'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Six
Prologue *** Chapter One *** Chapter Two *** Chapter Three *** Chapter Four *** Chapter Five
Thanks to Becky, for everything.
Chapter Six - Universal Appeal
‘Life is like nature; it ebbs and flows, has peaks and valleys, and both weather the storm just to see the glorious sun.’
“Hey,” Nathan repeats when I don’t respond or even react to his initial greeting. “Hey, are you okay, Hales?”
Heaving a great sigh, I nod, still not turning to look up at him. How rich is that, him showing up here and acting concerned. “Yeah, I’m just peachy,” I note dryly, wondering in a semi-bitter way what I did to piss off the universe so badly that he’d show up here now of all times. “What are you doing here, Nathan? It’s kind of late. Some people call the police when it’s dark and strangers are lurking in the shrubbery.”
He grins, pointing, “Well, you’re still awake and you know me, so no big, right?” Some of the smile drops off his face when I still refuse to look up at him. “Can we talk, Hales?”
Finally looking up at him, I raise my eyebrows. “I thought we had said everything necessary last night. I’m not sure why you’re here.”
“You said what you wanted to say yesterday,” he counters, obviously taking care to keep his tone light. “There’s still a lot I want to talk about with you, and I think you have a lot to say to me. I think that we have a lot to talk about.”
“Like what?” I ask, unable to help myself. “What on earth could we possibly have o talk about after all this time? We severed ties, Nathan. We’ve had zero contact over the past five years. And maybe that’s the way things are supposed to be.”
Without being invited (and clearly not deterred by my slightly harsh words), he sits down beside me on the porch. “You don’t believe that sometimes ‘the end’ isn’t really all it claims to be?”
Why? Why does he have to do this, especially tonight when my world has already been turned topsy-turvy? What gives him the right to talk to me now when he wouldn’t talk to me years ago, when it still mattered? Back when things could’ve been different.
“I guess that if we were meant to talk, we would’ve done it five years ago,” I bite out caustically, getting just that point across.
“Maybe we should have, but I wasn’t in a place where I could. That’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact.” He sighs, raggedly running a hand over his face. “Look, I screwed up in a lot of ways, and I know it. I screwed up before, during, and after that, but I’ve paid the piper on those and I’m working on me, on my life. I want to talk about those things, and I - and I want to apologize for some of them and explain others. There’s a lot to make right between us, but I want to try.”
Chancing another look his way, I narrow my eyes as I ask, “Where the hell was this five years ago? No, where was it four and a half years ago, or even four? There are very few people who would have this kind of nerve, showing up after all this time asking for something like this. I just - where do you get off?”
His face falls a bit more, and even though I try not, though I know I shouldn’t, I feel bad that I’m hurting him. Again. But…it’s been so long, and I’ve closed this chapter in my life. Maybe I haven’t personally resolved my issues with it, but talking to him isn’t going to make anything clearer or easier. That I know.
“You’re right,” he agrees softly, leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. “I screwed up, and I don’t deserve anything from you.”
“Funny how that doesn’t stop you from asking,” I snark, trying not devolve into the raging bitch I am currently feeling like. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing more to talk about. If we couldn’t talk about it then, we don’t need to talk about it now.”
He leans toward me a bit, a maddening grin on his face. “Well, I disagree,” he counters lightly, still grinning. Like a buffoon. Fine, a hot buffoon. Taking a breath, the smile drops away and he says, “I hate how things ended. I hate how I ended them, and I want to talk about it. I know I did a lot of things the wrong way, but can you just stop punishing me long enough to hear me out?”
Wow, that is rich. Like chocolate mousse with a caramel sauce and chocolate whipped cream rich. Me? Punishing him? Does he even live on planet Earth anymore? “I’m not punishing you,” I say, in as neutral manner as possible. Of course, my voice is as terse as my body is tense, so…that’s not so much a success.
The look of disbelief that he gives gets me so riled up that I jump to my feet, ignoring his startled exclamation as I stomp out into the yard, needing space right now. “Haley, where are you going? You don’t even have shoes on!”
As if my stomped on tootsies didn’t realize that! Hmph. “Screw you,” I hiss, something inside of me snapping. “How dare you approach me like this, wanting to talk, accusing me of punishing you! What the hell is going on inside your head that makes you think that you have the right to even look at me now! God, I just - I don’t even know what you want from me, Nathan. Do you feel guilty? Do you want me to pat you on the head and absolve you of that guilt? I don’t get it! What do you want?”
“You! I want you, Haley!” he yells back at me. “I want the only girl I’ve ever loved back, and I want her back now.”
Well. That? So not what I was expecting, and so very much not what I needed to hear from him right now. When Peyton offered to let me stay in LA, I should’ve taken her up on it. I - I don’t need this. It messes with everything: my head, my heart, my life. And I don’t want this. I don’t. No matter what feelings I had, have, or will be having, I don’t want this right now.
Grounding the heel of my hand between my eyes, I try to formulate a response. “Two things: that’s not fair, and you don’t mean that.”
He snorts at that, moving so close that he’s barely a foot away now. “You don’t get to decide what I mean, Haley. Don’t put words in my mouth, and don’t presume to know what I’m feeling. Because that isn’t for you to decide, Haley; especially if your decision is based on what makes you comfortable.”
I stare back at him, and I am sure my dismay is obviously and prominently displayed on my face. “Well, you know what?” I retort, willing myself not to notice close proximity (though having to will that probably means I’m failing miserably). “You are an arrogant jerk with a hell of a lot of nerve, Nathan Scott!”
“Yeah? Well, you’re acting like a prissy, self-righteous little bitch,” he counters, an angry vein throbbing near his left temple. “We were married! What gives you this stupid sense of entitlement that lets you act like some sort of martyr in all this, Haley Scott? It takes two to make a mess of a relationship!”
We both stop short at that. I freeze in shock at the pain that name still has the power to invoke in me. I think he surprised himself, too, because he just stares at me, his mouth opening and closing much like that of a fish. “You should go,” I say quietly, my gaze dropping off his face to the ground. “This - we can’t even have a simple conversation now. Let’s just admit that, accept that, and move on.”
He huffs out an angry breath, and when did this happen? He is so close that I can feel that breath on my cheek. “You’re a quitter,” he accuses softly. “You just give in and give up when the going gets a little too tough.”
Crack! The sharp sound of my open palm connecting with his cheek does more to shock both of us than the act of doing it. Or the fact that I could do it. That I did do it. “That’s not fair. Don’t accuse me of things that we both know are blatantly untrue.”
“You let me go!” he argues, his voice heavy with emotion. “You just gave up and let me go. What else should I think, but that you are a quitter!”
“Either your memory is pathetically selective to the hugest of faults or you really are completely oblivious to anything or anyone but yourself.” I shake my head, unable to help the bitter laugh that bubbles up. “My God, I begged you for months to take me back, and you - you threw it my face every time! What did you expect, me to chase you down at that fancy prep school your dad bought you into so you could transfer?
“Did it make you feel good when I couldn’t let go, when I’d cry and plead for another chance? Did you like knowing that I’d have done damn near anything to get you back? Did it make you feel big and powerful?” I mock him, not even caring anymore what I say or how it sounds. My censors turned off a few minutes ago.
