Fate Averted - Chapter Eight
Well, it's been a little while, but hopefully you all are still with me on this story. :)
This part was a little hard to write in some ways. The first part more than the rest, because while panic and desperation are really ingrained in this version of Nathan, it's still hard to write this bad, you know?
Anyway, thanks for feeding me back. And thanks for the birthday wishes last post. You guys all get warm fuzzies from me!
And don't forget:
There are still NINE full days left on the challenge, more than enough time to throw something fun and warm and summery and maybe water-filled together!
Chapter Eight:
Nathan stays sitting on the cool, damp ground for a few minutes, trying to figure out what happened. He finally pushes himself to his feet, looking around in a mild panic. “Keith? Keith! Where are you?” He can hear the hysteria and fear slipping into his voice, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is for Keith to come back, to talk to him, to let him explain.
Words were never really Nathan’s strong suit. Oh, he could find the right ones when he really had to, like when he wanted to get a girl into his bed, but for the most part, he had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the very wrong time. He wanted to take the words back, explain to Keith what he meant to say, let him know that he wasn’t trying to disparage Luke. That he knows he was doing the best he could with what he had, with the crushing grief that Nathan knew his brother carried with him.
“Shit,” Nathan mutters to himself, running his hands over his face tiredly. He’s unsurprised to find the dampness on his cheeks, the emotions of all of this hitting him hard once again. “I’m not crazy, he was here, I saw things, he was here, I’m not crazy,” he begins repeating to himself, his feared loss of sanity back with him again, bigger and badder than ever.
Someone behind him clears his throat, and he turns to find Keith there, a guilty expression on his face. “You aren’t crazy. I’m just being oversensitive and a jerk.”
After taking one more staggering step, Nathan bends down, resting his forearms on his legs. “I’m sorry, Keith. I didn’t mean to - “
“Stop, you don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong, Nate.”
Nathan shakes his head, emitting a bitter laugh. “Obviously that isn’t quite the case, is it? You took off, just left. I don’t deserve this, I know that. It was too good to be true, right? Just sucks that you had to cut me off before I could see her again.”
Keith hangs his head, sighing. “You do deserve it, Nate. You deserve your chance to prove Fate wrong, to make something better, something meaningful for yourself.”
“Do I?” Nathan bites out, his eyes blurred with the tears clinging to his lashes, “I’m not so sure I do. I mean, what have I done that would say I should have this chance over someone else. What have I done but be a jerk this whole time?”
“I’m sorry, Nate, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You should know that seeing them again, Lucas and Karen, it just thrust me back and I got weird. See, even us heavenly types aren’t infallible,” he tries to joke.
“If this is some weird kind of Karmic retribution where you show me all this, but I don’t really get the do-over, okay, I get it. I get that I’m an ass, I get that I screw everything up. Just, can’t we just end it now if that’s the case?”
Keith rolls his eyes, cuffing the younger man on the back of the head. “Stand up straight, Nate. She won’t be able to see you, but you should at least try and look moderately presentable for your ex-wife, don’t you think?”
Nathan straightens up instinctively, his mind sort of shorting out at the mention of Haley. Keith feels a pang of guilt at the look of naked longing etched Nathan’s face, and though he wants to spare him, this is all a part of the process. To borrow a phrase, the show must go on.
“We aren’t arguing over this,” Keith states with finality, “You’re doing this, and you’re going to do it right. I believe that. I believe in you.”
Nathan’s sharp intake of breath drives home to both men the fact these are words that he has not heard recently, or indeed often, in his life. In fact, the words are so foreign to him that they actually feel like a sucker punch to the gut. Hearing the words simultaneously spreads a warmth through him that is chased by an icy chill. It instills him with a fleeting sense of confidence before the fear of failure fills him with doubt. The dichotomy of it all sets his head to pounding; of course, that could be the gin withdrawals.
“You know you might be crazy for believing that, right?” Nathan asks tiredly, feeling more overwhelmed now than he perhaps did even in the beginning of all this.
“No, crazy is me being a jerk about any of this,” Keith smiles good-naturedly, “I know this is just as hard and overwhelming for you, if not harder, and you don’t deserve to have me treat you like that.”
Nathan shifts uncomfortably, never having been good at accepting apologies from people. “Like I said, it’s fine. You were right, who am I to judge, right?”
“Who are any of us to judge?” Keith throws back at him, “Including me.”
“I don’t know, you got that whole heavenly vibe going for you,” Nathan grins, breaking out of the melancholy the last few minutes had surrounded him with, “You of all people might be able to get away with it.”
“True,” Keith nods, smirking, “A guy has to have something going for him, right?”
“You’d think so,” Nathan sighs, looking around the dark cemetery. “This whole thing is getting rough,” he admits.
Keith nods. “It kind of has to be, Nate. This isn’t a small decision, and it doesn’t deserve to be taken lightly. And therefore, you have to see the tough stuff and deal with that. Instant difficulty.”
“Yeah,” Nathan sighs, “I just - I guess I’m ready to be done with this.”
A knowing grin slides onto Keith’s face. “You mean you’re ready to see Haley, right?”
“That’s part of it,” Nathan admits, running a hand through his hair nervously, “But it isn’t all of it. I’m scared, too. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I have to see a bunch of tragedies play out in her life.”
“What if it is all triumphs? Can you imagine seeing that?”
Nathan wants to bristle at the question, but he can see that it really is just curiosity on Keith’s part, not an insinuation of anything more. “I hope so,” he finally answers honestly, “I don’t want to be the guy that resents someone for being happy or for finding love. Right here and now, I feel like I want the best for her. How I’ll react seeing things either way, I don’t really know.”
“Honesty,” Keith grins, “I can dig that.”
Nathan gives him a strange look. “And I can dig you not saying that again.”
“The classics never die, Nate,” Keith laughs, “That includes the classic sayings, even.”
“Whatever.”
“Hey,” Keith protests, “I speak the truth, kid.”
“Sure you do, old man,” Nathan snickers, pushing himself to his feet. “So can we forget what I said about not being sure if I wanted to do this? Because I think I’m ready to see the last couple of things and make a decision.”
“Which way you leaning?” Keith asks casually as he moves his hand through the mist slowly, Nathan’s heart clenching in nervousness as the silvery sparks begin to do their thing.
“I don’t know,” Nathan sighs, “It seems like the right thing to do would be to take it, but I want to see it all first.”
And Keith knows in that instant that for Nathan, everything comes down to how he deems Haley’s life. If she’s happy, he knows he won’t have the capacity to take that away from her, and if she’s miserable, then there won’t be any hesitation about taking the do-over. Keith can only hope that Nathan’s eyes are open to the big picture, and that he can correctly judge Haley’s views on her life despite how things seem at first glance.
In the blink of an eye, they’re out of the graveyard and into what Nathan automatically deduces to be the backstage area of a large club or theater. “She’s singing?”
“At this point, yeah, she is,” Keith answers.
“Oh,” Nathan says quietly, “She - she must not have - I never heard anything about her. I checked, you know?” Keith refrains from admitting that he does know, and that is one of the reasons Nathan was deemed worthy of this whole thing. “I thought she must’ve decided that music wasn’t for her since I never could find any information on her music.”
“Life is funny sometimes,” Keith shrugs, his oblique answers beginning - or continuing - to frustrate Nathan.
“Where is she?” Nathan asks, anxiety present in his voice. “I - is she here, I don’t see her yet!”
“Chill, Romeo, she’ll be here,” Keith counsels, “It’s not like this is a date she can break, being that it happened ten years ago and we’re just seeing the made for TV version of it.”
Nathan nods jerkily. “Ten years? God, that seems like a lifetime ago,” he laughs shakily.
“For me, too,” Keith agrees, “And my concept of time is just a wee bit skewed.”
An unmarked door near them flies open, and Nathan’s eyes widen when Haley comes storming out. But all the hopes that had risen at the sight of her vanished into the mist as Chris damn Keller comes trotting out after her. Keith watches his nephew warily, not unaware that Nathan could blow at anytime over this, which would in turn blow the whole point of this thing.
“Haley, wait,” Chris calls after her, grinning in relief when she turns to face him. “Come on, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“You called me pathetic,” she hisses, “That didn’t hurt my feelings, it pissed me off!”
“Potato, potahto,” he shrugs, “Look, I am sorry. I just - you’re hurting, and since you are my friend - or were until five minutes ago - I don’t like that. I’m worried about you.”
“Well, don’t,” she snaps, “I’m not your girlfriend, I’m not your mother, I’m not your sister - I’m just your backup singer, and you have no emotional responsibility towards me whatsoever. So don’t think you owe me life advice or any form of concern, okay?”
Chris stares at her, unsure what to say. Keith is relieved to see that Nathan’s demeanor has softened some once Haley’s hostility towards Chris became apparent.
“I’m sorry, Haley. I know you think this is some sort of penance, this born-again virgin saving yourself for your husband thing, but the guy who doesn’t take your calls or respond to your letters or emails, he probably doesn’t care what kind of penance your doing, you know?”
She glares at him, shaking her head angrily before spinning on her heel and storming off down the hall without looking back. Nathan starts to follow after her, already having had more than his fill of Keller.
“Hey, Haley!” Chris yells after her, and Nathan reluctantly turns around to look at him, “Despite what you think, I do care about you and I’ve always been sorry that brickhead ex of yours couldn’t figure things out. But I think you’re making a mistake waiting for him! You’ve put everything - college, friends, your life - on hold for him, and he doesn’t even care. It’s a mistake. Just for what it’s worth.”
Nathan turns back towards Haley, unsurprised to see that she has stopped. She turns slowly back towards Chris, her eyes glowing with anger and unshed tears. “Guess what? It’s not worth anything.”
She leaves right away, and Nathan watches Chris shake his head in resignation, disappearing back into the room that he and Haley had come out of. He leaves to follow Haley down the hall, Keith at his elbow as he makes his way outside.
