it.” She lifts a skeptical eyebrow at that. “What? That is it! Fine, he also accused his mother of doing something to upset me, and then I sobbed on him for a minute or two. That really is it.”
“Oooh, you cried on him? That’s so romantic, Hales. What’s next, vomit?” she teases me, smirking in that smugly irritating way she pulls off better than anyone else. “Then what happened?”
I shake my head, fighting the urge to smile. “Then you guys came in. Seriously, nothing happened. He let me cry for a couple of minutes, he patted my back, and it was nothing. It really was not that big of a deal by any stretch of the imagination.”
“Puh-lease. If you weren’t still completely hung up on him, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, since you are still completely smitten with Nathan Scott, it is indeed a big deal.”
“Stop! Peyt,” I sigh, “I mean it, it was nothing. Besides, of all the important things at the moment, that’s…well, it isn’t important right now.”
“No, you stop,” she counters softly. “Look, Karen is sick, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we talk about, that we obsess over it until we go insane. That’s not going to work for anyone. So I get to keep teasing you and bugging you about Nathan. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in a little mindless speculation over your love life, and Karen would be the first to say that.”
“You mean lack thereof,” I correct her, my eyes closing against the sun as it appears from behind the clouds. “How can I just leave? How can I go back to LA when Karen is going through cancer treatments?”
Peyton sighs tiredly. “I don’t know, Hales. I don’t know how you do it, so I guess you just do it. You do your best at school and you’ll come back when you can and when you’re needed. It’ll work out, I know it will.”
I manage a small smile at the reversal of our usual roles. “And you thought that you’d never be able to put your cheer experience to good use.”
“Hey now,” she laughs, bumping shoulders with me, “I thought that we all agreed never to mention those dark days of spirit and matching outfits again!”
“Oh, sorry,” I join with her laughter, even though it only lasts a moment before the melancholy seeps back in with the fear and the worry. “Promise me that you’ll keep me fully updated on how you all are no matter what’s going on. I know that both Luke and Karen will try and soften the truth so as not to upset or worry me. I need to know that you won’t do that. Promise me, Peyt.”
“I promise, of course I promise,” she agrees immediately.
I stare at her until she breaks eye contact and looks away. “I mean it, Peyt. Even if I have a huge final or observation rounds or a lab - you tell me right away. Call, email, text, all of the above, just promise that you won’t wait or even hesitate to tell me the tiniest things.”
She sighs, but nods her agreement. “You know that I’ll tell you everything, Hales. I promise.” She glances over at me, smiling sadly. “I can’t believe that we aren’t going to be together. I haven’t gone more than four days without seeing you in probably five and a half years now. This is going to be so weird.”
Nodding, I let my feet fall to the ground as I give her a wry smile. “It’s - I don’t like it,” I admit, not even caring that I sound more than a little pitiful. “You’ll be gone, Chels will be gone, and the majority of my friends from school will be gone, too. What am I going to do?”
“You still have a ton of friends there,” she counters knowledgably. “Don’t go all doomsday on me, Haley James. That is a role much better suited to yours truly, thank you very much. It’ll be okay. I promise, you will be okay.”
“Yeah, I know,” I agree. “The worst part will be that I’m not here helping Karen, you and Luke. I know that you’re all going to need me, and it really sucks that I won’t be able to do much about it.”
“That does suck,” she concurs immediately, “But there really isn’t anything that you can do about that for now. You’ll be there, so you’ll just have to support us from afar. We’ll be okay, and so will you.”
“Yes, of course. You’re right. Every one of us is going to be fine,” I find myself nodding along with her. I need to believe that. The funny thing is, it’s easier to believe that everyone else, Karen included, will get through this better than me. Shaking off those maudlin thoughts, I smile at her. “We should get back inside. I’m going to need to leave for the airport soon. I should go in and say goodbye. Maybe Deb can take me so that you and Luke can get Karen back to the house and talk more.”
She rolls her eyes at that, giving me a pointed look. “Deb can’t take you because she can’t up and leave the café, but maybe Nathan is available to do the honors,” she teases me as she stands up. “Actually, that might not be a bad idea.”