His head drops a little, and try as I might not to, I can still see the traces of emotions on his face that I really wish I didn’t. “I didn’t mean it like that, but…you’re right. That was an unfair thing for me to hit you with, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.” Because there is nothing else to do, I nod. “And what you said, what you apparently think I liked or wanted, I didn’t. And I don’t.”
Taking one step and then a few more until I am over at the porch again, I sigh as I sit down. “It really is late, Nathan, and if that little exchange doesn’t convince you that we have no business interacting or communicating on any level, then I don’t know what will.”
“You know what I think? I think that this just goes to show why we need to talk and work things out,” he reasons. While that may be a solid point in many cases, the argument doesn’t really hold much water in our case. “There are a million things - good things - between us still that we can work on! I want to work on those things with you!”
“Good night, Nathan,” I bid him with a finality that I am not sure I feel. Apparently, he senses that hesitation, because he does not turn and leave as I expect. Oh, no, he comes over here and kneels in front of me. “What are you doing?” I ask wearily, scooting back until I hit the step above me.
Five years ago, I would’ve sold my soul to Dan Scott himself to have Nathan look at me as he is now. But this isn’t five years ago, and now that look just leaves me squirmy and nervous. “Look, I’ll go now, but only if you promise not to shut me out for another five years.”
Where does he even come up with this stuff? “I didn’t shut you out, Nathan. You left, and we both went to college and moved on with our lives. If you regret that, well, I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do about it now.”
“You just don’t get it!” he roars back at me.
His sheer, unmitigated gall unnerves me. “You live on a different planet than the rest of us,” I scoff, scooting over a bit to get myself some space from him. “These things that you want to happen? They are impossible. They aren’t going to happen, and it is for the best.”
“Why? What is so impossible, Hales?”
“All of it!” I shoot back angrily, my frustration bubbling over again. Thankfully just verbally this time. ”Everything that you are asking me for is impossible to give! You have already wrung me dry once, and I’m sorry, but I have no desire or intention of going down that road again. I’m sorry.”
Without warning, he reaches out and grabs my hand, clasping it tightly in his. I’m too surprised by the action to react immediately and pull away, and when I figure it out, there is a tiny part of me that isn’t ready to let go. “I need the chance,” he persists, pouting when I finally extract my hand from his. “Haley, I need to make amends, and I - think I need you back in my life. Actually, that’s not true. I know that I need you back in my life. It’s so much better with you in it.”
Make amends? Where is this twelve-step program crap coming from? I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him, I really don’t. How can I impress upon him the impossibility of what he is asking me for? “I don’t get you, Nathan. You had me at sixteen, ready and willing to do just about anything for you. That wasn’t good enough, apparently. Now, when I’ve moved on and have my own life, you have the nerve to ask me for more! I’m starting med school in three months! I have friends, an apartment, a job! I have a life! Why would you ask me to trudge back through the wreckage of our failed relationship now? Why now? Why would you do this?”
He cringes at the frank assessment, but to his credit, he doesn’t drop eye contact. “I think that I am still in love you. I’m actually nearly positive that I am, and I want to pursue it. This is the first chance I’ve had since you left, and I want to make the most of it.”
After a moment of the worst, most uncomfortable silence I have ever endured, my laughter bubbles up to ring hollowly in the heavy air of the night. “That’s pretty cruel, but so absolutely ridiculous that I can’t help but laugh.” Even though I know he isn’t joking, I keep laughing. I don’t know if it is the irony that gets me, the frustration bred by the futility of all this, or something else altogether, but it makes me laugh whatever it is. All I know is that once I get started, I can’t seem to stop. In fact, I don’t stop until he leans in and kisses me.
Same as when he grabbed my hand mere moments ago, I freeze up unable to formulate a response or a reaction. His arms come up around me; one of his hands sliding up my back between my shoulder blades to tangle in my hair. Something in me - maybe some part of me that is only for him - comes alive under his touch, his mouth, and suddenly, I am kissing him back, touching him back. Completely of their own accord, my arms find their way around him, my hands eagerly reacquainting themselves with his body.
One of us moans - I can hear it, I can taste it, I can feel it, but I don’t know which of us it comes from - and it seems to unleash a torrent of action and passion between us. Before I know it, I am on his lap, my knees falling to the outside of his thighs. His hands are suddenly on my hips, squeezing lightly. The soft touch isn’t enough for me, and growling, I pull myself tighter against him.
“Please,” I gasp out, whimpering in a manner very unlike myself. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for, but when he slips his hands under my shirt, I know that he at least knows what I need. “Oh, damn, Nathan.”
“I know, baby,” he breathes against my ear, his hands fumbling with the back clasp of my bra in his eagerness to get it off. Once he gets the clasp unhooked, his hands are on me, his thumbs brushing over my nipples as I lean into him. “Never, ever like this,” he mutters against my neck. “No one compares to you, Hales.”
That is exactly the bucket of cold water that I needed to have poured over my head, and it snaps me out of this Nathan-induced haze in an instant. “Even better than Brooke?” I ask coldly, standing on shaky legs and wrenching myself out of his arms.
He pales at the question, looking confused over the sudden change. “Jesus, Haley, what the - why would you ask about Brooke?”
“Never mind,” I bite out, jerking my shirt back down and trying to right my bra so that I can rehook it. He stands up, moving towards me. “Don’t. That was such a huge mistake, and I really mean that. God, what the hell is wrong with me?”
“I don’t get it,” he manages to get out, reaching out for me. He looks nonplussed when I jump out of his reach. God, what the hell? What the hell am I thinking? What am I doing? “Haley, one minute ago everything was fine, and now you won’t even let me touch you?”
Sucking in a deep, shuddering breath, I stare hard at him. “It wasn’t fine,” I lie. “It was just a moment of stupid, ridiculous passion. If I’d been thinking, it never would’ve happened.” Lie numero dos. “I’m sorry, Nathan. That - that was incredibly rude of me. I - you know, it’s been a few months for me - “ Oh, and there is lie three. It has been way longer than a few months. “ - And anyway, I’m sorry.”
Looking completely gob smacked, Nathan reaches out and grabs me by the shoulders. “Are you kidding me? Where is this coming from, Haley? You were just as active a participant in that as I was, but now you’re going to pretend like it was nothing?”
”I didn’t say it was nothing,” I counter. “I said it was a mistake. I didn’t mean to lead you on.” Not a lie, honest.
He stares at me incredulously. “Seriously, is this a joke? I don’t get it, what happened? What did I do wrong?”
Feeling a little guilty for not pulling away immediately, I sigh. “It wasn’t you. It’s me. I - this can’t happen, for me. Because I don’t want this and I don’t need this. Things between us are complicated enough; we don’t really need to go and make them worse, right?”
“Why did you ask about Brooke?” he fires back, gathering some anger to go with his confusion. “What the hell was that about?”
“It was about…nothing,” I sigh, shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter, Nathan. It really doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“What did he tell you? What did Luke tell you?” he demands. “Nothing happened, it was just a stupid drunk thing. I was drunk and pissed at you, and I did not know what I was doing back then! I don’t even remember it, Haley. All I remember was waking up the next morning with Luke yelling in my ear that I was lucky he came along when he did, because he’d have killed me if I’d screwed things up more.”