Haley is sitting there on some steps off one of the fire escapes. She’s pulled her sweater tight around her, but Nathan can’t help but think she’s never looked smaller, or more fragile. She looks vulnerable now, as if life had got the better of her.
“Why didn’t she go to college?” Nathan asks, “She was going to. Stanford, she was supposed to go to Stanford and become this great pediatrician. She was going to work at a community health center after she graduated so that the government would forgive all her loans, and she’d feel like she was making a difference. What happened to Stanford?”
“Life happens sometimes,” Keith shrugs, “She told you once that Stanford wouldn’t matter without you, right? She meant it.”
“Because of me,” Nathan repeats dully, the insidious grief closing in around him, “Because of me?”
“Not because of you,” Keith corrects, “No one but Haley is responsible for Haley’s life. Just like you made your choices, she’s made hers. And you both influenced the other, but ultimately, the choices were your own.”
Nathan nods his acknowledgement, but he still feels sick at the thought of Haley giving up her dreams for him. Giving up anything for him. He was sure that if she could see him now, see who he was at thirty, she’d react a little differently.
Haley pulls out her phone, rapidly dialing a number. She drums her fingers on the ground beside her as she waits for the other end to pick up. Nathan watches as she begins to frown, hanging up before quickly dialing again.
By the time she hangs up for the second time, her breathing is quick and harsh, and her fingers are shaking. She dials again, this time standing up and pacing back and forth rapidly, waiting - always waiting - for an answer.
“Oh, Luke! Thank God! Have you tried calling Nathan lately? I was trying to call him just now, and it says his number has been disconnected!” she rushes out all in one breath, “I need to talk to him, Luke! Does he have a new number? What’s going on, do you think he’s okay?”
She stops pacing when she stops talking, waiting for his answer. Nathan watches in dismay as her face crumples, and he’s struck with the urge to go to her, to dry her tears and make things better for her. But he’s ten years too late and the necessary afterlife credentials short to do anything about at the moment. She looks so lost, which is perhaps the most disconcerting of all. She’d always been one of the most put together people Nathan knew, even when she’d literally beg him to give her another chance.
“You - you didn’t know?” she whispers, her voice breaking on a sob, “So he just doesn’t want to - oh, I see.”
Nathan’s heart clenches violently as realization sweeps over her, and for a second, he wants to curse Keith for being cruel enough to throw this most heinous of acts in his face. She sits back down on the step, brushing a weary hand through her hair.
“I can’t believe he changed his number,” she whispers, the sound tugging at Nathan to the point where he actually moves closer to her, sitting on the step next to her. When he tries to reach out to her, he ends up only reaching through her. “He hates me that much, Luke. God, what am I supposed to do?”
She listens to him for a minute, shaking her head at his words. “I can’t do that, I don’t know how.” She laughs bitterly, again shaking her head. “He’s the only man I’ve ever dated! The only man I’ve ever loved.” She leans forward as she listens to Luke, rocking back and forth a little. “Why can’t he see how sorry I am? Why doesn’t he care that I’d do anything for him, anything to have him back?”
She nods along with whatever Luke is saying, and Nathan stares desperately at Keith, who won’t look back at him. Almost as much as Nathan, Keith feels this one. He watched Haley grow up with Luke, and seeing her like this is as hard as any of the others for him.
The door creaks open behind them, and Chris comes out, his hands up in surrender. He mouths ‘I’m sorry’ to her, and she rolls her eyes, but motions that it’s okay for him to sit down beside her.
“Thanks, Luke. I - I’m sorry to do this to you again. I guess you’re just the only one who kind of understands how this thing with him works.” She sighs, trying to get herself under control now that Chris is out there - no need to have witnesses to the breakdown. “I’ll try. I - I know you’re right, but maybe I’m not ready to give up yet.” Another pause. “Bye Luke, I love you.”
When she hangs up the phone, she pauses for a second before looking over at Chris expectantly. “So what? Come to rub it in?”
“Rub what in?” he asks quietly, “What happened?”
“Nathan changed his number. I can’t even leave messages for him anymore,” she mutters bitterly, tearfully. “He hates me so much that he won’t take anything from me!”
“I - I’m sorry,” Chris mumbles, clearly nonplussed by the news, “Haley, I’m sorry. I never thought he’d do that to you.”
“Yeah, you and me both.”
“Maybe it’s time to go see him,” he suggests gently, “We’re down in Charlotte next week. Maybe you could rent a car and take a couple of days off.”
She looks over at him, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, because that would go over so well, right?”
“You need closure,” he argues, shrugging, “One way or the other. Look, I think we all know you won’t move on until you see him, talk to him, right?”
”I have to,” she says softly, “God, I’m a stalker, Chris. I stalk him, call all the time, emails, letters. I’m a crazy stalker!”
He snickers softly, shaking his head. “When you start hanging out outside his house at night with your binoculars and a vibrator, then we’ll call you a stalker.”
“Chris!” she exclaims, hitting him on the arm, “God, shut up!”
He grins. “Made you smile.”
She nods, smiling at him again. “Yeah, you did. Thanks.”
“I know I’m not Luke or whatever his name is, but come on, you have to admit, I’m not that bad of a friend. Okay, okay, there was that whole thing where I had a hand in breaking up your marriage, but other than that, have I not been nothing but a stand up friend?”
Nathan hopes for her to hit him, wishes that she’d tell him to get lost, that he means nothing and he can’t change that. She just smiles blandly at him, though, reaching out and through Nathan to pat him on the arm. “You aren’t perfect, Keller, but you aren’t a bad friend.”
“Damn straight,” he crows proudly. Standing up, he holds his hands out to her. “So friend, what do you say we join the party? You know, Rick keeps asking about you.” He drawls out Rick in the girliest way Nathan has ever heard. “Maybe you should talk to him tonight.”
She shrugs, nodding. “Well, maybe I will. It’s just - it’s not that easy, you know?”
“Maybe just for tonight you could pretend that it is,” he suggests, “Just pretend, for one night, that everything is okay and have fun.”
She smiles at him, but it is watery and tremulous. “I’ll try. I don’t think I know how, but I can try.”
“You pretend everyday,” he tells her, “Everyday you get out of bed and pretend things are at least okay enough for you to keep breathing, keep moving. What’s adding one more thing when you’re already a pro at those?”
“Are you calling me a faker?” she asks wearily.
“Oh, no, I’m calling you the Queen of Fakers,” he grins, reaching through Nathan to pat her on the shoulder, “You’ve perfected pretending to be okay in a way that has to be unprecedented. You can do a little more.”
She looks over at him, through Nathan, which somehow pierces his heart. “Nathan is supposed to be The One. The only one. I - I can’t imagine being with anyone besides him.”
He nods, in Nathan’s estimation trying but failing to look sympathetic. “Hey, it’s your choice. I’m just offering up a different point of view, okay?”
“Yeah, I know,” she sighs, “And thanks. I mean, for not writing me off as the biggest bitch in the world.”
“That was hard,” he teases, “But you’ve been cool. The only person around here who ever puts me in my place. I like that about you, James. It’s refreshing that you don’t take my crap.”
“You don’t give me as much crap as the other girls,” she reasons, “So I don’t have as much to take.”
“It’s daunting to give crap to a girl that’s hit you for calling her ex an asshole,” he points out, “I have to watch my step around you!”
Haley laughs softly with him, but Nathan can tell her heart still isn’t in it. “You should go back in,” she says to Chris, “I want to be by myself for a few minutes.” He opens his mouth to argue, but she waves him off. “Just a few,” she promises, “I’ll be in after that, and I promise to stay for most of the party.”
Nodding, he musses up her hair and then walks back in, not saying or doing anything else. Haley is obviously relieved when she’s alone, dropping her head into her hands, crying. She sits there quietly, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs, Nathan sits beside her, letting himself really drink her in. She looks just like she did the last time he saw her, all kinds of vulnerable and sad and scared. It hurts to think that two years after she left Tree Hill, he was still hurting her just as badly as he had before she left. Of course, he knew how deep wounds could run; the ones she inflicted on him seemed just as deep as hers do now.
He logically knows that two rights don’t make a wrong, but he can also admit that even as a man of thirty, a man who has spent the majority of his life alone and unloved, there is a gladness in him to see that their suffering has been something of equal. Keith would probably give him a funny look over that, taking him to task for that train of thought. Maybe he’d deserve it, regardless of how even it made things between him and Haley in his eyes.
It just breaks him to see her here like this. To see the sadness on her face, the absence of light in her eyes was crushing. Knowing that he played a very large role in those things, that made him want to hurl himself off a bridge. Never having seen the ramifications of his actions towards her before, he’d never realized how personally devastating it was to hurt someone you loved as much as he loves Haley.
And he does - it’s so obvious to him now, seeing her, that he still loves her. And he wonders at that, wonders at the impossibility of loving someone you haven’t seen or talked to in over twelve years. It doesn’t make sense to him that he could still feel this strongly about her.
It’s there, though, staring him in the face now. He wants to hold her, kiss her, make them both forget that they’d ever been separated. Promise that they never would be again.
“We have to go, Nate,” Keith sighs, not wanting to pull him out of this, knowing how much it means to his nephew, “We’ll see her again.”
Nathan nods, brushing away tears he hadn’t realized he was shedding. “Yeah, okay, I’m ready to go.”
“This, ah, this next one, don’t freak out, okay?” Keith tries to warn him, “I’ll explain right away, just don’t yell.”
Nathan raises an eyebrow at him. “Don’t ‘yell’? Just what the hell is going on? Maybe you should explain it to me now, Keith.”
“You have to see it,” Keith sighs, fighting a groan, “I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, if I could prepare you for this, I would, but it’s the rule thing.”
Biting back an angry retort, Nathan nods tersely, looking at the ground as Keith does his misty thing, and in the blink of an eye, he is suddenly staring at white industrial tiles rather than the concrete steps he was sitting on. Looking up, it doesn’t take long to assess that they’re in a hospital somewhere, and Nathan feels the bile rise along with the panic at the idea that Haley is hurt or sick in here.
