Meh...
So, so long time since I wrote anything here at all.
My life? It has been an up and down-road for quite some time now. My fiancee disapeared for over a year ago and has not been seen since then. He probably killed himself. The police thinks so. His mother thinks so. His former family and children thinks so. I? I have no idea. He just disapeared. Over night. Right after St. Valentines Day... yay...:(
Some months after he disapeared and I was starting to make myself a new life in a new apartment in another town, I met a man. Call him A. I met him in an swingers-club. I had been there before with my fiancee but it was not really for myself then, mostly because he wanted me to go there. I wasn´t myself back then, depression and all. So I went with him. Now, when he was gone, I decided to go there myself. There I met A. 21 years older than myself. We had a nice time, we parted, I went home to my place alone in the early hours of morning. The day after I got an sms from him, saying he was enjoying the sun on a nudist-camp right outside my town. I wanted to go there to (never been to such a place, but hell, I am not against trying new thigs). He came and picked me up. It was nice and fun there.
After that we started to hang out. See eachother for dinner, pleasant nights and trips to the club, and another in another town. It is a wonderful place if you are not shy. Sauna, showers, massage-bench (a real one with hole for the face so you don´t strain your neck), big bubble-pool, huge dinner-room, lots of play-rooms. Very nice people. Very open, friendly and people who has respect for each-other.
A and I started out as sex-buddies. We knew from the start we would keep it that way. But, we became much more than that. He showed me in the aprox 7 months I knew him, what it really means to be loved and respected. He taught me to see my own self-worth. To respect myself and my wishes and dreams. I had psycoterapheutic help at the same time but I know my relationship with A is what really helped me along the way of finding myself again.
We had some months together. I will always cherish these memories. We parted our ways some month ago now. I want to have children, he already has 3. It will never work out. It was painful to leave him. We love eachother, we really do. But I will not back down on the subject of children. I knew that if I did, I would begin to hate him. So we split. We had one last, wonderful week-end together. We went bowling, to dinner, and to the clubs. We spent every wake and sleeping hour together. We talked, we cried and we had a nice time with eachother. Then, the last day, a sunday, he was at my place with me all day, helped me put up some paintings in my rooms in the new apartement. Then we sat and talked.
We talked. We were silent. We cried. I asked him if he could stay with me until I fell asleep. He agreed. I went to bed, he lay down next to me and held me in his arms while I cired. I fell asleep in his arms, feeling his love for the last time. He held me for a few hours, then he got up, I stirred a little in my sleep and he said "good bye" and I said "I love you", he went, took the spare-key, locked my door and dropped the key through the mail-slot. Then he was gone. That was the last I heard from him.
I miss him very much, but at the same time I am happy. He gave me a gift I cannot value enough. The gift of loving myself. Showing myself that I am ok the way I am. That I don´t have to prove anything to anyone, and at the same time that the kind of man I want as a husband is somewhere out there. If A exist, then others like him also exist.
Now I work at a pree-school with hellish children. And I am not exaggerating when I say hellish. They are. And I am again somewhat struggeling with myself.
Am I ok the way I am? Is it ok to have two separate "personalities", one soft, one hard, co-excisting at the same time? Is it ok to feel vulnerable and immortal at the same time? Is it ok to take refugee in the fandom of Transformers, to use them as my personal theraphy-arena? To use them as a tool to work out my inner demons? Is it "ok" to sometimes feel like you seriously want to hurt someone, or yourself, to feel your body screaming in pure agony? To want to apply that pain to others? Never to really do it in reality, but to have the want? I have done my share of self-harm and I do not intend to go back there again, ever. But I want to raise above all others, and at the same time stay hidden, unknown in my little fantasy-world.
Musings, thoughts, dreams, hopes, all scrambled. None truly clear, all disturbingly shadowy and out of reach...
Perhaps I should go back to my psychologist. Or get a new one, the one I had was to moral-whipping. I said to her that I wish for a friend, another woman who could understand and accept me for who I am, without judging. And at the same time a friend who I can sleep next to, share a shower with, give and be given a massage from. And no, I am not a lesbian, I just love the physical contact between people, simply because it feels good. Without putting anything sexual in it. She did not see it that way, she was afraid I was "sexualising" everything. Keh! I want to be held! I want to be able to give and receive hugs, a warm hand on my arm, soft fingers through my hair. How is that sexualising? Stupid psycologist...
Now, talktalktalk..... Time to sleep... or try to... Hugs everyone or anyone perhaps reading this....