Shaking my head, I turn away from him. “He didn’t have to tell me anything, Nathan. I saw the two of you, in that stupid old car of ours at the river court. I didn’t know Luke found you there too until this morning. Go figure, right?”
I can feel him right behind me, but to his credit, he doesn’t touch me. “Haley, I - I didn’t know that,” he states lamely, and I can actually hear the regret in his voice. “You have to believe that, okay?”
Wrapping my arms tightly around my middle fighting the sudden chill that I feel, I nod. “Yeah, Luke told me that. This morning. You know, for five years, I thought…well, I thought the worst.”
“Hell,” he swears softly, and I can feel his hand hovering over my shoulder before he pulls it away. “I wouldn’t have done that to you.”
“Yeah, well,” I shrug, pushing my shoulder into his hand. We both startle at the contact, moving apart. “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Luke told me what happened, so I know, but it doesn’t change anything. Even if….no matter what, this - this whole thing right here - would have been a bad idea. Horrible.”
He reaches out again, setting his hand on my shoulder. Neither of us jerks away this time. “I didn’t - I’m sorry that you thought I’d do that to you. It - that must’ve been really horrible.” He moves around so he is in front of her, letting his hand fall down to his side. “You didn’t deserve that, any of it. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I shrug, wishing I could fold in on myself and cease to exist, for this moment at least. I turn around to face him. “It’s not like it was any worse than being asked for a divorce at seventeen, right?”
“Don’t joke,” is his soft rejoinder to what was not a joke, and he looks as lost as I feel. That doesn’t bring me any comfort, though. “Haley, I want you. I want you back. I have busted my ass to start getting my life back on track, and somewhere along the line I figured out that I don’t have much of a life without you.”
I shake my head, staring at him intently. Sadness seems to seep out of every last one of my pores, and I think to an extent he feels the same. “I’m going back to California in a few days, Nathan. There is no ‘back’ for us.”
He is staring back at me, and the part of me that isn’t sure of me wants to look away before he sees something to latch onto. “There are options, Hales. We could do the long distance thing, and you know, there are med schools here. And I could probably find work out there, too, right? I’m not a genius or anything, but I’m sure there are things I could do.”
I can’t take anymore of this tonight. I just can’t. My emotions feel like they have been rubbed raw, and the only salve might be getting out of his presence. I’m pretty sure my peace of mind won’t be restored until then, anyway.
“There aren’t options. There aren’t any because I don’t want there to be. I don’t want to pursue anything with you. I don’t want there to be an ‘us’. This - this - ALL of this, you, us, Tree Hill, I have shut the door on this part of my life, and as soon as Peyton is done shutting hers, I’m out of here. I won’t be back,” I state with finality, and I can see that this gets to him. He’s finally starting to get it, and I feel like more of a jerk than ever. Why can’t he see that this isn’t possible? It’s not healthy, it’s not right, and it isn’t possible.
“There are probably times I’ve given up in the past. The recent past, actually,” he winces as if reliving something painful. For all I know, he is. It’s almost sad how little I know of his life these past few years. “I don’t want to give you up again, Haley. You’re too important, too precious to me. Maybe it took a long time for me to figure that out, but now that I have, shouldn’t I get some credit?”
“It isn’t about that. Look, this isn’t about you. It’s about me, and what I need and what I’m doing in my life, and come on, you know that our lives don’t mesh anymore. They don’t include each other.”
Shooting me another coolly appraising look, he shakes his head as his eyes seem to dim in resignation. “This isn’t over. We are not over, Haley. You can tell yourself that and you can run away to California again, but it isn’t over.”
Does he truly not get it, or is he being deliberately obtuse? Because him acting like me going to California for school was running away really does not make me happy. Seriously, it pisses me off. He can transfer to a private prep school after requesting a divorce, but I can’t go out of state for college? This is such a joke.
“You should go now, Nathan,” I say quietly. I’m tired now, and it’s time for him to go. We’re just talking ourselves in circles now, and neither of us is really saying much at all. “It was…good to see you again. I - I hope things work out for you. You deserve great things.”
“And all I want is you,” he returns, the smirk I’ve seen a thousand times if once on his face.
“She said you should go,” Luke’s voice interrupts whatever else Nathan was about to say. “Just go home, bro.”
I whirl around, my cheeks flooding with heat and color as I take in Luke and Peyton standing on the porch above us. “Good night, Nathan. Goodbye.” I manage to get out before sprinting up the stairs into the house. I can hear Nathan and Luke going back and forth as I collapse onto a couch in the living room, slumping down against the cushions.
Peyton follows me in, sitting down beside me and not saying a word right away. When she does, it is just, “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” I assure her with a small smile. “That might have been the most awkward conversation of my life, and that does not include the time Paris Hilton came into the café that one summer.”
She laughs a little at that. “Sounded intense out there. I guess that is one thing a conversation with Paris could never be, right?”
Smiling at her effort to play along with my avoidance, I lean over until my head is on her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here, Peyt. Thank you for being such a great friend.”
“You’re welcome,” she nods, leaning her head on top of mine. “Whatever you need, Hales. Just tell me; it’s yours.”
“No, I don’t need anything,” I sigh, giving her a wry smile. “I will, however, be pretty damn happy when we get back home. I miss my apartment. I miss Chels. I miss the smoggy air and the celebrities packing into every corner of the café because it’s trendy.”
She lifts her head, shifting slightly away to look over at me. “Haley, I’d hardly call Paris Hilton a celebrity!” That earns a smile from me. “Look, you can change your ticket and go now, if you’d like. I would understand, and it would be perfectly okay.”
It’s sweet of her to offer, but there is no way in hell that I’m going to back down and slink out of here with my tail between my legs. That would be hitting way too close to what Nathan has already accused me of, and I can’t do that. I just can’t give anyone that impression.
“I’ll be fine,” I promise her, rolling my eyes when she nods but still purses her lips in that doubtful way. “I will, Peyt. I know that - look, how much did you guys see?”
“How much went on?” she shoots back, her eyebrows raised. When I don’t answer, she rolls her eyes and huffs out a breath that has her bangs fluttering against her forehead. “Fine, the first thing we heard was Nathan telling you that this wasn’t over. Then you told him to leave.”
Sighing, I brush my hair out of my face. “He kissed me. And - and I kissed him back. God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Peyton. The best I can come up with is that I’ve been single way too long now.”
She shrugs, snorting back a laugh. “Well, I doubt that was the basis of it, but it probably didn’t help.” Giving me a sympathetic pat on the knee, she sighs. “So, you kissed, huh? Well, that’s not so bad. There’s a lot of history there, and it’s not completely extraordinary to think that something like this could happen when you see each other for the first time.”
Wincing, I look over at her. “If it was confined to kissing, I might agree with that.”
“What? What else happened?”
“There…there was touching. And, well, a lot of touching. In places that shouldn’t be touched on the front lawn of your best friend’s childhood home, even if it is dark outside.” I shake my head at my own folly. “I almost let everything go, Peyt. I would’ve - oh, hell, I wanted to let it all go and just…go.”
She quirks an eyebrow up at that. “What stopped you?”
