'Fate Averted' - Chapter Nine (Part One of Two)

[unwindingdreams]

Here it is, Chapter Nine. I'm not going to say anything about it because number one, there is nothing I could say that would change how you'll feel about it or if you even get it, and number two, it doesn't matter. So, read, let me know what you think if you like, and hey, maybe we can discuss it!

Chapter Nine - The Awareness

They’re outside this time, Lucas and Haley with a still-tiny Katie Lu toddling along in front of them as they walk along railroad tracks. The little girl stops every few feet, crouching down to look at something on the ground. Both Lucas and Haley are keeping a close eye on her, making sure she doesn’t find anything sharp or put anything in her mouth.

“Put that down, Lulu,” Luke tells her when she starts lifting a rock to her mouth, “That’s yuck. Put it down.”

Reluctantly, the little girl drops it, glaring up at Luke, causing Nathan to stifle a chuckle. “Mama,” the girl pouts pleadingly up at Haley.

“Put it down, Katie,” Haley agrees, smiling widely at her daughter.

“Bad mama,” Katie pouts, frowning up at both of them now. Luke covers his mouth to hide his smile, and Haley just rolls her eyes at her daughter. “Up!”

Obliging, Haley bends down and scoops the child up, hugging her tight. “Are you about ready to go home, munchkin? It’s almost nap time, isn’t it?”

“No,” Katie protests, shaking her head even as she yawns, “No naps!”

Haley shrugs, sighing. “Sorry, kiddo, but you’re a sleepyhead, and sleepyheads need their naps! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Uncle Luke gets his, too, okay?”

Katie grins at that. “Uncle Luke has to nap, too!”

Luke pretends to pout. “Well, Lulu, I guess that means you’re going to have share Mr. Bear with me, huh?”

“Okay, okay, don’t tease her,” Haley warns Luke, “She didn’t nap yesterday, and she woke up at five thirty this morning. It won’t go over well.”

Luke grimaces at that. “Yeah, okay, c’mere, Lu.” He holds his arms out, and she eagerly goes to him. “That’s my girl.”

Katie giggles at him, squirming to be let down. She takes off running away from them, and Haley goes to chase after her. “I need to get one of those leash things!” she calls over her shoulder to Luke, laughing all the way, “She’s so fast all of a sudden!” As she catches up to Katie, she hears the low and unmistakable reverberations of a train coming down the tracks towards them. She’s relieved Katie is already well away from there as she sits her down to retie her shoes. “You stay by Mommy, you hear?”

Katie nods, looking over Haley’s shoulder at towards Luke. “Uncle Luke!”

Haley glances behind her, eyes widening at the sight of Luke on the tracks, turned to face down the train. She doesn’t look surprised; no, it is just plain naked fear in her eyes. “Stay here, Katie!” she says harshly to the little girl, “Don’t you dare move. You sit here and you wait for Mommy!”

Katie nods, her eyes widening in fear now, too, and her lower lip trembling over being yelled at by her mother. She stays put, and Haley, as she jogs back to Luke, keeps glancing back to double check that the girl listened to her.

“Luke!” Haley yells to him, herself giving the tracks a wide berth as the train gets closer and the noise louder, “Get off of there!”

He looks over at her, waving a hand dismissively. “Just a minute!” he yells back, his gaze returning to the train.

Nathan glances at Keith, who is looking away, unable to watch the scene. Haley is bouncing on the balls of her feet, looking between Luke and Katie. She obviously doesn’t know what to do short of running up there, but she’s smart enough to know that she can’t risk that in front of Katie. “Luke, no, get down here now!” she screams again, sobbing, “You’re scaring me! You’re scaring Lulu!”

He doesn’t respond to her screams or cries, and in fact takes a step towards the train that is now in plain sight. Haley keeps yelling at him, and Katie is sitting on the rock still watching the scene with avid interest and naked fear in her eyes. With one last glance to ensure that Katie has stayed put, Haley sprints towards Luke. She grabs his arm, jerking on it, but he still stands there, completely mesmerized by the train barreling down on them.

“Lucas, please!” Haley half-yells, half-sobs, “Come on!” It really is as if he doesn’t hear her at all, Nathan realizes. “Luke, please don’t let me die in front of my daughter!”

With more strength than Nathan could’ve ever imagined her possessing, Haley manages to propel both of them off of the tracks as the train is less than ten yards from them. Somewhere in there, Luke snaps out of the daze and manages to roll them so that he lands beneath her, saving her most of the blow. As soon as they hit the ground, though, she pushes off of him, getting to her feet. She’s glaring, shaking with barely suppressed rage, and Nathan is positive that she has never been angrier in her life than she is right now at Lucas.

Luke gets up to move towards her, but she shakes her head, backing away from him. “Don’t you dare come near us,” she whispers, the sound harsh in the vacuum of silence left by the train’s departure, “Neither of us, don’t you even think about it.”