“Oh, well, I suppose you are right. You could take me then, I’m sure Luke and Karen wouldn’t really mind. We can have a last little bit of best friend time, right?” I suggest hopefully, not really digging the idea of having Nathan be the one to drive me. “That would work, too.”
“We’ll figure something out,” she smiles as we walk through the door. I am a step ahead of her, so I let out a squeak of surprise when she throws her arms around my neck from behind. “I am going to miss you, James.”
She had to go there, didn’t she? “Are you trying to make me cry?” I sniff, scrunching my eyes closed. “Okay, Peyt, you can’t do that to me right now. I mean it, I can’t take it.”
Sighing deeply, she releases me from her chokehold. “I am, though. You know that. You’re my family, and I - I - “
“I know,” I whisper, glancing at the rest of them. “Okay, well, I should get going to the airport now. I’m a semi-broke medical student, and I can’t afford to buy another ticket if I miss my flight.”
Luke and Peyton exchange a glance, and I know in that instant that they’re already planning on pawning me off on someone else. Luke is the one who finally pipes up, “You wouldn’t mind taking a cab, would you? Peyt and I are going to take Mom home, and Deb will probably want to open the café back up.”
Forcing a smile, I nod tensely. “Yes, of course, a cab is fine. I think that will work best for everyone.”
Peyton cuts in as I glance over at a disgruntled Nathan who is staring at Luke with frustration etched all over his face. “That’s stupid, Luke. Maybe Nathan can take her. If he has some free time, there’s no reason to bother with a cab. Plus, I keep reading stories of cab drivers who kidnap unsuspecting pretty, young riders and take them to the woods and kill them. That would not be good, right?”
I don’t know if she thinks she’s doing me - or anyone else - a favor with this meddling, but she has definitely pissed Luke off. After a minute of glaring at Peyton, Luke turns his angry look on Nathan. “He doesn’t really need to do that,” Luke counters, “And anyway, Haley said she didn’t mind taking the cab.”
“It’s not a problem,” Nathan says to me, completely ignoring Luke which is probably for the best. “I don’t mind, Haley, but it’s up to you.”
“I’d appreciate that,” I impulsively agree. By some miracle, my voice remains flat and unemotional, belying the ridiculous giddy fluttering of heart that I am currently experiencing. I’m sure that’s just a result of the emotional overload of the day as opposed to the thought of a thirty minute ride with Nathan, right?
Nathan nods solemnly, but Deb shoots me a grateful look. For a second, it strikes me odd that she’d be so concerned about something like this, but given all that Nathan has been through, I suppose it isn’t really that odd. For once in his life, Luke keeps his big mouth shut and refrains from complaining about my choice of rides.
The silence is a little awkward and I feel a compulsive need to break it. “Thanks, Nathan,” I smile gratefully at him. “Well, we should get going soon. My flight leaves at 3:45.”
“Sure,” he nods, sparing a cautious glance at Luke. “Whenever you’re ready. I’m going to go wait in the truck. Just come on out when you’re ready.”
“Okay, just a few minutes,” I nod. He does as he said, turning and walking out the door. “Luke, will you get my things out of the car? Just set them on the sidewalk for me?”
“Of course,” he agrees, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze as he passes by me. Peyton shrugs at me as she follows Luke out the door. I can’t help thinking that is a good thing. No reason to give Nathan and Luke any opportunity to get started in on each other. No one needs that today, but I can see where it is a possibility consider how close Luke’s emotions must be to the surface right now.
I turn to Karen, unsure for possibly the first time ever about what I am supposed to say to her. She smiles at me, and although it is a little strained, I appreciate it. I give her a tight hug, trying not to cry again and failing miserably. When she hears me sniffle, she pulls away with an indulgent smile.
“I know that you’ll want to try and ‘protect’ me or whatever, but I wish that you wouldn’t,” I tell her. “But Peyton’s going to tell me everything. I - I - well, just know that if anything happens, I’ll be here. I mean it, Kar. If any of you ever needs me, I will be here as soon as humanly possible.”