“She’s not sick or hurt,” Keith says, seeking to reassure Nathan upon seeing the stricken look on his face. “She is a patient here, but she’s not sick or hurt, Nate.”
Nathan digests that, trying to decipher the information that Keith is giving him. His mind goes to other places, darker places, and the worry is replaced by a stark sense of terror at the train of thought. He remembers how broke she seemed when they last saw her, and while he doesn’t know how much time has elapsed, he wonders if she broke completely after that night.
“Why is she here?” he asks Keith in a breathless voice. “When is this?”
“This is a little over nine months after you disconnected your phone,” Keith tells him, his eyes lighting up when Lucas and Karen come hurrying down the hall. Lucas looks worried and vaguely discomfited, but Karen has a wide, happy smile on her face.
“She must not be too sick,” Nathan remarks, taking in the lack of fear in Karen and Lucas, “Is she okay? Why is she in here?”
“I’m going to give that dumbass a big piece of my mind,” Lucas’s voice breaks in, snapping Nathan out of his line of questioning, “I - I can’t believe this. God, what is she thinking?”
“Lucas, knock it off,” Karen insists quietly, “Don’t you dare do anything to upset her now. You know how hard this whole thing has been on her, and I refuse to let you make anything worse than it already is.”
“Ha, so at least you’re finally admitting it is ‘worse’,” Luke mumbles, “Come on, Mom, you know I’m just worried for her. This is just - she’s had such a bad time of this, and who knows what he’ll do to her in the future. He’s made it bad enough for her already, I don’t know why she even tries anymore.”
“This is her room,” Karen announces, “You will not say anything that might be construed as even the tiniest bit negative, do you understand me? You will be a pleasant, kind best friend, and you will support her in any way she needs.”
“Yeah, Mom, that goes without saying,” he agrees immediately, and they open the door to go in.
And Nathan doesn’t know why - if it’s the combination of the presents that Karen and Luke are carrying with the sounds of this particular floor that he just seems to be registering, but it finally hits him where they are, why Haley’s here.
“She’s - “ he cuts himself off as Luke and Karen step into the room, and he gets a clear view of Haley, as he’d realized, sitting on the edge of the bed, hours or so post giving birth. There is even a small bassinet placed near her bed, empty, as Karen has already scooped the pink-clad child into her arms. “Oh, God. I think I’m going to be sick.”
Keith throws a sharp glare his way, telling him without words to buck up and not be an ass, as he promised. “Just watch, Nate. This isn’t easy for any of them, either.”
“Honey, how are you?” Karen asks Haley, beaming down at the baby, “Oh, my goodness, she’s gorgeous, just like her mommy.”
Haley manages a tired smile for Karen as she reaches up to hug Lucas, holding onto him a second longer than Nathan would consider normal. “I don’t know about that, but she’s not too shabby, right?”
“She’s cute, Hales,” Luke agrees immediately, peeking over Karen’s shoulder for a look at the quiet child, “She’s really red, but cute. We’ll make a baller of her.”
Haley glares at him, her face softening into a wistful expression as her mind goes elsewhere. “Well, I doubt that will be a good idea.”
“So, has the Jerk been around yet?” Lucas changes the subject snippily.
“Lucas Eugene Scott!” Karen gasps, tearing her gaze away from the baby to glare at him.
Luke rolls his eyes at his mother. “What, I’m supposed to not think the worst of the guy who hit her?” he asks, jerking his head towards Haley, “The guy who has already refused anything to do with his child? Please, Mom, there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for either of you, but I won’t pretend that anything about that asshole is okay.”
“He’s right, Karen,” Haley says quietly, her pretty face contorting in anger and embarrassment, and Nathan just wants to wrap his arms around her and make it all go away, “Alex is a worthless jerk. Stupidest thing I ever did was fall for his lines.”
“Oh, honey,” Karen sighs, rocking the baby - Katie, Nathan realizes with a start - in her arms, “Sometimes you have no way of knowing. And sometimes it isn’t even for the worst.” Both Luke and Haley - and Nathan - look at her skeptically. “I mean it, look at me and Dan. Without him, I would’ve been spared the agony and embarrassment of being dumped as I was, but I wouldn’t have you, Luke. And Haley, maybe today you aren’t ready to understand that, but one day you’ll look at your daughter, and you’ll know.”
No one says anything else, all of them staring at the baby. Nathan looks over at Keith. “That’s Katie, isn’t it?”
“Katherine Lu James,” Keith nods, explaining, “The ‘Lu’ is for Lucas. Haley wanted to just go ahead and make Lucas the middle name, but Karen and Luke talked her out of it. Said her daughter would be too pretty to have a boy’s name as her middle name. Haley figured it wouldn’t matter, that she’d be honoring two of the people who had never left her or let her down, but they promised ‘Lu’ was enough of an honor, and they’d all know what it meant. Kind of funny that we have a Lulu here and your mom has a Lulu, too, huh?””
“And Katie’s father, he hit Haley?” Nathan asks through clenched teeth.
“Once,” Keith confirms, his jaw tightening, too, “When Haley told him she was pregnant. She hadn’t wanted to tell him in person - she had some sort of inherent ‘feeling’ that it wouldn’t go well - but Luke and Karen convinced her it was only fair to Alex that she tell him in person. You can imagine how guilty they’ve both felt since then.”
Nathan nods, knowing that both of them would’ve taken it to heart. “I hope Luke hunted him down and hurt him.”
Keith grimaces, nodding. “Sort of. He went after him, but he went after him at a party where Alex was surrounded by his friends. Luke got in quite a few good shots, but Alex’s friends stepped in when it was clear Luke would take him.”
“If we hadn’t already seen Luke’s story,” Nathan sighs, rolling his eyes, “I’d be asking whether or not he sustained some sort of brain damage in college.”
“Yeah, the self-preservation instincts got thrown out the window with him a long time ago,” Keith agrees, “Not that I blame him for going after Alex. Haley sported a fairly huge black eye after that, and she was understandably traumatized. Not that countering violence with violence really helped in that respect, but I think she realized then that no matter who else came and went in her life, Luke was one person who would always be there for her.”
Nathan nods absently, watching as his brother coaxes a smile from Haley. He can’t believe the hot flashes of jealousy that are roiling within him at the scene before him. It isn’t just that Haley has a baby, a baby that isn’t his, too, but that Lucas is here, and he isn’t. He knows that isn’t fair, and in truth, he’s glad they have each other. He knows that life has dealt both of them tough hands, and that they need the friendship they’ve spent long years cultivating. Knowing that doesn’t exactly take the sting out of it, though.
“I am glad they have each other,” he finally tells Keith, needing to fill the silence between them, since the soft conversation between Luke, Haley, and Karen doesn’t really interest him. “It’s just weird to see Luke step into a position I always thought I’d fill, you know?”
“The father position?”
Nathan nods mutely in response to the question. “I thought about it when we were together. That short little time when we were together and things were good and I thought we might just get lucky enough for it to last forever.”
“Yeah, but I guess you know that to get to the good times, you have to go through the bad ones, too.”
“How could I miss that anvil?” Nathan jokes, a little wistful when Karen hands the baby across Haley to Luke, who holds her gingerly, as if he’d been handed a bomb.
“She’s really gorgeous, Hales. Yes, you are, Katie,” Luke smiles at the tiny being in his arms, “You and me, we’re going to be old pals, aren’t we? I think we are. I’m going to teach you everything I know, all the ways I’ve found to get on your mommy’s nerves. Know what she hates the most? Bad singing. I’ll teach you all the ways in the world to be the worst singer possible, kid. We’ll drive her nuts, okay?”
Nathan is looking over Luke’s shoulder, getting his first good glimpse of the baby. She’s staring up in Luke’s general direction, but the bright blue eyes are focused over his shoulder, on Nathan. He looks away and then back at her. To his surprise, her eyes are still focused on him. He looks to Keith, but he’s smiling at whatever Karen and Haley are saying to each other.
Looking back at Katie, Nathan lets it go, and just enjoys gazing upon Haley’s child. She’s so - pretty. It seems like a mundane term for the little charmer with bright blue eyes and the tufts of already bright, blonde hair on her head. And all her attention seems to be focused on him, but Nathan knows that’s just wishful thinking on his part. She can’t see him here - no one but Keith can. But it’s a sweet little dream to think that she is staring up at him like that.
But that’s what all of this has been - rubbing the pipe dream in his face. That empty, impossible dream that he could’ve had, but let go of. Threw away. Whatever you want to call it. It was his, it was in his hands, and he threw it away. And seeing Katie here, in Luke’s arms, feels like the last spike that drives it all home. She could’ve been his.
But she isn’t. And she never will be.
“I still don’t think Lucas would’ve been a bad middle name for her,” Haley giggles as Luke hands Katie back to her, “But Katie Lu does have a certain ring to it, huh?”
“Can I call her LuLu?” Luke asks, grinning as if he already knows the answer.
“No, you can’t!” Haley laughs, reaching out a hand to swat at him, “That’s too precocious, too cutesy.”
“Well, you have to admit, a daughter of Haley James is bound to be a little on the precocious side,” Karen argues, “Lulu is an adorable nickname.”
“Oh, I see how it is, Katie, they’re just going to gang up on me until I give in, aren’t they?” she smiles at her daughter, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Gazing down at her, she smiles. “I can’t believe how little she is. I mean, I knew, of course, but it’s just crazy how small she is.”
“She’ll be huge before you know it,” Karen smiles in understanding, “Still wanting to be held, but weighing thirty-five pounds. That’s a kid for you.”
“Ugh, don’t even get me thinking about that,” Haley mock groans, “I want her to stay this little forever.”
Luke rolls his eyes at that. “Nah, let’s get her to two, and then keep her there. When she’s walking and talking, me and this kid will have fun, huh, baby?”