She whirls away from him, running over to Katie who has tears of her own running down her cheeks. “Mommy!” the tiny child cries, too young to understand what happened, but cognizant enough to know it was bad.

“Shh, sweetie, it’s okay, Mommy’s here, we’re okay.” She keeps repeating it like a mantra, like if she says it enough, it will be true. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”

Luke approaches them quietly, wounded when Haley denies Katie’s plea to go to Luke’s arms. “Hales, come on, it’s okay. There was no harm done.”

Haley snorts in disbelief. “I cannot believe the nerve of you, Lucas Eugene Scott! No harm? My child saw that, she saw you standing there, facing down a train! No harm? There is harm on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin!”

“I didn’t mean to scare either of you,” Luke promises, earnest as ever, “I’m sorry, Hales. You know I am. You know I love Lulu more than anyone on the planet, I’d never - I wouldn’t hurt her, you know that. And you, God, Hales, you’re my best friend. You’re my only friend. I’m sorry, honey, I’m sorry!”

“Sorry?” Haley half-shrieks, forgetful that Katie is still there, “Katie saw that Luke! She could’ve seen both of us smashed to bits by a fucking freight train barreling us over at forty miles an hour! That’s not what I want for my child, okay? God, how can you be so selfish?”

“Hales, I’m sorry,” he cries, pleading, “I would never hurt either of you! I love you two more than anyone else in the world.”

Haley glares at him, shielding Katie away from him. “I am so mad at you, Luke, so damn mad. This is my baby, my baby, and you would do that in front of her? What is wrong with you?”

”I don’t know,” he exclaims, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, “I don’t know. I can’t even remember - I don’t know, Hales.”

“I’m sorry, but I won’t do this. I won’t put Katie through this, this never knowing if you’re okay or not. If today might be the day that you snap and actually hurt yourself in a way that can’t just be fixed with stitches or aspirin. If you’re going to keep doing this, then you won’t see either of us anymore,” Haley says firmly.

Haley starts to calm down, rocking Katie in her arms. She ignores Luke, jerking away from him any time he reaches out to touch her, to touch either of them. Nathan’s heart is breaking for them both because in some way, he can see where they’re both coming from. He understands and respects Haley’s desire to keep Katie safe, away from danger, and knows that it isn’t safe or healthy for a baby to see things like this. And it isn’t fair that they love him, but don’t know that he’ll be okay. And Luke, he knows that Luke just hasn’t dealt with Keith’s death, that this is his manner of making sense of it. He doesn’t know how to stop it, and Nathan’s biggest problem is that he wouldn’t even if he did.

They stay out there, Luke and Haley just staring at each other, neither ready to bend on this yet. Katie falls asleep in Haley’s arms, and Lucas goes to get the stroller to put her in. “I am sorry,” he whispers, looking up at Haley pleadingly.

“Yeah, I know,” Haley agrees stiffly, still not ready to give in and get over it. “But Luke, you are doing this more and more now, and it’s scaring me. It scares your mom, too. I know that - okay, maybe I don’t know, but I sort of understand. And I want to help you!”

“How?” he whispers brokenly, “How can you help me when I’m not even sure what’s broken?”

“Oh, Luke,” she sighs, reaching out to take him in her arms, “You aren’t broken.” Her words unknowingly echo what Keith has said to Nathan throughout the course of this experience. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t lose you,” he swears to her, taking her face in his hands, “You and Lulu, you’re it for me. The only good things I’ve got. Please - please - don’t take that away from me, I need you both, so much.”

Haley stares at him, surprised. “I’m not trying to take anything away,” she tries to assure him, “I want what’s best for you, but I have to do what’s best for Katie. Please don’t make those be mutually exclusive again, okay?”

Luke rocks back on his feet, closing his eyes. “I didn’t mean to, Hales. I don’t know what came over me there, I really don’t.”

She stares hard at him, shaking her head. “You do this all the time. That motorcycle? The cliff diving in Hawaii with your basketball teammates? I don’t say anything very often, Luke, but this has to stop! You can’t be in my life, and more importantly, you can’t be in Katie’s life if this is how you’re going to live. It just won’t happen, I won’t let it.”

“Nothing bad is going to happen,” he scoffs, looking away as if even he realizes how stupid of a statement that is, “No one gets hurt, not seriously.”

Haley glares at him, turning away. “Well, don’t get hurt somewhere else then. I’m done. Out. This is it, if that’s how you’re going to live your life.”

“It’s me, Hales,” Luke counters, “Come on, you know I wouldn’t hurt you. There’s no one more important to me than you and Lu, I swear. I swear on Keith’s memory that’s true.”

She sighs, shifting her weight from foot to foot as she regards him carefully. “I know,” she nods, reaching up and laying a hand on his cheek, “I know that, Luke.”

“Don’t - don’t leave me, Hales. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he admits, and while a part of Nathan wishes he could think the scene was pathetic, he’s jealous that Luke is smart enough to do what he now wishes he’d done.

