hopeless (?) musings
To what end? It sort of sums up my feeling these past few years. To what end do you fight, endure, hope? When you have absolutely no real friends, those that you can call in the middle of the night without thought of them being annoyed or judging, what do you do? When you hurt, inside out, mentally, physically, without end. What do you do?
"But you can strive for happiness/love/friends/job/money", I ask again, why? To what end?
You fight, against others, against and for yourself. You endure endless nights when you toss and turn and in complete mental agony, you weep, you clutch your blankets in a vice-like grip in a vain attempt to channel your pain and make it go away. You find yourself more and more in other universes, where fighting really matter, where you make a difference, where you have a worth. Where pain is a tangible feeling with a cause, a purpose, where pain can be a tool to shaping yourself into something better, something more worthy. You wish it was for real, even that great pain, that torture and agony, because if it was, at least it was for a meaning, a means to an end.
But in the end, you feel guilt. Guilt for being spoiled. Guilt for complaining. You have an education, an exam, a full-time secure job, a nice apartment, parents who are alive, you are mostly healthy, no terminal sickness. But you hurt. And hate. You hate yourself, and your complaining when you don´t really have anything to complain about.
Or is that true? You have no real friends. You have a mother and a father that you for different reasons can´t call and ask for help. You have colleagues who know you don´t feel well but who don´t know the depth of your despair. You have no savings, lots of debt, you get by, but at the start of each month, after you have paid all your bills, but still have not bought food, you have 15 dollars left for the entire month. You can never buy something for yourself just because. But still, the lack of friends, of people around you who can wrap their arms around you and chase away all the mental ghosts, just being there, accepting, not asking, accusing och judging.
You wish that you could turn back to the person you were several years ago, anti-social, cold, uncaring. At least you did´t hurt back then. But at the same time, you want to be part of something, you want the warmth of friendship, you want to be happy and satisfied with what you have, you want to matter to someone else. The hard, cold part of you want to become the dominant aspect of your personality, just to make tha pain stop, whatever the price. The warm, soft aspect of the same personality want to open up more and more, but the more you let that part be the dominant aspect, the more pain you feel.
So, to what end? Why should you continue fighting? What reason is it for YOU to continue?
...to what end?
"But you can strive for happiness/love/friends/job/money", I ask again, why? To what end?
You fight, against others, against and for yourself. You endure endless nights when you toss and turn and in complete mental agony, you weep, you clutch your blankets in a vice-like grip in a vain attempt to channel your pain and make it go away. You find yourself more and more in other universes, where fighting really matter, where you make a difference, where you have a worth. Where pain is a tangible feeling with a cause, a purpose, where pain can be a tool to shaping yourself into something better, something more worthy. You wish it was for real, even that great pain, that torture and agony, because if it was, at least it was for a meaning, a means to an end.
But in the end, you feel guilt. Guilt for being spoiled. Guilt for complaining. You have an education, an exam, a full-time secure job, a nice apartment, parents who are alive, you are mostly healthy, no terminal sickness. But you hurt. And hate. You hate yourself, and your complaining when you don´t really have anything to complain about.
Or is that true? You have no real friends. You have a mother and a father that you for different reasons can´t call and ask for help. You have colleagues who know you don´t feel well but who don´t know the depth of your despair. You have no savings, lots of debt, you get by, but at the start of each month, after you have paid all your bills, but still have not bought food, you have 15 dollars left for the entire month. You can never buy something for yourself just because. But still, the lack of friends, of people around you who can wrap their arms around you and chase away all the mental ghosts, just being there, accepting, not asking, accusing och judging.
You wish that you could turn back to the person you were several years ago, anti-social, cold, uncaring. At least you did´t hurt back then. But at the same time, you want to be part of something, you want the warmth of friendship, you want to be happy and satisfied with what you have, you want to matter to someone else. The hard, cold part of you want to become the dominant aspect of your personality, just to make tha pain stop, whatever the price. The warm, soft aspect of the same personality want to open up more and more, but the more you let that part be the dominant aspect, the more pain you feel.
So, to what end? Why should you continue fighting? What reason is it for YOU to continue?
...to what end?