Nathan’s heart clenches at the grateful way Haley looks at Lucas, like she feels that lucky to have him here for her daughter. And he supposes she’s right, that considering a prize Katie’s father sounds to be, the little girl - and Haley - are lucky that Luke is there to fill the void and be the better man for the job anyway.
“Hey, Mom, we have to go,” Luke sighs, glancing at the clock on the wall, “Visiting hours ended five minutes ago. Remember what happened last time someone stayed over visiting hours?”
“That wasn’t my fault,” Haley mutters, not glancing away from her daughter, “If you had paid attention in the class where they taught you how to use the parachute, you probably would’ve landed a little better.”
“Can we please not relive that?” Karen asks with a visible shudder.
“Sorry, Karen,” Haley rushes out, looking up at Karen, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I know you didn’t, honey,” Karen manages to relax, smiling at her. “But Lucas is right, we should get going. You two need your rest. Do they take her back to the nursery?”
“Oh, no, they let her stay in here with me. Apparently it will be reflected in my bill, as it’s ‘so much additional work for the nursing staff to not have the babies in the nursery’. Sounds like a scam to me, but it’s not like any of this is cheap anyway.”
Karen leans down to kiss first Katie and then Haley on the forehead. “Get some rest. We’ll be back first thing in the morning.”
“Thank you,” Haley beams up at her.
Luke follows his mother’s lead, kissing both of them before straightening up. “Call me if you need any contraband snuck in. You know I’m your guy.”
Haley rolls her eyes, but nods, muttering under her breath to Katie, “He just wants to get caught by a hot nurse.” Looking up at them in the doorway, she pastes on a grin. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”
They exit, leaving Haley alone with Katie, and unbeknownst to her, Nathan and Keith. Nathan isn’t sure why they stay now - he’s pretty sure he was just supposed to find out some of the general circumstances of Katie’s existence, but now that it’s just Haley and the baby, with the occasional nurse bustling in to put the baby back in the bassinet, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to see.
And then Haley reaches over, picking up the phone, and he knows. He remembers the irritation he’d felt when he’d heard her voice on his new voicemail, wondering how she’d gotten the number. He’d had some bar slut with him, and he’d ended up erasing the message without listening and pounding his frustrations away into the girl he’d brought home with him.
She’s nervous about making the call, he can tell. She’s sitting up on the bed, and she’s twirling the cord around her fingers as she keeps her gaze focused on Katie. Like she can concentrate on her and get through the message.
“Um, hi, uh, Nathan,” she stumbles out with, “I know I shouldn’t be calling you, that you don’t even want to hear from me, and this will be the last call I’ll make, if you don’t call me back. Maybe that isn’t fair, to put so much of this on you, and maybe it’s just going to lead to me getting my heart broken one more time, but I guess that’s life.
“I had a baby today,” she continues, her voice shaky with emotion, “A little girl, Katie. And even though it isn’t possible, when I look at her, I see you. Like she’s supposed to be yours, somehow. And I know - I do know - that she isn’t, that I lost that chance a long time ago, but in my heart, I know that she was supposed to be yours.
“Or maybe that’s just crazy talk. But her eyes are blue, that clear blue like yours that I could get lost in, and you know I’ve never been one to believe in things like that, but I don’t have blue eyes, her father doesn’t have blue eyes, so it has to be a sign, right? God, you don’t have to tell me I sound pathetic, because believe me, I already know.
“Is it weird that I’m unloading all of this on your voicemail? You probably won’t even listen to it, and I don’t blame you. You’re probably freaked out that I even got this number, right? Yeah, I’m sure you are. I just - I don’t know, I guess I just needed to talk to someone, to tell someone how I’m feeling, how scared I am, and you’re the only one I ever want to talk to.
“That’ll have to change now, right? I’ll have to talk to Katie, I can’t just shut down with her like I can everyone else. And Luke, he’s getting reckless, and when college and basketball ends for him, I’m worried what he’ll do. I have to take care of them, be a mother and a friend to them. They need me, and maybe that’s all I’m ever meant to be.
“Not so long ago, I thought I’d be more. Be more than a single mother who has a restraining order against her father’s child, the child the father doesn’t even want anything to do with. Be more than an investment analyst who spends most of her day looking at spreadsheets. But this is what I am now. No music, no med school, and worst of all, no you.”
She pauses, taking a deep breath and wiping away the moisture that had gathered under her lashes. “I should be over that by now, right? It’s been three years since I’ve seen you, nine months and twenty-six days since I found out you changed your number. You want nothing to do with me, and I know that. It breaks my heart every second of every day actually.
“I’m not sure why I’m calling you now. I guess that I just wanted you to know what was going on with me, and let you know that I know now that I have to let you go. That my place isn’t being your stalker anymore, that it’s being a mother and a friend. And just one more time, I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, sorry for ever hurting you, and more sorry that I couldn’t be the one to fix you. I wanted to be that person so bad, you know?
“But I hope you’ve found her, found that person. I hope that you’re out there living your life the right way, the way you were meant to. I still love you, Nathan, and now I understand that I love you enough to let you go. But if you ever need me, ever want me, ever even love me a tiny fraction of what I love you, then I’m here. No matter what, I’m waiting for you. I want you. I need you. And I love you.”
She hangs up the phone, and once she’s set it back on the bedside table, she curls up in a ball on her side, tears coursing down her cheeks. She doesn’t make a sound, just cries silently. Nathan has his own tears on his own face and neck, and he moves to stand beside her. He sits down on the bed, wincing at the knowledge that she doesn’t know he’s there, that in this lifeline, she’ll never know that he wants her, needs her, loves her, too.
He looks around the room, confused to find that Keith had stepped out at some point, leaving him with Haley and Katie. He’d never thought about children much in his life, but he knows that if he knew at twenty-one what he knows now at thirty, he’d have been on the first plane to California to be with Haley and her beautiful little daughter, all the other drama be damned.
He didn’t, though, and he’ll never know Katie. He’ll never know what kind of a mother Haley is or what kinds of things they do for fun. He’ll never see Uncle Luke spoiling her like mad at Christmas or see Haley kick him discreetly when he brings in yet another present for her birthday. That this is all his doing, his failings, is sobering.
It’s a little amazing even now to think that he’d want to be a part of all this with Haley. For so long, too long, he’s held onto this unjustified anger of his, never realizing that this was just as much a punishment to himself as it was to her. In most ways, he suspects he’s ended up with far less than she did. At least she has her daughter; he’s only got a murderous father to claim as his own.
Haley gets out of bed stiffly, making her way over to Katie’s bassinet. She picks the tiny girl up and climbs back up onto the bed.
“You know what, little one? I think you would’ve really liked Nathan. He should’ve been your daddy. Yes, he should’ve. But Mommy messed everything up, and he isn’t. That’s okay, though, because you’ve got me, and I’ll be everything I can to you. And the parts that I can’t? Uncle Luke will be there, okay? I promise you that, you will never miss out on anything because Mommy messed up, okay? Nothing, not one single thing.”
More hot tears prick at the back of Nathan’s eyelids, but he ignores them, focusing still on Haley and her daughter. “Mommy is going to love you so much, little girl.”
Haley shifts on the bed, pulling her knees up and sitting Katie against them so that she can look down at her. Nathan moves up beside Haley, wishing for all that he’s worth he was there in the physical sense with them. Katie’s eyes are wide open, and once again, Nathan gets the uncanny feeling that she’s looking at him, not Haley.
“I’d love you, too,” Nathan whispers to her, hating that all of this is a wish for him, that all his life has become is a whispered wish for something better, promises made to people who can’t see him at times that happened long ago. “I’d love you both.”
Keith swims - much to Nathan’s annoyance, he is actually doing the breaststroke as he floats back in through the wall - into the room, looking at Nathan sadly. “I hate to tell you this now, but - “
“Yeah, yeah, it’s time to go,” Nathan nods hastily, jumping off the bed. Even though it’s futile, he reaches out and brushes his hand over Haley’s hair. If he tries hard enough, he can almost trick himself into believing that he actually felt something, that he’s not as worthless as Casper right now.
Keith whisks them away, back to the graveyard where this whole crazy night started. Nathan doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t need Keith to break anything down for him this time. He understands, gets what happened, what he missed out on with Haley. He knows the difference his presence in her life could’ve made, and Keith doesn’t have to spell it out this time. He gets that that was the night that Haley gave up on him, that she let the dream of him coming to her go. Maybe the hope lingered a little, maybe even more than a little, but she found a way to compartmentalize it into a lesser importance.
“So that’s it then?” Nathan says dully, arms crossed over his chest, “I’ve seen everyone. Now I have to give you my decision, right?”
“Not quite,” Keith sighs, looking as if he really dreads this part, “There are a couple more things we need to see. That you need to see. A, perhaps, cautionary tale.”
Dread and fear rise up in Nathan as he stares at Keith. “What does that mean?”
“It means that there is more to Haley’s life you have to see. And more to Lucas’s, too.”
Nathan blinks in surprise. He’d thought it was over, assumed he’d seen all he had to see from them and all that was left was telling Keith his decision. “You mean see what they’re both up to in present time?”
”That’s one of them, yes.”
“But there’s more?”
Keith nods. “There’s more.”
Nathan knows it isn’t something he’s going to like, that something that has happened to one of them is going to hurt, going to break him again. He can tell in the way Keith is trying to avoid eye contact. Standing up straight, he looks at Keith. “Let’s do it, I’m ready.”
Sighing, Keith nods. He wishes he could warn Nathan, give him some sort of hint as to what is to come, because he knows that if anything has the power to break him or get him acting irrational, this is it. But that’s against the rules, and if Keith doesn’t ensure they both play by the rules, then the jig is up, and Nathan’s chances at the do-over vanish into nothingness. And he can’t let that happen.
This time, it is with a heavy heart that Keith works his magic, the swirling mist, the brilliant sparks. He can only pray that this part goes right.