My life? It has been an up and down-road for quite some time now. My fiancee disapeared for over a year ago and has not been seen since then. He probably killed himself. The police thinks so. His mother thinks so. His former family and children thinks so. I? I have no idea. He just disapeared. Over night. Right after St. Valentines Day... yay...:(
Some months after he disapeared and I was starting to make myself a new life in a new apartment in another town, I met a man. Call him A. I met him in an swingers-club. I had been there before with my fiancee but it was not really for myself then, mostly because he wanted me to go there. I wasn´t myself back then, depression and all. So I went with him. Now, when he was gone, I decided to go there myself. There I met A. 21 years older than myself. We had a nice time, we parted, I went home to my place alone in the early hours of morning. The day after I got an sms from him, saying he was enjoying the sun on a nudist-camp right outside my town. I wanted to go there to (never been to such a place, but hell, I am not against trying new thigs). He came and picked me up. It was nice and fun there.
After that we started to hang out. See eachother for dinner, pleasant nights and trips to the club, and another in another town. It is a wonderful place if you are not shy. Sauna, showers, massage-bench (a real one with hole for the face so you don´t strain your neck), big bubble-pool, huge dinner-room, lots of play-rooms. Very nice people. Very open, friendly and people who has respect for each-other.
A and I started out as sex-buddies. We knew from the start we would keep it that way. But, we became much more than that. He showed me in the aprox 7 months I knew him, what it really means to be loved and respected. He taught me to see my own self-worth. To respect myself and my wishes and dreams. I had psycoterapheutic help at the same time but I know my relationship with A is what really helped me along the way of finding myself again.
We had some months together. I will always cherish these memories. We parted our ways some month ago now. I want to have children, he already has 3. It will never work out. It was painful to leave him. We love eachother, we really do. But I will not back down on the subject of children. I knew that if I did, I would begin to hate him. So we split. We had one last, wonderful week-end together. We went bowling, to dinner, and to the clubs. We spent every wake and sleeping hour together. We talked, we cried and we had a nice time with eachother. Then, the last day, a sunday, he was at my place with me all day, helped me put up some paintings in my rooms in the new apartement. Then we sat and talked.
We talked. We were silent. We cried. I asked him if he could stay with me until I fell asleep. He agreed. I went to bed, he lay down next to me and held me in his arms while I cired. I fell asleep in his arms, feeling his love for the last time. He held me for a few hours, then he got up, I stirred a little in my sleep and he said "good bye" and I said "I love you", he went, took the spare-key, locked my door and dropped the key through the mail-slot. Then he was gone. That was the last I heard from him.
I miss him very much, but at the same time I am happy. He gave me a gift I cannot value enough. The gift of loving myself. Showing myself that I am ok the way I am. That I don´t have to prove anything to anyone, and at the same time that the kind of man I want as a husband is somewhere out there. If A exist, then others like him also exist.
Now I work at a pree-school with hellish children. And I am not exaggerating when I say hellish. They are. And I am again somewhat struggeling with myself.
Am I ok the way I am? Is it ok to have two separate "personalities", one soft, one hard, co-excisting at the same time? Is it ok to feel vulnerable and immortal at the same time? Is it ok to take refugee in the fandom of Transformers, to use them as my personal theraphy-arena? To use them as a tool to work out my inner demons? Is it "ok" to sometimes feel like you seriously want to hurt someone, or yourself, to feel your body screaming in pure agony? To want to apply that pain to others? Never to really do it in reality, but to have the want? I have done my share of self-harm and I do not intend to go back there again, ever. But I want to raise above all others, and at the same time stay hidden, unknown in my little fantasy-world.
Musings, thoughts, dreams, hopes, all scrambled. None truly clear, all disturbingly shadowy and out of reach...
Perhaps I should go back to my psychologist. Or get a new one, the one I had was to moral-whipping. I said to her that I wish for a friend, another woman who could understand and accept me for who I am, without judging. And at the same time a friend who I can sleep next to, share a shower with, give and be given a massage from. And no, I am not a lesbian, I just love the physical contact between people, simply because it feels good. Without putting anything sexual in it. She did not see it that way, she was afraid I was "sexualising" everything. Keh! I want to be held! I want to be able to give and receive hugs, a warm hand on my arm, soft fingers through my hair. How is that sexualising? Stupid psycologist...
Now, talktalktalk..... Time to sleep... or try to... Hugs everyone or anyone perhaps reading this....