Giving her a wan smile, I reply, “He said something, and it just snapped me out of it.” To her credit she doesn’t ask what he said, even though she is obviously dying to, so I take pity on her. “He said that no one compares to me. That’s about when I flew off the handle.”
“Oh, did you hit him?” she asks with wide eyes. I swear, if I offered her some popcorn, she’d sit here listening to my story like it was a movie or something. Hmph, more like a telenovela.
“Actually, the violence came earlier,” I admit with a chagrined smile. “I popped him a pretty good one. He said something stupid and incredibly selfish that I can’t exactly remember at the moment, and I slapped him right across the face. God, I’m more up and down than those horses on the merry-go-round.”
She giggles at that picture, scooting towards me and patting the seat beside her when Luke walks into the room. “Finally get rid of him then?”
Luke shrugs, sitting down heavily. “I guess. What did you do to him, Hales? He looks like someone stole his puppy dog.”
“I told him that we couldn’t have a relationship,” I tell them, staring at the wall in front of us. “He - he seems to think that he’s still in love with me,” I mutter, breaking into a nervous giggle at the end. “Can you believe that? It’s impossible!”
Dragging my eyes from the ever so fascinating wall, I watch as they exchange looks. “Well, I mean, Haley, it isn’t that shocking,” Peyton offers. “Look, maybe he is and maybe he isn’t, but it isn’t surprising that he’d think he is, right? You were definitely, without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to him. So, even though things turned out poorly, that’s probably still really elevated in his mind, you know?”
More than a little shocked by her assessment, I look to Lucas for confirmation, stunned when he nods. “See, things haven’t always gone so great for him since he left Tree Hill,” Luke sighs, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t even know all the details, but he had some rough times. Injuries, lots of trouble with Dan - and you know the recent Dan stuff, and some other things.” I raise my eyebrows at that. Some other things? Could he be more vague? “I guess I can see where he’d see losing you as the point where things went to hell for him.”
Sensing that he wants to change the subject, I oblige him. “Well, I guess there is a tiny upside to all my humiliation tonight,” I tell them with a small smile. “I didn’t cry at all. That’s got to count for a little something, right?”
Luke frowns as if he doesn’t quite get the significance, but he nods his agreement anyway. Peyton, however, knows and she grins at me. “I’m still in shock that you popped him one,” she smirks, leaning into me. “It would’ve been better if I’d seen it, but just knowing that it happened kind of suffices.”
I have to smile at that. A part of me does feel bad about resorting to violence, but another part of me can’t help but think he deserved it. All in all, I think I mostly feel bad. I’ve never hit anyone before, not even my sister Taylor. And Lord knows, she deserved on many occasions. This was a new thing that I wasn’t really feeling.
Peyton stands up, her arms rising above her head in a stretch. “I think I’m going back to bed, okay, slugger?” she teases me, grinning when I chuck a pillow at her. “I’ll see you upstairs, Luke.”
Grateful for the ‘stay!’ look she gives Luke, I smile as I bid her good night. She knows that I have questions to ask Luke, and that he might be more likely to answer if it is just me. Once I hear her bedroom door shut, I turn to Luke. He raises his eyebrows at me in response.
“Are you going to tell me or do I have to beat it out of you?” I ask, playfully raising my fists. “I’ve got a wicked slap, if you can believe that.”
“Don’t believe it for a second,” he grins half-heartedly, before sighing and letting the smile fall off his face into resignation. “What do you want to know?”
Turning sideways on the couch and tucking my feet under me, I watch his expression as I ask, “Why does he seem to think that he and I should get back together? What happened that makes him want to turn back to something that was over five years ago?”
He nods, and I know that was exactly what he was expecting to be asked by me. “It kind of goes against a lot of things that are important to me, but I’ll tell you anyway. It’s not like you ask me for that much, so why not, right?”
Feeling guilty that he’d break the guy code or the residual brother code, I shake my head. “Luke, I do want to know, badly, but you don’t have to tell me. Especially not if you promised or something like that. I guess it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m not trying to put you on the spot.”
“I guess I kind of just think that you should ask Nathan,” he sighs. “I mean, I know why you don’t want to, I get why that would be hard, but…yeah. We can talk about it. Just remember, anything I know is second-hand information.” I nod at that, and he pauses a minute to collect his thoughts. “I think he had a good year at that prep school Dan shelled out for, and his first year of college was probably good, too. I know for a fact he got a lot of playing time off the bench, which is good for a freshman. He…dated a lot, but not anyone steadily from what I heard.” Okay, so he was big on one night stands. That’s fine, his prerogative. Deep breath, Haley, you are not allowed to be jealous.
“I don’t know if those years really featured his finest moments, but by all accounts, he did well for himself,” Luke continues on, blithely unaware of my inner monologue. “Then sometime early in the school year of his sophomore year, Dan turned up. I - I’m a little ashamed to admit that I never asked Mom or Deb what happened, but what I heard was pretty bad. Pretty typical Dan. He showed up, cornered Nathan on the quad or some crap like that. Allegedly, fists were thrown and both were hauled in by the campus police.” My jaw drops open at that. “Well, the kid Mouth heard that from had hated Nathan in high school, so who knows, right? Kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt.”
I shake my head, fuming on Nathan’s behalf. I should not care this much, or be this indignant, but I do and I am. “It would’ve been just like Dan to show up and mess with Nathan’s head, right? God, if that man were still around, I’d march over to his place and throw the hurt around. Who does he think he is?”
Luke nods his agreement. “There are a lot of things I’d like to say and do to him, too,” he mutters darkly. “Anyway, whatever happened, it must’ve messed Nathan up. I guess that I’ve thought it must’ve been a slippery slope for him, especially since he was all alone. There was no one there to check him or keep him in hand. No one to remind him that he was a good guy, that he was better than Dan and his BS. Someone should’ve been there to remind him that he wasn’t a screw up, no matter what Dan said. I don’t think Deb could be that person for him,” Luke bites out, a scowl darkening his face. “His self-esteem always seemed to take a beating when dealing with Dan; I can’t imagine that was much different.”
God, what happened? What did Dan do to Nathan that could cause whatever Luke is working up to to happen? Suddenly, I’m not so sure I want to know.
”His sophomore year was pretty bad,” Luke goes on, and in spite of myself, I listen in rapt and uneasy fascination. “He had academic problems. Big enough ones that he was ruled ineligible for basketball for the last half of the season.” Oh, that must’ve killed him. “I heard Deb talking to my mom about that once that year. Nathan wouldn’t take her calls, but she found out he was kicked out of his apartment. She had co-signed for it, so they notified her, too. Noise and conduct violations, she said.”
Groaning, I cover my face with my hands. “Well,” I sigh, shrugging at Luke. “It’s too bad that all those things happened the way they did, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a part of my heart breaks for him, but I don’t get how those really factor into him thinking he should get back together with me.”
Luke cringes, prompting me to reflexively do the same. “He left school before the end of his junior year, Haley. He’d got his grades back up so he was on the team again, but - “ he cuts himself off abruptly, glancing up at me. “Ask him the rest. I only know the rumors, and I really don’t feel right repeating any of that since I don’t know what actually went down. That wouldn’t be fair. If you really want to know, ask him.”
With that, he stands abruptly and leaves the room, his footsteps echoing loudly on the stairs. What just happened? And what happened that he would refuse to tell me?