This part was a little hard to write in some ways. The first part more than the rest, because while panic and desperation are really ingrained in this version of Nathan, it's still hard to write this bad, you know?
Anyway, thanks for feeding me back. And thanks for the birthday wishes last post. You guys all get warm fuzzies from me!
And don't forget:
There are still NINE full days left on the challenge, more than enough time to throw something fun and warm and summery and maybe water-filled together!
Chapter Eight:
Nathan stays sitting on the cool, damp ground for a few minutes, trying to figure out what happened. He finally pushes himself to his feet, looking around in a mild panic. “Keith? Keith! Where are you?” He can hear the hysteria and fear slipping into his voice, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is for Keith to come back, to talk to him, to let him explain.
Words were never really Nathan’s strong suit. Oh, he could find the right ones when he really had to, like when he wanted to get a girl into his bed, but for the most part, he had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the very wrong time. He wanted to take the words back, explain to Keith what he meant to say, let him know that he wasn’t trying to disparage Luke. That he knows he was doing the best he could with what he had, with the crushing grief that Nathan knew his brother carried with him.
“Shit,” Nathan mutters to himself, running his hands over his face tiredly. He’s unsurprised to find the dampness on his cheeks, the emotions of all of this hitting him hard once again. “I’m not crazy, he was here, I saw things, he was here, I’m not crazy,” he begins repeating to himself, his feared loss of sanity back with him again, bigger and badder than ever.
Someone behind him clears his throat, and he turns to find Keith there, a guilty expression on his face. “You aren’t crazy. I’m just being oversensitive and a jerk.”
After taking one more staggering step, Nathan bends down, resting his forearms on his legs. “I’m sorry, Keith. I didn’t mean to - “
“Stop, you don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong, Nate.”
Nathan shakes his head, emitting a bitter laugh. “Obviously that isn’t quite the case, is it? You took off, just left. I don’t deserve this, I know that. It was too good to be true, right? Just sucks that you had to cut me off before I could see her again.”
Keith hangs his head, sighing. “You do deserve it, Nate. You deserve your chance to prove Fate wrong, to make something better, something meaningful for yourself.”
“Do I?” Nathan bites out, his eyes blurred with the tears clinging to his lashes, “I’m not so sure I do. I mean, what have I done that would say I should have this chance over someone else. What have I done but be a jerk this whole time?”
“I’m sorry, Nate, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You should know that seeing them again, Lucas and Karen, it just thrust me back and I got weird. See, even us heavenly types aren’t infallible,” he tries to joke.
“If this is some weird kind of Karmic retribution where you show me all this, but I don’t really get the do-over, okay, I get it. I get that I’m an ass, I get that I screw everything up. Just, can’t we just end it now if that’s the case?”
Keith rolls his eyes, cuffing the younger man on the back of the head. “Stand up straight, Nate. She won’t be able to see you, but you should at least try and look moderately presentable for your ex-wife, don’t you think?”
Nathan straightens up instinctively, his mind sort of shorting out at the mention of Haley. Keith feels a pang of guilt at the look of naked longing etched Nathan’s face, and though he wants to spare him, this is all a part of the process. To borrow a phrase, the show must go on.
“We aren’t arguing over this,” Keith states with finality, “You’re doing this, and you’re going to do it right. I believe that. I believe in you.”
Nathan’s sharp intake of breath drives home to both men the fact these are words that he has not heard recently, or indeed often, in his life. In fact, the words are so foreign to him that they actually feel like a sucker punch to the gut. Hearing the words simultaneously spreads a warmth through him that is chased by an icy chill. It instills him with a fleeting sense of confidence before the fear of failure fills him with doubt. The dichotomy of it all sets his head to pounding; of course, that could be the gin withdrawals.
“You know you might be crazy for believing that, right?” Nathan asks tiredly, feeling more overwhelmed now than he perhaps did even in the beginning of all this.
“No, crazy is me being a jerk about any of this,” Keith smiles good-naturedly, “I know this is just as hard and overwhelming for you, if not harder, and you don’t deserve to have me treat you like that.”
Nathan shifts uncomfortably, never having been good at accepting apologies from people. “Like I said, it’s fine. You were right, who am I to judge, right?”
“Who are any of us to judge?” Keith throws back at him, “Including me.”
“I don’t know, you got that whole heavenly vibe going for you,” Nathan grins, breaking out of the melancholy the last few minutes had surrounded him with, “You of all people might be able to get away with it.”
“True,” Keith nods, smirking, “A guy has to have something going for him, right?”
“You’d think so,” Nathan sighs, looking around the dark cemetery. “This whole thing is getting rough,” he admits.
Keith nods. “It kind of has to be, Nate. This isn’t a small decision, and it doesn’t deserve to be taken lightly. And therefore, you have to see the tough stuff and deal with that. Instant difficulty.”
“Yeah,” Nathan sighs, “I just - I guess I’m ready to be done with this.”
A knowing grin slides onto Keith’s face. “You mean you’re ready to see Haley, right?”
“That’s part of it,” Nathan admits, running a hand through his hair nervously, “But it isn’t all of it. I’m scared, too. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I have to see a bunch of tragedies play out in her life.”
“What if it is all triumphs? Can you imagine seeing that?”
Nathan wants to bristle at the question, but he can see that it really is just curiosity on Keith’s part, not an insinuation of anything more. “I hope so,” he finally answers honestly, “I don’t want to be the guy that resents someone for being happy or for finding love. Right here and now, I feel like I want the best for her. How I’ll react seeing things either way, I don’t really know.”
“Honesty,” Keith grins, “I can dig that.”
Nathan gives him a strange look. “And I can dig you not saying that again.”
“The classics never die, Nate,” Keith laughs, “That includes the classic sayings, even.”
“Whatever.”
“Hey,” Keith protests, “I speak the truth, kid.”
“Sure you do, old man,” Nathan snickers, pushing himself to his feet. “So can we forget what I said about not being sure if I wanted to do this? Because I think I’m ready to see the last couple of things and make a decision.”
“Which way you leaning?” Keith asks casually as he moves his hand through the mist slowly, Nathan’s heart clenching in nervousness as the silvery sparks begin to do their thing.
“I don’t know,” Nathan sighs, “It seems like the right thing to do would be to take it, but I want to see it all first.”
And Keith knows in that instant that for Nathan, everything comes down to how he deems Haley’s life. If she’s happy, he knows he won’t have the capacity to take that away from her, and if she’s miserable, then there won’t be any hesitation about taking the do-over. Keith can only hope that Nathan’s eyes are open to the big picture, and that he can correctly judge Haley’s views on her life despite how things seem at first glance.
In the blink of an eye, they’re out of the graveyard and into what Nathan automatically deduces to be the backstage area of a large club or theater. “She’s singing?”
“At this point, yeah, she is,” Keith answers.
“Oh,” Nathan says quietly, “She - she must not have - I never heard anything about her. I checked, you know?” Keith refrains from admitting that he does know, and that is one of the reasons Nathan was deemed worthy of this whole thing. “I thought she must’ve decided that music wasn’t for her since I never could find any information on her music.”
“Life is funny sometimes,” Keith shrugs, his oblique answers beginning - or continuing - to frustrate Nathan.
“Where is she?” Nathan asks, anxiety present in his voice. “I - is she here, I don’t see her yet!”
“Chill, Romeo, she’ll be here,” Keith counsels, “It’s not like this is a date she can break, being that it happened ten years ago and we’re just seeing the made for TV version of it.”
Nathan nods jerkily. “Ten years? God, that seems like a lifetime ago,” he laughs shakily.
“For me, too,” Keith agrees, “And my concept of time is just a wee bit skewed.”
An unmarked door near them flies open, and Nathan’s eyes widen when Haley comes storming out. But all the hopes that had risen at the sight of her vanished into the mist as Chris damn Keller comes trotting out after her. Keith watches his nephew warily, not unaware that Nathan could blow at anytime over this, which would in turn blow the whole point of this thing.
“Haley, wait,” Chris calls after her, grinning in relief when she turns to face him. “Come on, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“You called me pathetic,” she hisses, “That didn’t hurt my feelings, it pissed me off!”
“Potato, potahto,” he shrugs, “Look, I am sorry. I just - you’re hurting, and since you are my friend - or were until five minutes ago - I don’t like that. I’m worried about you.”
“Well, don’t,” she snaps, “I’m not your girlfriend, I’m not your mother, I’m not your sister - I’m just your backup singer, and you have no emotional responsibility towards me whatsoever. So don’t think you owe me life advice or any form of concern, okay?”
Chris stares at her, unsure what to say. Keith is relieved to see that Nathan’s demeanor has softened some once Haley’s hostility towards Chris became apparent.
“I’m sorry, Haley. I know you think this is some sort of penance, this born-again virgin saving yourself for your husband thing, but the guy who doesn’t take your calls or respond to your letters or emails, he probably doesn’t care what kind of penance your doing, you know?”
She glares at him, shaking her head angrily before spinning on her heel and storming off down the hall without looking back. Nathan starts to follow after her, already having had more than his fill of Keller.
“Hey, Haley!” Chris yells after her, and Nathan reluctantly turns around to look at him, “Despite what you think, I do care about you and I’ve always been sorry that brickhead ex of yours couldn’t figure things out. But I think you’re making a mistake waiting for him! You’ve put everything - college, friends, your life - on hold for him, and he doesn’t even care. It’s a mistake. Just for what it’s worth.”
Nathan turns back towards Haley, unsurprised to see that she has stopped. She turns slowly back towards Chris, her eyes glowing with anger and unshed tears. “Guess what? It’s not worth anything.”
She leaves right away, and Nathan watches Chris shake his head in resignation, disappearing back into the room that he and Haley had come out of. He leaves to follow Haley down the hall, Keith at his elbow as he makes his way outside.