“Hopefully things won’t come to that,” she smiles softly. “Thank you, though. I appreciate that very much, and I hope you know that it works both ways. I love you, honey.”
Hugging her again, I respond. “I love you, too. I’m available anytime, remember that.”
She smiles, even nodding. “I will. Now, you’d better get going. I think Luke and Peyton will want a few minutes to say their goodbyes, too.”
After one more hug, she hustles back into the kitchen. I glance over at Deb, asking, “Will you keep me up on things, too? If anything happens, will you let me know? I just….Peyton promised to call me with news at any time, but she might try and protect me, too.”
“Oh, Haley, of course,” Deb assures me with a smile. “I know how important it will be for you to be up to date on everything. In fact, I imagine that knowing will make it easier to keep up in your studies than if you had to wonder all the time.”
“Actually, I hadn’t thought of it like that, but it makes a lot of sense,” I have to agree. “Thanks either way, though. I really appreciate you being willing to keep me informed.”
“It’s not a problem, honey. In fact, I know that it is what is best for all of you,” she smiles. “Well, you should get going. I don’t want to keep you.”
For a moment I hesitate, but then I step forward and give her a quick hug. She hugs me back tightly. “Thank you for everything today. I really appreciate all of it.”
She pulls back, a warm smile on her face. “You don’t have to thank me for that. If anything, I should be thanking you. I don’t know what you said to Nathan, but it helped.”
I don’t even know what to say to that. I didn’t do anything for Nathan, so it is definitely odd to be getting credit for doing…something? “Deb, I didn’t do anything special,” I correct her. “I’m glad if he seems…better, of course, but it wasn’t anything that I did.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” she laughs. “I think that I did for a long time, and that was a great disservice to both you and Nathan. I won’t meddle in that, though; I know it is something that the two of you need to work through on your own. Actually, I know that it is something that you will work through.”
Oh, damn, what do I say to that? “Deb, you should know that I have no intention, no interest in pursuing things with him. That - that part of my life is well and truly over, and there is no going back.”
She pats me on the arm, giving me a thoroughly indulgent smile. She actually has the nerve to wink at me, as though she is in on some secret desire of mine that allows her to completely disregard all I just said. “I just wish nothing but the best for you,” she smiles, the implication that Nathan is the best heavy in her tone. “I know you’ll do very well, and I’ll keep you up to date on everything here. Try not to worry too much.”
“Well, thank you,” I nod, not really sure what else to say. “I’m sure I’ll see you fairly soon. Take care, Deb.”
“You, too. Hopefully we will see you soon.”
“You will,” I nod, hoping I don’t sound too bitter or melancholy over the knowledge that I would be back here far, far sooner than planned.
I step outside and am immediately pulled into a Peyton hug, all bony arms and surprisingly strong chokehold. “I don’t want you to go,” she announces tearily. “Stay here, Hales. Go to med school here.” She sighs, pulling away. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t really mean that. Well, no, I do mean it, but I really don’t want to put unfair pressure on you.”
Before I can even say anything to her, Luke steps in and pulls me to the side. “Don’t even listen to her, Hales. I’m more bummed than I could ever say about not being with you again, but that doesn’t mean you should change your life-long plans. Don’t feel bad about it, either. Don’t let Peyt and definitely don’t let Nathan make you feel bad.”
“Luke,” I sigh, rolling my eyes. “Please don’t start. Don’t start on him when he hasn’t even done anything. In fact, why don’t you give him a break? Both of you would really benefit if you could get past some of these issues and just make peace with each other.”
“Haley,” he grits out through clenched teeth. His frustration with me for bringing this up is apparent. “It’s not just how he hurt you. It isn’t. It’s how he - he chose Dan. He chose to believe the man who had lied to him and hurt him countless times over me. I - look, I got tired of it, Haley. I got tired of always falling back into that role of being hated by him when it was convenient.”