“I wouldn’t do that,” she promises him, wrapping her arms around him. “But Luke, you can’t put me in this position, you can’t scare me like that. I thought I was going to lose you up there. You weren’t even blinking!”

”I - I don’t remember, Hales,” he whispers despairingly, “It’s like that wasn’t even me up there. I don’t know how to describe.”

“I don’t want you to describe it!” she exclaims, “I want you to stop it! Stop trying to hurt yourself, Luke!”

He pulls away from her, his eyes simultaneously wounded and haunted. “How could you think that? It’s not about trying to hurt myself, Haley! It’s about trying to feel alive! Why can’t anyone get that?”

She looks up at him, sighing quietly. “I get it,” she counters, “You don’t have a monopoly on being numb, Luke. You’re just one of the jerks who puts yourself at risk to feel again. Not all of us have that luxury, you know?”

“Luxury?” he scoffs, incredulous, “You think I like this? You think this makes me feel better, good? It doesn’t, alright! I hate this, I hate that I have to push things as far as I can before I feel anything! I hate that nothing gets through, that all I’m ever able to feel is little glimmers of things, flashes of feelings.”

Haley’s eyes soften, and she reaches out to grab his hand, clasping it against her chest. “It’s okay, Luke,” she promises, her other hand cupping his cheek, “I know that isn’t true. You just ignore the normal, every day feelings and go after the big ones, that’s all.”

“Sometimes I wake up, and I’m sure that it will be the day.”

“The day that what?” Haley prods when he falls silent.

“The day I die.” He looks over at her, trying to gauge her reaction. “It’s morbid, I know it is, but I feel like I should anticipate it, like I should know it’s coming. It’s just this paranoia in me now.”

She fists her hand in his shirt, trying to compose herself before speaking. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“You have too much of your own stuff going on, Hales. First you were always worried about Nathan, and trying to get him to speak to you again, and now there’s Katie. This isn’t a burden you should have, Hales. This is mine, my issue, my burden.”

She sits back on her haunches, leaning away from him. “You know, you’d really think that after all these years, you’d trust that I’m here for you, in any way you need.” She fixes a glare on him. “Hell, I trust you, although I’m kind of questioning that right now.”

Luke looks up at her, tears brimming in his eyes. “Do you know what today is?”

“Yes, I do,” she says softly, “But that doesn’t give you the excuse to get smashed to pieces by a train, Luke.”

He nods brokenly. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just, everyday, I think about him. And then this one day, each year, it just hits home again, like I’m hearing that shot ring out again.”

Tears filling her eyes now, Haley manages a weak smile for him. “I hear it, too, Luke. I doubt that there’s anyone who was there that doesn’t.”

“Yeah?” he challenges, “What about Peyton? Did you know she’s ignored every letter I’ve sent, every call I’ve made? If anyone could understand it, wouldn’t you think maybe it would be her? But she won’t talk to me, won’t help me or let me help her.”

Haley sighs, grabbing his hands. “She’s in Italy now,” she points out, “Maybe she’s found her own way of coping. You can’t blame her for that.”

Luke nods tiredly. “I know that. I just wish - we were in there together, you know? I just wish we could have helped each other through it.”

“I’ll help you,” Haley offers, moving to sit next to him, leaning against him, “Who better than me, right? I’ve got the best friend thing down to a science.”

He throws his arm over her shoulder, pulling her to him. “Yeah, no one is better than you. Don’t think I ever don’t know it.”

She looks over at him, questions in her eyes. “Do you still love Peyton?”

He blinks, nonplussed. “I love her, but I’m not in love with her.” He shoots her the same appraising look. “What about you? Do you still love Nathan?”

She shrugs. “I don’t think I could stop even if I tried,” she admits, adding resolutely, “But it doesn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t good enough for him, and honestly, he’s not good enough for me. He never had the courtesy to return any of my calls.” She shakes her head, laughing mirthlessly to herself. “I called him the night Katie was born. I don’t really know why, you know? I guess I just wanted him to know that I was still hollow without him, that I hated he wasn’t there with me.”

“And he never called,” Luke sighs, pulling her closer, “He doesn’t know what he’s missing.” He laughs, and while it isn’t quite as hollow as Haley’s, it’s close. “I should be grateful to him, I guess. You and Katie are the best parts of my life. If he were still around, I wouldn’t get you two as much as I do now.”

Haley nods. “That’s probably true. And it’s one way in which I’m not sorry, Luke. You’ve been more than just my best friend. You’re, in all the ways that count, Katie’s father. And she’s so lucky for that - I’m lucky for that.”

He hugs her tight, fighting to keep his emotions under check. “Thank you,” he whispers emotionally, losing the battle.

“I should be the one thanking you,” she laughs, the sound muffled against his chest, “Where would we be without you? Just keep that in mind from now on - where would Haley and Katie be without you?”

He leans back to smile down at her. “You’d be just fine. You’re a survivor, Hales. And Katie is definitely a survivor, too. I might make things easier sometimes, and maybe I even make them a little better, but you’d be okay without me.”