Thanks to Becky, for everything.
Chapter Six - Universal Appeal
‘Life is like nature; it ebbs and flows, has peaks and valleys, and both weather the storm just to see the glorious sun.’
“Hey,” Nathan repeats when I don’t respond or even react to his initial greeting. “Hey, are you okay, Hales?”
Heaving a great sigh, I nod, still not turning to look up at him. How rich is that, him showing up here and acting concerned. “Yeah, I’m just peachy,” I note dryly, wondering in a semi-bitter way what I did to piss off the universe so badly that he’d show up here now of all times. “What are you doing here, Nathan? It’s kind of late. Some people call the police when it’s dark and strangers are lurking in the shrubbery.”
He grins, pointing, “Well, you’re still awake and you know me, so no big, right?” Some of the smile drops off his face when I still refuse to look up at him. “Can we talk, Hales?”
Finally looking up at him, I raise my eyebrows. “I thought we had said everything necessary last night. I’m not sure why you’re here.”
“You said what you wanted to say yesterday,” he counters, obviously taking care to keep his tone light. “There’s still a lot I want to talk about with you, and I think you have a lot to say to me. I think that we have a lot to talk about.”
“Like what?” I ask, unable to help myself. “What on earth could we possibly have o talk about after all this time? We severed ties, Nathan. We’ve had zero contact over the past five years. And maybe that’s the way things are supposed to be.”
Without being invited (and clearly not deterred by my slightly harsh words), he sits down beside me on the porch. “You don’t believe that sometimes ‘the end’ isn’t really all it claims to be?”
Why? Why does he have to do this, especially tonight when my world has already been turned topsy-turvy? What gives him the right to talk to me now when he wouldn’t talk to me years ago, when it still mattered? Back when things could’ve been different.
“I guess that if we were meant to talk, we would’ve done it five years ago,” I bite out caustically, getting just that point across.
“Maybe we should have, but I wasn’t in a place where I could. That’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact.” He sighs, raggedly running a hand over his face. “Look, I screwed up in a lot of ways, and I know it. I screwed up before, during, and after that, but I’ve paid the piper on those and I’m working on me, on my life. I want to talk about those things, and I - and I want to apologize for some of them and explain others. There’s a lot to make right between us, but I want to try.”
Chancing another look his way, I narrow my eyes as I ask, “Where the hell was this five years ago? No, where was it four and a half years ago, or even four? There are very few people who would have this kind of nerve, showing up after all this time asking for something like this. I just - where do you get off?”
His face falls a bit more, and even though I try not, though I know I shouldn’t, I feel bad that I’m hurting him. Again. But…it’s been so long, and I’ve closed this chapter in my life. Maybe I haven’t personally resolved my issues with it, but talking to him isn’t going to make anything clearer or easier. That I know.
“You’re right,” he agrees softly, leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. “I screwed up, and I don’t deserve anything from you.”
“Funny how that doesn’t stop you from asking,” I snark, trying not devolve into the raging bitch I am currently feeling like. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing more to talk about. If we couldn’t talk about it then, we don’t need to talk about it now.”
He leans toward me a bit, a maddening grin on his face. “Well, I disagree,” he counters lightly, still grinning. Like a buffoon. Fine, a hot buffoon. Taking a breath, the smile drops away and he says, “I hate how things ended. I hate how I ended them, and I want to talk about it. I know I did a lot of things the wrong way, but can you just stop punishing me long enough to hear me out?”
Wow, that is rich. Like chocolate mousse with a caramel sauce and chocolate whipped cream rich. Me? Punishing him? Does he even live on planet Earth anymore? “I’m not punishing you,” I say, in as neutral manner as possible. Of course, my voice is as terse as my body is tense, so…that’s not so much a success.
The look of disbelief that he gives gets me so riled up that I jump to my feet, ignoring his startled exclamation as I stomp out into the yard, needing space right now. “Haley, where are you going? You don’t even have shoes on!”
As if my stomped on tootsies didn’t realize that! Hmph. “Screw you,” I hiss, something inside of me snapping. “How dare you approach me like this, wanting to talk, accusing me of punishing you! What the hell is going on inside your head that makes you think that you have the right to even look at me now! God, I just - I don’t even know what you want from me, Nathan. Do you feel guilty? Do you want me to pat you on the head and absolve you of that guilt? I don’t get it! What do you want?”
“You! I want you, Haley!” he yells back at me. “I want the only girl I’ve ever loved back, and I want her back now.”
Well. That? So not what I was expecting, and so very much not what I needed to hear from him right now. When Peyton offered to let me stay in LA, I should’ve taken her up on it. I - I don’t need this. It messes with everything: my head, my heart, my life. And I don’t want this. I don’t. No matter what feelings I had, have, or will be having, I don’t want this right now.
Grounding the heel of my hand between my eyes, I try to formulate a response. “Two things: that’s not fair, and you don’t mean that.”
He snorts at that, moving so close that he’s barely a foot away now. “You don’t get to decide what I mean, Haley. Don’t put words in my mouth, and don’t presume to know what I’m feeling. Because that isn’t for you to decide, Haley; especially if your decision is based on what makes you comfortable.”
I stare back at him, and I am sure my dismay is obviously and prominently displayed on my face. “Well, you know what?” I retort, willing myself not to notice close proximity (though having to will that probably means I’m failing miserably). “You are an arrogant jerk with a hell of a lot of nerve, Nathan Scott!”
“Yeah? Well, you’re acting like a prissy, self-righteous little bitch,” he counters, an angry vein throbbing near his left temple. “We were married! What gives you this stupid sense of entitlement that lets you act like some sort of martyr in all this, Haley Scott? It takes two to make a mess of a relationship!”
We both stop short at that. I freeze in shock at the pain that name still has the power to invoke in me. I think he surprised himself, too, because he just stares at me, his mouth opening and closing much like that of a fish. “You should go,” I say quietly, my gaze dropping off his face to the ground. “This - we can’t even have a simple conversation now. Let’s just admit that, accept that, and move on.”
He huffs out an angry breath, and when did this happen? He is so close that I can feel that breath on my cheek. “You’re a quitter,” he accuses softly. “You just give in and give up when the going gets a little too tough.”
Crack! The sharp sound of my open palm connecting with his cheek does more to shock both of us than the act of doing it. Or the fact that I could do it. That I did do it. “That’s not fair. Don’t accuse me of things that we both know are blatantly untrue.”
“You let me go!” he argues, his voice heavy with emotion. “You just gave up and let me go. What else should I think, but that you are a quitter!”
“Either your memory is pathetically selective to the hugest of faults or you really are completely oblivious to anything or anyone but yourself.” I shake my head, unable to help the bitter laugh that bubbles up. “My God, I begged you for months to take me back, and you - you threw it my face every time! What did you expect, me to chase you down at that fancy prep school your dad bought you into so you could transfer?
“Did it make you feel good when I couldn’t let go, when I’d cry and plead for another chance? Did you like knowing that I’d have done damn near anything to get you back? Did it make you feel big and powerful?” I mock him, not even caring anymore what I say or how it sounds. My censors turned off a few minutes ago.
