Oh shit
I’ve not been using my livejournal properly for far too long now, and my day to day existence seems a bit mundane so starting today I am going to reminisce and hopefully entertain you all with stories of my past. Some are will be humorous, some embarrassing and hopefully some will be touching, but to start it all off I will try to gross you out with a good old-fashioned poo story.
I was in London having just been to an interview for a job that I didn’t get, probably because I reeked of booze having used half a bottle of vodka to calm my nerves. I needed to evacuate my bowels and it was getting urgent. I made my way to London Bridge station and started to look for lavatories, sweat pouring off my face and the pressure mounting in my pants. I went to the gents and they were closed for repairs, some gas escaped and there was some liquid seepage. It was going to be a very wet & unpleasant experience.
I rushed to the platform where they had one of those toilet cubicles where you insert 20p and the toilet is yours for 5 minutes. Luckily I had the relevant change and the door swooshed open, I rushed in pulled my trousers down and the inevitable happened. Much relief ensued. I stood up to complete the procedure when I noticed something awry. Disaster had struck in a big way. I had been wearing a long grey trench-coat and had not pushed it aside properly as I sat so rather than emptying my bowels into a pristine toilet, I had shat all over the inside of my coat and in standing up it had dripped all over my trousers that were still around my ankles.
I almost started crying, but realising I had only about 5 minutes before the toilet door would automatically open I got to work on the salvage operation. I rinsed my coat off in the sink and left it on the hook on the back of the door. It was beyond salvation so I left it there. I removed all visible matter from my trousers and cleaned up as best as I could, but the reek was everywhere. I still had loads of cleaning to do when the door opened revealing a cue of young female tourists waiting to use the facilities. I ran out and spent the journey on the train home convinced that everyone who came within 20 meters of me could smell the poo.
This was my most embarrassing experience for several years, I have since embarrassed myself to a much greater degree, but more about that another time.