She shrugs, rolling her eyes. “We don’t want to be ‘okay’ without you. We want to be great with you.”

”Thanks,” he murmurs again, “I want that, too.”

She grins, jumping up. “Okay, then! Let’s get out of here, this place is becoming vaguely disturbing.”

He pushes himself off the ground. When he’s standing, he grips her shoulders. “We’re okay, right? I mean, you know that you can trust me with Katie Lu, that I would never hurt her?”

She lays her hands over his. “I know you wouldn’t,” she agrees immediately, “But this can’t happen. I can’t let you take her places and worry that you’re parking on train tracks or walking on the edge of a cliff.”

“I won’t!” he promises fervently, “I’d never endanger her, I swear.”

“And you can’t endanger yourself when she’s around,” Haley states firmly, “God, you can’t do it period, but if you do it when she’s around again, when she is there to see it, I’ll kill you myself.”

He laughs at that, leaning and down and resting his forehead against hers. “Well, don’t worry, I won’t put you in that horrible position, even though it sounds like it wouldn’t be much of a problem for you.”

She stays in his arms, foreheads pressed together as she looks up at him. “You know what I mean. I’ll do anything to protect her. Just don’t put me in the position where I’m protecting her from you. That’s all I’m asking.”

He kisses her forehead as she moves closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I promise. I’d do anything to protect her, too, even if it’s from myself.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Luke, don’t go purposely getting the wrong idea here.”

“I know, I know,” he sighs, “But if you don’t trust me with her, I just want you to know that I won’t push it. I won’t fight you about it.”

“Luke, she’d be devastated if I told you to stop coming around,” Haley snaps, poking him hard enough in the ribs that he jerks away from her, scowling, “And I’d be devastated, too. We’ve both lost too much. I won’t let go of you, too.”

“Thanks,” he manages a small smile, reaching out and gripping the handle of Katie’s stroller, “You want to get out of here?”

She nods, linking her arm through his and picking up a bag of what Nathan presumes is Katie’s stuff. “Let’s go home. You can crash with us tonight. Katie would like that. So would I.”

At the mention of her name, Katie starts squawking at them, and Luke lifts her out of the stroller. He and Haley both kiss her on the cheek, and it strikes Nathan how much like a family they seem to be. Obviously, in some ways they are, but it’s just really noticeable to him in that moment.

Katie lays her head on Luke’s shoulder, two of her fingers in her mouth. She glares when Haley tries to pry them out, relaxing when her mother gives up the fight. The little girl looks up, catching Nathan’s gaze. He knows, despite the impossibility of it, that she’s looking right at him. She opens and closes her little hand, waving at him over Luke’s shoulder.

They start walking off, and since Keith stays, Nathan stays with him. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but he knows there was some sort of intangible shift in the relationship between Haley and Lucas. He might not know what it is, exactly, but he knows it makes him uncomfortable. Something is there, more than what had been before. And he gets it, gets where it is coming from, what it has been borne of, but that doesn’t mean he’s just going to be okay with it.

“Is that the first time Luke has ever talked about it?” Nathan asks, managing to set the other stuff aside for the moment.

Keith regards him in curious surprise momentarily before nodding. “They’ve tried, of course. Karen and Haley both. But that’s the first time that he’s ever really opened up about it,” he tells him, “It’s sort of a mini-breakthrough without therapy.”

“I’m glad,” Nathan chokes out, and even to his own ears, the words aren’t exactly dripping with sincerity, even though he means them.

“Nate,” Keith starts, but Nathan waves him off. “You don’t have to - “

“Yes, yes, I do,” Nathan cuts him off, “I have to see it all, I have to hear it all, and I have to know that whatever happens, the way I cut them out of my life, it changed things. Made it different not only for me, but for them.”

Keith blinks at him in bald-faced surprise. “That’s - surprisingly mature of you.”

Nathan snorts. “Yeah, well, it’s more than I’m feeling,” he admits, “But I know I have to see this, or it doesn’t happen, right?”

“Yeah, that is kind of how it works,” Keith agrees, “But we don’t have to talk about it, at least. The point of this isn’t to make things hard on you. It’s not to guilt you over choices you made when you were eighteen. That wouldn’t really be fair.”

“Isn’t it, though?” Nathan retorts snidely, “Especially with these two, I see how much I’m missing out on, how much they both could’ve used me in their lives, and I have to know that I hurt them. It doesn’t matter that they hurt me first because hey, let’s face it, I hurt them worst.”

“It isn’t an issue of ‘first’ or ‘worst’,” Keith denies, “And there’s no measuring that, anyway. It’s about learning from your mistakes, and hopefully helping them to avoid making the same ones all over again.”

“What if what you’re calling their mistakes aren’t really mistakes? What if I was never supposed to be a part of either of their lives?”

“If that were true, do you think we’d be here doing this?” Keith retorts smugly, “Come on, Nate! You, me, and the guys upstairs all know that the first priority you’ll have when you go back is to start making things right with Haley and Luke. We all know that’s what you regret more than anything. If that wasn’t supposed to happen, then none of this would be.”