Sighing, I tip my head to the side as I look up at him. “Luke, I know - I do know how hard that’s been for you, and I know how hard it was when he didn’t believe you about - “
“Don’t, I don’t want to talk about that,” he interrupts, slightly coldly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to - I just don’t want to talk about that, Hales.”
“Just think about it,” I persist quietly, glancing up at the fading paint on the window frames. “A lot of things have changed in both your lives since then, and maybe you are both finally in a place where you can have a positive relationship.”
He shakes his head in exasperation, but still manages a chuckle. “You never quit, do you? Look, Hales, I don’t know, but I can’t make any promises. Still, we’ll…see. Okay? I’ll be open to, you know, things.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I give him a tight hug. “Do that,” I encourage one last time. It would be so good for both of them if they can work something out, but it will have to be something they do on their own. “You know everything’s going to be okay, Lukie. I mean it, she’ll be okay, and you and Peyt will be wonderful.”
“And so will you,” he smiles, kissing the top of my head. “Okay, get out of here. Call when you get back to your apartment there, and let us know you arrived safely.”
“Yes, sir,” I mockingly salute him, laughing when he rolls his eyes. I give him one last smile, as bright as I can muster, before making my way to Peyton. “Stop pouting.”
“I wasn’t pouting,” she retorts, sticking her tongue out at me. “Sorry for being a brat a minute ago. I know you can’t stay here, can’t uproot your whole life. Even though that’s what I’m doing.”
I raise an eyebrow at her, responding, “Med school, Peyt. You can’t just, I don’t know, change your mind and get in somewhere else. It doesn’t really work like that, I don’t think.”
She frowns at me, but reluctantly nods. “No, I know that, I do. That’s why I feel like a total shit for laying the guilt trip on you, but in my own selfish defense, I really can’t imagine not seeing you at least four days a week. It sounds like torture, and you know how I feel about torture.”
“That it’s only worth it over a great pair of shoes that need breaking in?” I tease, bumping into her with my shoulder. “Honest, Peyt, things are going to be different, and we won’t see each other all the time. You’ll still be my best friend, and that won’t change ever. If anything, I should be worried. After all, you’re back within the grasp of Brooke Davis’s long, sharp claws.”
She snorts back a laugh, shaking her head. “Please, like I’d let that cow within fifteen feet of me,” she shudders dramatically.
“I guess that’s one less thing I have to worry about then,” I smile wanly. “Okay, hug me now. I have to get going.”
She does as told, giving me a quick hug. “I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay? You won’t even have time to miss me,” she promises, tears filling her eyes. “Okay, hurry and go before I wrap my arms around your knees and refuse to let you go.”
I let out a small laugh and back away from her and Luke. I wiggle my fingers at them in a sad approximation of a wave as I turn around, walking to Nathan’s truck and climbing in. I don’t look out the window at them; I can’t, actually. I can feel Nathan looking at me, and I know he is waiting for me to wave my friends off but that isn’t what I need or want right now.
“Can you just drive for now? I can’t do the - the big goodbye scene thing right now,” I ask him in a voice that is practically dripping with pathetic desperation.
He doesn’t respond immediately, and when I glance over at him there is concern and disbelief written all over his face. “If that’s what you really want, then yeah, let’s just go.”
It’s definitely what I want, so I just give him a nod. “Thank you, Nathan. For taking me to the airport, for getting that I can’t do this right now.”
Glancing sideways at me as he eases the truck onto the street, he smiles a little. “You don’t have to thank me for any of that, Hales. I just want to be here for you and help you in anyway that I can, and believe me, this isn’t a big deal at all. I’m glad to help. I mean that.”
It is obvious that he means it, but I don’t really have the emotional or mental tools to process it at the moment, and I certainly don’t want to let myself think on what it means. Because every time Nathan says the ‘right’ thing, every other little thing in my life starts to feel a little more complicated. Further complications are not something that I need right now, all things considered. Not that anyone ever needs them, but I really don’t right now.