Haley is sitting there on some steps off one of the fire escapes. She’s pulled her sweater tight around her, but Nathan can’t help but think she’s never looked smaller, or more fragile. She looks vulnerable now, as if life had got the better of her.
“Why didn’t she go to college?” Nathan asks, “She was going to. Stanford, she was supposed to go to Stanford and become this great pediatrician. She was going to work at a community health center after she graduated so that the government would forgive all her loans, and she’d feel like she was making a difference. What happened to Stanford?”
“Life happens sometimes,” Keith shrugs, “She told you once that Stanford wouldn’t matter without you, right? She meant it.”
“Because of me,” Nathan repeats dully, the insidious grief closing in around him, “Because of me?”
“Not because of you,” Keith corrects, “No one but Haley is responsible for Haley’s life. Just like you made your choices, she’s made hers. And you both influenced the other, but ultimately, the choices were your own.”
Nathan nods his acknowledgement, but he still feels sick at the thought of Haley giving up her dreams for him. Giving up anything for him. He was sure that if she could see him now, see who he was at thirty, she’d react a little differently.
Haley pulls out her phone, rapidly dialing a number. She drums her fingers on the ground beside her as she waits for the other end to pick up. Nathan watches as she begins to frown, hanging up before quickly dialing again.
By the time she hangs up for the second time, her breathing is quick and harsh, and her fingers are shaking. She dials again, this time standing up and pacing back and forth rapidly, waiting - always waiting - for an answer.
“Oh, Luke! Thank God! Have you tried calling Nathan lately? I was trying to call him just now, and it says his number has been disconnected!” she rushes out all in one breath, “I need to talk to him, Luke! Does he have a new number? What’s going on, do you think he’s okay?”
She stops pacing when she stops talking, waiting for his answer. Nathan watches in dismay as her face crumples, and he’s struck with the urge to go to her, to dry her tears and make things better for her. But he’s ten years too late and the necessary afterlife credentials short to do anything about at the moment. She looks so lost, which is perhaps the most disconcerting of all. She’d always been one of the most put together people Nathan knew, even when she’d literally beg him to give her another chance.
“You - you didn’t know?” she whispers, her voice breaking on a sob, “So he just doesn’t want to - oh, I see.”
Nathan’s heart clenches violently as realization sweeps over her, and for a second, he wants to curse Keith for being cruel enough to throw this most heinous of acts in his face. She sits back down on the step, brushing a weary hand through her hair.
“I can’t believe he changed his number,” she whispers, the sound tugging at Nathan to the point where he actually moves closer to her, sitting on the step next to her. When he tries to reach out to her, he ends up only reaching through her. “He hates me that much, Luke. God, what am I supposed to do?”
She listens to him for a minute, shaking her head at his words. “I can’t do that, I don’t know how.” She laughs bitterly, again shaking her head. “He’s the only man I’ve ever dated! The only man I’ve ever loved.” She leans forward as she listens to Luke, rocking back and forth a little. “Why can’t he see how sorry I am? Why doesn’t he care that I’d do anything for him, anything to have him back?”
She nods along with whatever Luke is saying, and Nathan stares desperately at Keith, who won’t look back at him. Almost as much as Nathan, Keith feels this one. He watched Haley grow up with Luke, and seeing her like this is as hard as any of the others for him.
The door creaks open behind them, and Chris comes out, his hands up in surrender. He mouths ‘I’m sorry’ to her, and she rolls her eyes, but motions that it’s okay for him to sit down beside her.
“Thanks, Luke. I - I’m sorry to do this to you again. I guess you’re just the only one who kind of understands how this thing with him works.” She sighs, trying to get herself under control now that Chris is out there - no need to have witnesses to the breakdown. “I’ll try. I - I know you’re right, but maybe I’m not ready to give up yet.” Another pause. “Bye Luke, I love you.”
When she hangs up the phone, she pauses for a second before looking over at Chris expectantly. “So what? Come to rub it in?”
“Rub what in?” he asks quietly, “What happened?”
“Nathan changed his number. I can’t even leave messages for him anymore,” she mutters bitterly, tearfully. “He hates me so much that he won’t take anything from me!”
“I - I’m sorry,” Chris mumbles, clearly nonplussed by the news, “Haley, I’m sorry. I never thought he’d do that to you.”
“Yeah, you and me both.”
“Maybe it’s time to go see him,” he suggests gently, “We’re down in Charlotte next week. Maybe you could rent a car and take a couple of days off.”
She looks over at him, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, because that would go over so well, right?”
“You need closure,” he argues, shrugging, “One way or the other. Look, I think we all know you won’t move on until you see him, talk to him, right?”
”I have to,” she says softly, “God, I’m a stalker, Chris. I stalk him, call all the time, emails, letters. I’m a crazy stalker!”
He snickers softly, shaking his head. “When you start hanging out outside his house at night with your binoculars and a vibrator, then we’ll call you a stalker.”
“Chris!” she exclaims, hitting him on the arm, “God, shut up!”
He grins. “Made you smile.”
She nods, smiling at him again. “Yeah, you did. Thanks.”
“I know I’m not Luke or whatever his name is, but come on, you have to admit, I’m not that bad of a friend. Okay, okay, there was that whole thing where I had a hand in breaking up your marriage, but other than that, have I not been nothing but a stand up friend?”
Nathan hopes for her to hit him, wishes that she’d tell him to get lost, that he means nothing and he can’t change that. She just smiles blandly at him, though, reaching out and through Nathan to pat him on the arm. “You aren’t perfect, Keller, but you aren’t a bad friend.”
“Damn straight,” he crows proudly. Standing up, he holds his hands out to her. “So friend, what do you say we join the party? You know, Rick keeps asking about you.” He drawls out Rick in the girliest way Nathan has ever heard. “Maybe you should talk to him tonight.”
She shrugs, nodding. “Well, maybe I will. It’s just - it’s not that easy, you know?”
“Maybe just for tonight you could pretend that it is,” he suggests, “Just pretend, for one night, that everything is okay and have fun.”
She smiles at him, but it is watery and tremulous. “I’ll try. I don’t think I know how, but I can try.”
“You pretend everyday,” he tells her, “Everyday you get out of bed and pretend things are at least okay enough for you to keep breathing, keep moving. What’s adding one more thing when you’re already a pro at those?”
“Are you calling me a faker?” she asks wearily.
“Oh, no, I’m calling you the Queen of Fakers,” he grins, reaching through Nathan to pat her on the shoulder, “You’ve perfected pretending to be okay in a way that has to be unprecedented. You can do a little more.”
She looks over at him, through Nathan, which somehow pierces his heart. “Nathan is supposed to be The One. The only one. I - I can’t imagine being with anyone besides him.”
He nods, in Nathan’s estimation trying but failing to look sympathetic. “Hey, it’s your choice. I’m just offering up a different point of view, okay?”
“Yeah, I know,” she sighs, “And thanks. I mean, for not writing me off as the biggest bitch in the world.”
“That was hard,” he teases, “But you’ve been cool. The only person around here who ever puts me in my place. I like that about you, James. It’s refreshing that you don’t take my crap.”
“You don’t give me as much crap as the other girls,” she reasons, “So I don’t have as much to take.”
“It’s daunting to give crap to a girl that’s hit you for calling her ex an asshole,” he points out, “I have to watch my step around you!”
Haley laughs softly with him, but Nathan can tell her heart still isn’t in it. “You should go back in,” she says to Chris, “I want to be by myself for a few minutes.” He opens his mouth to argue, but she waves him off. “Just a few,” she promises, “I’ll be in after that, and I promise to stay for most of the party.”
Nodding, he musses up her hair and then walks back in, not saying or doing anything else. Haley is obviously relieved when she’s alone, dropping her head into her hands, crying. She sits there quietly, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs, Nathan sits beside her, letting himself really drink her in. She looks just like she did the last time he saw her, all kinds of vulnerable and sad and scared. It hurts to think that two years after she left Tree Hill, he was still hurting her just as badly as he had before she left. Of course, he knew how deep wounds could run; the ones she inflicted on him seemed just as deep as hers do now.
He logically knows that two rights don’t make a wrong, but he can also admit that even as a man of thirty, a man who has spent the majority of his life alone and unloved, there is a gladness in him to see that their suffering has been something of equal. Keith would probably give him a funny look over that, taking him to task for that train of thought. Maybe he’d deserve it, regardless of how even it made things between him and Haley in his eyes.
It just breaks him to see her here like this. To see the sadness on her face, the absence of light in her eyes was crushing. Knowing that he played a very large role in those things, that made him want to hurl himself off a bridge. Never having seen the ramifications of his actions towards her before, he’d never realized how personally devastating it was to hurt someone you loved as much as he loves Haley.
And he does - it’s so obvious to him now, seeing her, that he still loves her. And he wonders at that, wonders at the impossibility of loving someone you haven’t seen or talked to in over twelve years. It doesn’t make sense to him that he could still feel this strongly about her.
It’s there, though, staring him in the face now. He wants to hold her, kiss her, make them both forget that they’d ever been separated. Promise that they never would be again.
“We have to go, Nate,” Keith sighs, not wanting to pull him out of this, knowing how much it means to his nephew, “We’ll see her again.”
Nathan nods, brushing away tears he hadn’t realized he was shedding. “Yeah, okay, I’m ready to go.”
“This, ah, this next one, don’t freak out, okay?” Keith tries to warn him, “I’ll explain right away, just don’t yell.”
Nathan raises an eyebrow at him. “Don’t ‘yell’? Just what the hell is going on? Maybe you should explain it to me now, Keith.”
“You have to see it,” Keith sighs, fighting a groan, “I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, if I could prepare you for this, I would, but it’s the rule thing.”
Biting back an angry retort, Nathan nods tersely, looking at the ground as Keith does his misty thing, and in the blink of an eye, he is suddenly staring at white industrial tiles rather than the concrete steps he was sitting on. Looking up, it doesn’t take long to assess that they’re in a hospital somewhere, and Nathan feels the bile rise along with the panic at the idea that Haley is hurt or sick in here.