His head drops a little, and try as I might not to, I can still see the traces of emotions on his face that I really wish I didn’t. “I didn’t mean it like that, but…you’re right. That was an unfair thing for me to hit you with, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.” Because there is nothing else to do, I nod. “And what you said, what you apparently think I liked or wanted, I didn’t. And I don’t.”
Taking one step and then a few more until I am over at the porch again, I sigh as I sit down. “It really is late, Nathan, and if that little exchange doesn’t convince you that we have no business interacting or communicating on any level, then I don’t know what will.”
“You know what I think? I think that this just goes to show why we need to talk and work things out,” he reasons. While that may be a solid point in many cases, the argument doesn’t really hold much water in our case. “There are a million things - good things - between us still that we can work on! I want to work on those things with you!”
“Good night, Nathan,” I bid him with a finality that I am not sure I feel. Apparently, he senses that hesitation, because he does not turn and leave as I expect. Oh, no, he comes over here and kneels in front of me. “What are you doing?” I ask wearily, scooting back until I hit the step above me.
Five years ago, I would’ve sold my soul to Dan Scott himself to have Nathan look at me as he is now. But this isn’t five years ago, and now that look just leaves me squirmy and nervous. “Look, I’ll go now, but only if you promise not to shut me out for another five years.”
Where does he even come up with this stuff? “I didn’t shut you out, Nathan. You left, and we both went to college and moved on with our lives. If you regret that, well, I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do about it now.”
“You just don’t get it!” he roars back at me.
His sheer, unmitigated gall unnerves me. “You live on a different planet than the rest of us,” I scoff, scooting over a bit to get myself some space from him. “These things that you want to happen? They are impossible. They aren’t going to happen, and it is for the best.”
“Why? What is so impossible, Hales?”
“All of it!” I shoot back angrily, my frustration bubbling over again. Thankfully just verbally this time. ”Everything that you are asking me for is impossible to give! You have already wrung me dry once, and I’m sorry, but I have no desire or intention of going down that road again. I’m sorry.”
Without warning, he reaches out and grabs my hand, clasping it tightly in his. I’m too surprised by the action to react immediately and pull away, and when I figure it out, there is a tiny part of me that isn’t ready to let go. “I need the chance,” he persists, pouting when I finally extract my hand from his. “Haley, I need to make amends, and I - think I need you back in my life. Actually, that’s not true. I know that I need you back in my life. It’s so much better with you in it.”
Make amends? Where is this twelve-step program crap coming from? I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him, I really don’t. How can I impress upon him the impossibility of what he is asking me for? “I don’t get you, Nathan. You had me at sixteen, ready and willing to do just about anything for you. That wasn’t good enough, apparently. Now, when I’ve moved on and have my own life, you have the nerve to ask me for more! I’m starting med school in three months! I have friends, an apartment, a job! I have a life! Why would you ask me to trudge back through the wreckage of our failed relationship now? Why now? Why would you do this?”
He cringes at the frank assessment, but to his credit, he doesn’t drop eye contact. “I think that I am still in love you. I’m actually nearly positive that I am, and I want to pursue it. This is the first chance I’ve had since you left, and I want to make the most of it.”
After a moment of the worst, most uncomfortable silence I have ever endured, my laughter bubbles up to ring hollowly in the heavy air of the night. “That’s pretty cruel, but so absolutely ridiculous that I can’t help but laugh.” Even though I know he isn’t joking, I keep laughing. I don’t know if it is the irony that gets me, the frustration bred by the futility of all this, or something else altogether, but it makes me laugh whatever it is. All I know is that once I get started, I can’t seem to stop. In fact, I don’t stop until he leans in and kisses me.
Same as when he grabbed my hand mere moments ago, I freeze up unable to formulate a response or a reaction. His arms come up around me; one of his hands sliding up my back between my shoulder blades to tangle in my hair. Something in me - maybe some part of me that is only for him - comes alive under his touch, his mouth, and suddenly, I am kissing him back, touching him back. Completely of their own accord, my arms find their way around him, my hands eagerly reacquainting themselves with his body.
One of us moans - I can hear it, I can taste it, I can feel it, but I don’t know which of us it comes from - and it seems to unleash a torrent of action and passion between us. Before I know it, I am on his lap, my knees falling to the outside of his thighs. His hands are suddenly on my hips, squeezing lightly. The soft touch isn’t enough for me, and growling, I pull myself tighter against him.
“Please,” I gasp out, whimpering in a manner very unlike myself. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for, but when he slips his hands under my shirt, I know that he at least knows what I need. “Oh, damn, Nathan.”
“I know, baby,” he breathes against my ear, his hands fumbling with the back clasp of my bra in his eagerness to get it off. Once he gets the clasp unhooked, his hands are on me, his thumbs brushing over my nipples as I lean into him. “Never, ever like this,” he mutters against my neck. “No one compares to you, Hales.”
That is exactly the bucket of cold water that I needed to have poured over my head, and it snaps me out of this Nathan-induced haze in an instant. “Even better than Brooke?” I ask coldly, standing on shaky legs and wrenching myself out of his arms.
He pales at the question, looking confused over the sudden change. “Jesus, Haley, what the - why would you ask about Brooke?”
“Never mind,” I bite out, jerking my shirt back down and trying to right my bra so that I can rehook it. He stands up, moving towards me. “Don’t. That was such a huge mistake, and I really mean that. God, what the hell is wrong with me?”
“I don’t get it,” he manages to get out, reaching out for me. He looks nonplussed when I jump out of his reach. God, what the hell? What the hell am I thinking? What am I doing? “Haley, one minute ago everything was fine, and now you won’t even let me touch you?”
Sucking in a deep, shuddering breath, I stare hard at him. “It wasn’t fine,” I lie. “It was just a moment of stupid, ridiculous passion. If I’d been thinking, it never would’ve happened.” Lie numero dos. “I’m sorry, Nathan. That - that was incredibly rude of me. I - you know, it’s been a few months for me - “ Oh, and there is lie three. It has been way longer than a few months. “ - And anyway, I’m sorry.”
Looking completely gob smacked, Nathan reaches out and grabs me by the shoulders. “Are you kidding me? Where is this coming from, Haley? You were just as active a participant in that as I was, but now you’re going to pretend like it was nothing?”
”I didn’t say it was nothing,” I counter. “I said it was a mistake. I didn’t mean to lead you on.” Not a lie, honest.
He stares at me incredulously. “Seriously, is this a joke? I don’t get it, what happened? What did I do wrong?”
Feeling a little guilty for not pulling away immediately, I sigh. “It wasn’t you. It’s me. I - this can’t happen, for me. Because I don’t want this and I don’t need this. Things between us are complicated enough; we don’t really need to go and make them worse, right?”
“Why did you ask about Brooke?” he fires back, gathering some anger to go with his confusion. “What the hell was that about?”
“It was about…nothing,” I sigh, shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter, Nathan. It really doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“What did he tell you? What did Luke tell you?” he demands. “Nothing happened, it was just a stupid drunk thing. I was drunk and pissed at you, and I did not know what I was doing back then! I don’t even remember it, Haley. All I remember was waking up the next morning with Luke yelling in my ear that I was lucky he came along when he did, because he’d have killed me if I’d screwed things up more.”