“I do,” I counter quietly, tiredly. “I do have to thank you because you’re doing me a favor, one that you are in no way obligated to, and that’s very kind.”
He wants to argue with me, I can still read him well enough to discern that, but he doesn’t. He just gives me a small smile before turning his attention to the road. “Things will be okay here, Haley,” he says firmly, so confidently that a small part of me can actually believe it. “Karen is going to be okay, you can believe that.”
“I want to,” is my whispered response as the truck takes us to the last stoplight before we’re officially out of Tree Hill. Funny how leaving isn’t the welcome relief it was supposed to be. Funny how Nathan, of all people, is the one taking me to the airport. Funny how life is so damn twisted that my insides feel knotted up like a pretzel right now.
“It’ll be hard, I guess,” he goes on, reaching along the bench seat to grab my hand, clasping it tightly in his. “You just believe that, and everything will be fine. I promise you that.”
“That’s not really a promise you can make, Nathan,” I sigh, glancing his way which isn’t easy for me to do. “That’s not a promise that anyone can make. There are just so many variables at play here, and there are a million things that could go wrong, and - “
“And a million things that could go right,” he interrupts, putting a stop to my rant before I can really build up a full head of steam. “I know all about the things that can go wrong; I know the things we bring upon ourselves and things that are out of our control. This is out of your control, Hales, but Karen is going to get the best treatment possible, and it’s going to be okay. I believe that. I really do, baby.
“Are you sure you want to go back right away? Maybe you’d feel better if you stayed another week or so, and could be here to see how things go,” he suggests, shooting me a hopeful look.
“I would actually do that,” I tell him, sighing wistfully, “But I have obligations to work. Plus, I really don’t want to miss Chels’s graduation.” At his blank look, I elaborate, “I tutored her the past four years. She came from this down and out neighborhood, was raised by her grandmother, and when I met her she had a chip on her shoulder the size of the moon.”
He grins at that. “And now?”
“Now she’ll be a Cardinal in the fall. She’s earned herself a nearly full-ride scholarship to Stanford, and she’s like family to me. Her whole family is like family to me,” I explain, smiling widely. “I really want to be there with them to cheer for her as she walks across the stage. I want to celebrate with them, and I hadn’t expected that to be such a selfish feeling.”
“Haley. That’s not selfish at all. Those are your friends, your family, and you have every right in the world to want to share this with them,” he assures me sweetly. “I’m sure you worked just as hard as she did, and you deserve to be there with them. Don’t ever let yourself think otherwise.”
I know he’s right, I really do. What he is saying is logical, but my brain is repelling logic right now. It wants no part of it. Still, I say, “You’re right.” He acknowledges my admission by squeezing my hand, which surprises me in ways that it shouldn’t. What happened to the discomfort, the awkwardness that came along with being near Nathan? That was supposed to be my reminder, a defense mechanism against him and his persistent charm. What other good is a lingering sense of awkwardness if it doesn’t have the dual purpose of acting as a sledgehammer of a reminder of why Nathan is a bad idea for me?
He’s getting to me, and I don’t know how to curb that. This madness needs to stop, plain and simple. I can’t go back to the place where this - where me and Nathan - is a comfortable thing. We’ve married, divorced, and been separated several years by a continental landmass and an ocean of hurt feelings. Nothing between us should be easy or comfortable. Just the same, what should be isn’t, and that scares the hell out of me.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I nod, my unfocused gaze not taking in any of the scenery that passes by in a blur. “I just really thought that this was it. That I’d never have to come back to Tree Hill again. My parents are gone, all of my siblings are settled elsewhere, and I’d see Karen when she came to visit Luke and Peyton. It was supposed to be done. I was done!”
Nathan sighs deeply, and I shift my gaze to him. “I know that I don’t really have the right to think or especially wish this, let alone say it, but I wish you’d consider me, too.”
I squeeze his hand gently before sliding my fingers free. “That is not fair, Nathan. It’s not fair of you to say that. You know where we stand,” I reprimand him softly.
