*hurts*
In Februari 2009 my fiance since 2 years disapeared. He had a bi-polar disorder. He drank over 7 liters of vodka and whiskey in one single week. He threatened me. Looked me out of our apartment. Threatened my father. Disapeared. I got a new apartement. A new life. I went on. But with nightmares. Nightmares of me standing in the yard of my work-place with lots of young children around me (pree-school teacher) and he comes into the yard with a gun in his hand. Nigthmares of him pressing the gun against my head while he tells me that I have one choice. I get to choose, either he shoots me in the head right then and there in front of all the children, or he kills the children. I have had lots of those nightmares. I have never really KNOWN what happened to him. Never been certain he will not come for me. Until now.
Last sunday the police identified the remains of a man that they found in the forest outside the town where I used to live, and the town I still work in. It is him. My ex. He had gone out in the forest and killed himself. And no-one had found him until now.
I feel strange. I am sad but at the same time happy that I finally KNOW. He can never come to my work. He can never show up outside my apartement. He can never hurt me. But at the same time it hurts so much. Am I the guilty one for him to have killed himself? Could I have prevented him from going sick again? Could I have done something? My head tells me, no, I could not. He was sick and I was working. There was no way I could have stopped him. But my heart hurts. Maybe I could have... Maybe I should have done...
My body hurts, I have Erythema nodosum on my legs. My wrists, ankles and knees hurt. My soul hurts. I am already eating anti-depressants (sertralin= sort of Zoloft) at the lowest amount since I am trying to change stuff in my life for the better and want the medicine as a safe-guard in case it gets to much. Now I am very grateful I am already eating it. It hurts. I want to go back to work tomorrow (I have stayed home today and most of yeasterday, I found out yesterday morning from the police). I really want to go, but at the same time I am not sure it is wise. Perhaps it would be better for me to call in sick for the rest of the week, to rest. But at the same time I worry. What if I get worse by staying home thinking? I don´t really know what to do.
I really, really don´t know...
*hurts*
Last sunday the police identified the remains of a man that they found in the forest outside the town where I used to live, and the town I still work in. It is him. My ex. He had gone out in the forest and killed himself. And no-one had found him until now.
I feel strange. I am sad but at the same time happy that I finally KNOW. He can never come to my work. He can never show up outside my apartement. He can never hurt me. But at the same time it hurts so much. Am I the guilty one for him to have killed himself? Could I have prevented him from going sick again? Could I have done something? My head tells me, no, I could not. He was sick and I was working. There was no way I could have stopped him. But my heart hurts. Maybe I could have... Maybe I should have done...
My body hurts, I have Erythema nodosum on my legs. My wrists, ankles and knees hurt. My soul hurts. I am already eating anti-depressants (sertralin= sort of Zoloft) at the lowest amount since I am trying to change stuff in my life for the better and want the medicine as a safe-guard in case it gets to much. Now I am very grateful I am already eating it. It hurts. I want to go back to work tomorrow (I have stayed home today and most of yeasterday, I found out yesterday morning from the police). I really want to go, but at the same time I am not sure it is wise. Perhaps it would be better for me to call in sick for the rest of the week, to rest. But at the same time I worry. What if I get worse by staying home thinking? I don´t really know what to do.
I really, really don´t know...
*hurts*