Shaking my head, I turn away from him. “He didn’t have to tell me anything, Nathan. I saw the two of you, in that stupid old car of ours at the river court. I didn’t know Luke found you there too until this morning. Go figure, right?”
I can feel him right behind me, but to his credit, he doesn’t touch me. “Haley, I - I didn’t know that,” he states lamely, and I can actually hear the regret in his voice. “You have to believe that, okay?”
Wrapping my arms tightly around my middle fighting the sudden chill that I feel, I nod. “Yeah, Luke told me that. This morning. You know, for five years, I thought…well, I thought the worst.”
“Hell,” he swears softly, and I can feel his hand hovering over my shoulder before he pulls it away. “I wouldn’t have done that to you.”
“Yeah, well,” I shrug, pushing my shoulder into his hand. We both startle at the contact, moving apart. “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Luke told me what happened, so I know, but it doesn’t change anything. Even if….no matter what, this - this whole thing right here - would have been a bad idea. Horrible.”
He reaches out again, setting his hand on my shoulder. Neither of us jerks away this time. “I didn’t - I’m sorry that you thought I’d do that to you. It - that must’ve been really horrible.” He moves around so he is in front of her, letting his hand fall down to his side. “You didn’t deserve that, any of it. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I shrug, wishing I could fold in on myself and cease to exist, for this moment at least. I turn around to face him. “It’s not like it was any worse than being asked for a divorce at seventeen, right?”
“Don’t joke,” is his soft rejoinder to what was not a joke, and he looks as lost as I feel. That doesn’t bring me any comfort, though. “Haley, I want you. I want you back. I have busted my ass to start getting my life back on track, and somewhere along the line I figured out that I don’t have much of a life without you.”
I shake my head, staring at him intently. Sadness seems to seep out of every last one of my pores, and I think to an extent he feels the same. “I’m going back to California in a few days, Nathan. There is no ‘back’ for us.”
He is staring back at me, and the part of me that isn’t sure of me wants to look away before he sees something to latch onto. “There are options, Hales. We could do the long distance thing, and you know, there are med schools here. And I could probably find work out there, too, right? I’m not a genius or anything, but I’m sure there are things I could do.”
I can’t take anymore of this tonight. I just can’t. My emotions feel like they have been rubbed raw, and the only salve might be getting out of his presence. I’m pretty sure my peace of mind won’t be restored until then, anyway.
“There aren’t options. There aren’t any because I don’t want there to be. I don’t want to pursue anything with you. I don’t want there to be an ‘us’. This - this - ALL of this, you, us, Tree Hill, I have shut the door on this part of my life, and as soon as Peyton is done shutting hers, I’m out of here. I won’t be back,” I state with finality, and I can see that this gets to him. He’s finally starting to get it, and I feel like more of a jerk than ever. Why can’t he see that this isn’t possible? It’s not healthy, it’s not right, and it isn’t possible.
“There are probably times I’ve given up in the past. The recent past, actually,” he winces as if reliving something painful. For all I know, he is. It’s almost sad how little I know of his life these past few years. “I don’t want to give you up again, Haley. You’re too important, too precious to me. Maybe it took a long time for me to figure that out, but now that I have, shouldn’t I get some credit?”
“It isn’t about that. Look, this isn’t about you. It’s about me, and what I need and what I’m doing in my life, and come on, you know that our lives don’t mesh anymore. They don’t include each other.”
Shooting me another coolly appraising look, he shakes his head as his eyes seem to dim in resignation. “This isn’t over. We are not over, Haley. You can tell yourself that and you can run away to California again, but it isn’t over.”
Does he truly not get it, or is he being deliberately obtuse? Because him acting like me going to California for school was running away really does not make me happy. Seriously, it pisses me off. He can transfer to a private prep school after requesting a divorce, but I can’t go out of state for college? This is such a joke.
“You should go now, Nathan,” I say quietly. I’m tired now, and it’s time for him to go. We’re just talking ourselves in circles now, and neither of us is really saying much at all. “It was…good to see you again. I - I hope things work out for you. You deserve great things.”
“And all I want is you,” he returns, the smirk I’ve seen a thousand times if once on his face.
“She said you should go,” Luke’s voice interrupts whatever else Nathan was about to say. “Just go home, bro.”
I whirl around, my cheeks flooding with heat and color as I take in Luke and Peyton standing on the porch above us. “Good night, Nathan. Goodbye.” I manage to get out before sprinting up the stairs into the house. I can hear Nathan and Luke going back and forth as I collapse onto a couch in the living room, slumping down against the cushions.
Peyton follows me in, sitting down beside me and not saying a word right away. When she does, it is just, “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” I assure her with a small smile. “That might have been the most awkward conversation of my life, and that does not include the time Paris Hilton came into the café that one summer.”
She laughs a little at that. “Sounded intense out there. I guess that is one thing a conversation with Paris could never be, right?”
Smiling at her effort to play along with my avoidance, I lean over until my head is on her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here, Peyt. Thank you for being such a great friend.”
“You’re welcome,” she nods, leaning her head on top of mine. “Whatever you need, Hales. Just tell me; it’s yours.”
“No, I don’t need anything,” I sigh, giving her a wry smile. “I will, however, be pretty damn happy when we get back home. I miss my apartment. I miss Chels. I miss the smoggy air and the celebrities packing into every corner of the café because it’s trendy.”
She lifts her head, shifting slightly away to look over at me. “Haley, I’d hardly call Paris Hilton a celebrity!” That earns a smile from me. “Look, you can change your ticket and go now, if you’d like. I would understand, and it would be perfectly okay.”
It’s sweet of her to offer, but there is no way in hell that I’m going to back down and slink out of here with my tail between my legs. That would be hitting way too close to what Nathan has already accused me of, and I can’t do that. I just can’t give anyone that impression.
“I’ll be fine,” I promise her, rolling my eyes when she nods but still purses her lips in that doubtful way. “I will, Peyt. I know that - look, how much did you guys see?”
“How much went on?” she shoots back, her eyebrows raised. When I don’t answer, she rolls her eyes and huffs out a breath that has her bangs fluttering against her forehead. “Fine, the first thing we heard was Nathan telling you that this wasn’t over. Then you told him to leave.”
Sighing, I brush my hair out of my face. “He kissed me. And - and I kissed him back. God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Peyton. The best I can come up with is that I’ve been single way too long now.”
She shrugs, snorting back a laugh. “Well, I doubt that was the basis of it, but it probably didn’t help.” Giving me a sympathetic pat on the knee, she sighs. “So, you kissed, huh? Well, that’s not so bad. There’s a lot of history there, and it’s not completely extraordinary to think that something like this could happen when you see each other for the first time.”
Wincing, I look over at her. “If it was confined to kissing, I might agree with that.”
“What? What else happened?”
“There…there was touching. And, well, a lot of touching. In places that shouldn’t be touched on the front lawn of your best friend’s childhood home, even if it is dark outside.” I shake my head at my own folly. “I almost let everything go, Peyt. I would’ve - oh, hell, I wanted to let it all go and just…go.”
She quirks an eyebrow up at that. “What stopped you?”
Giving her a wan smile, I reply, “He said something, and it just snapped me out of it.” To her credit she doesn’t ask what he said, even though she is obviously dying to, so I take pity on her. “He said that no one compares to me. That’s about when I flew off the handle.”