Nathan nods, trying to accept that. Putting it out of his mind for a second, he weighs telling Keith about his suspicion that Katie can see him. Not having any other options, and not being able to brush it off, he tells him. “I think Katie can see me, Keith.”

Keith blinks at him once before bursting into laughter. “Good one, Nate. For a second, I thought you were serious about that.”

Nathan doesn’t say anything immediately, not wanting Keith to think he’s stupid (more than he already probably does) or crazy (again, more than he already probably does). “I’m not kidding, Keith! She seems me, I know she does!”

“Nate, she can’t see you!” Keith asserts firmly, “Look, it might seem like she’s looking at you, but they can’t see us. This isn’t something happening now. We’re not a part of this at all, you know?”

“I get that,” Nathan grounds out tersely, “I get that we aren’t real, blah blah whatever, but Keith, she looked at me! And she waved! And this isn’t the first time, either!”

Keith looks over at him sharply. “What do you mean, not the first time? What other time was there?”

“Right after she was born,” Nathan sighs, knowing that sounds even crazier in all this, “I was leaning over Luke’s shoulder watching her, and those bright blue eyes just held mine. I know how it sounds, but I’m not making this up.”

“Nate, I’m sorry, I wish I could believe you. Maybe you just wish it were true, I don’t know, but there’s no way.”

Knowing Keith isn’t going to believe him, Nathan nods. “We’ll just chalk it up to wishful thinking, I guess.”

“Good idea,” Keith agrees, breathing a sigh of relief. “Um, yeah, so next show?” Nathan nods, and Keith begins the process all over again. “Here we go then.”

To Nathan’s surprise, they’re back in front of Keith’s grave. It’s day, though, so he knows that this is for a different occasion. It’s definitely not where he was expecting to be.

“We’re…here.”

“Yeah, we’re here,” Keith nods, smiling wryly. “You’d think I was stuck here for all eternity, or something.”

“Nice, make jokes,” Nathan mutters, looking around in expectation, “Who are we supposed to be seeing here this time?”

“There,” Keith points, Luke and Haley ambling down the path, a now five or six-ish Katie trailing behind them.

“I - what are they doing here?” Nathan sputters out in surprise, “I never knew they visited! They - I thought they didn’t ever come back to Tree Hill!”

“You know what they say about the first three letters of assumption, don’t you?” Keith teases him.

Nathan glares at his uncle in irritation. “I just - I don’t know, I guess I thought they would’ve contacted me if they were here. At least Haley.”

Keith shrugs, not giving away what’s to come. “Maybe they did their best with what they have.”

Nathan nods, even though he isn’t convinced. “I guess. Why wouldn’t Luke call? I mean, I guess I can see where Haley more than him wouldn’t bother, after I never returned her call from the hospital, but I guess I always thought that Luke might want to say hi. Or something.”

Keith is about to say something, but Luke and Haley get within hearing distance. “Luke, if you aren’t ready to do this, we don’t have to,” Haley offers gently, grabbing his hand.

“No, I do,” Luke counters, “I mean, I want to, but it’s also something I have to do now. I’m ready, and it’s past time.”

“Okay,” she agrees, squeezing his hand. “Do you want me to grab Katie and wait, give you a little time?”

He looks at her gratefully. “Would you mind?”

“No, of course not. Just give a yell when you’re ready, okay?” He nods, and she stands on her tiptoes, kissing his cheek. “We’re here if you need us.”

“Thanks, Hales, you really are the best friend a guy could hope for. Even when you are being a pain in the ass.”

She grins cheekily at him. “Thanks, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

She heads back for Katie, taking her daughter by the hand and leading her off to a patch of empty grass, free of the gruesome headstones that somehow seemed creepier by day. Haley sits down, letting Katie run around and play. “Don’t go too far, Munchkin.”

“Okay, Mommy!”

Luke approaches Keith’s grave on his own, shaking his head at the ostentatious sight of the marble headstone. Nathan knew that he’d never liked it, but Dan had insisted, and he’d gotten Mae to back him. Of course, Dan got what he wanted. It was rare even now that he didn’t.

“Hey Uncle Keith,” Luke greets softly as he kneels down, his fingers sifting through the grass, “I haven’t been here in awhile, have I? It’s not that haven’t thought of you, because believe me, I think about you all the time. Maybe I haven’t been ready before now. And you know, I know it has taken me too long. Haley says it’s okay, but I don’t know. I should’ve come back here sooner, done this before now. I never said goodbye, and that was wrong.

“Maybe that’s why it’s been so hard,” he continues, “Maybe that’s why I’ve had such a hard time dealing with it, even with Mom and Haley and Katie.” His face breaks out into a wide grin. “You’d love Katie, Keith. She’s smart. Really smart. And adorable, just the greatest little kid you can imagine. And if I’m half as good to her as you were to me, then I think she’s really one very lucky girl.”

