(no subject)
So I got all drunk and sloppy last night, had a meltdown of tears and anger with Ronny as my fortunate witness. He had to drive us home and he vacated promptly after delivering me and the car. I was in the bathroom when he left and I did run after him, to no avail. I ended up walking my usual block, a hot mess of anguish.
I texted him earlier today, apologizing. It has been hours without a response. I had hoped that he might find me being overly dramatic and just chuck last night out the window due to drunkeness. But perhaps he is greatly angered with me and does not wish to talk to me. Perhaps this is just for a short time. Perhaps forever, since he had seen my pathetic crazy side and can now accurately judge my worth. Perhaps he found me lacking.
I am quite angry at myself for acting a fool, for over imbibing, for losing control, for forcing the consequences of my poor choice upon him who I love, for taking advantage of his patience. I know this is the stuff of life, of relationships and honesty and loyalty, and that no matter how it ends up it is for the best. Still, I rue the gamble I took, I rue my inconsiderate action. If there is any noble thing left to me, any ideal or idea that has not been undermined, it is that I should not burden anyone with my presence. If there is only one good thing left to do it is to avoid hurting others at all costs.
So now I am a bad person.
I texted him earlier today, apologizing. It has been hours without a response. I had hoped that he might find me being overly dramatic and just chuck last night out the window due to drunkeness. But perhaps he is greatly angered with me and does not wish to talk to me. Perhaps this is just for a short time. Perhaps forever, since he had seen my pathetic crazy side and can now accurately judge my worth. Perhaps he found me lacking.
I am quite angry at myself for acting a fool, for over imbibing, for losing control, for forcing the consequences of my poor choice upon him who I love, for taking advantage of his patience. I know this is the stuff of life, of relationships and honesty and loyalty, and that no matter how it ends up it is for the best. Still, I rue the gamble I took, I rue my inconsiderate action. If there is any noble thing left to me, any ideal or idea that has not been undermined, it is that I should not burden anyone with my presence. If there is only one good thing left to do it is to avoid hurting others at all costs.
So now I am a bad person.