coming down again
well, i guess a come down from pot really isnt that bad in comparison from other drugs, but i have nothing to compare it to, and when im coming down back to reality i ahte it. i love beeing high, i love beeing stupid and slow and unaware and happy and talkative and not caring, thats all taken away from me when im sober. i hate it, i cant be happy withought a substance! i need to drink or smoke to feel normal. i think i have personality disorders, mostly having to do with how i HATE myself so much and i think u can call my soberness deep depression, i get nothingness in my head, im angy at everyone, i dont want to move, i listen t emo soft music, and i just want to be alone to not think about thinking about all the shit i've yet to face. o well, i would rather just have it all build up and i die one day maybe in my 30's i dont care, i cant be worth enought o make ay one hapy for the rest of thier life anywase. ok, now i think tis safe to do this on the computer, cause u wont talk bac or start talking about ur self when i just need someone to listen and to feel sorry for me and to understan. no one does that and i cant expect that of u, so u cant let me down. damn, getting let down, i ahte that, i ive it every day. My daddy is my best friend i would stay home on friday nights just to snuggle with him and watch the history channel, he spoiled me. we were best friends we told eachother everything, we fought and he always made me smile when i was so pissed. i could never keep a stragight face cause i lov him so much it shows through no matter what. that man is my everything. he was addicted to crack, he basically smoke it, but he shot up a few times and dealed it and wat not. he fucked up his life and leaned up when i was about 2. he did it for me. i saved him from himself. i was his everything, his sunshine and his sweeat heart. nothing could break us apart. we look alikt, we act alike, we sound alike, we are the strongest bond ever in existance. So, he decidedes to buy a retirement house in AZ. i help him pick it out, i go along to see the progress of the building of the house. i am exited. He will never leave untill i graduate from high school, he loves me too much, he would never leave his everything. NEVER! so, one day the step mom decided she didnt like my short skirt, she screams profanity and ends with bashng my head into the bed board and strangleing me. Dady said it was all my fault. i ran to my mother. my mother picked me up, daddy was mad at me. daddy said he wants to denie his rights to me as a father and move to arizona. wow, hes never said anythign like that before. hes never not looekd at me like this before. hes never been so dissapointed that i had gotten beated, but he said its all my fault. o well, he doesnt mean it, hes just scared, he is a good man, he would never leave me. well, time passes, shit gets worse with the step mom. daddy never came to pick me up for school on my 1rst day of 11th grade. o well, hell be back in a week or so. no biggie, i can manage a week or so withught him. a month goes by, well hes got to finish his realestate school in arizona, then he''ll come home. its been 2 moths now, daddy graduate from his school and started hist buisness, but hes coming home soon, he misses me and could never go away. 3 months, still no daddy... well i ran out of exuses for his absence so, i had to ask. "dad, did u move to arizona?"
he said no... well he SAID no.. he lied. i got the point, he was gone. i closed my eyes and hung op the phone, thats all i needed to hear, nothing else mattered. daddy is gone, daddy has a ew life, and im not a part f it in any way. daddy moved and never told me. now in all honesty, he LEFT he packed his shit and left and never told me, never talked to me, never asked me, never INCLUDED ME. so, o well, im just nothing. my everything threw me away. im worthless, im alone, no one is worth anything, nothing matters now. everything is black, nothing matters, nothing is a big deal. i dont care, i wont cry, i wont think about it. i wont try and fix it, i wont cry. I WONT CRY I WONT CRY I WONT CRY crying is for week pathetic pieces of shit, i cant cry even if i wanted to. im dead, i want to be fucked up, im nothing, im a worthless god fornothing god forsaked piece of low life shit. i hate everything and everyone and the world and fuck god. ICK GOD! i followed GOD so well, i was a servant! i pray! i try! i worship! now i am nothing, this is were god has gotten me. all im doing is blaming everyone but daddy. i hate myself b//c i am worth nothing. im fat and ugly and stupid and annoing and horrible AND conceded and fake and blank and unfogiving. I AM STRONG this will NOT hurt! this is NOT important, if it had anything to do with me it cant be. i am such a fucking nuisance. i hate so much. b//c i hate myself, i hate myself b/c im not goo enough for the one person who always believed that our love would get us anywere. now my everything lies and hides and abandoned me. he doesnt care, hes happy now. im nothing. hes happy, withought me. i am so far and he doesnt know me anymore, hes happy, im nothing. hes happy? hes happy. hes happy! he doesnt think about me like i do him. daddy doesnt love me that much anymore, he has better things to do. i am not important. i am insignificant.
i hate myself and its all daddys fault, i have no father. im a bastard child, it hurts less that way, then i dont have to admit that i lost everything, and my everything doesnt even miss me.
nope, i didnt cry this whole time. i am not week, that is one thing i am not!
he said no... well he SAID no.. he lied. i got the point, he was gone. i closed my eyes and hung op the phone, thats all i needed to hear, nothing else mattered. daddy is gone, daddy has a ew life, and im not a part f it in any way. daddy moved and never told me. now in all honesty, he LEFT he packed his shit and left and never told me, never talked to me, never asked me, never INCLUDED ME. so, o well, im just nothing. my everything threw me away. im worthless, im alone, no one is worth anything, nothing matters now. everything is black, nothing matters, nothing is a big deal. i dont care, i wont cry, i wont think about it. i wont try and fix it, i wont cry. I WONT CRY I WONT CRY I WONT CRY crying is for week pathetic pieces of shit, i cant cry even if i wanted to. im dead, i want to be fucked up, im nothing, im a worthless god fornothing god forsaked piece of low life shit. i hate everything and everyone and the world and fuck god. ICK GOD! i followed GOD so well, i was a servant! i pray! i try! i worship! now i am nothing, this is were god has gotten me. all im doing is blaming everyone but daddy. i hate myself b//c i am worth nothing. im fat and ugly and stupid and annoing and horrible AND conceded and fake and blank and unfogiving. I AM STRONG this will NOT hurt! this is NOT important, if it had anything to do with me it cant be. i am such a fucking nuisance. i hate so much. b//c i hate myself, i hate myself b/c im not goo enough for the one person who always believed that our love would get us anywere. now my everything lies and hides and abandoned me. he doesnt care, hes happy now. im nothing. hes happy, withought me. i am so far and he doesnt know me anymore, hes happy, im nothing. hes happy? hes happy. hes happy! he doesnt think about me like i do him. daddy doesnt love me that much anymore, he has better things to do. i am not important. i am insignificant.
i hate myself and its all daddys fault, i have no father. im a bastard child, it hurts less that way, then i dont have to admit that i lost everything, and my everything doesnt even miss me.
nope, i didnt cry this whole time. i am not week, that is one thing i am not!