At those words, some of Nathan’s frustration and anger over Luke and Haley’s closeness dissipates. As much as it hurts to see, he’d rather they have it from Luke than from anyone else or from no one at all.

“Some days, I think that they are the only things that keep me sane. That’s probably horrible, right? Clinging to my best friend and her little girl as my salvation? Maybe that’s not something I should admit, huh? I wish I could help it, I wish that I was stronger. Like you. I wish I was like you, or at least someone you could respect.

“I’m trying now, though. Coming here, this was part of it. I have to make peace with the fact, and admit and understand that it wasn’t my fault. That there was nothing I could’ve done to change what happened that day. Rationally, maybe I’ve always known that was true, but somehow, rationale doesn’t always work, right?

“I was really stupid for a long time. Stupid to the point where, if you’d been here, you’d have been smacking sense into me big time. And you’d have been right - I needed it. Haley does it for me now, but it isn’t the same. She’s the first to say it, too.

“You’re her favorite card to play when I’ve really got my head up my ass,” he confides, “She knows it’ll hit home, and every time, it works. I haven’t needed to hear that in awhile now, but it’s always there. Her ace in the hole with me.”

Nathan looks over at Keith, noting the drawn expression on his face. He knows how badly he wants to say something to Lucas, to comfort and reassure him. To tell him that he’s proud of him, that he misses him, too. It must be killing him to stand idly by now and just observe the scene in front of them.

“Mom’s good,” Luke continues on, blithely unaware of his observation, “I know she still misses you like crazy, and I know that she lives a lot of her life asking ‘what if’. She copes, though, and she’s even found some nice men to date. It was harder for me at first, to see her moving on like that, in such a final way, but it’s been good for her. I think she’s happy, and I know that would make you happy.

“And I’m happy, too. My life isn’t what I expected it would be at sixteen or eighteen or even twenty-four, but it’s good. My best friend is there for me every day, and her daughter is like my daughter. I’m back in school. Haley talked me into law school, even though she won’t go to school herself. She pisses me off with that, but says it’s a ‘mother’ thing, and that I wouldn’t understand.”

Nathan has to bite back a chuckle at Luke’s perplexed countenance. It’s not like he understands it himself, but it’s sort of reassuring to see that Luke hasn’t figured out all the ways of women.

“Hey,” Haley calls softly from behind them, and Nathan turns to see her. He thinks it is weird how easy it has been to get used to seeing her again. Even these older versions of her, it’s been like slipping back in time, and there was nothing jarring or unexpected about it. It felt natural, right.

Not wanting to see Haley and Luke fall over themselves to comfort the other, Nathan turns around, surprised to see Katie there, looking straight at him. Curious, and a little unable to help himself, he walks towards her. She doesn’t look away from him, and the closer he gets, the more she has to crane her neck to keep her eyes on his.

“Are you my daddy?” she asks, looking up at him with an innocence that almost undoes him.

Panicking, he looks around wildly. He sees Keith, who is staring at them with his mouth open, apparently too stunned to move.

“Mister, I asked if you’re my daddy!” Katie snaps, interrupting his silent communication with Keith. She’s got her hands on her hips, and the glare she gives him is so reminiscent of her mother that he can’t stop staring at her in open-mouthed shock.

“I - I’m not your daddy,” he finally splutters out, feeling completely flustered and out of his element, “I’m not anyone’s daddy.”

She looks up at him, regarding him silently for a long moment. “Well, you should be mine.”

“I - what do you mean?” he asks, in spite of the frantic urge to be anywhere but there.

“You were supposed to be my daddy,” she announces with a surety that unnerves him in a way he would’ve thought impossible if his dead uncle hadn't been taking him on a magical journey through time and space at that very moment, “Why weren’t you?”

“Wh - why would you think that?”

She looks at him, frowning. “I dunno, you just were.”

“Do you know who I am?” he asks quietly, almost afraid to hear the answer. He doesn’t know if a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would upset him more at this point.

She thinks hard for a moment, her lips pursing just like Haley’s do when she concentrates hard, he notices. “No, I don’t. But I think you were supposed to be my daddy.”

Keith is there beside him now, and he kneels down. “Katie, are you sure you don’t know who he is?” he asks.

Katie continues to stare at Nathan, giving no indication she sees or hears Keith. Nathan gapes down at Keith, unsure what he’s supposed to do or say now.

“What are you looking at?” Katie asks curiously, “You look scared. I’m not a mean stranger, mister. I’m a nice stranger. And I don’t have any candy, either.”

Nathan lets out a strangled sound that is somewhere between choking and laughter. “I’m sure you are a good stranger,” he agrees, looking at Keith helplessly, “Um, maybe you should go over with your mommy, okay?”

“But I want to talk to you,” she says plainly, “You were supposed to be my daddy. Don’t you want to talk to me?”

Looking around wildly, Nathan shrugs. “I - I don’t know, what about that man with your mommy? Isn’t he like your daddy?”