“She’s not sick or hurt,” Keith says, seeking to reassure Nathan upon seeing the stricken look on his face. “She is a patient here, but she’s not sick or hurt, Nate.”
Nathan digests that, trying to decipher the information that Keith is giving him. His mind goes to other places, darker places, and the worry is replaced by a stark sense of terror at the train of thought. He remembers how broke she seemed when they last saw her, and while he doesn’t know how much time has elapsed, he wonders if she broke completely after that night.
“Why is she here?” he asks Keith in a breathless voice. “When is this?”
“This is a little over nine months after you disconnected your phone,” Keith tells him, his eyes lighting up when Lucas and Karen come hurrying down the hall. Lucas looks worried and vaguely discomfited, but Karen has a wide, happy smile on her face.
“She must not be too sick,” Nathan remarks, taking in the lack of fear in Karen and Lucas, “Is she okay? Why is she in here?”
“I’m going to give that dumbass a big piece of my mind,” Lucas’s voice breaks in, snapping Nathan out of his line of questioning, “I - I can’t believe this. God, what is she thinking?”
“Lucas, knock it off,” Karen insists quietly, “Don’t you dare do anything to upset her now. You know how hard this whole thing has been on her, and I refuse to let you make anything worse than it already is.”
“Ha, so at least you’re finally admitting it is ‘worse’,” Luke mumbles, “Come on, Mom, you know I’m just worried for her. This is just - she’s had such a bad time of this, and who knows what he’ll do to her in the future. He’s made it bad enough for her already, I don’t know why she even tries anymore.”
“This is her room,” Karen announces, “You will not say anything that might be construed as even the tiniest bit negative, do you understand me? You will be a pleasant, kind best friend, and you will support her in any way she needs.”
“Yeah, Mom, that goes without saying,” he agrees immediately, and they open the door to go in.
And Nathan doesn’t know why - if it’s the combination of the presents that Karen and Luke are carrying with the sounds of this particular floor that he just seems to be registering, but it finally hits him where they are, why Haley’s here.
“She’s - “ he cuts himself off as Luke and Karen step into the room, and he gets a clear view of Haley, as he’d realized, sitting on the edge of the bed, hours or so post giving birth. There is even a small bassinet placed near her bed, empty, as Karen has already scooped the pink-clad child into her arms. “Oh, God. I think I’m going to be sick.”
Keith throws a sharp glare his way, telling him without words to buck up and not be an ass, as he promised. “Just watch, Nate. This isn’t easy for any of them, either.”
“Honey, how are you?” Karen asks Haley, beaming down at the baby, “Oh, my goodness, she’s gorgeous, just like her mommy.”
Haley manages a tired smile for Karen as she reaches up to hug Lucas, holding onto him a second longer than Nathan would consider normal. “I don’t know about that, but she’s not too shabby, right?”
“She’s cute, Hales,” Luke agrees immediately, peeking over Karen’s shoulder for a look at the quiet child, “She’s really red, but cute. We’ll make a baller of her.”
Haley glares at him, her face softening into a wistful expression as her mind goes elsewhere. “Well, I doubt that will be a good idea.”
“So, has the Jerk been around yet?” Lucas changes the subject snippily.
“Lucas Eugene Scott!” Karen gasps, tearing her gaze away from the baby to glare at him.
Luke rolls his eyes at his mother. “What, I’m supposed to not think the worst of the guy who hit her?” he asks, jerking his head towards Haley, “The guy who has already refused anything to do with his child? Please, Mom, there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for either of you, but I won’t pretend that anything about that asshole is okay.”
“He’s right, Karen,” Haley says quietly, her pretty face contorting in anger and embarrassment, and Nathan just wants to wrap his arms around her and make it all go away, “Alex is a worthless jerk. Stupidest thing I ever did was fall for his lines.”
“Oh, honey,” Karen sighs, rocking the baby - Katie, Nathan realizes with a start - in her arms, “Sometimes you have no way of knowing. And sometimes it isn’t even for the worst.” Both Luke and Haley - and Nathan - look at her skeptically. “I mean it, look at me and Dan. Without him, I would’ve been spared the agony and embarrassment of being dumped as I was, but I wouldn’t have you, Luke. And Haley, maybe today you aren’t ready to understand that, but one day you’ll look at your daughter, and you’ll know.”
No one says anything else, all of them staring at the baby. Nathan looks over at Keith. “That’s Katie, isn’t it?”
“Katherine Lu James,” Keith nods, explaining, “The ‘Lu’ is for Lucas. Haley wanted to just go ahead and make Lucas the middle name, but Karen and Luke talked her out of it. Said her daughter would be too pretty to have a boy’s name as her middle name. Haley figured it wouldn’t matter, that she’d be honoring two of the people who had never left her or let her down, but they promised ‘Lu’ was enough of an honor, and they’d all know what it meant. Kind of funny that we have a Lulu here and your mom has a Lulu, too, huh?””
“And Katie’s father, he hit Haley?” Nathan asks through clenched teeth.
“Once,” Keith confirms, his jaw tightening, too, “When Haley told him she was pregnant. She hadn’t wanted to tell him in person - she had some sort of inherent ‘feeling’ that it wouldn’t go well - but Luke and Karen convinced her it was only fair to Alex that she tell him in person. You can imagine how guilty they’ve both felt since then.”
Nathan nods, knowing that both of them would’ve taken it to heart. “I hope Luke hunted him down and hurt him.”
Keith grimaces, nodding. “Sort of. He went after him, but he went after him at a party where Alex was surrounded by his friends. Luke got in quite a few good shots, but Alex’s friends stepped in when it was clear Luke would take him.”
“If we hadn’t already seen Luke’s story,” Nathan sighs, rolling his eyes, “I’d be asking whether or not he sustained some sort of brain damage in college.”
“Yeah, the self-preservation instincts got thrown out the window with him a long time ago,” Keith agrees, “Not that I blame him for going after Alex. Haley sported a fairly huge black eye after that, and she was understandably traumatized. Not that countering violence with violence really helped in that respect, but I think she realized then that no matter who else came and went in her life, Luke was one person who would always be there for her.”
Nathan nods absently, watching as his brother coaxes a smile from Haley. He can’t believe the hot flashes of jealousy that are roiling within him at the scene before him. It isn’t just that Haley has a baby, a baby that isn’t his, too, but that Lucas is here, and he isn’t. He knows that isn’t fair, and in truth, he’s glad they have each other. He knows that life has dealt both of them tough hands, and that they need the friendship they’ve spent long years cultivating. Knowing that doesn’t exactly take the sting out of it, though.
“I am glad they have each other,” he finally tells Keith, needing to fill the silence between them, since the soft conversation between Luke, Haley, and Karen doesn’t really interest him. “It’s just weird to see Luke step into a position I always thought I’d fill, you know?”
“The father position?”
Nathan nods mutely in response to the question. “I thought about it when we were together. That short little time when we were together and things were good and I thought we might just get lucky enough for it to last forever.”
“Yeah, but I guess you know that to get to the good times, you have to go through the bad ones, too.”
“How could I miss that anvil?” Nathan jokes, a little wistful when Karen hands the baby across Haley to Luke, who holds her gingerly, as if he’d been handed a bomb.
“She’s really gorgeous, Hales. Yes, you are, Katie,” Luke smiles at the tiny being in his arms, “You and me, we’re going to be old pals, aren’t we? I think we are. I’m going to teach you everything I know, all the ways I’ve found to get on your mommy’s nerves. Know what she hates the most? Bad singing. I’ll teach you all the ways in the world to be the worst singer possible, kid. We’ll drive her nuts, okay?”
Nathan is looking over Luke’s shoulder, getting his first good glimpse of the baby. She’s staring up in Luke’s general direction, but the bright blue eyes are focused over his shoulder, on Nathan. He looks away and then back at her. To his surprise, her eyes are still focused on him. He looks to Keith, but he’s smiling at whatever Karen and Haley are saying to each other.
Looking back at Katie, Nathan lets it go, and just enjoys gazing upon Haley’s child. She’s so - pretty. It seems like a mundane term for the little charmer with bright blue eyes and the tufts of already bright, blonde hair on her head. And all her attention seems to be focused on him, but Nathan knows that’s just wishful thinking on his part. She can’t see him here - no one but Keith can. But it’s a sweet little dream to think that she is staring up at him like that.
But that’s what all of this has been - rubbing the pipe dream in his face. That empty, impossible dream that he could’ve had, but let go of. Threw away. Whatever you want to call it. It was his, it was in his hands, and he threw it away. And seeing Katie here, in Luke’s arms, feels like the last spike that drives it all home. She could’ve been his.
But she isn’t. And she never will be.
“I still don’t think Lucas would’ve been a bad middle name for her,” Haley giggles as Luke hands Katie back to her, “But Katie Lu does have a certain ring to it, huh?”
“Can I call her LuLu?” Luke asks, grinning as if he already knows the answer.
“No, you can’t!” Haley laughs, reaching out a hand to swat at him, “That’s too precocious, too cutesy.”
“Well, you have to admit, a daughter of Haley James is bound to be a little on the precocious side,” Karen argues, “Lulu is an adorable nickname.”
“Oh, I see how it is, Katie, they’re just going to gang up on me until I give in, aren’t they?” she smiles at her daughter, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Gazing down at her, she smiles. “I can’t believe how little she is. I mean, I knew, of course, but it’s just crazy how small she is.”
“She’ll be huge before you know it,” Karen smiles in understanding, “Still wanting to be held, but weighing thirty-five pounds. That’s a kid for you.”
“Ugh, don’t even get me thinking about that,” Haley mock groans, “I want her to stay this little forever.”
Luke rolls his eyes at that. “Nah, let’s get her to two, and then keep her there. When she’s walking and talking, me and this kid will have fun, huh, baby?”