“Yeah, I do,” he agrees with a slightly cheeky (and damn it, charming) smile. “I know that there is still something between us. I know that the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, the biggest mistake of my life was letting you go. I never should have pushed you out of my life, and I regret that I did every single day. Haley, I miss you on every damn level. Maybe you don’t want to hear this from me, but it’s all true.”
There are a million thoughts storming through my head. If I was smart, I wouldn’t respond to him at all. I’d keep my mouth shut and let it go, but something in me can’t seem to do that. “Why are you doing this?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “There is nothing good that could come of this, Nathan.”
He lifts an eyebrow in response. “Haley, I think about you so often. I think about how much I need you. I really do know that it isn’t fair to push you on this, but I have to ask. I have to tell you how I feel and let you know what I believe. I need you to know that I don’t believe this is over, and that I’m not giving you up this time. I won’t let you push me away.”
He has so much nerve, and I should know better than to pay attention to what he says. That seems to be easier said than done, at least according to the seventeen year old girl in me who desperately needs/wants her husband back. To think that after all this time, I thought she had finally given up.
“I can’t go there with you, Nathan. I’ve moved on, and there is no place in my life for you now. We had our chance, and it didn’t work out. I need you to accept that, please. Everything else is so hard right now, and I really don’t needs this on top of all of that. Please, Nathan.”
“I won’t make that promise, Haley. I can’t,” he says fervently, his voice full of gruff emotion. “I can’t give up on you, on us. I’m sorry if that’s not acceptable for you, but that’s just how it is for me.”
“Well, you did before,” I counter hotly, “And it didn’t exactly seem difficult for you then. So forgive me for not being too excited when things are down and out for you, and recapturing past glories seems like a good idea. I recognize when I’m just a temporary fix for someone, and since I’ve been already been that to you once, it is doubly easy to spot now.”
He unconsciously slows the truck as he glances over at me. I can tell that I have caught him off-guard with all this. “Recapturing past glories? Is that really what you think I’m doing?”
Huffing out a frustrated puff of air and absolutely exasperated by the hurt tone in his voice, I shrug. “Yeah, it is what you’re looking to do, Nathan. It is actually really obvious that that’s exactly what you’re trying to do.”
“Shit,” he curses softly when the car behind us honks in complaint of our speed. He gets the truck moving again, and after a very quiet, uncomfortable minute, he again reaches for my hand. “That is not how it is, Haley, and I am so damn sorry that I made you feel like it was.”
“You said that you thought about me when things were going badly for you,” I remind him, squeezing his hand tightly in mine. “That seems pretty clear, right? You just want me to make things better for you, but I can’t do that! It’s not my place, and I won’t be used again.”
“Maybe I worded it wrong, but that isn’t what I mean. Even at the highest points of my time away from you, I still thought of you all the time. If I had a good game, I wished you were there to celebrate with me. When I scored well on a test, you have to believe that you were always my first thought,” he explains fervently, his fingers lacing together with mine. “Maybe I should have let you go all those years ago, especially since I ordered you to do the same, but I can’t. I can’t let you go, and I don’t want to have anymore moments where I’m just stuck wishing you were with me. I want you with me for all of them.”
What do I say to that? What he’s saying shouldn’t matter to me, it shouldn’t hurt and tug at my heart the way it is doing, but most of all, I don’t want to see him hurting again. There is already so much hurt between the two of us, and I don’t want to add to that again.
“I can’t give you what you want,” I say softly. “Nathan, I’m not the same girl that I was five years ago, and to be honest, I don’t really want to be her again.”
“Give me a chance,” he asks quietly. “We’ve both changed, so who is to say that we wouldn’t fit even better now? I want the chance to get to know you again. I want you to know this better version of me, okay? Think about it, please. I just want you to think about it. Don’t say no, Hales. It’d break my heart.”
Low. Blow. “We live on opposite sides of the country. Even if I had this in me to give to you, I wouldn’t because of that. There is nothing left, Nathan. I have nothing left.”