She nods eagerly. “That’s my Uncle Luke. But he’s not my daddy. And I don’t think he’s supposed to be, either.”

“Holy - damn,” Keith mutters, “This is not supposed to happen, she is not supposed to see you! How, how, can she see you?”

Nathan just shakes his head. “Katie, how long have you seen me?”

“Since you were watching Uncle Luke talk to Uncle Keith. Do you know Uncle Luke? Oh, did you know Uncle Keith? Mommy and Luke are always so sad when they talk about Uncle Keith, but I never metted him, so I don’t really know.” She grins. “Mommy says he would’ve liked me.”

“I’m sure he would’ve,” Nathan agrees hoarsely, sparing a glance at Keith who looks as undone as Nathan feels, “But you should go back over to them now. And maybe you shouldn’t, ah, tell them about this.”

She frowns, trying to work through that suggestion. “Why not? One time I lied about leaving crayons in my pockets of my favorite blue jeans, even though Mommy told me to check, and she got really mad a'cuz they melted in the dryer. I’m not supposed to lie.”

Nathan nods in agreement. “I know, lying is bad, you’re right. But sometimes telling the truth is worse, and I think this is one of those times it would be worse.” He looks to Keith, who motions fervently for him to go on with this suggestion. “Maybe this should be our little secret.”

She still looks skeptical, but she nods slowly. “I won’t tell, but I don’t know why. If you’re supposed to be my daddy, then you can come live with me and Mommy now. And then Uncle Luke can visit us just like he does now! Oh, please, oh, please!”

”I’m not your daddy, Katie,” he says softly, kneeling down beside Keith, “I - I’m sorry, but I can’t be that person for you, kiddo.”

Tears well up in her big blue eyes as she stares him. “But I know you’re supposed to be my daddy, I know it!”

“Katie!” Haley calls. Nathan twists so fast that he falls on his ass. Haley looks completely confused and, Nathan’s sorry to see, more than a little worried, too. “What are you doing, Munchkin? Who are you talking to?”

“I’m talking to my daddy!” she exclaims, glaring down at Nathan, “But he doesn’t want to be my daddy, so I still have no daddy!”

Haley stops in her tracks, her jaw dropping open in shock. “Kate, sweetie, there’s nobody here. Are you playing a game?”

“No! Mommy, he’s right there!” she insists, pointing at Nathan. Her finger actually touches him, and he jumps at the contact prompting her to jump. When she jumps, Haley runs over to her daughter, kneeling right smack in the middle of him. “Mommy, you’re in him, you’re in the middle of him!”

Nathan moves away from them, nearly tripping over Keith as he does so. It isn’t the first time in all of this that someone has gone ‘through’ him, but it’s Haley this time, and it’s different. It’s like he can feel her, like she’s there inside him. Or that she’s awakening something in him. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but he feels her.

Haley freezes as he moves away, looking nonplussed for a second. “Baby, there’s no one here. Just you and me. And Luke is over at his uncle’s grave.”

“I know!” Katie yells, starting to cry, “I know where Luke is! But Mommy, Daddy is right there, but he says he isn’t my daddy! I know he was supposed to be my daddy, though! He has black hair and blue eyes! My eyes are blue!”

“Katie,” Haley tries to soothe her, a hint of panic creeping into her voice, “You know that your father doesn’t have blue eyes, kiddo. Remember when we talked about him?”

“No, that man wasn’t supposed to be my daddy!” Katie goes on stubbornly, staring at Nathan with a pleading look in her eye, “He’s supposed to be my daddy! I know he was!”

Haley grips Katie by the shoulders, turning her to face her. “Katie, shh, it’s okay. I know that it isn’t fair that your father wasn’t ready to be a dad, babe. I know that. And I’m so sorry, I wish it was different. But honey, you don’t have to - “

“I’m not making it up!” Katie screams. Haley stares at her in disbelief, and Nathan and Keith both look at each other like they wish the ground would open up and swallow them whole. Lucas comes running over, dropping to his knees on the ground beside them when he gets there.

”What’s going on?” he asks frantically, “Are you okay? Who’s hurt?”

Haley shakes her head at him helplessly, silent tears coursing down her cheeks. “No one is hurt,” she whispers, reaching out to hold onto him, “She - she says she sees her father.”

“No! Not my father, my daddy! The man who was supposed to be my daddy! That’s not the same thing!”

“Okay, okay,” Haley sighs, holding her hands up in defeat, “I’m not sure I understand the difference, baby.”

“She sees him?” Luke whispers at Haley, who shrugs helplessly in response.

“He’s right there!” Katie says again, “He was supposed to be my daddy, Mommy! He says he isn’t, but I know he was supposed to be! I just know it!”

“Lulu, what - what does he look like?” Luke asks, shrugging when Haley glares at him.

“He’s tall, I know ‘cuz he was standing up! And he has black hair and blue eyes.” She frowns, looking over at Nathan. “And he kinda looks old, ‘cuz he has crinklies around his eyes, but not real old like Grandpa and Grandma.”