“Oh, did you hit him?” she asks with wide eyes. I swear, if I offered her some popcorn, she’d sit here listening to my story like it was a movie or something. Hmph, more like a telenovela.
“Actually, the violence came earlier,” I admit with a chagrined smile. “I popped him a pretty good one. He said something stupid and incredibly selfish that I can’t exactly remember at the moment, and I slapped him right across the face. God, I’m more up and down than those horses on the merry-go-round.”
She giggles at that picture, scooting towards me and patting the seat beside her when Luke walks into the room. “Finally get rid of him then?”
Luke shrugs, sitting down heavily. “I guess. What did you do to him, Hales? He looks like someone stole his puppy dog.”
“I told him that we couldn’t have a relationship,” I tell them, staring at the wall in front of us. “He - he seems to think that he’s still in love with me,” I mutter, breaking into a nervous giggle at the end. “Can you believe that? It’s impossible!”
Dragging my eyes from the ever so fascinating wall, I watch as they exchange looks. “Well, I mean, Haley, it isn’t that shocking,” Peyton offers. “Look, maybe he is and maybe he isn’t, but it isn’t surprising that he’d think he is, right? You were definitely, without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to him. So, even though things turned out poorly, that’s probably still really elevated in his mind, you know?”
More than a little shocked by her assessment, I look to Lucas for confirmation, stunned when he nods. “See, things haven’t always gone so great for him since he left Tree Hill,” Luke sighs, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t even know all the details, but he had some rough times. Injuries, lots of trouble with Dan - and you know the recent Dan stuff, and some other things.” I raise my eyebrows at that. Some other things? Could he be more vague? “I guess I can see where he’d see losing you as the point where things went to hell for him.”
Sensing that he wants to change the subject, I oblige him. “Well, I guess there is a tiny upside to all my humiliation tonight,” I tell them with a small smile. “I didn’t cry at all. That’s got to count for a little something, right?”
Luke frowns as if he doesn’t quite get the significance, but he nods his agreement anyway. Peyton, however, knows and she grins at me. “I’m still in shock that you popped him one,” she smirks, leaning into me. “It would’ve been better if I’d seen it, but just knowing that it happened kind of suffices.”
I have to smile at that. A part of me does feel bad about resorting to violence, but another part of me can’t help but think he deserved it. All in all, I think I mostly feel bad. I’ve never hit anyone before, not even my sister Taylor. And Lord knows, she deserved on many occasions. This was a new thing that I wasn’t really feeling.
Peyton stands up, her arms rising above her head in a stretch. “I think I’m going back to bed, okay, slugger?” she teases me, grinning when I chuck a pillow at her. “I’ll see you upstairs, Luke.”
Grateful for the ‘stay!’ look she gives Luke, I smile as I bid her good night. She knows that I have questions to ask Luke, and that he might be more likely to answer if it is just me. Once I hear her bedroom door shut, I turn to Luke. He raises his eyebrows at me in response.
“Are you going to tell me or do I have to beat it out of you?” I ask, playfully raising my fists. “I’ve got a wicked slap, if you can believe that.”
“Don’t believe it for a second,” he grins half-heartedly, before sighing and letting the smile fall off his face into resignation. “What do you want to know?”
Turning sideways on the couch and tucking my feet under me, I watch his expression as I ask, “Why does he seem to think that he and I should get back together? What happened that makes him want to turn back to something that was over five years ago?”
He nods, and I know that was exactly what he was expecting to be asked by me. “It kind of goes against a lot of things that are important to me, but I’ll tell you anyway. It’s not like you ask me for that much, so why not, right?”
Feeling guilty that he’d break the guy code or the residual brother code, I shake my head. “Luke, I do want to know, badly, but you don’t have to tell me. Especially not if you promised or something like that. I guess it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m not trying to put you on the spot.”
“I guess I kind of just think that you should ask Nathan,” he sighs. “I mean, I know why you don’t want to, I get why that would be hard, but…yeah. We can talk about it. Just remember, anything I know is second-hand information.” I nod at that, and he pauses a minute to collect his thoughts. “I think he had a good year at that prep school Dan shelled out for, and his first year of college was probably good, too. I know for a fact he got a lot of playing time off the bench, which is good for a freshman. He…dated a lot, but not anyone steadily from what I heard.” Okay, so he was big on one night stands. That’s fine, his prerogative. Deep breath, Haley, you are not allowed to be jealous.
“I don’t know if those years really featured his finest moments, but by all accounts, he did well for himself,” Luke continues on, blithely unaware of my inner monologue. “Then sometime early in the school year of his sophomore year, Dan turned up. I - I’m a little ashamed to admit that I never asked Mom or Deb what happened, but what I heard was pretty bad. Pretty typical Dan. He showed up, cornered Nathan on the quad or some crap like that. Allegedly, fists were thrown and both were hauled in by the campus police.” My jaw drops open at that. “Well, the kid Mouth heard that from had hated Nathan in high school, so who knows, right? Kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt.”
I shake my head, fuming on Nathan’s behalf. I should not care this much, or be this indignant, but I do and I am. “It would’ve been just like Dan to show up and mess with Nathan’s head, right? God, if that man were still around, I’d march over to his place and throw the hurt around. Who does he think he is?”
Luke nods his agreement. “There are a lot of things I’d like to say and do to him, too,” he mutters darkly. “Anyway, whatever happened, it must’ve messed Nathan up. I guess that I’ve thought it must’ve been a slippery slope for him, especially since he was all alone. There was no one there to check him or keep him in hand. No one to remind him that he was a good guy, that he was better than Dan and his BS. Someone should’ve been there to remind him that he wasn’t a screw up, no matter what Dan said. I don’t think Deb could be that person for him,” Luke bites out, a scowl darkening his face. “His self-esteem always seemed to take a beating when dealing with Dan; I can’t imagine that was much different.”
God, what happened? What did Dan do to Nathan that could cause whatever Luke is working up to to happen? Suddenly, I’m not so sure I want to know.
”His sophomore year was pretty bad,” Luke goes on, and in spite of myself, I listen in rapt and uneasy fascination. “He had academic problems. Big enough ones that he was ruled ineligible for basketball for the last half of the season.” Oh, that must’ve killed him. “I heard Deb talking to my mom about that once that year. Nathan wouldn’t take her calls, but she found out he was kicked out of his apartment. She had co-signed for it, so they notified her, too. Noise and conduct violations, she said.”
Groaning, I cover my face with my hands. “Well,” I sigh, shrugging at Luke. “It’s too bad that all those things happened the way they did, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a part of my heart breaks for him, but I don’t get how those really factor into him thinking he should get back together with me.”
Luke cringes, prompting me to reflexively do the same. “He left school before the end of his junior year, Haley. He’d got his grades back up so he was on the team again, but - “ he cuts himself off abruptly, glancing up at me. “Ask him the rest. I only know the rumors, and I really don’t feel right repeating any of that since I don’t know what actually went down. That wouldn’t be fair. If you really want to know, ask him.”
With that, he stands abruptly and leaves the room, his footsteps echoing loudly on the stairs. What just happened? And what happened that he would refuse to tell me?