He doesn’t respond to that, and we cruise along in silence until we arrive at the airport. He surprises me by turning into the parking area rather than heading for departure drop-offs. I shoot a questioning glance his way, but he ignores it and continues to stare stonily ahead. When he pulls into a parking spot, he finally glances over at me. “I’ll help you get your bags to check-in.”
“I think that I can manage them all,” I assure him, not wanting him to feel obligated to help me. Not to mention, I am hanging onto what I am rapidly suspecting to be a vain hope that distance is going to make this easier, that as soon as I am in the air, I’ll stop thinking these impossible thoughts.
“I didn’t park to let you drag your bags to the check-in counter yourself,” is his bemused response. “Come on, don’t look at me like I’m doing something wrong. I’m actually trying to be helpful for a change.”
“Okay, yeah,” I nod, giving him a slightly abashed smile. No one else can bring out the worst (and if I want to be honest, the best) in me like Nathan can. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything. I hope you know that I really appreciate all you have done for me today.”
He smiles easily at me as he unbuckles his seat belt. “Whether you like it or not, I’m here for you, whenever you need even the slightest, smallest, most inconsequential thing.”
There isn’t anything for me to say to that, so I follow his lead and unbuckle my seat belt and climb out of the truck. I grab one of my bags, letting him grab the other. We walk in side by side, neither saying anything, but I can’t stop myself from sneaking glances at him. I think that there is a part of me that can’t even believe he is here.
“Thanks,” I mutter quietly, needing to say it. I need to make sure that he knows I am grateful, even though this situation is bringing out the brat in me. “I haven’t really said that enough, but I want you to know that I am grateful.”
He glances down at me as we stand in line. “You don’t have to thank me, Haley. I’d do anything for you, just because I want to be near you. Thank me by accepting that.”
Why is this so hard? Saying ‘no, what you ask is impossible’ should not be this…well, impossible. He wants me to accept all this? Accepting it is admitting defeat, and admitting defeat is letting him back in. I can’t do that. Everything I’ve said is true, and even if it weren’t, what good is going ‘there’ with Nathan again? It crashed and burned so brightly, so hotly that I still have the scars on my heart, and I don’t want to go through that again.
“Will you please just let this go?” I ask him, my voice soft and scratchy at the same time. We hand the bags to the desk clerk who in turn places them on the conveyor belt, hopefully taking them to the right plane. We step back, walking slowly towards the security check point that he won’t be able to cross. “This is too hard, Nathan.”
“Come back,” he asks in earnest, leaning down into me, his shoulder brushing against mine as he stoops to my height. “I won’t ask you to stay now because I know that isn’t fair. But transfer schools and come back, Haley. Come back for Karen, for Luke and Peyton, and - and come back because there is still something between us. Because you know that it’s worth exploring, this thing that we have. This thing that we have always had.”
We’ve stopped walking, and he’s pulled me into a little alcove that at least gets us out of the way of other travelers if not affording a tiny measure of privacy. His hands find my face, fingertips brushing over my cheeks and ears and brow, even sweeping lower to trail down my neck. “You don’t have to make a decision right now, but you should think about it. Just think about it, Haley. I know that you want to be here for Karen’s sake, and I know that you’d do anything for Luke and Peyton, too. And I’m here, too. I’m here, and I want to be with you.”
He’s so hopeful and earnest that it practically undoes me, but with a lot of determination and whatever shredded bit of good sense I have left, I manage to turn away from him. “I have to go, Nathan. Just…take care of yourself. I really wish good things for you,” I tell him truthfully, hoping he believes it.
“You know, if you aren’t coming back, then I’m going to be out there,” he calls out casually after I’ve taken several steps towards the security check line. He’s said just the right thing to have me stopping abruptly and spinning around to face him.
“Goodbye, Nathan,” I repeat firmly, trying to keep the incredulity I am feeling off of my face. “I’m sure I’ll see you the next time I’m in Tree Hill.”
He grins at me, taking pleasure in riling me as he blatantly ignores my dismissal of him. “Sooner than that, Haley Scott.”
Without another backward glance, I stalk away from him.
Well, how did I get here?