Luke shrugs at Haley, and Nathan’s heart falls a little that they don’t connect Katie’s mystery father with him. Why would they, of course, but still.

“There’s no one here, Lulu,” Luke says softly, gently, and the little girl loops her arms around his neck, “I’m sorry, kiddo, but we can’t see him. Is he maybe a daddy you pretend with because you’re sad you don’t have one?”

Haley barely manages to stifle her gasp at the question, fresh tears filling her eyes. “It’s okay if it is, baby,” she chokes out, reaching a hand out to brush over the girl’s long, curly hair.

Katie rears away from them, shaking her head and pointing to Nathan. “No! He’s right there! What’s your name, mister? Tell me your name!”

Nathan shakes his head, moving away. “I told you not to tell them!” he mutters futilely, no other - better - words springing to mind, “You shouldn’t have said anything.”

That just sets Katie’s chin quivering as she looks back at Haley and Luke. She goes to Luke, looking over at Nathan again. “I hate you! I hate you for not being my daddy, I hate you for hiding from Mommy and Luke, I hate you!”

Nathan cringes, hating himself for hurting the girl, however unintentionally. Haley and Luke both have their arms around her now, and they both look equal parts stricken and afraid. Nathan clambers to his feet, backing away from the scene. Keith follows him closely, his mouth opening and shutting as if he has a million things to say, but can’t find the words.

“What the hell was that?” Nathan finally snaps when they’re far enough away that Katie won’t hear him shouting, “She wasn’t supposed to see me! You said they couldn’t see me, Keith! What was that?”

Keith shakes his head helplessly. “I - I don’t know, Nate! I wish I did, but that - that’s not something that I’ve ever heard of happening!”

“Well, what did you do? Did you mess this up? God, I just scarred that kid for life! Haley’s kid, I’m not even the father, and I still found a way to screw up for all eternity!” He buries his face in his hands. “Oh, what have I done?”

“Not you, me,” Keith insists, shaking his head still. “I - I’m not sure how, but I must’ve screwed it up. She shouldn’t be able to see you! This doesn’t make any sense at all!”

“Well, she did!” Nathan explodes, “She saw me, and I traumatized her! And why does she think I should be her father, huh? What’s that all about? ‘Supposed to be her father’, this is just freaky, Keith. I don’t think I like this anymore!”

“Me either,” Keith mutters under his breath, careful not to freak Nathan out by letting him hear that, “We’ll figure this out. There’s got to be something we - it just doesn’t make sense!”

“You keep saying that, but it doesn’t seem to be changing anything!” Nathan points out shakily, really hit hard by the tears that were flowing between Haley, Luke, and Katie. He feels awful for his part in this, even if it was so obviously unintentional on all their parts.

“We can’t - oh, God, we changed - we changed their future! This changes things. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, this is - oh, no, oh, no, my first time out, and I screw it up!” Keith moans, “And I screw it up for people I love. I am the worst angel ever!”

“I thought you weren’t an angel!” Nathan bursts out with, panic seizing his mind, leaving the free scraps to catch the most inconsequential of things.

“Now is not the time for spiritual questions,” Keith grits out, his eyes squeezed tightly shut as he tries to figure out what he’s done and how he can possibly slash hopefully undo it.

Nathan looks over at Keith, tears brimming in his eyes. “We have to fix her, Keith. I can’t have broken Haley’s daughter. Luke’s niece. They - I can’t hurt them again, not either of them. And Katie, she’s so sweet and they love her so much, I can’t have - please, we have to fix this. Tell me what I have to do.”

“We’ll fix it, Nate,” Keith assures him, “I promise. We won’t leave her like this, we couldn’t. It would be cruel.”

“They think she’s crazy,” Nathan moans, “God, could you imagine your family, your parents thinking you were crazy? She’s just a baby, what’s she supposed to do with that?”

Keith shakes his head. “She’ll be okay either way, Nate. But listen, it’s Haley and Luke, and she’s a kid. They probably are thinking she’s got a terribly overactive imagination, and that she’s conjured up some Dad because kids at school were talking about dads.” Nathan’s face falls a little at that. “Look, I know it isn’t ideal, but trust me, this isn’t going to change what either of them think of her. That’s just the beauty of a parent. Well, most parents. Not parents like Dan.”

Nathan nods jerkily, trying to calm himself. He knows Keith is right, that the right parents make a world of a difference, and Luke and Haley would clearly do anything for Katie. It still doesn’t make it okay, though, that he scared and hurt the girl like that. He’d do anything to take it back, to have this time here in the graveyard back to hide out of sight.

“Let’s get out of here, Nathan,” Keith suggests, the hazy mist thickening around them. “There’s nothing else I can do right now, and maybe it is better we know for sure she doesn’t see you again.”

He winces at the last words, but nods his agreement, and then they are in a different time and place, and somehow, he feels better immediately. Haley and Luke are there, sitting on the couch together watching TV.

Continue to Part Two.