Nathan’s heart clenches at the grateful way Haley looks at Lucas, like she feels that lucky to have him here for her daughter. And he supposes she’s right, that considering a prize Katie’s father sounds to be, the little girl - and Haley - are lucky that Luke is there to fill the void and be the better man for the job anyway.
“Hey, Mom, we have to go,” Luke sighs, glancing at the clock on the wall, “Visiting hours ended five minutes ago. Remember what happened last time someone stayed over visiting hours?”
“That wasn’t my fault,” Haley mutters, not glancing away from her daughter, “If you had paid attention in the class where they taught you how to use the parachute, you probably would’ve landed a little better.”
“Can we please not relive that?” Karen asks with a visible shudder.
“Sorry, Karen,” Haley rushes out, looking up at Karen, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I know you didn’t, honey,” Karen manages to relax, smiling at her. “But Lucas is right, we should get going. You two need your rest. Do they take her back to the nursery?”
“Oh, no, they let her stay in here with me. Apparently it will be reflected in my bill, as it’s ‘so much additional work for the nursing staff to not have the babies in the nursery’. Sounds like a scam to me, but it’s not like any of this is cheap anyway.”
Karen leans down to kiss first Katie and then Haley on the forehead. “Get some rest. We’ll be back first thing in the morning.”
“Thank you,” Haley beams up at her.
Luke follows his mother’s lead, kissing both of them before straightening up. “Call me if you need any contraband snuck in. You know I’m your guy.”
Haley rolls her eyes, but nods, muttering under her breath to Katie, “He just wants to get caught by a hot nurse.” Looking up at them in the doorway, she pastes on a grin. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”
They exit, leaving Haley alone with Katie, and unbeknownst to her, Nathan and Keith. Nathan isn’t sure why they stay now - he’s pretty sure he was just supposed to find out some of the general circumstances of Katie’s existence, but now that it’s just Haley and the baby, with the occasional nurse bustling in to put the baby back in the bassinet, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to see.
And then Haley reaches over, picking up the phone, and he knows. He remembers the irritation he’d felt when he’d heard her voice on his new voicemail, wondering how she’d gotten the number. He’d had some bar slut with him, and he’d ended up erasing the message without listening and pounding his frustrations away into the girl he’d brought home with him.
She’s nervous about making the call, he can tell. She’s sitting up on the bed, and she’s twirling the cord around her fingers as she keeps her gaze focused on Katie. Like she can concentrate on her and get through the message.
“Um, hi, uh, Nathan,” she stumbles out with, “I know I shouldn’t be calling you, that you don’t even want to hear from me, and this will be the last call I’ll make, if you don’t call me back. Maybe that isn’t fair, to put so much of this on you, and maybe it’s just going to lead to me getting my heart broken one more time, but I guess that’s life.
“I had a baby today,” she continues, her voice shaky with emotion, “A little girl, Katie. And even though it isn’t possible, when I look at her, I see you. Like she’s supposed to be yours, somehow. And I know - I do know - that she isn’t, that I lost that chance a long time ago, but in my heart, I know that she was supposed to be yours.
“Or maybe that’s just crazy talk. But her eyes are blue, that clear blue like yours that I could get lost in, and you know I’ve never been one to believe in things like that, but I don’t have blue eyes, her father doesn’t have blue eyes, so it has to be a sign, right? God, you don’t have to tell me I sound pathetic, because believe me, I already know.
“Is it weird that I’m unloading all of this on your voicemail? You probably won’t even listen to it, and I don’t blame you. You’re probably freaked out that I even got this number, right? Yeah, I’m sure you are. I just - I don’t know, I guess I just needed to talk to someone, to tell someone how I’m feeling, how scared I am, and you’re the only one I ever want to talk to.
“That’ll have to change now, right? I’ll have to talk to Katie, I can’t just shut down with her like I can everyone else. And Luke, he’s getting reckless, and when college and basketball ends for him, I’m worried what he’ll do. I have to take care of them, be a mother and a friend to them. They need me, and maybe that’s all I’m ever meant to be.
“Not so long ago, I thought I’d be more. Be more than a single mother who has a restraining order against her father’s child, the child the father doesn’t even want anything to do with. Be more than an investment analyst who spends most of her day looking at spreadsheets. But this is what I am now. No music, no med school, and worst of all, no you.”
She pauses, taking a deep breath and wiping away the moisture that had gathered under her lashes. “I should be over that by now, right? It’s been three years since I’ve seen you, nine months and twenty-six days since I found out you changed your number. You want nothing to do with me, and I know that. It breaks my heart every second of every day actually.
“I’m not sure why I’m calling you now. I guess that I just wanted you to know what was going on with me, and let you know that I know now that I have to let you go. That my place isn’t being your stalker anymore, that it’s being a mother and a friend. And just one more time, I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, sorry for ever hurting you, and more sorry that I couldn’t be the one to fix you. I wanted to be that person so bad, you know?
“But I hope you’ve found her, found that person. I hope that you’re out there living your life the right way, the way you were meant to. I still love you, Nathan, and now I understand that I love you enough to let you go. But if you ever need me, ever want me, ever even love me a tiny fraction of what I love you, then I’m here. No matter what, I’m waiting for you. I want you. I need you. And I love you.”
She hangs up the phone, and once she’s set it back on the bedside table, she curls up in a ball on her side, tears coursing down her cheeks. She doesn’t make a sound, just cries silently. Nathan has his own tears on his own face and neck, and he moves to stand beside her. He sits down on the bed, wincing at the knowledge that she doesn’t know he’s there, that in this lifeline, she’ll never know that he wants her, needs her, loves her, too.
He looks around the room, confused to find that Keith had stepped out at some point, leaving him with Haley and Katie. He’d never thought about children much in his life, but he knows that if he knew at twenty-one what he knows now at thirty, he’d have been on the first plane to California to be with Haley and her beautiful little daughter, all the other drama be damned.
He didn’t, though, and he’ll never know Katie. He’ll never know what kind of a mother Haley is or what kinds of things they do for fun. He’ll never see Uncle Luke spoiling her like mad at Christmas or see Haley kick him discreetly when he brings in yet another present for her birthday. That this is all his doing, his failings, is sobering.
It’s a little amazing even now to think that he’d want to be a part of all this with Haley. For so long, too long, he’s held onto this unjustified anger of his, never realizing that this was just as much a punishment to himself as it was to her. In most ways, he suspects he’s ended up with far less than she did. At least she has her daughter; he’s only got a murderous father to claim as his own.
Haley gets out of bed stiffly, making her way over to Katie’s bassinet. She picks the tiny girl up and climbs back up onto the bed.
“You know what, little one? I think you would’ve really liked Nathan. He should’ve been your daddy. Yes, he should’ve. But Mommy messed everything up, and he isn’t. That’s okay, though, because you’ve got me, and I’ll be everything I can to you. And the parts that I can’t? Uncle Luke will be there, okay? I promise you that, you will never miss out on anything because Mommy messed up, okay? Nothing, not one single thing.”
More hot tears prick at the back of Nathan’s eyelids, but he ignores them, focusing still on Haley and her daughter. “Mommy is going to love you so much, little girl.”
Haley shifts on the bed, pulling her knees up and sitting Katie against them so that she can look down at her. Nathan moves up beside Haley, wishing for all that he’s worth he was there in the physical sense with them. Katie’s eyes are wide open, and once again, Nathan gets the uncanny feeling that she’s looking at him, not Haley.
“I’d love you, too,” Nathan whispers to her, hating that all of this is a wish for him, that all his life has become is a whispered wish for something better, promises made to people who can’t see him at times that happened long ago. “I’d love you both.”
Keith swims - much to Nathan’s annoyance, he is actually doing the breaststroke as he floats back in through the wall - into the room, looking at Nathan sadly. “I hate to tell you this now, but - “
“Yeah, yeah, it’s time to go,” Nathan nods hastily, jumping off the bed. Even though it’s futile, he reaches out and brushes his hand over Haley’s hair. If he tries hard enough, he can almost trick himself into believing that he actually felt something, that he’s not as worthless as Casper right now.
Keith whisks them away, back to the graveyard where this whole crazy night started. Nathan doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t need Keith to break anything down for him this time. He understands, gets what happened, what he missed out on with Haley. He knows the difference his presence in her life could’ve made, and Keith doesn’t have to spell it out this time. He gets that that was the night that Haley gave up on him, that she let the dream of him coming to her go. Maybe the hope lingered a little, maybe even more than a little, but she found a way to compartmentalize it into a lesser importance.
“So that’s it then?” Nathan says dully, arms crossed over his chest, “I’ve seen everyone. Now I have to give you my decision, right?”
“Not quite,” Keith sighs, looking as if he really dreads this part, “There are a couple more things we need to see. That you need to see. A, perhaps, cautionary tale.”
Dread and fear rise up in Nathan as he stares at Keith. “What does that mean?”
“It means that there is more to Haley’s life you have to see. And more to Lucas’s, too.”
Nathan blinks in surprise. He’d thought it was over, assumed he’d seen all he had to see from them and all that was left was telling Keith his decision. “You mean see what they’re both up to in present time?”
”That’s one of them, yes.”
“But there’s more?”
Keith nods. “There’s more.”
Nathan knows it isn’t something he’s going to like, that something that has happened to one of them is going to hurt, going to break him again. He can tell in the way Keith is trying to avoid eye contact. Standing up straight, he looks at Keith. “Let’s do it, I’m ready.”
Sighing, Keith nods. He wishes he could warn Nathan, give him some sort of hint as to what is to come, because he knows that if anything has the power to break him or get him acting irrational, this is it. But that’s against the rules, and if Keith doesn’t ensure they both play by the rules, then the jig is up, and Nathan’s chances at the do-over vanish into nothingness. And he can’t let that happen.
This time, it is with a heavy heart that Keith works his magic, the swirling mist, the brilliant sparks. He can only pray that this part goes right.