(no subject)
I literally cried myself to sleep last night because I can't stop worrying about finding a new apartment even though I've been instructed to take a one-month hiatus from searching for this exact reason. I have genuinely been compiling a list of people in my head I would willingly sacrifice to Satan in exchange for making this process easier if I thought for one second it might help. I have actively been wanting to hurt myself because of how miserable this whole thing is and I have come to the terrifying realisation that I am not exaggerating at all when I think to myself that I would literally rather die than have to keep dealing with it. This is hell. I have no idea why apartment hunting is so strong a trigger for me, and even my therapist is kind of blown away. But it is, and I hate everything, and I hate myself because the only way this makes any sense to me at all is that how hard this is must be the result of terrible karma for every bad thing I have ever done in my life and I must be an even worse person than I thought. Fuck this. Fuck this. FUCK THIS. And I'm trapped and I'm an ungrateful bitch for seeing it that way and I generally can't fucking talk about it aloud anymore because apparently my concern is useless and my fucking feelings are offensive and I just want this to end more than anything and if I were braver I never would even be in this current situation to begin with but I'm not so what the fuck can I do. Basically, though, if you are one of the way too many people who said you'd be down for being roommates and then just fucked off and got a place without me and without even fucking telling me, fuck you. Fuck you so hard. No wonder I have trust and abandonment issues, humans are fucking scum. We all are. Fuck.